Radhika
I turned as I heard footsteps. Arjun had woken up- I realised. It was the same day again. The day which haunted him, probably me too. Cursed- a cursed day it was. And the day had come again in our life to haunt him and me.
As usual I saw him taking the newspaper and settling on the couch for comfort though I know he was far away from being comfortable. He picked up the coffee cup and took a sip and glanced at the paper. Actually
pretended. I know he was trying to show that he was engrossed with it but I know that he wasn't actually going through the newspaper. I know he didn't have the slightest interest in it right now. There was a distant look in his eyes- a very familiar one to me. I know he was trying hard to keep himself distracted- to pretend everything is normal. But deep down we knew that it was anything but normal.
It has been nearly 2 years of our marriage and still it feels like there's something between us that is making things difficult.
No need to tell that he is a very
loving and caring husband. Actually to me he is the best life partner any girl could wish for. He loves me. And his love for me has such depth that I can't fathom. I can see it in his eyes. Whenever he smiles at me, kisses me, talks to me, makes love to me- I can see it; I can feel it. He never hides anything from me. Not a single thing.
But still I feel like he has built boundaries around him and he wouldn't let me in. I feel like there's a huge wall between us and I try hard to climb it but I fall every time- every single time my
attempts are failed.
We are life partners- we are meant to be together- to share our lives. But how can I share my life with him when he doesn't let himself share his with mine? When he doesn't let me? I know it is a past part of his life and I shouldn't really care about it. But how can't I when I know that he cares a lot. In fact though it is a past, it is still a major part of his life.
Sometimes I wanted to shout. Don't I have the least importance in your life that you can't share your pains with me? The troubles that you're going through? Am I
even not worth of knowing what makes you sad? Then what is the meaning of staying together when we both know that we still have a barrier between us. I wanted to shout, whom are you fooling? Me? Or probably yourself? Pretending that nothing happened and everything is fine and running away from it doesn't solve the problem. If you think that you'll close your eyes and pretend that if you can't see the world then the world is blind too- that doesn't happen Arjun. Is that what you really wanna do Arjun?
It's not that we haven't had fights
on it. In fact we had major ones. But it never concluded on a good point. We would stop talking and again with time he would come to me and apologise and pacify me and somehow I would be convinced and everything would be normal again. But I didn't want it. I wanted more. I didn't want us to fight over this issue again and again. I just wanted it to end forever. Cause whenever we had fights, at times he would say he didn't like me to interfere in his life and worse- if I had so much problem with it then I could leave him. That hurt me the most. Whenever he said those words to me I felt like someone is piercing my heart with a sharp
knife. I couldn't tolerate my Arjun saying that to me. That's why I wanted all these to end.
Arjun
I woke up stretching my hands; my eyes closed. I opened my eyes as I realised Radhika wasn't in my arms. She might have woken up. Strange, I thought. She would have been caressing my face until I woke up and kissed her. Then where is she? Suddenly realisation strikes and I remember that it is 'the day'. That's why she didn't wake me up.
Suddenly I feel horrible. It is me who always pushes her away on this day. Cause I want to be alone. And then I feel hurt when she doesn't talk to me and the feeling of hurting her adds to it. I really don't what I want- I am so damn confused. That's why I hate this day. I hate it but can't leave it behind. And I really don't know what to do about it.
I found her in the kitchen. She was making breakfast. Her long silky hair left open and her beautiful eyes- Oh my god! Was she crying
it feels when you realise that you are hurting the one you love most and you can't do anything about it...
I walked up to the couch as if I didn't notice her. I cursed myself. Why this has to be like this? Usually, I would have walked upto her, hugged her from behind and kissed her. Though she pretended to be reluctant, I knew she liked it. It was a cute-naughty teasing game between us. I chuckled a bit at the thought. And again... it wasn't a usual day. It was cursed. A cursed day of my life and a cursed part of my dark past...
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Mangal Lakshmi
