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Chapter 11
"Someone else?" I asked.
I had to have heard wrong. There was no way... no way that my Randhir could have found someone else. I was the one that he loved. Not anyone else.
He looked at me with sad eyes.
"Yes," he confirmed. "I found someone else."
I would die happily if someone murdered me right now. I didn't want to live through this. I didn't want to live through my whole world crashing down around me. I wanted to crash with it. I didn't want to be left behind as everything died.
"You... you're telling me the truth?" I asked him, my heart aching.
He nodded and I felt myself lean backwards against my bedframe, needing support. This was too much for me to take in.
"I'm sorry," he apologized again, but I didn't want to hear it.
He touched my shoulder and I squeezed my eyes shut.
"Please Randhir... leave me alone," I said to him. "I need space."
"You know... if we keep up our relationship, I'll only hurt you more," Randhir said to me.
I didn't want to hear any of this. My chest was heaving up and down as I struggled to breathe.
"Randhir just stop it," I said to him. "Just stop... please go from here."
He looked at me with pained eyes, and I saw that this was hurting him too. He should be happy... I agreed to what he wanted, I was going to give him a divorce, and he could be with the other girl.
"I'm sor -" he started to apologize, but I cut him off.
"I said go," I interrupted. "I know all of this is because I might not be able to be a mother."
He looked at me with shock.
"Sanyukta how can you even think that?" he asked me, and I glared at him.
"What do you mean how? Ever since I had a miscarriage, you've been growing distant... I know it's because I won't be able to give you a child," I told him.
"That's not true," he pointed out. "You know I care about -"
"Randhir if you cared about me then you wouldn't leave me like this," I interrupted. "What will happen to my life now Randhir?"
"You'll find -" he started, but I cut him off again.
"No I won't find anyone, because nobody will accept someone like me. And even if they do, I won't accept them, because I've already given my heart away," I snapped.
"Sanyukta," he said and he took my hand.
I tried to yank my hand away, but he held on tight.
"Stop it," I said, and then I sobbed heavily.
I started to cry, and he wrapped his arm around my back, and pulled my body to him. I rested my head on his shoulder and he rubbed my back as I cried.
"Don't do this... you're making it hard," I said in between sobs.
"I wish I could just tell you and leave," he murmured. "But I care about you too much... I can't see you cry and hurt yourself."
"You're hurting me more," I sobbed.
"I know," he responded. "Maybe you'll be so hurt that it'll make you stronger."
"Stop," I cried. "Stop it... please."
He held on to me more tightly, and I couldn't help it. It was like my life was slipping away from me, and he was trying to hold it to my body.
"I can't," he responded. "I can't let you go through this alone."
Then I felt something wet on my ear, and I knew he was crying too. For some reason, this made me cry even more.
"Randhir, please," I begged hoarsely. "Please... it hurts too much."
He held me even more tightly as my tears stained his neck and t-shirt, and his tears fell on my ear.
"I don't care about anyone as much as I care about you," he murmured. "I can't let you suffer alone... and I can't let you suffer with me... you tell me, what should I do?"
"Either way I'm suffering right?" I asked him, as I continued to sob. "Either way you'll be away from me... even if I'm with you, you'll be with someone else."
"Sanyukta..." he said softly, "I want you to move on."
"No," I refused. "I won't move on. It's my life... I can do whatever I want."
"Please," he whispered.
"No," I denied.
"For my sake?" he asked softly.
"Why should I do anything for you now?" I asked him. "Would you do anything for me?"
"Ask and see," he murmured.
"Leave me alone," I told him flatly.
"That's really what you want?" he asked me as he continued to rub my back.
I broke our embrace and looked him in the eye. It took all of my willpower to nod.
"Yes," I lied.
What I really wanted was for him to hold me more tightly, to show me more love, to kiss me so hard, that I would forget about all of this. I wanted to feel his body against mine again. It had been months since I last made love to him... and it hurt to imagine that I couldn't love him like that anymore.
"No it isn't," he responded.
"Oh... so you know better than me?" I asked.
"I know you better than you know yourself," he pointed out.
"I don't want you here," I said, my heart aching. "Please leave."
He took my hands in his and then kissed both of them.
"What are you doing?" I snapped, and was about to tell him to leave me alone again, but he had brushed his lips against mine, catching me by surprise.
