SanDhir FF: Espresso Love (Ch.39 P.111 Dec.02) - Page 62

PART TWENTY FIVE - KAHVE

"You know with the other guys, at least they respected me. My wishes, my dreams. But Sameer? He was, or rather, is the complete opposite of what I wanted. He's the complete opposite of you..." I trailed off quietly. I couldn't even bring myself to look into his eyes at this point. Just telling him all of this was a challenge in itself.

"So why'd you say yes?" his hoarse voice broke the silence that had engulfed us.

"I didn't," I sighed. "But at that point, dad said he'd had enough of my silly reasons to reject the proposals," I laughed. "It really would've made my life easier if I'd had said yes to another guy to be honest. I could've lived with them probably... Could have even learnt how to be happy probably."

It was at this moment when our dinner was served. We took our time off from the past and just ate in silence. The silence itself was not awkward, but it was wrecking havoc in my mind. "You've been awfully quiet Randhir, are you okay?" I asked him, not being able to decipher his reaction completely.

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--

To be honest, I still didn't have my answer. Not to mention she hasn't said anything about Riaan either. But before I had the chance to say anything, she asked the waiter to get our bills. Separate of course.

My eyes shot up to meet hers, "We're leaving?"

I would have lost it tonight had she really thought she'd tell me a little piece of the story and I'd be satisfied.

"No, no. I just... I need to be in a private space to say anything more. I hope you won't mind if I invite you over to my apartment?" she looked nervous. And cute; she always looked cute when she was nervous. I held myself back from cracking a smile and nodded as we headed out. The drive to her home was the longest period of time I have ever spent with her in complete silence. Thankfully, we soon reached her apartment complex. I found an empty parking spot and parked the car, after which we headed to her apartment.

"Before inviting you in, I want to give you a warning," to which I cocked an eyebrow in response. "Ever since I've started the internship, I haven't had much time to keep the apartment tidy. So just ignore the mess, okay?"

I almost rolled my eyes, "I doubt it's as messy as you're making it sound Sanyukta." But she just shrugged, "Hey, I did my job by warning you," she chuckled.

As soon as she opened the door and led me in, I realized just how truthful she was being. "Whoa, this was unexpected!"

It took me a while to take in the... mess!

"You actually live here? Definitely not the Farzi I know!" And for once after such a long time, it didn't hurt to call her that! I smiled, more to myself, at this realization. She came to me with a glass of water and smiled, "You're right Randhir. This isn't her."

That wiped the smile off my face entirely. Something was amiss in her these days.

"What happened to you Sanyu? How'd you change so much? And why did you come back? What do you want?" I asked, no longer having the patience or the will to hold myself back.

"It all basically started when I was gone home for a weekend. It was Sunday evening and I was about to leave for college so I could get back before midnight, but Sameer and his family had unexpectedly arrived for dinner. It was only later I found out that my father was the one who had called them over. Unlike the other times, he didn't let us talk for long and before I could even understand what was going on, they were fixing the date for our engagement."

Though her voice was rather monotonous, the look on her face was unmistakable; anger etched into every expression. "The day I screamed at you, telling you I don't need to answer your questions was in front of my father. He was nearby and I couldn't afford for you guys to cross paths, at least not at that point. Ever since then, I had to keep going home every weekend. While they wanted me to prepare myself for life after marriage, I was busy trying to get them to give me a chance... Give you a chance."

"Why didn't you just tell me? Don't you think I could have fought for us too?"

"I wanted to Randhir! Believe me! But your parents' divorce had you shattered, not to mention you were already furious for having to pick sides in their ordeal! I really had thought I'd be able to deal with it. I mean I was able to convince them all the other times, like how I persuaded them to allow me to pursue an engineering degree! If I doubted my ability to fight for us even a little bit, I would have told you! I just didn't want to stress you out any more than you already were!"

Running my hand through my hair, I just laughed. "I don't even know what to say."

"I know it sounds like a silly excuse. A lame one too. But if you'd been in my shoes and seen yourself the way I saw you, there's no doubt you would've done the same thing! And to be completely honest, I underestimated just how serious dad really was, until the time I went home to be welcomed to my own engagement."

Her eyes were tearing up and her voice was raspy. "You know I've always known my parents were somewhat orthodox in their beliefs, but I didn't know they'd force me to this extent. I mean let alone allowing me to choose my husband, they picked someone for me AND didn't bother giving me a choice? Who does that?"

I wiped off the tears from her cheek; "And I thought I was the only one blessed with selfish parents," I joked, wanting to lighten the mood a bit. I wanted to know more, but it hurt to see her feel so helpless. I once knew a fighter, alas, this wasn't her...

"But Sanyukta," I looked at her directly, "even after that you didn't think it was important for me to know what was going on?"

I was hurt, but more than that, I was disappointed.

