I know this topic might not be so much in tandem with the current upbeat mood in the forum.But it was nagging me for the last two days,so couldn't help posting this.
The way Naina was treated and manhandled by Sharad was bad enough,but what was even worse was her family's reaction to it.Sharad was crying out from rooftops that he is an abuser of the worst category yet Rakesh,Tauji and Taiji seemed completely okay with it. .Even Chachaji would have gone ahead with this rishta,if Sameer hadn't shaken up his conscience.The rishta with Sharad showed signs of something very fishy from day one.I had pointed this out in an earlier post of mine too titled "Sharad:Too good to be true"
https://www.india-forums.com/forum_posts.asp?TID=5014403
Soon Sharad moved from weird to downright abusive.It is to the credit of the makers that they have got most of the red flags right and shown Sharad as a character who is very similar to real life.
I am making this post to point out the Red Flags in a potentially abusive relationship both from the pov of YUDKBH and in real life.
RF 1)Too good to be true:
Sharad was initially shown to be the perfect groom.Well behaved,no dahej,well qualified,huge potential earning etc etc.He seemed perfect..too perfect perhaps?
In real life too,if a rishta or a boy seems too good or perfect to be true,he probably isn't true.Tread with caution here.
RF 2)The speed with which Sharad and his family rushed through with the rishta is a big red flag.
In real life too,beware of the boy who engulfs you like a whirlwind with his love and proclaims undying love at first sight.If he/his family press/insist for a marriage at very short notice, be very very careful.
RF 3)Making unreasonable demands on time:
Sharad's family started making unreasonable demands on Naina's time.They started turning up announced at her house and insisted that she come to the hotel to meet relatives(at very short notice).In fact,the day after the alliance was fixed they insisted that she come to the temple for Teej or some other Puja.Being a serial,this was shown in a very obvious in your face way.
In real life too,if a boy or his family start overwhelming you with their sudden and excessive demands on your personal time,beware.When in love,it is easy to imagine that the person we love is possessive or always wants to be with us.However,when a partner starts eating into your personal time and space too much,it is a big potential red flag.
RF 4) Signs of extreme anger and potential violence:
Sharad showed signs of his ill mannered behavior in the way he spoke to Naina(the day she was hurt in her leg).He further showed his true colours to Chachaji.When a man can be rude and offensive to your elders before marriage, he will most likely get physically abusive after marriage.
This was shown in a very obvious manner in the serial.Again these signs are very very subtle in real life.The boy/man will most likely not get offensive with your immediate family/elders.So closely watch how he behaves with people who are less powerful than him.Eg)his behavior with the auto driver,waiter at the restaurant,the security guard etc.Does he lose his temper with them easily?Does he quickly blame them or make unreasonable demands of them?Eg) You ordered a drink and 15 minutes back and the drink has still not arrived.Your partner starts shouting and getting aggressive with the waiter though the waiter apologizes and tells him that the drink will come soon.Your partner may justify this behavior saying that he is angry that the waiter kept you waiting.His behaviour may appear cute and even caring.But it is HUGE RED FLAG.
If a man behaves aggressively/unreasonably towards people who are less powerful than him ,it is likely that he will do the same towards you tomorrow.Power equations are set early on in a marriage and such a man will exert his power on you very early and very subtly.
RF 5)Actual physical violence:
Sharad hitting Naina is again a case of in your face abuse in serials.But it is huge huge red flag.
In real life,abusers act a bit differently.They shower you with praises and are the epitome of sweetness before marriage.Their abuse starts after the victim is permanently trapped(read marriage).But watch out for two red flags before marriage.Firstly, A man who can get physically abusive with anyone else less powerful than him(again a guard,driver etc) will almost certainly get physically abusive with you.Secondly, God forbid,if he physically abuses you EVEN ONCE,walk out then and there.He will cry and plead and try to convince you that he is extremely sorry for what he did and can't live without you.Do not pay any attention. WALK OUT.Do not be under the illusion that he hit you in a fit of anger.These fits of anger will become a part of your life before you even realize it.
RF 6) Desperate not to break the alliance inspite of repeated trouble/insults
A family/boy who is desperate to marry you inspite of repeated trouble or insults spells trouble.Such people are most likely pretending to be nice people and will get back with a vengeance after marriage.Eg)Sharad's family was desperate to continue with the alliance even after Chachaji broke it off.Even after getting beaten black and blue by Sameer,they wanted to go ahead with the alliance.These are TYPICAL behaviours of a potential abuser.
