Part 11
Dear Diary...
It has been almost two months since Kunj has been normal to me.. in fact normal over all.. He is not taking everything in the right way.. he is weak.. that is what I have realized.. and that means I have to be strong for him.. I feel so lost.. I am trying to hold him together and at the same time falling apart myself.. I am losing the friend I care so deeply about.. what if when all this ends.. he walks away?.. what if he blames me for everything ..
My mind again and again wanders to the promise I made.. I should not have.. I just should not have gone to sarika's place it was the worst decision ever.. I should have realized.. I would be the last person Sarika would want to see.. Should I not have told Kunj about the farewell night ? But would he believe me..? The tiny part of my heart who doubted him trusting me is growing slowly.. especially since I have met sarika.. I have felt him doubting me.. even if he has not put into words..yet.
Life has become difficult and studies are no more a priority for neither me or him..
I wish I could tell him what really had happened at Sarika's place.. but who would he believe me or her?
A friend or the girl friend who had ended up in hospital again after I met.
What are the odds of that?
And still all I feel is sorry for him and not myself.. why do I give so little importance to my feelings? I surely had felt insulted and hurt after I left sarika's place.. and yet the only thought since one week is how will I face Kunj... He had literally refused to meet me saying he was busy.. busy with what? He could not visit Sarika.. he was not coming to college.. his files were being submitted by me silently without him knowing.. but still I don't feel more pity for me..
Why should be I blamed for something his psycho girlfriend felt
...
I paused my writing.. as my phone vibrated...It was a call from Kunj..
I felt relieved even before I had picked a call..
I had called him more than 100 times since last week.. all calls had rung till they died.. with no answer
"Kunj?..."
I said in a very soft and low tone.. I didn't want my voice to have any emotion apart from concern
I didn't want him to know how hurt or angry I was at him.. at the moment he needed fixing.. I can fix myself later.
"Twinkle...I am sorry I could not pick your calls.. I am sorry"
He said in a voice full of guilt...
Had he finally come to his senses? ..maybe our friendship still had hope...
"Twinkle.. you should have told me that you didn't want to meet Sarika... I know you delayed it for almost two weeks... you should have just told.."
I felt shocked.. where was he getting all this from
I still did not understand what had happened... what had sarika conveyed to him..
I was angry that he had not even bothered to hear my side...of story... but again a girlfriend in hospital wont lie right?
I kept mum.. because I knew if I spoke.. I would just cry and I had never cried in front of him.. I could not..I would not
My emotions were in a messed up state and I didn't know any more what to do
Our four years of friendship.. everything we had done for each other.. how I had stood for him always...weren't they enough for him to believe me?
I wanted to explain but that was against my principles.. but how many times had I given up my principles.. well innumerable times..for him?
I just thought if I explained I would look even more bad...
So accept the allegations?
And before I could say anything
"Twinkle I will talk later.. mom is calling.."
And there went my chance to say anything and my mind wandered to that awful memory
I knocked at Sarika's door
Her mom opened the door and looked curiously at me
"Who are you?"
"I am Twinkle ... Sarika's friend.. "
"I have never seen you before.."
Her mom said inquisitively
My gut advised me to turn back before anything bad happened.. but the promise made me stay..
" Oh aunty.. I live far.. so have not visited .."
" Oh okay.. sarika is in her room.. she has not been well.. so I would advise you to visit her quickly"
"Oh okay aunty...Thank you.."
I almost ran towards the room she had directed.. away from her piercing eyes..
I just prayed she had not looked through me
I entered Sarika's room
She was reading a book and she appeared calm and composed against the broken Kunj I had been visiting...Shut up.. I said to my mind...but my mind told.. does she even look upset or someone who had cut her hand for someone.. she even had earphones on.. and the music was loud enough to even be heard by me..
I hated myself for having such judging and evil thoughts.. that was not like I was..
I pushed them and came near the bed.
She finally looked up and her face hardened... and her expression read of hate..
And I knew.. the promise should have been broken..
I felt my heart in my stomach
She threw her book down .. took off her headphones
" YOU!"
She almost screamed
"Sar--- Sarika.. "
I tried to say in the most calm voice I could..
"Why the hell are you hear.. are you not happy to have separated me and Kunj that you have come to see me... ?"
I was shocked by these new allegations of her blaming me for her separation..added to how she was Kunj's girlfriend and not me...
I composed myself
" I?? I didn't separate you two.. your parents are against it right?"
