Arshi Comedy SS - Love & Other Disasters/Chapter 2/UPDATED/(Pg-36) - Page 11

Chapter 1

First Disaster: Mud Struck

~ When you fall I will be there to catch you ~

With love, the floor

"Thud...thud...wham...bham...thud", the sound was emanating from the very famous road of Bombay City which is famous for it's never ending hustle bustle according to the forever wandering pedestrians and called as a pain in ass for being stuck there in rush hours by the poor and frustrated drivers of the motor vehicles.

Arey don't be confused here because the voices you just heard weren't coming from any casualty or recent accident nor it was emitting from a nearby construction site. Actually the voices were of some hoodlums being beaten to death by a gang of girls. Yes don't be surprised here now as I haven't said aliens but a gang of girls. Although some may contradict from my point here and will call those girls as aliens or a total wacko, never mind I can always change their mind as I have been doing just that from many years...

But wait...before I tell you about the gang let me first introduce myself. I am Khushi Kumari Gupta, aka Crazy Khushi aka Gangster Khushi and some had even gone far in calling me Rabid Khushi. The title rabid Khushiwas originated from the mouth of a hoodlum who was teasing a poor innocent gal of my neighborhood while she was coming back from her college. The hoodlum belonged to the same neighborhood as that gal and was also the only son among six sisters of the same college principal in which that gal used to go...

The gal was on scholarship, a brilliant student I should add here and a very silent and serious sort. The guy was after the girl from a long time and almost every day he used to stalk the gal on her way to college, in college canteen and then on her way back from college to her home. Meaning he never left her alone except when she would go to her classroom for lessons. He was a real pest but all this time he hadn't dared to speak to her let alone touch her because I have been always with my one and only friend Payal, stuck at her side as her sole defender...

We were always together wherever we would go, whenever we would go, just not in the bathroom ofcourse Ahem Ahem. Where I was before my mind took 180 degrees turn, yes one day the guy broke all of his rules and dared to catch the arm of Payal, insisting that she should go on a date with him. I had seen enough, the guy definitely needed a rough awakening from La La Land where he had been sleeping as Daddy's boy, I had thought. From two months I was bearing with that guy being a constant pain in ass and reducing my best friend to almost tears. I was only silent on Payal's insistence otherwise I would have torn him to pieces, yes really to pieces...

So on that day when he had caught her arm and had started tugging at it, I had shed my inhibitions too and had started to tug at Payal's arm from the other side. Poor Payal had started to move in circles like a winded doll. When I thought it was enough of us playing Ring a Ring a Roses with that guy Shyam snarling at me to leave her hand and me snapping at him to leave hers I decided to teach him a lesson, my way in morals & etiquettes.

Although his intentions were never lecherous and he had never passed any dirty remarks on any gal of the college, he was spoiled rotten by his father and was famous for his obsessive streak, stubborn attitude and bullying ways. Whatever he wanted he would get it by hook and crook and this time he wanted simple and nave Payal to be his girlfriend. But I had decided too that never in a hundred years I would let him bully my best friend...

The students had started to mill around us in a huge circle, some were looking at us with open-mouthed surprise and some were silently fuming at the high-handedness of Shyam. But none of them was brave enough to earn the wrath of daddy's boy. One of them a tall muscular looking type of guy, who must have spent half of his life in gym had started to move forward like Terminator while reflexing his arms in a menacing move of a Robocop but his girlfriend a tiny midget who ended just where his waist would start had halted him in midway. All of a sudden like a meek puppy his quivering muscles had went slack and he had deflated like a pricked balloon...

The only thing left to do by him was to hide his face in that midget's oversized chest. Which was far oversized then her tiny body and that had been apparent from her plastic surgery craze that she must have enhanced them over the summer.

Now her normal chest had been horribly enhanced into two cauliflower-sized breasts and from the time she had come back after vacations she had been flaunting her cleavage and those two cauliflowers' in almost every boy's face. Because of her shamelessly coming on to every boy of the college in a bid to tempt them to have an affair with her she was called by the title of "Midget Hooker"...

So where was I, sorry this twisting mind of mine always take a u-turn when I starts to get serious okay so the man was stopped by his midget cauliflower...oops... 😆😆 sorry slip of tongue midget girlfriend in mid action! No one had been daring to come forward and as I saw the last chance in that Terminator's shape fading before my eyes I decided to make my move.

All this time I had been almost pumping with testosterone...oho...wrong word...😲😆 yeah testosterone is only find in boys...okay was pumping with adrenaline to mash that Shyam's face in the cobbled floor of the college courtyard so hard that the patterns of tiles would form on his face and then he would be the perfect sample for an interior decorator...

By that time a harassed looking Payal had been still warning me from the corner of her eyes to not do anything drastic which would send her scholarship plan into danger as Shyam was a Daddy's boy. Angered at the cowardly manner of my college mates and losing my patience with every passing moment I had snapped atlast on Shyam to leave Payal alone. In return he had thrown me a mocking you-are-a-girl-what-can-you-do look. If I had been a dry log of wood I would have caught fire such was the anger that crackled through every pore of my body...

