AvNeil OS: Cold

Avni sighed. She couldn't do this now. She refused to go along with his childish whims and confusing behavior. She was done with this. Analyzing everything Neil did, deciphering what Neil meant with a certain phrase, wondering what Neil would do to tackle a certain situation.

Neil Neil Neil!

She clenched her fist. Why couldn't she let him go? It was easy enough for him. Too easy. It was too easy for him to let her go. No, scratch that. It was too easy for him to throw her out of his life. As if she was a fly that irritated him. All he had to do was swat her away lightly and she was out of his world.

And the worst part was he didn't even try. He didn't even try to see her side. She would have done anything. She would have gone through any test, she would have taken any risk. She would have done anything to prove herself to him. All she wanted was him to know, just him. The rest of the world didn't matter, but he had to know. He had to know that she was innocent. She would have walked through fire if it meant he would believe her and he didn't even batted an eyelash for her.

She shook her head. She was done with these thoughts. They made her weak and she couldn't afford to be weak right now. She was a fighter and she would fight. She would fight until she earns her long overdue justice.

Justice.

She felt her lips curl at this. It was a foul word to Avni. It was something that she knew existed. It was something she knew so many received but for some reason it was never within her reach. She had to fight and fight and fight and never get anything. Not really. She never did get anything. She just thought she did and God she was wrong.

Sometimes she wondered how much more she could endure till she broke completely. How many more blows could she take until her already battered self disintegrated into tiny fragments?

What would Neil do then? He would have no one to chase, imprison and reform. What would Vidyut do? He would have no one to destroy.

Neil would have to find a new criminal to focus on. This time it may even be a real one. It won't be that hard. Vidyut, on the other hand, would have to struggle for a bit. It's not every day he finds someone brave enough to stand up to him.

Avni suddenly felt like laughing. It was so absurd. What was she even thinking? Maybe she was already starting to lose it, she mused.

She shook her head again. She couldn't afford to get distracted. She had to find some way to keep Neil from finding out about the tunnel. It was her escape. It was her only ticket out of this jail, and she really needed to get out. But of course thanks to Neil, she didn't even have the time to ponder on that.

What kind of a jail was this anyway?' Avni scoffed. Dum charades and Christmas celebration? It felt more like kindergarten. To top it all that Neil's ridiculous flirting with Monica. Seriously what kind of law allows police officers and convicted prisoners to exchange shayari?

No Avni, you're not supposed think or care about this. You have things to do, plans to accomplish.' She chided herself. 'You cannot afford to get distracted, much less by things that don't matter anymore.'

Great now she was talking to herself. Maybe she really was losing it.

It doesn't matter anyway, she decided. You don't have to be sane to accomplish your goals. Not really.

She had to do something about Neil though. She couldn't handle him anymore. She couldn't handle being in front of his eyes every time, everywhere. She couldn't handle his touches, his caresses. She couldn't even handle merely seeing him.

Who was he trying to fool anyway? She knew exactly what he was doing. He was keeping her busy. He wanted her distracted and caught up in other things. He was not doing a very good job however.

It would have been enough though. Another time, another life it would have been enough. What he did would have kept the old temperamental, hot headed Avni Ayesha distracted. For Avni Neil Khanna, all he had to do was exist and she would be distracted. The new Avni Ayesha however, would not fall for this. She was cold and calculating and she saw right through his act.

That was why Avni was now sneaking through the corridor to Neil's office. She needed leverage, evidence, clues, something. She needed something that would help to know what Neil's plan was. Eavesdropping was the oldest trick in the dictionary, Avni knew, but it was effective nonetheless. There was no easier way to know things that someone would never willingly confess otherwise.

She inched closer to his office, keeping an eye out for other people. Once she felt safe, she reached for the door and peeked through the gap between its hinges. There was no one else there and Neil was on the phone.

Perfect.

Neil looked distraught. That was the first thing she noted. Her primary reflex was to run over to him offering comfort. She almost made a move before she caught herself. Why was she so stupid? She clenched her fists and inhaled slowly. 'Get a grip Avni' she huffed, 'it's not your job anymore.' She was not even bothered by her talking to herself this time.

She kept her fists clenched and tried to focus on what Neil was saying.

Neil made a choking sound. "No Neela Ma, you don't understand. She looks at me and all I see is hatred. I can't. I just can't. I can't handle it."

Avni's narrowed her eyes. Why would he care if she hated him? He should have known that his actions would have consequences.

Neil now was close to tears. "I know, I know that I had to do this. Vidyut was relentless, I had to do this or he would have taken her away. I know that I did the right thing." He turned around then, his back to her. "But doing the right thing is so hard. It's too hard Neela Ma."

He turned around again and ran a hand through his hair in frustration.

