Posted:
Saddest quotes inspired this one shot.. Some of them are used as it they are...
Link to meher's POV - the other half of this is.
Marriage isn't a love affair. It isn't even a honeymoon. It's a job. A long hard job, at which both partners have to work, harder than they've worked at anything in their lives before. Is it too late that I realise it now, sitting in the confines of a five star hotel room. In another country. Away from hers. Leaving her behind in the process. Afraid of what... A kid... My baby... I was afraid of being a parent... Afraid of the change in my lifestyle... How could a child change my lifestyle overnight... Running away...?? That's the best solution I could come up with. Is that's what I am really capable of, or it is my immaturity and impulsiveness. I wasn't the coward I have become now. It feels as if I have clones of myself walking around and one is blaming the other.
I need to go back. To her. To meher. She keeps me sane. I'm going insane and the ache inside my heart is increasing every minute. You know the feeling when something inside you is burning and you can do nothing about it. You want to burn yourself in that fire hoping your beloved will come and save you from it. From the fire that is slowly consuming you. I feel the same and hopes meher comes running to me. Why will she come back...?? She isn't the one who ran away, its me. I have hurted her and she might be the one burning in that fire. I have to go and undo the mess I have created. Time for damage control.
How could I ever call our marriage a mistake... Even if it is, it is the most beautiful mistake of my life and I will never regret it. My anger issues really does makes me say stupid and hurtful things. I know I have hurted meher. I have hurted her in the worst way possible.. Months back I promised her to never hurt her, protect her and love her. I broke my promises and I realise it. But I can't just call her and get it out like that. I have to meet her, go on my knees and apologise. If someone had hurted meher, I would have killed that someone and protected meher. But how am I supposed to save her from myself - from my not so good side - from my demons. I want to hurt myself but hurting myself would eventually hurt meher. She really loves me a lot. She has given me her everything and I'm supposed to love her and treat her like a princess. Give her a life she always deserved.
Two weeks. Two weeks of repenting regretting realising analysing spent in isolation. But now my mind is relaxed and it knows what it wants. Meher. Only Meher. Meri Meher. I'm ready for life and even if it is about her pregnancy, I'm ready. Ready to do whatever it takes to keep us together. I reach home and ran up to my bedroom. I took a deep breath and opened the door. It was time Abeer Malhotra. Go on your knees, apologise and start a fresh. I somewhere know meher would understand eventually and will forgive me. We can then start again leaving these two weeks behind; as of it never happened. Actually a lot has been happened with us and gone wrong in just few months. It was time to mend our relationship. The room looked lifeless when I looked around. Devoid of her presence and her fragrance. Nothing makes a room feel emptier than wanting someone in it. Suddenly the world had stopped and life came to a rest. Her absence felt like millions of daggers being stabbed again and again in my heart.
My solution to the problem was to run away and hers was divorce. Yes i told her that our marriage was a mistake and that we should get separated but she should know i never meant it. I really love her way too much to say something like this. She should have understood me. Here I return in the hope of mending our broken relationship and she is adamant to break all ties. She has given up all hope on us. Already. Unbelievable. She was never the one to give up. There were hundred of thoughts going in my mind when dad told me that she has demanded alimony and has already signed the papers. I look at her signatures on the divorce papers in her beautiful handwriting. As if she craved her decision on those papers. She has decided our fate and estimated the worth of our love and our marriage. If that's what she has decided for us, then I will agree to her. Not because I want the same thing but because I just promised myself to stand beside her in every situation. Who knew the situation will be something like this... Something that horrible. I think that's what people call as 'irony of life'.
How I wish I wouldn't have been that stupid. How could I sign those freaking papers. Relationships can't be broken by a piece of piece, can they...?? Signing a lifeless piece of paper and the relationship ends. Non sense. Next minute I regret why I ever listened to tayi ji. She told me to stay in Singapore a bit more and in the meanwhile she will handle things. So foolish of me. I should have returned and talked to meher. Talking does sorts out problems. Meher always used to say it and but why isn't she here today to talk it all out. We need to discuss and leave it behind us. We have to. We can't let our relationship... Our marriage fail. No ways. Now i realise that Love is a verb, not a noun. It is active. Love is not just feelings of passion and romance. It is behavior and I will show her how much she means to me. The way I behaved with her is... Its disgusting and I'm ready to take it back.