" You called him that day.. my neighbors saw Kunj coming out from my house and told Dad about it.. he wasn't careful because he had you on his mind.. or he generally takes the back door... you are just trouble for both of us"
She said in an angry accusing tone and her eyes and voice spoke of hatred..
It amazed me how much she hated me ... even when in the time she had been with Kunj.. I had hardly gone out with Kunj except for buying gifts for HER
All the time I had spent with Kunj were in college or on phone teaching him..
How could I be blamed for something I had always run away from.. I never wanted to be the cause to this..
"I am sorry but he had called me ..."
"Oh stop giving excuses... why are you here!???"
She almost screamed...
" I wanted to check up on you ... tell Kunj how you are doing.."
She looked even more angry
" tell Kunj I am not fine as long as you are in his life ..."
I looked at her shocked...
Aunty came to room
" why did I hear Kunj's name .. Twinkle you know him?"
Her mom asked almost in anger..
Sarika looked scared now...and so was I
" no - no aunty.. I don't"
But it was too late and she asked me to leave..
Sarika looked at me like I was to be blamed for everything
I ran outside and called Kunj
"Kunj.. sarika.."
"you went to her place finally?.. Thanks Twinkle.. how is she ..? is she ok?"
"Kunj I think""
"Oh wait,.. sarika is calling"
He put me on hold...
....
" Hey Sarika.. how come you calling"
" Why did you tell Twinkle to come..? She made allegations that I have messed your life and what not and my mom is even more angry why ??"
Sarika was crying and it left me shocked...
" Twinkle would never say that"
" Oh so you are going to trust her...and not me...!!!"
"Sarika.."
Kunj said in a desperate tone...
" I love you Kunj.. how can you not trust me.."
She continued crying...
In desperation to make her stop crying
" I Trust you..."
...
I was on hold for almost half an hour..
I wanted to clear about what had happened...
"Kunj!"
"Twinkle"
And he almost screamed...for the first time
" Why didn't you tell me .. ?"
And he cut the phone.. and I called back again and again..
...
I looked at my diary...It was wet with my tears...a day later Kunj texted me that sarika was again in the hospital.. and he cant even visit her
His text implied that I had made situation worse for him
I could feel my friendship fading..
I didn't feel like writing in the diary anymore..
...
2 Months later
I looked at the last call I ever received by Kunj .. it had been two months.. we were on our winter break and it had been 2 months since he had called..well for anything apart from work
He would text now and then about college as we were in same group for various projects but we hardly talked about anything else..
I had kept trying
I looked at my phone .. 250 calls made in last 2 months..to Kunj and only Kunj and only few answered in response to text I had sent saying " It is related to college. pick up"
His lack of trust had made me feel worthless and lost .. and I didn't even want to carry on the friendship.. but every time I saw him in college.. his face spoke of his sleepless nights.. and that is the reason I still silently held on to him.. I didn't want to leave him in his most miserable state..
Will our friendship ever get back on track.. I had decided not to tell him what had actually happened at Sarika's place..
I was too immersed in collecting the broken fragments of my friendship to him
It amazed me that even after everything I still cared deeply about him.. and not a minute went by when I did not wonder on how he was and how I can fx him
The innumerable text from my side had stopped when he clearly said that he did not want to discuss anything related to Sarika.. I realized he did not want my explanations but he neither wanted to let go off me completely
I hoped that some part of him still believed in me .. trusted me..
I craved for his presence and my craving would overshadow my will to give up on this friendship.. I felt empty without his friendship.. and every little minute he talked to me or stayed with me in college for studies were holding me together..
I prayed things would settle themselves...for things to calm down.. and these two months I was content holding these little pieces of my friendship... that is what allowed me to remain sane.. his complete absence from my life could drive me insane..
Maybe in other people's eyes I would appear to be someone who does not respect herself..
But I had not begged Kunj to stay except tell him that his friendship is very important to me... I had called him only to know that he is okay...
Because what others may not see was how hearing his voice calmed my trembling soul.. how seeing him normal would make my heartbeats pace nomally... how his presence could make me feel sane .. for some reason.. this bond was just too hard to let go.. and I was no more in a position to try that..
He was my sanity and insanity and I was stuck between that
And moreover I knew even the little things I did for him were the only things that were holding him together...and I could not let go knowing this...
(Little I knew the storm had silenced to give way to an even bigger storm..)
...
Hope you all liked the part!!
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Thanks for all the love
Cheers
Griffy
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