Hola my lovelies ...
This ones for Rekha - Sanfan ... hope i have done justice to what u wanted .. hope have been able to recreate Sumo for you ...
To the 'madly intellectuals" guys would not pen this if not for your encouragement .. so thanx ... So here goes ...
The BOY I cherished The MAN I love
I ran & ran ..shouting his name .. .but he went away leaving behind a cloud of dust... When the dust settled I felt my face go wet ... it must've been the dust which went in my eyes ... ofcourse it was ... what else could it be ...it was that damn Delhi dust .. that's it ... nothing else ... With heaving breaths i looked on into nothingness ...
Life dealt me some cruel ones ... It looked like I was fated to loose all that was dear to me ... I thought ... maybe there was something in me which made people leave me ... why else would my parents leave me & go... never to look back
From the known to the unknown in a split second .. the time it takes people to wipe a tear I was thrust into a new life .. a new family ... a new surrounding ... I was one of them but still standing outside peeping in.
I was the belle of the ball everyone looked at me everyone wanted to be with me .. I was always surrounded ... but I was always alone ... then one day I saw him walking the corridors ... when everyone was looking at me .. he was looking at a piece of puzzle .. I stopped him ...forced him to do my bidding ... forced him to stop & look at me ... talk to me ... I challenged him ... & he delivered ... I took a piece of him with me that day ... & suddenly I was alone no more ...
We became shadows of each other ... finishing each others thoughts ... he was the steady that was missing in my life .. I was the passion missing from his ... then one day he looked at me .. as his savior .. & anointed me SUMO ... a wrestler .. a fighter ... someone who holds on & never lets go ...
It was special this friendship of ours ... I told him he was uncool to my super cool .. we never spoke to each other in school ... that was my dictat ... & then one day he took this dictat & turned it around on its head ... he started leaving me notes ... of all places the library ... & there we started conversing in school ...
He took my challenge my handicap & turned it into a victory for both of us ... that was him ... he got me ... at an age when life is about transient ... we formed something permanent ... I cooked for him & he did my homework ... yes we were the perfect foil for each other ...
Then that day life delivered him a cruel one ... his world stood standing on a single wheel ... he came to me looking for support & all I could see was he still had a wheel .. I did not have anything to stand on ... so I clung to the imaginary ... I clung to the transient ... & that day I lost my permanence ... I was once again alone ...
My destiny ... a tear in my eye standing alone facing the nothing...
I waited & waited .. days passed ... months passed .. years passed ... but he never came back ... I wanted to see him just once more ... I wanted to tell him Sorry .. a sorry he did not let me tell him ... We both lost a lot that day ... he lost his cocoon & I lost my identity ... I was Sumo no more ... cause I could not hold on ...
Then one day he came back ... but he did not know me anymore ... he had obliterated me from his thots ... I did not exist in his mind ..in his heart .. in his life ... & all that was left of US was ... Kaun Sumo ?
We bickered we fought we insulted & we lost ... we lost the essence that made US ... we traded ..yes that's what it came down to material & paybacks ... it came down to debts settled ... debt ... A debt of friendship or a debt of revenge ... or a debt of feelings .. or a debt of what could have been ... It was all squared off ...
That day I gave him my most prized possession ... my memories ... Cause memory had no value if they did not have him in it ... we walked away from each other amidst a cloud of dust ... Once again my eyes watered .. my face was wet ... ofcourse it was the dust ... that damn Delhi dust ...
Life had a cruel one waiting for me once again ... & this time I had to ask him to be A knight ... But the price was to high ... He wanted me to lay myself bare ... how could I ... That was my only shield ... How cud I ... I wore my mantle .. I wore my mask ... I wore the mask he gave me ... I became Sumo ... I fought ... In my little way I gave him back the passion I had taken from him 10 years back ...
That day I was drowning ... The world was grey ... I was over my head in it ... when a hand clasped mine ... & pulled me out of the quagmire ... I looked up into his eyes ... My reluctant knight ... We held on to each other ... we could not let go ... His destiny was to be my knight ... & mine was to hold on to him ...
I succumbed to my destiny that day ... & took him to show him me ... i showed him who I was ... I did not hide ... I was naked that day ... I showed him an empty shell ... I showed him an empty life ... When he suddenly said a thank you with a small smile ... & once again I was alone no more ...
We fought the battle & we won ... He asked me for something big ... Something which defined us ... something without which we only lived but cud not thrive ... He asked ... Will you be my friend ... a bittersweet smile on my face ... I accepted whatever little he could give me ... Cause I could not be alone anymore ...
Our journey took us through highs & lows ... some days he helped me some days I helped him ... Then one day I saw him ... Laid bare ... A small piece of paper ... Which held our destiny in its words ... There was a small question in that letter ... Is this love?? .. a questioned asked to me ... But a question which I wanted to ask ...