That had been his worst mistake that mocking look of his, because the next time I saw the look in his eyes they had been full of fear and angry disbelief at my crazy act. Now before you ask me what did I do next to earn that look then I should first confess to you that I am a pure vegetarian through and through (You must have guessed it by now because of my pure vegetarian phrases 😎) but that day I became a non-vegetarian 😭😆because I bit him, right on his hand which was holding Payal's arm. Not a soft bite but a hard non-vegetarian Chicken Tikka-like bite which had caused him to give a pig-like grunt in pain and that too infront of the whole damned college. And I didn't leave him, not even when he had left his hold on Payal's arm to tug at my hair...

I was so engrossed in having the taste of his flesh that I didn't even feel the pain of him pulling my hair out of the roots. I was too focused in my wolverine bite and giving him pain for doing the mistake of taking gals lightly or thinking of them as weaker sex. It was Payal who had atlast brought me to my senses by hugging me from behind and then tugging me away from Shyam's arm. I had been snarling like a Baby Bear under attack and I could swear that many guys from the circle of onlookers would have peed in their pants...

By the time Payal dragged me away the damaged had already been done and I was rusticated from the college by our Uncle Tom-Cat oops...😆😆sorry...principle. Tom-Cat because not a single female teacher was left that hadn't gotten hit by his seductive or not-so seductive ways.

He was famous for hitting on female the female staff and caressing a hand over his shiny bald head (which he thought in his stupid arrogance would dazzle the women's eyes 😆) while he would move his eyes like tennis balls and would blush like carrot. He had been married five times in past, got seven children from the first two wives and divorced five times too because of his Tom-cat ways and rumor was that he was trying to find the sixth bride...

So with spittle flying from his face on the speech about etiquette's and decorum that had almost made me stone-deaf (Did I mention that he never used loudspeaker in assembly 🤢😆) he threw me out from his college but not before I had put the Fear of Flesh...😆 ummm...I mean Fear Of God in his son's mind which his upcoming seven generations would remember whenever they would see the marks of my teeth etched across his fleshy arm. (That's because the way they were made by my teeth, they had no chance of ever fading away 😆😆).

Not a single witness had spoken on my behalf, Payal's protests had gone unheard too by the Baldy Tom-Cat but I was still happy and satisfied that I had left my mark of fear on a guy's arm, who would never think of women as weaker sex from now on...

That Disaster had earned me the title of Rabid Khushi, spread across the neighborhood by that same guy Shyam. The guys of my neighborhood had always avoided me like plague not because I was the daughter of a Judo Master who ran a Taekwondo & Judo Club but because I was fearless, crazy and would never stop at punishing the hoodlums, harassers and pickpockets on my behalf...

I had gotten the self-defence training from my father who was a black-belt in Martial Arts and ran the club in the space reserved for it in our house. Judo was his hobby, his part-time hobby to be precisely which he only attended to from morning till afternoon while his real job was to handle the security of a business firm as a Chief Security Operative from night till the morning of next day.

Now you'll be confused as to when did the poor chap sleep? 😕😆 Or was he a vampire who would never sleep? Then you'll feel impressed by how hardworking my dad was. Now let me clear your confusion here, that wasn't the case infact the case, was quite the opposite. He would sleep all day just not at the time when he would have to go to the company, then he would be shaken awake quite brutally by my step-mom, a butcher's daughter and dad's third wife who would get irritated after trying ineffectively to wake him up and would almost sit on his legs much to the annoyance of my Dad...

Who would be more shaken on the account of getting his sleep disturbed then on my step-mom's heavy weight pressing him painfully into the mattress. "Sash, sash please wake up", she would try to wake him up and would bat her eyelashes while caressing a huge paw ummm...i mean hand...across my dad's face (which would almost cover whole of his face 😆😉) and my dad would always jerk of her hand in annoyance. "Let me sleep baby cakes", he would say and I would wince at the irony of his words.

Let me tell you there was nothing tiny and babyish about my food crazy step-mom, she would have been better called as a wedding cake rather than a baby cake. My real mom had died after I was born due to the grievous & internal injuries that she sustained when she tried to play kick-boxing while she was 5 months pregnant with me. Poor mom, couldn't let go of her craziness even in pregnancy and that particular craziness had taken her away from me and dad...

She had also been the only daughter of a Judo Master from whom my father had taken the Martial Arts training. My father's and mother's romance had been the Judo Romance of Century and as my father had been the most brilliant and favorite student of my grandfather, he and my grandma had agreed instantly on their match. After the marriage my father had opened up his own Martial Arts Club inside our home and had taken up on training young boys and girls...

My grandma was still alive but my grandfather had died last year when he had went on bungee jumping at the ripe old age of seventy and had expired in mid-jump, the toothless grin of excitement never leaving his face even in death. My grandma was a dancer herself and even at 60 years of age she used to teach dancing at home and in evenings she would go to Disco Clubs. Once two years ago she broke her front two teeth too while learning the basics for a Pole Dance and almost fractured her wrist while taking an exultant gymnastic twist...

