Chapter 13
Forcefully I put a few morsels of dal and roti down my throat but it wasn't long when I felt nauseated again and ran up to my room. It was for the fifth time in the day that I'd thrown up. He'd left early in the morning for his meeting and since then I was visiting the washroom on a regular basis. My stomach was beginning to hurt and I sat on the couch holding it. Bulbul came in hurriedly and asked," what happened, again you vomited?" I nodded my head, she sat next to me and said," maybe there was something in the food last night that didn't suit you." I remembered having nothing at all in the party in fact last night I just had a few golgappas for which I even got glared by him and till now I'd taken out all those small and tasty golgappas along with the porridge that I had in the morning.
I felt too exhausted at the moment, bulbul wrapped her arm around me," bhabhi, let me ask daadi ji, she might have some medicine for indigestion." I shook my head instantly, there was no need to disturb her, I would be fine in some time and said," I'll rest for a while then I'll be okay."
She didn't argue and stood up to leave but stopped on seeing me adjust the cushions on the recliner," why are you lying here...sleep on the bed." Biting my lower lip I glanced at the bed and wondered how could I sleep on his bed? And at the same time I couldn't tell her either, what we shared remained behind the closed doors of this room. I stood up and replied," yeah I was going there only." She smiled and left the room, I shut the door and went back to the recliner.
Barely an hour had gone by that now along with my stomach even by head was paining like anything making it impossible for me to even lay down. I heard a knock at the door, opening it I found a worried daadi ji standing before me and I couldn't stop myself from telling her, in how much pain I was. Clutching my stomach I said," it's hurting really badly." She creased her forehead and placed her hand on my cheek," pragya beta, you have fever too..but don't worry, I'll ask bulbul to take you to a doctor." I seriously needed a doctor at that point of time.
We both went to a nearby nursing home, there was a long queue of patients waiting to visit the physician. Sitting on the bench patiently I looked around and spotted maa, she was a few meters away from us on the opposite bench, our eyes met and she hurriedly came to me leaving tanu outside the gynaecologist's room.
" pragya, what happened to you?" she asked worriedly. I held her hand and replied calmly," nothing maa, I have fever and my stomach is aching a bit ." in the mean time a nurse passing by recognized me and bulbul, she at once urged me," madam, why are you in the queue. Please come with me, the doctor will see you at once." I smiled and nodded a no," no, I'll wait for my turn."
All the respect that I was getting today was because of him and everyone in the town showed that respect not out of fear but out of love, I glanced at tanu, hoped she got the message. Lowering her eyes She stood up carefully and took a step probably to meet me but was stopped by the ward boy who informed her that her turn had come. I looked at maa and gestured her to accompany tanu.
Closing my eyes, clutching my stomach I leaned my head against the wall behind and recalled the brief conversation that I had with maa last night. It surprised me on seeing how easily my parents had forgotten what tanu had done. The news of their becoming grandparents might have cooled down their temper, also being a mother how long could she have stayed annoyed with her daughter. They had buried the hatchet and wished me to do the same by attending her baby shower which maa was planning to organize next month. I'd refused point blank, there was no way that I would attend her baby shower. Her pregnancy did make me happy and I would have thought of being a part of that celebration had she been regretful of her acts, but clearly she wasn't. It was easier for others to let bygones be bygones but not for me, coz I'd witnessed what he'd gone through because of her, his pain, his anguish couldn't be condoned so easily.
I'd told maa about the conversation that we had the other day, hoping that this might make her realize the extent of bitterness tanu still had against him even though he wasn't at fault. But maa thought otherwise and suggested that I should instead take her words as her concern for her little sister. I'd shaken my head in disagreement, there was no point in arguing with her, she wasn't willing to understand my perspective and when tanu joined her, I'd preferred to leave. In the huge crowd with my family around all of a sudden I'd started to feel so lonely, there was nobody to support and understand me. No wonder the whole atmosphere had become heavy and suffocating for me to stay there so I'd asked him to take me out.
Bulbul pressed my hand and said," come,let go. It's our turn." her voice brought me out of my reverie and I opened my eyes.
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Taking the medicines along with a glass of juice I decided to take a nap. But it wasn't long when the feeling of sickness in my stomach came back and I wished to throw up once again. Coming out of the washroom I began sweating profusely, may be my blood pressure was dropping, still somehow I managed to reach the recliner and sat on it holding my head which was aching badly. I was feeling worse when he returned from work in the evening.
"what's wrong ? you look sick."
" since morning I'm throwing up...and I have a terrible stomach ache."
