Memories - TWINJ FF new part Page 52! - Page 9

Part 5

Finally after two weeks of pursuing her I am getting the chance to meet her. Its been just so long ...Maybe now I can finally fix it all... just like how she used to fix me... just like how to my every problem she was the solution...

I remember when I was dating Sarika and things were going really good with her... I remember how she was there with me till the very end... I do regret that now... wish she had not stayed... wish she had walked away... so I would not have to hurt her... she might still be my friend... but how things ended ... and how she deleted me from her life... well that was way worse than having distance in a relationship...

(flashback)

"Twinkle...! Twinkle ! Please come with me to the mall.. I need to buy something nice for sarika... please..."

I said in desperate tone to Twinkle...

"Ok just this once.. exams are approaching and I don't want to fail... unlike you who has full plans to throw away your career... because of ----"

I cut her in the middle of sentence

" and as if you will let me throw away my career"

I grinned shamelessly

and her face broke into smile... a little strained smile... I knew she was worried about me

I had not been paying attention in class... The last 8 months of dating Sarika had driven me away from pretty much everything but somehow she managed to stay on... somehow she managed to be there or maybe I always asked her for help or called her for notes and no matter how many times I would have ignored her previously... she seemed to appear whenever I needed her

I did take her for granted... that is what caused me to find my way back to her.. the memories of fights and our friendship are still vivid in my mind... but the end... well that was the worst...

-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Dear Diary

Its amazing how you can go on for days shutting away your feelings... training your mind to hate someone... Training your soul to feel no pain... its amazing how humans have the capability to isolate themselves and go on with life. But the truth is the emotions stay and they are just finding their way back to you. So one day or the other... your real self... your true emotions do surface. Hatred can drive away your real self for some days... months and in my case years... but somehow love can melt it all even though we know love is more painful than hate. Yet, we humans tend to choose love.

I wish I didn't have to meet him.. I wish I didn't have to face him... but the crack in my isolated wall had already happened. Whether I met him or not I would have to face him in my thoughts, in my dreams and nothing would be solved.

The aching feeling to meet my old best friend had also been growing in me since the last two weeks. The truth is a part of me however tiny it is wanted its best friend back... but the betrayed friend in me had kept revolting and still is. And what about the broken heart? The heart which was never chosen by him... the heart who stood by patiently waiting ... waiting to be his.

Twinkle

I finished writing my diary before heading to work... the truth was the diary wasn't helping anymore...

I entered the presentation room with full intention to avoid looking at him and yet somehow the first person my eyes saw were him... and for the first time I saw a real smile on his face...

I had to control every muscle of my face to not revert the smile... so I just looked away.. and I knew he felt bad because I felt his smile falter.. and then somehow I felt even worse...aah not again not again!!! My desire to always see him happy was back and I didn't like it even for one second...

The presentation got over and before I could rush out he called

"Twinkle--- umm Miss Taneja"

I turned again unable to find words...why was this so hard...

"We are meeting right? At 5?"

I looked at his hopeful face.. somewhere an angry person screamed inside me " ditch him ditch him"

But the friend in me had risen already and I knew the friend was the winner

I weakly said "yes... we will..I need to go now"

I turned and left

I reached starbucks way before time to prepare myself...my mind was swarming with memories of the past..the painful forgotten past stood in front of me like a painting ...and with every memory I remembered the painting was a bit more complete...The truth was I had lived so long in denial... the memories almost felt unreal to me...how long had I shunned them away..Each memory was more painful than the other...the hangouts.. the movie outings...the endless teaching sessions...the discussions on every single thing in the world which probably went on till dawn...the friendship...

The reason I had denied my feelings for him was because of our beautiful friendship ... I didn't want to harm it by bringing these feelings... I wanted to protect it... I had always believed that people we love come to us without fight without struggle...if they are meant for us..they find a way to us and if not we don't belong together...the friend part of me always found my way back to him... The truth was our friendship that I so dearly had protected from not only everyone else but also my heart was the reason it all felt apart..if only I would have maintained distance... if only I gave us space.. maybe there wouldn't have been a 5 years gap ... Maybe so much time would not have been lost

I looked at starbucks and whispered to myself "and again our friendship brings us together but our love/hate will break us apart"

A silent tear ran down my face and I quickly wiped it. I walked into the cafe

I looked around at friends sharing laughter... family sharing love...and well I wasn't the only one looking at them

There sat that one person on whose friendship I could have survived forever

"Stay strong"... I whispered to myself...

----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

She looks so lost in her thoughts... she might have changed ... but the look on her face when she looked at friends around us was definitely her missing how we used to be..

I had come half hour before to starbucks to prepare myself... nothing could go wrong now... a lot of time has been lost... a lot has been left unsaid...

I couldn't stand the wait anymore... she had left a space in my life which I had not been able to fill all these years. She was the best friend I had ever had.. our friendship was true and loyal... and yet I had failed to realize this that day..when all was lost..

My mind wandered to the memories.. the good ones .. the hilarious ones... the serious ones...and the hurtful ones...especially of that day when I lost her...

"Mr. Sarna..."

I broke away from my chain of thoughts. She had reached the table.

" Its Kunj; Twinkle... we are not in office anymore"

She almost looked angry but sat down.

She looked everywhere except me...

After 5 minutes I realized we had not spoken a word...

She got up and brought the coffee... I didn't even realize... I thought she was leaving so I panicked and said

" Twinkle ...at the least listen to me"

" I am just getting coffee" she said politely.

Her hard expression had softened... she had felt the panic in my voice...

Was it always like this? Had she always noticed changes in my tone? Have I been blind ?

She got two Lattes ... well she still remembered what I liked..

"Twinkle... I just wanted to meet you and sort whatever happened so many years ago.. you literally shut me out from your life... I"

Twinkle cut me off

"See Kunj.. I only came today so that you would stop annoying me and we can work peacefully as this project is really important to me"

---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

He looked hurt by what I had just said... and that in turn hurt me...

Why did I say that? This wasn't about any project.. I got irritated with his accusation that I had shut him out.. what about my innumerable pleadings before I had finally walked out.. what about my endless sleepless nights my thousands of unanswered calls and him saying ..." Twinkle I am done with you just leave"

Those words still echoed in my mind

" you came to meet me because of a project?"

He sounded disappointed.. and the friend in me rose again and this time stronger

" I didn't mean---I just --- see Kunj - what is past in the past... we both have moved on"

I was finding hard to find words...

The memories of our last fight had surfaced in my mind .. and I was going through that pain again.. the pain of losing him... the pain of giving up on someone who mattered the world for me... the fragments of my broken friendship lying around me...

And a tear found its way to my face

And I saw his expression change.. and this expression I could not read.

------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Do comment and suggestions are most welcome

Cheers

Griffy

Part 6