"You did love me," I whispered. "Just not the same way I loved you."
Jess Rothenberg, The Catastrophic History of You and Me
"I'll never tell you to stop loving. You see, I believe in hopeless love. Oh yes. I believe in it with all my heart, though you may discount the heart of an old nanny like me. For real love brings pain. Real love means sacrifices and hurts and all the thousand shocks of life. But it also means beauty, true beauty."
Anne Elisabeth Stengl, Moonblood
After another late night at the office he was driving back home. It was raining heavily which made the atrocious Kolkata traffic even worse. He was driving slowly partly due to the inclement weather and also because he had no reason to rush home. His empty room would be waiting for him to spend another sleepless night and he was not looking forward to that. He was engrossed in these thoughts when he noticed a girl struggling with a gang of men on the sidewalk. He didn't know why but he had this familiar ache like his heart was longing to see someone. Out of curiosity and in order to help the girl he stopped his car. As he made his way towards the group with a jolt he realized it was Swara. His foolish heart had recognised her before his eyes could. Unexplainable rage took over him and he furiously flung the guy who was trying to hold her hand. He made such a frightening and alarming sight drenched in rain water that the other men stepped away in fear.
"Leave right now or otherwise you don't even know what I am capable off" He bellowed in anger.
The frightened men ran for their life.
"Sit in the car Swara" He said
"No" She replied
Gosh this woman was so stubborn.
"That was not a request Mrs Maheswari that's an order. Sit in the car" He said again
"I don't need your help. I was doing fine without it" She said
"Yeah fine my foot. Please Swara we are both soaked it's 10 pm and I don't have the strength to fight you so just sit in the car I will drop you" He requested
"Okay I will. Don't take this the wrong way though. I was trying to look for a taxi" She explained while sitting in the car
He got in and grabbed a towel from the backseat.
"Here you go. Clean yourself otherwise you will catch a cold. What were you doing here at this time of the night? I hope not finding another excuse to meet me" He teased her
"Oh please I was here to fix a meeting with our new caterers. Don't delude yourself into thinking otherthings Mr Maheswari" She said
"Can't help it Mrs Maheswari you make me delusional" Sansakr said
"Why did you help me Sansakr? She asked
For the first time she had used his name. It sounded so different in her voice.
"I would have done the same for any other girl Swara" He looked at her trying to appear indifferent but his eyes betrayed him. She could tell that he was lying. He knew she had caught him but he was powerless when it came to her. He ceased to think rationally when she was involved.
"Tum itnay achay kyun ho Sanskar?" She asked herself but didn't say it to him
Their eyes were locked with each other as if they were berating each other for the distance between them. He could see that her wet hair were falling on her face disturbing her. Without realizing he gently tucked them behind her ear. An electric current passed through them as his hand touched her ear. Their heart beats sped up. Just than she noticed a bruise on his hand. Probably the aftermath of his fight with that goon. She grabbed her hand.
"Sanskar yeh choot. Ointment hain car main koi" She asked him with concern
He jerked his hand away.
"Zindagi or log mujhay itna dard day chukay hain Swara kay yay mammoli choot abb mujhay mahsoos he nahi hoti" He said
She knew he was indirectly referring to the pain she had caused him. The wounds that were inflicted on his soul. The one's he tried hard to bury under copious amounts of alcohol. How could she give this man so much pain? Silence overtook the car as he started driving towards Badi. The silence between them was suffocating as memories of their love resurfaced in both their minds. He switched on the radio to divert his mind away from her thoughts.
The first song started playing:
O ho...
Bheegi bheegi sadkon pe main
Tera intezaar karun
Dheere dheere dil ki zameen ko
Tere hi naam karun
Khudko main yoon kho doon
Ke phir na kabhi paaun
Haule haule zindagi ko
Ab tere hawaale karun
Sanam re, sanam re
Tu mera sanam hua re
Sanam re, sanam re
Tu mera sanam hua re
Karam re, karam re
Tera mujhpe karam hua re
Sanam re, sanam re
Tu mera sanam hua re
O ho...Sanam re, sanam re
Tu mera sanam hua re
O ho...
Tere kareeb jo hone laga hoon
To toote saare bharam re
Sanam re, sanam re
Tu mera sanam hua re
Sanam re, sanam re
Tu mera sanam hua re
O ho...
