He lies in bed, listening to the slow tide of her breath. If he listened hard, very hard, he could hear her heart, pressing against her skin, fluttering in the hollow of her throat.
If he hovered close, he could see it fluttering in the follow her throat. If he tilts his head, sliding his head into the cup of her neck, he can see the veins jump, the skin pull upwards, and he can pass his mouth over the sharp line of her jaw, nestle into the inward fall of her waist, kiss the mole on her left shoulder blade and burrow deep into the pale warmth of her flesh.
And if he slid his arms around her, he could have pulled her tight, twining close and let the maelstrom whip around them unheeded.
But he doesn't do any of these. Not one. Rather, he rolls off the bed, slowly, carefully, so as not to jounce her awake. He pulls his shirt around himself, the sudden whish intruding upon the lush silence of her bedroom; not buttoning, leaving the tails hanging out. He turns around to spare only one glance of the moonlight that flames silver on her jaw, outlining the delicate curve of her shoulder, the fall of her hip, the line of her calves, slim, elegant and thin, and her arms hugging the distance between themselves.
...
He sits down in front of the TV and turns it on, muting the volume. The house is all quiet, except for the mechanical droning of the refrigerator, and the light from the fish tank illuminating a part of the Hall. Aagham insisted on this one and Ragini had agreed readily.
He thinks of his life, which seems to have taken a turn for the better. Though he hadn't ever vocalised it. About her presence in his life. About how happy he was to look at the trust and understanding that was once again building up between them.
He gazes at the TV listlessly, he couldn't sleep. All he wanted was to wrap her in his arms and hold her close to his heart as she slept. He realises one thing, sitting in the silence. Sunny Tai had let it out by mistake. Ragini has started sleeping soundly nowadays, since he has returned to her life.
He smiles sadly, picks himself up from the sofa and walks back inside.
...
The moon is playing, stretching long lovely silver slivers across her back, painting her hair and kissing her shoulders, casting her in cool shades, perfect, still. A tree slides across the window, casting a black bar; it dances it back and silver dances in, caressing the small of her back, the cup of her knee, the curve of her hip.
A sigh escapes him as nostalgia hits him, as he remembers the fluid arch of her mouth in his, the line of her hips, the soft little sounds she makes when he touches her. He leans against the wall, watching her, sipping in her purity, and perfect, still grace.
He stands near the door staring as she shifts to his side of the bed. He has watched her many times now like this, feeling the weight of time settle on his shoulders. They had made so many mistakes over these years. He could feel their weight, helping to drag him down.
Their love was a silent one, spoken more through silent touches and glances than actual words. He supposed that their bond would be shattered if the actual words were spoken. But they needed to do that as well. He shivered.
That love was more everlasting than anything he ever experienced. He was satisfied just to know that she was by his side.
Then
"Nachiket. You are not sleeping?"
Her voice is so clear, slicing into the still air. He shakes his head.
Only a little, but he shakes his head. And she does not move.
And the moon, it plays across her back.
He walks up to her and sits down beside her prone form on the bed. She rises unsteadily and then falls into his arms, shaking in his arms; he doesn't let her know that he could feel her crying.
He buries his face in her hair, his lips pressed against her neck - desperate to breathe a part of her deep inside his body, to hold it and let her become a part of him.
Her fingers on the back of his neck tensed as pulled her even more tightly against him, not knowing if it was possible to get any closer without pushing the breath out of her. Maybe that's what she needed; to clear it out, all of it, to start anew one more time.
He felt an unrecognisable energy floating around them as her lips hovered over his. Her eyes were closed, her lips slightly parted, the look on her face a mix of conflict and resolution. She tilted her head and he felt a pull in his chest and waited for her to make her choice.
She is soft, so soft, when she kisses him.
He held onto the reigns as the world threatened to spin out of control. Her breath on his cheek. She nudged her mouth against his and waited for a response.
He did not waste any more time. He took her bottom lip between his and kissed it. She pulled his head down to kiss him harder, and soon it felt like his body was wrapping around hers, that he could completely envelop her in himself, protect her, hide her from the burning rays of reality that filtered through their defences.
Nachiket's thoughts
I let out a small moan--I had tried to hold it back when I felt her soft lips on mine. That sound seemed to snap her out of the reverie she'd created and she pulled away quickly, opening her eyes.
"I'm so sorry," she whispered, her brow furrowing.
"Why?" I asked, my hand still buried in her hair. I tried to ignore the pulse I felt flooding my body everywhere, even the places I wished it wouldn't at the moment.
