Memories - TWINJ FF new part Page 52! - Page 33

As i stared into his eyes.. some tears found their way..

This meant he could have returned long back... that's what he said didn't he..that he broke up with her long back ?...then why now ..why after 5 years ...he decided to come back ?

His hand reached towards my face..  and I slid my chair back.. and wiped my tears...myself

I realised I was about to make a scene in public...there were few people around...but still

I got up but realised this was not the solution...I can't keep running away.. I can't let this wound be fresh always.. i needed to heal.. i needed to recover... even if it meant putting this friendship to rest ...I had to do it.. I couldn't stay in this limbo anymore ..  he was here.. he had pursued me ...he wanted to fix what was broken...even though it took him so long... at this moment I didn't know what hurt more.. Whether he not believing in me all those years back or he trying to mend everything ... because mending meant he did realise his mistakes... even if he realised them so late...

I turned and sat down again...

He remained motionless after I had avoided him from wiping my tears..

We stared at each other...unable to frame words...unable to say anything...

...

I knew what this would mean to her...this would mean I didn't believe her even after sarika left.. and that was the guilt that had been killing me... how i believed sarika even when we broke up.. how i never visited our memories before...and was forced to visit them only after sarika's message.. but how do I tell her..

She looked so broken... so fragile.. and I was the reason behind all this..

She had complete right to feel betrayed...

why had I not pondered about this? Why had I not opened old memories...why had I not come back earlier... the wounds wouldn't be soo deep..

she got up and I froze...feeling this was the end of everything... everything just stopped for me...

sorrys weren't enough..neither were any other words...

She stood frozen...and then turned back and sat...and looked straight into my eyes..

No lie no truth could give her comfort...and as her eyes looked deep in mine...

I had never felt at so much...in fact never felt so many emotions...at once...

And as we sat in silence.. I tried to frame words in my mind.. but her eyes.. just made me more and more guilty...

She didn't deserve this..she didn't deserve to go through all this.. go through so much torture just because I had decided to mend our friendship..just because I felt I deserved a second chance.. she was living on as broken as she could be..but she had been living and I managed to open all her wounds...

At least I owed her this much.. for every pain she bared because of me ...for every tear she shed for me...

My mouth went dry ... and I got up.. I knew... what I had to do..

"I don't deserve your friendship...I just don't.. u r right to think that why did I come after so long.. no reason I give would make up for the fact that I let you down...I let this friendship down...I let ...--"

And she cut me and said "us down..."

She looked up her eyes welled up..

...

I looked at him and said "sit"

I was gonna say something I had only confessed to my diary.. yes I was gonna open the wound and let my broken soul on display .. there was no other way

He looked around..and he sat...and before he could say anything , I spoke...with slight tears falling

"Ever felt so broken that you thought you can't be fixed ...ever felt like this was your end but you kept breathing..ever felt so hurt that no one... and no thing could give you peace...ever felt so broken that no matter how many times you tried...you couldn't put yourself back together? "

With every sentence .. his guilt grew deeper...and for me...that was something ... you might wonder why...well..years back..when I called him...messaged him..begged him..cried in front of him..my pain didn't affect him..he walked on without feeling the depth of my emotions...

But today it was different.. i could see my pain reflecting on his face and I continued...and yes with intention to show case my pain further...

" ever felt like you gave your everything to someone and yet somehow you were not enough ?..ever felt so stuck that no matter how many days... passed by...you felt same every morning...ever felt like you were crawling through life...?"

He felt every word.. i knew he did... his body continued to twitch..and his face ..his eyes...showed emotions I never knew existed ...

existed...for me...

...

As much as I wanted to run out of there.. I realised she wanted something else..when she started to speak...I felt each of her words wash over me..and I felt pain ...so deep...that I was surprised I could feel to that depth...

What surprised me was not her wanting to express her pain...but her will to still stay...even after everything...

And her next words confirmed what I was thinking...

"running away...blocking you from my memories..pretending our friendship didn't exist...pretending you didn't matter...nothing has worked...and nothing will...because 5 years are enough for me to realise...that some people and some relations go beyond that.."

And in utter shock i stared at her...

...

We left the place in silence and he dropped me back...

With no byes exchanged and no promises to meet again...I reached my room..

I picked up my diary...and wrote

" to remain frustrated...to remain angry..it will never fix me..will never solve the problem..will never heal me...yes he didn't come back ...but maybe if he had come back then..he would have not felt the way he felt today..i would not have seen my pain reflect on him.. there is no point in denying that this relation does exist...and also no point in denying that he wants to be part of this friendship as much as I want it to be..sometimes u just need to let go... nothing else has worked..maybe i can finally move on by being friends with him..not every moving on requires you to be filled anger ..hate ...and tears...lots of tears..."