" last night you shouldn't have eaten so many golgappas." He said softly after a moment which surprised me, I thought he would scold me for being careless about my health but his tone was low and concern filled. Had I been in his place I would have surely gone after him for not taking care of himself. I nodded my head, yeah maybe I shouldn't have had them.
" did you visit the doctor...had any medicine?"
" hmm I took a tablet but couldn't digest it."
With lot of effort I stood up on my feet as I felt like vomiting again, he came close to help me but I said," I'll manage." I did go but didn't know that coming back would be such a big problem. With no energy left, my eye lids began to drop, the whole room seemed to fall into darkness and I called out " suniye" before collapsing.
I thought I'd touch the floor instead I felt his strong arms holding me and the next moment he lifted me in his arms, through my half closed eyes, I saw his worried face and faintly heard him calling my name out. He placed me on the bed slowly and I left the collar of his shirt which I'd held in my fist. He stroked my head and said," don't worry pragya, I'll get the doctor." I sighed deeply and closed my eyes.
I had nothing to worry about when he was by my side and soon exertion took over me and I dozed off.
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Some time later I opened my eyes and saw daadi ji sitting next to me caressing my head, I gave her weak smile and turned my neck to find a drip attached to my vein. I raised my eyes and spotted a glucose bottle hanging on a pole.
" relax pragya...you are fine. The doctor has asked you to rest and something light for a few days." daadi ji said seeing my creased forehead.
I lifted myself to sit up leaning my back against the pillow behind. My eyes travelled across the room, he was standing near the window with his hands in the pockets. My closed palm felt something, opening it I found the button of his shirt, maybe I'd clutched his collar really hard. I kept the button on the side table.
" I'll tell bulbul to get you some soup." Saying so daadi ji moved to get up but he came forward and said," daadi, you sit with her, I shall send bulbul."
It was close to dinner time when bulbul came up with the bowl of soup, daadi ji lifted the spoon to feed me, I glanced at him and he blinked his eyes before I parted my lips to have the soup. After finishing half the bowl my stomach again started paining slightly and because of the sedatives I began to feel drowsy," daadi ji I can't have more." I said, she gave me an understanding look and got up to leave before saying," now you rest and if you need anything let me know ."
I gazed at my right hand where the drip was attached, the bottle was now empty and I thought of removing it. Bringing my left hand I tried to remove the bandage when he hurriedly came up to me. He held my hand and pulled the bandage carefully then asked," did it hurt?" I shook my head, how could he ever hurt me. My hand stayed in his for some time till I slipped it back slowly. I brought my legs down to get up when I heard him say," tonight you sleep here." I shook a no and said," no ..i'll sleep.." before I could complete myself he cut me and said firmly," pragya, I'm not asking you . I'm telling you ." I didn't have the energy to argue with him so gave into his wish. Resting my head on the pillow he covered me with comforter, switched on the lamp on my side and went to the recliner to sleep.
Couple of hours later I woke up when my stomach rumbled, thankfully it wasn't hurting anymore on the contrary I was feeling really hungry. Getting off the bed I walked toward the door but stopped midway on seeing the way he was sleeping on the recliner which was far too small for his height. I smiled at the way he had curled his body to fit in that recliner, still his head was dropping. Lifting his head carefully I placed a cushion underneath it, my gaze halted at his face, even though he was in discomfort, his face was calm and serene. I sat on the floor rested my arm on the table to support my leaning head and watched him silently. This was for the first time that I was seeing or should I say admiring him from such close proximity and that was only possible because his eyes were shut. His sharp and intense gaze didn't allow me to look into his eyes and followed me everywhere, in fact there were times when I had to drop my eyes to prevent him from reading them. What my lips refused to say my eyes said and sometimes I felt he read what they reflected but failed to interpret them correctly. There was always this confusion in his mind to know clearly what was on my mind, no wonder last night at the beach he couldn't stop himself from asking me the reason behind my pain. Like always my lips were sealed but my eyes didn't support my silence and became teary.
I didn't share my past with him because I didn't want him to get upset coz of me, he had gone through a lot in life and deserved only happiness, if I couldn't bring a smile on his face then I didn't wish to bring tears in eyes either. Last night seeing me turn bitter he desired to change my perspective towards life, towards myself , his eyes urged me to be happy. For a moment I'd felt guilty for hiding my past from him, as a husband he had every right to know about it more so when he himself had not hidden anything from me and that had made my eyes turned moist. His undying concern and care for me had made me go weak in front of him for the first time. I'd hated myself for making him suffer because of me. All along the six months that we'd spent together I'd wished that he came out of his past and refrained himself from stepping into mine. I didn't and still didn't want him to get emotionally attached to me but with each passing day he was attempting to cover the distance between ourselves and I had no clue how to stop him.