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My heartbeat fastened to dangerously high levels. "I don't want you to hate me Randhir..." I cowered from telling the truth. Looking away from him, "My whole life I fought for myself. Fought with my family, fought for my spot at FITE, fought to be recognized. But I gave up. I gave up when I needed to fight the most."

--

--

She wasn't even looking at me anymore, but I paid attention to every word she said.

"I had come to your house that night. Parth told me your parents had called you over to go over some formalities. But I can still remember your face that night. It was as if you were crushed with the same burden from childhood all over again. I don't care what anyone thinks, but I did what I thought was right. Hiding it from you was a choice I made. And yes, I have paid for it. Greatly. But if I had a chance to shield you from something that would put you in more pain, then I'd do it a hundred times over again without thinking twice. I promised myself to keep you out of it, and that I'd clear out everything myself. But in a matter of days, dad's business had gone crashing down because of some employee's intentional error. His stress led to a cardiac arrest eventually, and a serious hospitalization was required. As dramatic as it sounds, when your father is in that situation, the only thing on your mind is what you can do to save him. He would wake up with fits and seizures, mentioning only one name. You'd think it was me, or Ankit, or even mom. But no, Sameer... That was all he ever said. You know how much I loved, love, you. But I love my father too Randhir. I would never have been happy had I chosen you over him back then. And so I made my decision."

I felt tears stinging my eyes, my body feeling suddenly feverish. "Did you even think about the pain you put me through with your decision? I needed you the most at that time Sanyukta. And you weren't there. To make it worse, you leave without any explanation? What were you trying to prove?" I screamed, feeling enraged at the lousy explanation she was giving me to justify herself. "You say you love me but I really doubt it. Because you know just as well as I do that if you had told me your situation, I would have been there for you. But no. You were selfish Sanyukta. That's what you were. You took the easier way out of it all. I feel sad for you, that you didn't have the courage to own up to your decision."

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It didn't hurt to hear him say all that to be honest, because I had come to the realization a long time ago. My cowardice stung me every day, slapping me with the truth when I reflected back to my past. But it did hurt to hear him say he doubted my love. If there was one thing that was constant in my life right now, apart from Riaan, then it was my love for Randhir. But I don't blame him... It was I who was to blame in my entirety.

"I'm not going to ask for forgiveness," he scoffed but I kept going, "but I do want you to know that," my voice faltering now. "That I wanted to protect you. Maybe my way of doing it wasn't right, but you can't say it was wrong either because you weren't there in my situation. I had to choose between two people who meant the world to me Randhir. Neither choice was easy for me to make."

And then I thought of Riaan... I bit my lip. Was he ready to hear it? I couldn't decide; but I knew the time was now. Now or never Sanyukta.

"And now that we've reached this far, I might as well tell you my life's biggest truth." I went to Shraddha's apartment, my neighbour who was watching Riaan for the evening, and brought Riaan with me. He was sleeping, but that was for the better as I didn't want him to hear the commotion.

"This is my son Randhir."

Randhir turned to face me, smiling in anger. "You love me right Sanyu? Then what is this? How desperate were you Sanyukta?"

I stayed mum, knowing he was just speaking in anger. Putting Riaan down to bed in the other room, I faced Randhir once again. "You have no idea what I have been through Randhir. If all of this was hard for you, don't forget that it was hard for me as well!"

"Really?" his voice rose to the next decibel. "Must have been very hard considering you went sleeping around with some guy you were supposedly forced to marry! So tell me Sanyukta," he came close to me, "how many times did you guys try for Riaan?" He laughed, "Or was it a mistake? Unplanned?" he feigned confusion.

I slapped him hard and pulled him by the collar, "Enough Randhir! Don't you dare say a f**king word about Riaan. Enough is enough! I won't tolerate a word against him!"

His nostrils flared as he pushed me away with force and walked off, slamming the door behind him as he left. I sank to the floor, not being able to comprehend what just happened. He came back though, "Why'd you leave without an explanation?"

His face was stoic, an unusual glint taking over; "Wanted to protect me? Thought it'd help me move on? Or because you were too f**king selfish?" he almost screamed, hurling the accusations as if they were mere words, not knowing how deep their gashes went. "You just wanted an easy way out didn't you? Pretend you're doing something great by sacrificing your love right? Leave me behind and hold the higher ground, right?" his voice wavering by now.

"You know what Sanyukta, I don't know what I was expecting to hear today. I don't even know what I was expecting from any of this. But I didn't know I'd end up actually hating you after it all," he whispered before slamming the door shut again. A chilling vibe spent through my spine as I sat there, hating myself to a new extent today.

"Mommy, why are you crying?" Riaan came to me, rubbing his eyes. I cleared off the tears and smiled, "Nothing baby, just something in my eye. Come let's head to bed okay?"

I lifted him in my arms and put him to sleep. I tried closing my eyes, but sleep was miles away tonight, and nothing could change that.