Baadalon ki tarah hi toh
Tune mujhpe saaya kiya hai
Baarishon ki tarah hi toh
Tune khushiyon se bhigaya hai
Aandhiyon ki tarah hi toh
Tune hosh ko udaaya hai
Mera muqaddar sanwara hai yoon
Naya savera jo laaya hai tu
Tere sang hi bitaane hain mujhko
Mere saare janam re
He changed the station and another song started playing:
Tu safar mera
Hai tu hi meri manzil
Tere bina guzara
Ae dil hai mushkil
Tu mera Khuda
Tu hi duaa mein shaamil
Tere bina guzara
Ae dil hai mushkil
Mujhe aazmaati hai teri kami
Meri har kami ko hai tu laazmi
Junoon hai mera
Banoon main tere qaabil
Tere bina guzaara
Ae Dil Hai Mushkil
"Oh God what's wrong with songs these days. Ever station is playing stupid songs" He exclaimed
She couldn't help but smile at her husband's frustration. He looked so cute.
He changed the station again and another song started playing.
Kabhi gardishon ka maara
Kabhi khwahishon se haara
Roothe chaand ka hai chakor
Zara se bhi samjhote se
Yeh parhez rakhta hai kyun
Maane na kabhi koi zor
Duniya jahaan ki bandishon ki
Yeh kahaan parwaah kare
Jab kheenche teri dor
Kheenche teri dor...
Manchala.. mann chala teri ore
Manchala.. mann chala teri ore
Khamoshiyon ki sooraton mein
Dhoondhe tera shor
Dhoondhe tera shor
Manchala.. mann chala teri ore
Manchala.. mann chala teri ore
It was there song. She saw him trying to change the channel again.
"Don't change the channel Sansakr this is my..."
He stopped her in the middle and said" I know Shona it's your favorite song"
She looked at him again. His mask of indifference had slipped. She could see how much he loved her. This song was associated with bittersweet memories. Even that time she had sacrificed her love but he had sung this for her on his engagement to Kavita. He had poured all his anger and love into that song. The previous day he had asked her
"Swara tum kab apni baray main socho gi. Hamray baray min socho gi.Apni khusi ki tumhay koi parwa hain" He had said to her and today she felt like that silently he was asking her the same questions again. His psyche was pleading her to pick him to chose him as even her soul knew that her happiness only lies with him. Just than the girl started singing.
Rookhi-sookhi dil ki hai zameen
Jaane kahaan gum hui nami
Meri ummeed hai teri baarishein
Ye sahe kayi baar pyaar ke
Tujhe har baar haar ke
Seekhe phir bhi kabhi nahi saazishein
Ho.. tere liye aaj khud se hi bhaage hain
Himmat ke tukde bator
Ho bhaage zamaane se
Chhup ke dabe paanv jaise koi chor
Jaise koi chor...
Manchala.. mann chala teri ore
Manchala.. mann chala teri ore
Khamoshiyon ki sooraton mein
Dhoondhe tera shor
Dhoondhe tera shor
Manchala.. mann chala teri ore
So engrossed was she in him and the song that she didn't even realize when they reached Badi.
"Swara tumhara ghar ahagaya hain" He told her
She didn't want this car journey to end. This was the only interaction that hadn't ended in argument.
She got out of the car.
"Sansakr I just..."
"Don't Swara just do me a favour and stop colliding with cars and wandering on the sidewalk alone" He stopped her from thanking him.
Before she could reply he had already drove away. She made her way silently to her room. She was experiencing a myriad of emotions but couldn't make sense of any. However, one thing was clear he still cared for her.
In a galaxy far far away destiny couldn't help but smile. These two would be the death of her. How she hated human beings and their ego. She was working over time to find ways that these two could meet. Human beings she thought were so deluded to think that they were in control she was glad that she was pulling the strings. If she had left things to them they might never have met. She grabbed her popcorn and started thinking of other ways to brings these stubborn fools together.
"Love is painful and messed up. It gets complicated at the worst of times, and sometimes you have no idea where to go or what to do. Lots of times people just let themselves get lost, dropping into a wide open, huge abyss. But that's why we have to keep trying. We have to push through all that hurts us, work past all our memories that are haunting us. Sometimes the things that hurt us are the things that make us strongest. A life without love, in my opinion, is no life at all. And that's why I tell everyone that, even when it hurts, never stop yourself from loving someone."
Alysha Speer
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