Asked I did ... But I got the now familiar mask ... Moved on ... I asked myself daily .. could love die ... could one move on ... But he clung to his mask ... & I thought the mask he wore was not a mask of my making .. it was a mask of the past ... & I got his past to meet him ...
His past delivered in a small box ... A memory ... A whisper .. an echo ... I thought he cherished the memory ... I thought he welcomed the caress of the whisper ... But when I got his past in front of him ... he crumbled ...
His past had no place in his current he said ... A past which had me ... I had no place in his life ... did he say that to me .. yes he did .. while shouting the three words to me ... I hate you ... a current ran through me ... how come he was so sure it was hate ... why did he not ask me is this hate ... he asked me is this love ... how could he be sure this was hate then ... I wanted to rant ..i wanted to rave ... how can u be certain .. ur past is not ever going to be part of ur present ... but he once again walked away ...
I looked at the now empty doorway ... A searing pain running thru my body ... When I felt my face .. it was wet ... It was ofcourse that damn Delhi dust ... What else ... as I turned inside ... I felt a shadow cover me ... a shadow of aloneness ... I was alone again ... I had lost once again ... His past had me loose again ...
Our relation went into the realm of irreparable ... it had broken ... His dream had shattered that day in my house ... & mine lay shattered in bits & pieces all around me ... He told me he had broken my dream .. he had shattered it ... to bits & pieces
That day I knew what it meant to be a living corpse ... I had lost it all ... alone was my destiny ... or so I thot .. not only were my dreams shattered ... my memories were tarnished .. my reason to survive lay on the ground broken... After he had left me the first time .. this was my identity ... today once again he took away my identity from me ... I stood surrounded by a crowd of people ... but more alone than ever before ... coz this time he had taken away my cocoon ...
I came home lost & defeated ... Where I was surrounded by a litany of Sumo ... a wrestler .. I was asked to stand up once again to fight ... I did it ... I had no other choice ... I picked up bits & pieces of my life ... wit the little strength I could muster .. when he once again came in front of me ... To trade ...
He offered me a price for my dreams ... He offered me a payoff for shattering my dreams ... I stood there gasping ... Was this all that was left of US ... a payment for dreams shattered ...
That damn Delhi dust caught me once again ... But I picked up the mantle he gave me & challenged him ... I would turn the tide ... I did ... I did .. I did turn the tide ... But in its wake I lay on the ground in small pieces ... my eyes shut to the world ... my dreams forever caught in between them ... But a faint whisper of his voice kept me from succumbing to the final call ...
He would not even let me perish in peace .. he was there .. egging me on ... I did not want him to see me like this ... a broken person ... I did not want this to be about pity ... I did not want his pity .. I wanted ... No I did not want anything from him .. I just wanted him to leave me ... As he had already left me ... I wanted to embrace my aloneness ... I did not want to be teased ... but he held on ... stoically sometimes .. sometimes fighting me ...
Slowly he got my pieces back together ... He put me together ... Piece by piece ... He held my hand promising me ... He would leave me when I got well ... ofcourse I wanted to get well .. ofcourse I wanted him to go ... ofcourse ... this damn Delhi dust ... It keeps getting in my eye ...
I stood up once more .. my dream my mission restored ... yes he helped me ... yes he put me back together ... But the price for that was to high ... The price was HE LEFT ... Once again as I stood surrounded by people ... I was left ALONE ... he had gone ...
Once again I laid myself bare infront of him ... I knew he could not hurt me .. I showed him the trust I put in him ... in US ... & I asked him ... Could he afford me the same TRUST ...could he believe that if he could not hurt me .. then I could not hurt him as well ... could he believe that ... could he step out of his mask & lay himself bare ... I told him I would wait for him ... just like I had promised in him that day in his office ... I would wait for him till he could speak his hearts desire ... I would wait for his trust in me ... He smiled his smile ... & suddenly I was alone no more...
Our lives took another turn today ... We were pushed into a relation ... A relation which brought to head ours ...
Life had another cruel one waiting for me ...
I was once again abandoned on a precipice of life where both sides I fell ... both sides I plunged ... I was offered another trade ... another trade where If I had to keep the people around me happy I had to condem myself to a life of being ALONE ...
He called me today ... he wanted me to meet him ... he wanted to speak his hearts desire to me ... how could I go to him ... I was not strong enuf to resist breaking down in front of him ... I was not strong enuf to resist my love for him ... I was not strong enuf to abandon ... I was not strong enuf to once again break his very premise of being ... I was not strong enuf to shatter his every illusion ...
I chose to stay away ... I consoled myself ... friendship is all he had for me that day on my terrace & friendship is all that he has now ...
I lay huddled on my bed ... Fighting the dark clouds which were threatening to engulf me ... When I could hear his words ... U are SUMO ...yes I was SUMO .. a wrestler ... one who holds on & does not give up ...
Thank you ...
Udne Ki Aasha