Seeing her after weeks, all I want to do is lock her up in the cage of my arms and closing the door. Never letting her go. Freezing in the moment and spending the whole life like this. Hugging her close. She looks at me with her eyes blank. The eyes which just had love in them for me; today it had nothing. She looked no where like the girl I fell in love with. She wasn't the meher I knew. She was nothing like that chashmish mehu. She was Mrs. Meher Malhotra. The woman she has become overnight. The woman I know very little of, she isn't that easy to read now. Sometimes it felt I didn't know her. My mehu was lost now. Lost in the role of an ideal daughter in-law that she was trying to portray. I needed her with me all the time and now she had other things to take care of and to worry about. She was sidelining me now and why wouldn't it hurt me when I used to be her only priority. It struck me like lightening when her love and attention wasn't focused on me. I think we shouldn't have got married that soon... It was way too early, I guess. We should have waited.
I try to strike a conversation with her but it was suddenly very difficult. How can I begin to tell her how much I miss her without using those three common words that can't even start to express the magnitude nor the depth of my emotions. How I wish to create a new alphabet or a new metaphor to convey her my feelings. To tell her how I feel right now sitting beside her but still feeling a mile away from her. This is what distance does to a relationship sometimes. Somehow I let some words out. The words that can be twisted in any shape and how sad I was never the one to be good with words. I hope she looks into my eyes and penetrate into my heart and soul. Listening to my unsaid words. She listens to me quietly and never does she looks at me in the whole time. It was heart breaking and the thoughts in my mind were tangled by now. I had no idea what to say and how to convince her. I just want one thing and thats her. Only hers.
She looks at me for the first time and tells me that I'm immature, stubborn, spoilt and Impulsive. She thinks I just wanted her and I got her somehow. I played with her... Like a toy... And then I threw her away when I got bored. I look at her in disbelief. So that's what she thinks about me... So she had been hiding it all within her, all this time. Never did she let me feel that she thinks that low of me. Great discovery Abeer Malhotra...!! Great...!!!! And then she blames me of being carefree, guiltless and unconcerned. Another blow...!! She never praised me that much before... Why didn't you meher...?? I know she is hurt but the thing she doesn't know is... That she is also hurting me right now. Questioning my love for her... Calling it what... A zidd and a junoon... Brilliant...!!! So I'm the villain in my own love story... That's what she made me feel like. I agree I made mistakes... Huge mistakes and who doesn't. Humans are designed to commit mistakes but she isn't ready to give me another chance. Why..?? Because I play with people and their feelings and their lives. I'm a playboy... A playboy who fell irrevocably in love with her... With a nerd. How cliche...!!!
Thinking of a life without her, the thought used to kill me. And now I realise its the last day of our marriage, as she states. I try to look into her eyes and read her but I fail. I couldn't read her. Yes I hurted her but its her who is destroying what we have.
Was I bitter...?? Yes... Was I hurt..?? You bet I was. Who doesn't feel a part of their heart break at rejection. I ask myself every question I can think of, what, why, how come, and then my sadness turned into anger. She was leaving me and I would be left with no one. I have cried only in front of her and sometimes mom. The only person I ever shared my weakness, fears and insecurity with. The only person I thought would leave me. From now on, I will have no one. I will be all alone. She gets up to leave and I order alcohol. Not to drown myself in it but to make her stop me. Just to see if she still cares for me the way she cared before this all happened. I want her to snatch away the bottle from my hands and tell me not to drink that awful thing and that she isn't leaving. Its her right to show me that im hers. Only hers. I want her to reconsider us but the saddest thing is that I don't know how. How should I prove to her that I really love her. I love her more than anything and everything in this whole world. She looks at me while I drink. But she doesn't say a word. My final analysis, words mean nothing.
You know the time when you realise you have nothing except your past. The memories come running back to me and every time it crashed into pieces, looking at the present and thinking of the future. The once beautiful cherished memories were burning my insides. Or was it the alcohol. Mourning. Just mourning over the loss of something I never had. How ridiculous. Mourning something that never was - my dashed hopes, my dashed dreams, and my soured expectations.
Bahut ghatiya aadmihoon na main... Bahut ghatiya... Bura... Ill treatment kia maine uske saath... Bahut kharab... Apne jalaad baap ke saath ghar mein akela chod diya.. Kitna ganda... Bahut ganda hoon main... Tum jao na tumhe kya farak padhta hai...
How I wish she replies that she cares... Uska farak padhta hai... Woh bhi mujhse pyaar karti hai... Utna hi jitna main usse karta hoon... Par usne kuch nahi bola. Itna gussa... Itna... Ke main marr bhi jaun toh shayad usko farak na padhe. Mere hone ya na hone ka bhi koi farak nahi padhega kya usko. Itne dur kab aa gaye hum... Kab...?? I'm not giving up... So I try everything to melt her heart but nothing works. Nothing.