So that was my maternal grandparent's Hyper-Hectic Disaster Story...

My paternal grandparents had died when I was ten years old while going on a trip to their in-laws. They had stayed in a motel on their way to their still but barely alive in-laws house and had eaten a particularly stale KFC's Zinger Burger from the food hamper in which my grandfather had brought in a stock of Zinger Burgers, Fries and Cold Drinks. They were found dead in their bed in morning by the motel owner.

The TV had been still blaring on full volume and my grandparents were frozen in a state of toothless mummies grinning widely, the disposable cups and bags of KFC lying near them as evidence. It was known by their autopsy report that they had died from food poisoning as my Grandpa had been very fond of KFC and he was the one who had stubbornly insisted on adding it to their food hamper, ignoring the fact that they would get stale or would get covered with Fungus after two or three days...

And that had been the end of my paternal grandparent's KFC Chicky-Disaster End Story...

My father had been married thrice, his first wife had been my mother then his second wife had unfortunately ran away with his Judo Karate Student and now he had found out his third wife while buying chicken from her father. My father and my step-mom were non-vegetarian while I was the only one who followed a strict vegetarian diet...

So where was I before I started to revisit my family album, yes where my step-mom, would almost sit on my father's leg inorder to wake him up for his duty. My father was a 45 years old thin, tall bamboo shaped man, with a hairline which was receding with age but I had to hand it to him he had an abnormally sharp eyesight which I could swear would spot a tiny ant running in the farthest corner of the room and hearing that would detect the buzzing of a fly in the room.

But the only thing he lacked in was his weak sense of smell. Poor daddy, what he wouldn't have given in his life to smell the Non-Veg Biryani that Mrs. Baqir used to cook in the house next to us...

My step-mom Garima Gupta although had a very strong sense of smell and that was the main reason for her weight gain, whenever she would visit the market she would forget all about buying the important stuff like groceries and would start drooling over various assortments of spicy food. And when she would arrive home she would be groaning under the weight of eatables held in both hands and grocery would always be forgotten completely or would be mashed completely under the weight of those same eatables.

Sometimes it would be a poor tomato slaughtered on the altar of my food-greedy mom or sometimes it would be some drooping Spinach leaves shrunken to a corner of basket from fear of being crushed to death under their rival vegetables...

No wonder my mom was called a watermelon by our neighbor's and my father a bamboo stick. A Bambelon couple in true sense...

My dad had almost handed the reins of his precious Judo Club to me, where I used to give training to his students, while he would only visit there from time to time to check how his students were holding yet or how I was training them and on weekends he would train them himself while I would help mom in her household chores.

If you remove that nasty gluttonous trait of hers which reduced my father almost to a begging state many times, she was quite sweet actually and could be a replacement for my mom, unlike my second mom who had been a tall horsey thing, with rabbit like front teeth and mean black eyes which had used to lighten up with lust after finding a boy half of her age. And she had done just that seduced more than half of my father's students and in the end had finally run away with one of them...

So enough of my story you would be now thinking what is the limit to which that gal can blabber. Well I would be honest with you my speech has really no limit. I can blabber forever...😆😆oops...coming towards the main story I should explain to you that the guys who were being beaten to death by us were bullying a girl who was waiting for her respective bus at the bus stand.

We had seen them while we were returning from a nearby coffee shop which was near our house and we often used to visit it on Fridays. The girl was scared to death and looked to be a college student while the boys looked to be teenagers and college mates of that girl. A vision of Swati and Shyam flashed before my eyes and I decided on the spot that this time I wasn't going to let the bullies go with a single bite, I would make a mince meat out of them and would eat their Kebab's even if it would result in me letting go of my vegetarian diet...

They were three in number while my student girls plus I were four in strength and in addition we were trained in self-defence too. So first we had tried to stop them in a courteously manner but when they all had started throwing a women's weaknesses in our forces we had let the hounds of hell...😈😆 meaning us lose on them. The pedestrians had stopped in their tracks shock evident on their faces, onlookers were watching us with open-mouthed surprise while the women were almost cheering us on, glee on their faces.

I almost jumped out of my skin as in that instant a car rushed past us on the road, swerving crazily and causing speckles of wet mud to fly and target my new clothes. It had been raining yesterday and the mud near the footpath had still been wet and me who had been standing near the road watching my girls beat the shit out of those bullies had gotten the worst of that mud splash.

"Stupid baseless jerk", I was shouting after the driver when the car screeched to a halt just a few meters away. Did the man really heard my curses?, I was thinking just that when the car door opened to emit an alien in his whole glory...😲 or more of an alien-human to be precise, I thought rubbing at my eyes with disbelief.

As the alien-human started to move towards me I too took a cautious step towards him, but my caution went literally in gutter. I got unbalanced, skidded wildly on the wet mud and fall flat on all fours, my face coming to rest near the place where the alien-human's feet had just halted in my periphery...

That was the first disaster that happened on our very first meeting. Getting mud struck...

P.S: Do Like & Comment Dearies If You Liked The First Funny Dose! 😛😉