Having found and trapped his victim,the abuser will not ler her go.If his mask slips and she finds out his real nature and calls if off,he will become desperate.He will put on an even sweeter mask and will not hesitate to attempt suicide or even fall at her feet to convince her of his love.BEWARE of such people.They will get back with a vengeance for their insults after marriage.
A boy who really loves you may also stand by you through repeated trouble and insults(Eg,Sameer).Do not confuse this person with an abuser.A Sameer like person will stand by you on your terms and conditions.He will support you the way you want him to.A Sharad like character will emotionally manipulate you,play with your emotions and force your sympathy on him.The two are like chalk and cheese.
RF 7)Do you have a victim syndrome/are you an empath?
Some women have brought up in circumstances where they have always had to compromise or put their wishes on the back burner.Eg)Naina has no mother,is rejected by her father and feels permanently indebted to her Chachaji.Abusers love women with such backgrounds. They make easy and quiet victims and the abuser can hold onto her for a lifetime. In short,abusers love quiet,compromising and empathetic people.If you are such a person,watch out.You might just unintentionally attract an abuser.
RF 8)Has the prospective boy/his family perceived/seen that you have little family support/sensed a discord in your family?
If the boy/his family has seen that your family doesn't stand up enough for you,it is a cherry on the cake for him.He now knows for sure that he can ill treat and abuse his wife and no one will even stand up to him. Eg)In Naina's case,Sharad saw that Taiji,Tauji and Rakesh spoke against Naina and openly favoured him even after he insulted Chachaji.This emboldened him and made him feel that no one would bother to even find out if Naina was dead or alive after her marriage.
I wouldn't be surprised if a Sharad like character had beaten a Naina like person to death a few years after marriage in a fit of anger .I am sure her family wouldn't have cared.
PS:Hats off to Sameer for bashing up Sharad.He was the ONLY ONE who really stood up to the bully.
In a nutshell,I will sum it up this way.Be careful of
1)People who seem too perfect/too good to be true
2) People who push you into major decisions like marriage professing magical undying love for you (pichle janam types)
3) People who make unreasonable and overwhelming demands on your personal time
4)People who are ultra possessive and constantly keep tabs on where you go, when you go and whom you meet. Possessiveness seems cute, but can cut your oxygen supply very soon and is one of the early signs of control and possible abuse.
5)People who stop/prevent you from meeting your friends/family or insist that you spend all your free time with them.It appears like love initially,but it is the first step towards control and abuse.
6)People who treat less powerful people in a shabby ,aggressive or violent manner.
7)People who ever get physically violent with you,EVEN ONCE.Physical violence includes hitting,pushing,grabbing,restraining and throwing objects around(irrespective of whether the object hits you or not).
8)People who are desperate to go ahead with the alliance AT ANY COST,after repeated trouble/insults.
9)People who reveal very little about themselves but ask you a lot of questions about you.We mistake such people to be good listeners or very caring,but in intimate relationships,BEWARE.They may simply be collecting information about you to use against you.
In the serial,Sharad did not fit into the last category.He only spoke about himself and his boss. This was the only aspect of him that was unrealistic. But typical abusers are different.They reveal very little of themselves early on.
And the biggest Red Flag.
10)If a relationship makes you feel suffocated,uncomfortable or is simply weighing you down by its demands ,it is wrong for you.There is no clear definition to "suffocated and uncomfortable". Simply,trust your instincts here. IF IT FEELS WRONG,IT IS WRONG.
It is a harsh reality in India and around the world that a number of women are abused in intimate relationships.While we may like to believe that cases of spousal abuse have reduced in the 21st century,nothing can be farther from the truth.Abuse continues and is even rampant behind closed walls with muted shrieks and hushed whimpers.It simply hides its ugly face from society.In fact,statistics show that women are at greatest danger of abuse from the people with whom they have the most intimate relationships,ie,spouses/partners.Even in this day and age,very rarely,if ever,do women truly come out in the open with the problems they face.Cases of men being abused in spousal relationships are also increasing nowadays,so please treat this as a post for both men and women.
PS:Sorry about such a serious and heavy post.But the goings on in the serial compelled me to write this.We often get so carried away by the beauty of love that we fail to see the practical aspects till it is too late.In real life,heroes are not as obvious as Sameer and villians are so in your face like Sharad.They appear the same and it is upto us to differentiate our Sameers from our Sharads.If this post even helps one person in this forum,I would be very very happy😊