She brings me home unlike what she said an hour back. She warned me she wouldn't drive me home if I get drunk. She still cares... She still loves me... I can feel it... Her warmth her love her care... It saddens me again. She will be gone. Gone away from me and my life. Everything is falling apart. Tonight is the last night before everything changes. Tomorrow will be the most dreadful day of my life, she will leave me. We will be divorced. How am I suppose to make her understand that divorce is not a cure its a surgical operation.
She is leaving. Leaving for never to return. I hold her hands and try to get up. I stumble but she prevents me from falling, holding on to me. The alcohol in my system was making me lose my senses but even in that condition I couldn't let go of her. She is like a drug I can't go on without. I need her to breath. I tell her I love her. I confess my undying love to her again and again, in a hope that things would magical become alright. She can't leave me... It can't be that easy. Will she be able to forget this room, those photographs, those moments... Will she forget me... Wouldn't she love me now.
"Aaj mere pass rukk jao... Fir shayad yeh raat kabhi na aaye..."
The tears rolling down her eyes said it all. She felt the same. It was difficult for her as well. Leaving each other was the toughest thing we would have ever done in our lifetime but if that's what she want, I might give her that as well. Our pain is reflected in our eyes. Red eyes. Dry lips. Shivering hands. bleeding hearts. We were breaking. Beyond repair. We were losing each other. Losing our soulmate.
We were crying. Crying for losing the most precious thing we had. Our love. I couldn't help but kiss her forehead. A silent promise of being with her always. Beside her. No matter what. She will always be my other half. My best half... She might walk away from me but I will stand here, at this crossroad. I will wait for her as she is my only one. My one and only. My soulmate. She is mine. Mine to hold, to love and to cherish. She loves me... Only me.
My eyes open, head a bit heavy, blame the stupid alcohol, and I look around. Meher was no where to be seen and I thought she must be some around. My heart believed that it was any other day and life is back to normal. I really hoped we were fine until my eyes land on a chit on the mirror.
"All the best for your life abeer..."
Seven words, 26 letters. That's it. She left me... Leaving what...?? Just a note behind. Everyday she used to leave a chit behind. But today was different. Today the chit showed that she regretted what happened last night or may be she just gave in to me last night. Was she just fulfilling her wifely duties towards me last night. Was she that shameful of me or whatever happened last night. Before I could even understand what was happening, dad walked in. It was time. Time to go and sign those dreadful papers and commit the biggest mistake of my life. I enter the bathroom and turn the shower on. With every drop of water falling on me, I could feel my insides sink. My knees too. So I sit on the ground, against the wall, letting it support me. Placing my head on my knees, I set the tears free; I didn't know I was holding back. I thought I knew what heartbreak felt like. Read it in books and seen it in movies. I thought heartbreak was me, standing alone at the crossroad. That was nothing. This, this was heartbreak. The pain in my chest, the ache behind my eyes. The knowing that things will never be the same again. It's all relative, I suppose. I thought I knew love, I thought I know real pain, but I didn't. I didn't know anything.
Sometimes the best and worst times of our life can coincide. It is a talent of the soul to discover the joy in pain - thinking of moments you long for, and knowing you'll never have them again. That's what I feel. Isn't that the greatest tragedy...?? When someone rejects us, no matter how they abuse our love, we hope against reason that somehow they will come back to us. When she left, it was like someone had ripped my heart out, crumbled it up like a flimsy piece of loose leaf of paper and crammed it back into my chest. It somehow managed to work, but it would never, ever feel the same. The irony of the human heart is that it's tormented both by the presence and absence of it's own soul's counterpart. Her absence is doing that to me. Absence is to love what wind is to fire; it extinguishes the small, it inflames the great.
Its been a month I saw her last in the court. I was never going to sign those papers but the alimony check fuelled my decision and I ended what we had. Just the exact thing what she wanted. Sometimes you hurt the ones who love you the most. Sometimes you hold the one's who leave you lost. And sometimes you learn but sometimes its late. Its too late. Everyone keeps telling me that time heals all wounds, but no one can tell me what I'm supposed to do right now. Right now I can't sleep. It's right now that I can't eat. Right now I still hear her voice, see her smile and sense her presence even though I know she's not here. Right now all I seem to do is cry. I know all about time and wounds healing, but even if I had all the time in the world, I still don't know what to do with all this hurt right now. Time seems to stand still around me; the mornings just as cloudy and dark as the evenings, as if the sun had decided never to rise again. There was no wind, like the world was holding its breath along with me, waiting for her to return in my life, in my arms. Every night I kiss her ghost, and sleep with the dust on her photograph, next to my bedside.
This is Irony of Love.
@@@@@@
They are 3236 words.
I demand long comments. And if u are not up for it, hit the like button... 😊
CID
Cricket