"You didn't see her Neela Ma. When I arrested her, the look on her face. I would die a thousand times over if it meant that she would never look at me that way again. It was as if she was not even alive. She just stood there and let them take her away. I broke more than her heart that day Neela Ma. I broke her soul, shattered her dreams and burned her hopes. I destroyed her Neela Ma. I knew she was innocent. I knew my Avni was pure. I love her more than anything else in the world combined and I tore her to shreds."

He paused. "And now, this girl that's in front of me, she is just a shadow. A ghost, a very cold ghost. She looks at me but doesn't see me. She listens to me but doesn't hear it. She touches people and doesn't know it. She is a mess. And I made that. I was supposed to protect her, to cherish her and to care for her. But in protecting her from Vidyut, I lost my mind. I couldn't protect her from myself."

Neil was openly crying now, tears streaming down his face. Avni couldn't breathe.

"Neela Ma," he whispered in a broken voice.

There was silence for a few minutes. Avni watched as Neil listened to whatever Neela Ma was telling him and saw face turn from distraught to determined.

"I know, yes I know. I know it was our plan. Yes, I know. Yes Neela Ma, I am strong. I will be strong."

Neil took a deep breath as if to steady himself. He wiped his left hand over his face removing all the fleeting trails his tears had left.

"I'm still working on that. By the way, Neela Ma, can you come visit Avni tomorrow? I think that would make her happy".

He sat on his desk. "No, don't worry about that. I'll let the guard know. Why don't you come at one? That way you can bring Avni some poha for lunch."

He paused and chuckled slightly. "I'm her husband, so it's my job. He stood up. "Yeah, I will. Bye Neela Ma."

Neil hung up his phone and then stared at the screen.

"Avni," he whispered, "just hang in there; I will get you by my side soon. Very soon."

He brought his phone to his mouth and kissed it. Then he brought it down and held it to his chest, right across his heart.

Avni ran.

...

Avni ran all the way to her cell, her mind lost in a hurricane of memories. Those memories, she had locked in a box and buried deep in the abyss of her mind for the past six months. She could not stop them now and they kept playing in her mind in loops, each memory screaming to be noticed.

Neil saving Avni for the first time, Avni, Neil and mishit laughing, Avni hugging Neil for the first time, Neil comforting Avni at Ayesha's tomb, Avni and Neil drunkenly conversing in the bathroom, Neil whispering that he would never let Avni's mangalsutra break, Avni marrying Neil, Neil leaving his home for Avni, Neil yelling at Avni, Neil kissing Avni, Neil slipping a ring into Avni's hand, Neil wiping Avni's sindoor, Neil dancing with Avni in front of the family, Neil unconscious at the hospital, Neil applying sindoor, Neil smiling, Neil sleeping, Neil staring, Neil being silly.

All those memories looped in her mind as she sank to the floor of her cell. All those memories of them blend together and in the chaos all she could see was him. Everywhere she looked, she saw him.

She laughed as tears streamed down her eyes for the first time in six months. She had learned a hurricane of things in the last fifteen minutes. She was overwhelmed with emotions and it all felt too much for her to handle. But still, two facts stood apart, now glaringly true.

Neil believed her. Neil loved her.

Avni let out a choking noise. Right now, she was too distressed to focus on what Neil meant about Vidyut. That could wait. It didn't matter now.

All that mattered was Neil loved Avni. Neil believed Avni. Nothing else was bigger than that.

Avni wanted to cry. Avni wanted to laugh. Avni wanted to slap Neil's face till it was red. Who was he to decide for her? She was strong. He didn't have to whisk her away to protect her. They could have protected each other.

No. It didn't matter now too. She could ponder over the unfairness of Neil's decision later. She would leave it for now.

Only one thing mattered now. Neil and Avni.

For the first time in six months, Avni wanted to curl up on the floor and cry. She wanted to sob. She wanted to scream. She wanted to curse. And she wanted to laugh hysterically.

"Neil," she whispered. "Oh, Neil."

It was cold in her cell. It was always cold in her cell. No matter how tightly she hugged her blanket to herself, she always felt cold.

Avni put her arms around herself and hugged her tight, it wasn't cold anymore. It was warm. She took a deep breath and then closed her eyes.

Tomorrow, she would deal with it. Tomorrow, she would deal with whatever Vidyut's issue was. Tomorrow, she would deal with Neil's blinded sense of protectiveness. Tomorrow, she would deal with her mother's apparent deceit.

But today, she wanted peace. Today, she wanted was to sleep with the knowledge that Neil loved her, that Neil trusted her.

Tomorrow, she would wake up but today, she would sleep as Neil's Avni again.

...

ps. I think the Khaled Hosseini quote I used truly defines Avni. 😳