"It's not...it's not the right time. And then, there's Nivedita" She sniffled, and her tear-streaked face was more than I could handle. I kissed the tears away on each cheek.
"She is no longer there Ragini; she was never there between us ... and never will" I said on a breath, nodding my head. She searched my eyes.
"Is it?"
"Ragini...I..." Her mouth was just an inch away. Her look was questioning yet resolute, like she knew the answer as well as I did. I could barely speak. "Ragini ... you have to believe me"
She closed her eyes and stood her ground. I closed mine to feel every inch of her pressed against me, the quiet tension buzzing between us.
When I felt her kiss me again I didn't hold back, responding to her more, wanting her to know this was exactly what I wanted, exactly the choice I wanted her to make.
She pulled away again, more reluctantly this time. I was still lost in the feeling of her soft mouth caressing mine.
"Nachiket" she whispered.
It took me a few seconds to open my eyes, as if waking from a deep sleep. Her hand dropped from the back of my neck and she twined her fingers with mine. I could see her thinking. I wanted to read her thoughts if for only a split second of epiphany.
She pulled out of my embrace and gazed into my eyes as she continued
"I do not like Dr Neil Khanna ... he is a Meanie"
And I laughed through my tears. I didn't like him either.
****************************************
We sat on the edge of our bed, her hand still lost in mine, and we look out of the windows. We were separated from the outside. We were ourselves, alone.
"I'm having a hard time believing it," she said, her voice hitching on held-back tears.
I looked at her as she studied the window. "I know."
Her face fell then and she pulled my hand into her lap. She looked down it. "Thank you for deciding to try."
I bit my lower lip, feeling the threat of tears. "I'd do anything to give that to you. Anything."
I felt her tear hit my hand and she met my eyes. "I just want to feel you right now."
I nodded. It was all I could do.
****************************************
I'd searched the stars in the night sky for what felt like centuries, to find her and my way back.
She lay back on her pillows and I followed, resting next to her side. She tilted her head and I kissed her lips, tentatively taking control of her mouth.
She kissed me back, her fingers sliding through my hair, pulling me more deeply into her. Her tongue slipped past my lips and I heard a soft moan from the back of her throat. And I felt the pulling desire to do so much more, but I was worried about balancing what she needed and what she didn't need, what she wanted or didn't want.
"Don't be afraid", she breathed against my lips. Sometimes I think she has a doorway into my mind that she can open with the slightest touch of her fingers, the softest echo of my name.
I looked into her eyes while I went about reducing the distances between us. I was however surprised at the feeling of newness, but always knew it would feel different with her, like I was discovering what this should all truly be like with someone. Once again.
I was more transfixed by the look in her eyes that asked me to continue. I slid my fingers up her soft, warm skin, leaving an instant trail of goose bumps. All my breath left me when I felt her shiver.
I let my hand travel over her exposed skin, everywhere I could reach, teasing her. She began arching her back to my touch, while we kissed harder, stealing breaths. I couldn't get enough of her.
She kissed me slowly and I answered her mouth. She broke away with a gentle tug on my upper lip.
"Nachiket" she said, looking into my eyes, her look sincere.
"Can we stop thinking?"
I nodded.
She reached for my heart through those strands of moonlight cascading into the room.
****************************************
She moved her hand down over mine. "Wait. Please."
"What's wrong?" Little alarms went off in my head. Too soon. Too soon.
"Not yet," she whispered. "Not yet."
She kissed me again and I let my fingers rest against her buttery skin.
So many words and phrases whirred through my head in that instant. "I want to give you everything."
She kept my gaze steadily "You do. Always"
I shook my head. "No, I don't. I haven't yet. But I'll try."
She pressed her forehead against mine.
****************************************
She was amazing, like she was meant for me. And when we finally reached crescendo together, I felt as if I was pulled under into the most heavenly place I'd ever been. I wanted to stay there with her forever, in an afterglow of things certain and pure.
I rose and slid next to her on the bed, pulling her into me. She turned on her side and curled into my body and I realized then that she was crying.
I wrapped an arm around her and pulled her closer, storing my questions and concerns within.
"Why, Nachiket?" she said against my chest, her breaths steadying.
I bit my lip hard, knowing she didn't expect an answer I didn't have for her.
"I don't know why I let you go and let us be so lonely, in the process" I whispered, stroking her bare back.
We rested together and I stared out the window again, watching trees move under the weighted wind that was pushing us into another day.
"I just want what I deserve to have," she said, sounding drowsy, her head firmly pressed against my chin. "Nothing more. What I want is so simple. It should be so easy."
I closed my eyes and listened to hear breathe, slowly, softly, until she fell asleep.
The END
...
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