Sighing deeply I got up to leave to the kitchen when his right hand dropped in his sleep. I lifted his hand to keep it by his side, the same hand that balbir daadi wanted me to hold on forever because she thought that this hand would lead me to the way of happiness, the same hand which he'd outstretched last night not just to make me stand but also help me to step out of my past and walk into my present which was as per him not that unpleasant as I made it out to be. Sometimes I really desired to bare my battered heart to him but then something stopped me.
I freed my hand from his grip and went out silently thinking that after returning I would ask him to go back to his bed.
Switching on the light near the stair case, I stepped down and had barely reached the hall when the power went off and it became pitch dark. I clutched my dupatta firmly and strained my eyes to look around but failed to see things clearly. Stranded in the middle I couldn't go back nor move ahead. Beads of perspiration started to form on my forehead as I began breathing heavily. The clouds thundered outside bringing back the memories of that fateful rainy night. I could face my fear of darkness and for that I only needed to reach the kitchen and find a candle, I reminded myself. Gulping the lump in my throat I concentrated as to where I was standing and how far was kitchen from there. Just a few steps and I would reach the kitchen, little bit of light was coming from a far away window which I needed to follow. I began walking slowly trying to maintain my balance when all of a sudden lightning struck hard, startling me and I stumbled on one of the dining chairs. Thankfully I didn't fall but when I felt a strong grip on my shoulder I screamed. Turning around I began struggling with the person hysterically who was attempting to hold me.
" pragya...pragya it's me. What's the matter with you?" I heard him ask in shock and said nothing before throwing my arms around his neck. I clung on to him tightly as if my life depended on him and sobbed on his shoulder. He held me close, ran his fingers through my hair to calm me down and said softly in my ear," shh ...i'm here." Sometime later I moved back, he brought his hand up and wiped off my tears before asking," what happened, why did you get up?" I licked my dry lips and replied," I came down to eat..and then suddenly the power went off."
He cursed the servants for not doing anything to resume the power," fuse must have went off. Let me fix it...but where's the candle?"
" in the kitchen . right hand side upper shelf." I told him.
" okay you sit here , I'll get it." He said pulling out a chair for me to sit. I grabbed the sleeve of his shirt and said," no, I'll come with you." No way was I going to stay back alone so went with him to the kitchen to get the candle and then to the c.ourtyard where the fuse box was placed, all the time holding his arm.
He opened the fuse box as I held the candle for him, tonight I just couldn't stop myself from gazing at him. His face glowed under the candle light and I could watch him like this the whole night. He was my true light, he was the one who dispeled the darkness around me.
The hot molten wax fell on my thumb and I hissed in pain. He turned his neck immediately and asked while removing the wax from my thumb," did it burn?" I nodded my head slightly, It pained me to see how his feelings towards me were changing, the emotions that were floating in his eyes made me guilty for not accepting and reciprocating the same. His deep affection was melting me from inside, which hurt me. I was annoyed with myself for getting pulled towards him when I knew clearly that some things were not meant for me then why was I even thinking of challenging my destiny? He blew off the candle that I was holding and I realized that darkness had vanished , there was light around once again.
We walked back to the kitchen, he opened the refrigerator to find something for me to eat," doctor said something light ...so.." he said while looking into the refrigerator but failed to find anything suitable then asked, "toast?" I nodded a yes, he placed 2 slices of bread in the toaster while I picked up the butter box to butter the slices. A minute later the slices popped up and I buttered them slowly then kept one slice on the plate and pushed it slightly in his direction. He stared at me for a few seconds before picking it up. While having the bread I lifted my eye lids and glanced at him, his eyes caught me and he asked softly," you're alright now?"
I replied," hmm." But couldn't stop myself from thinking, why were things changing between us? Why were emotions changing into a shade which was not acceptable to me? I had only pain and tears to offer him, I couldn't give him back what he was showering on me neither did I wish to give him false hopes, I wanted to say all this and parted my lips but before I could speak he himself asked while wiping off the butter at the corner of my mouth with his thumb," do you wish to say something?" I gulped and then replied back," I'm full."
His eyes twinkled may be he knew that I'd lied to him, nevertheless he didn't question me again and I didn't know why I didn't have the courage to tell him the truth, may be I was scared to break his heart, may be I couldn't bear to see him getting hurt or maybe I just wanted to enjoy this moment where we for the first time shared a meal together, where for the first time we were physically , emotionally and mentally together.
A while later we went back to the room silently, hand in hand. He held mine or I held his I didn't know, he supported me on his own or I leaned on him I didn't know, I was moving towards him or he was pulling me I didn't know.
Only thing I knew was that unwillingly our incomplete stories were beginning to merge.
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