"Giving you what you want from inside," he responded just after he removed his lips, and then lay me down on the bed.
My heart was racing... this wasn't right... but I wanted it, I wanted it more than anything.
"We're getting divorced," I whispered to him, my heart hurting.
"I know what you want, you want one last time with me... I know you so well," he said to me.
"How?" I asked him, choking on my own words.
"It's kind of ironic, don't you think... that I know you inside out, and you hardly know me, even after all of these years?" he whispered, sounding hurt.
Chapter 12
I didn't know how to respond to that - what did he mean? Of course I knew my Randhir.
He didn't give me a chance to respond though, since he had stroked my cheek with his fingers and pressed his lips against mine, causing me to nearly gasp.
"Shh," he whispered against my lips, "Someone will wake up."
Oh yeah - my parent's were in their room across the hall. I didn't want them to know Randhir was here. They liked Randhir a lot, but him coming into my room at such an odd hour was sure to disturb them.
I pressed my lips further against his, deepening our kiss. I sucked on his bottom lip, sliding my tongue on the skin just below it. He loved it when I did that... and sure enough, he groaned against my mouth.
It had been so long... how had it been so long? How had we not been this close for so much time, despite living in the same apartment?
His hands slid up the side of my night dress, as he continued to love my lips.
"Is this the last time?" I asked him sadly as soon as he broke the kiss, so that we could breathe.
He looked into my eyes and kissed my forehead with so much love - how could any of this be fake?
"Yeah," he responded to me, and I felt tears escape from my eyes.
"And... and what about her?" I asked him, as he placed a light kiss on my lips.
"What about her?" he asked me.
"You... you have been close with her I guess," I said, feeling it kill me from within.
"Yeah...yeah I have," he replied.
He lay down on the bed beside me and I pulled my body on top of his.
"You know... if you tell me, even now, that you want to be with me... I won't... I won't mind, I'll forget all of this," I told him hoarsely. "I won't be upset with you."
Maybe I was still hoping.
He stroked my hair lovingly and my heart was racing. My marriage was falling apart. I was getting a divorce... but I was still in my husband's arms.
"I know you won't be upset with me," he whispered. "You're beautiful."
"Randhir..." I said, my voice cracking. "Do we... do we have to have a divorce?"
"Yeah," Randhir responded and I held on to him more tightly. "How else is this going to work?"
"I - I'll share you," I told him, my eyes filling up with tears.
Then he pushed me off him and looked at me with sadness.
"Sanyukta... I didn't know our love made you this weak," he said.
It was painful. It was very painful. Randhir said that our love made me weak, when I had always only been proud of our love.
"Randhir... please... I don't know how I'll live," I said to him, my voice cracking. "I need... I need to be with you."
He touched my jawline softly, causing me to tremble.
"Look at you," he said, sounding pained, "I've been hurting you intentionally and unintentionally, I've been saying all of these things that should make you run away from me, but here you're weakening yourself to this extent?"
"I love you," I told him, my heart aching. "You may be my greatest weakness, but you're also my greatest strength. I promised, when I married you, that I would accept all your flaws... any mistake you make, would be equivalent to my mistake. I would hold your hand through all of this. I didn't marry you to run away and leave you."
"You aren't leaving me," Randhir corrected. "I'm leaving you... and I'm leaving you now."
He got up from the bed and my heart pounded in my chest, as I reached out to grab his hand from behind.
"P - please don't," I murmured, trying to breathe steadily. "Please don't leave me."
He turned around and sat back down on the bed. I cupped his face in my hands and kissed his forehead, his nose, his cheeks, then touched his lips with mine.
I pushed Randhir backwards so that he would be lying down, before I started to make love to him. Randhir looked at me like he was in a trance... like he didn't know what to do, so he didn't stop me either.
Soon enough, even he responded to my kisses, my soft touches, my love... soon, he loved me too.
When I united with him this time, it was painful, because I knew it was the last time I would be making love to him... but sure enough, it was as beautiful as ever.
Chapter 13
In the morning, Randhir was putting his clothes on... I wouldn't have even known if I hadn't been sleeping lightly. He was not going to wake me up - his plan was just to disappear.
"Randhir," I breathed out, tears filling my eyes as I stood up and hugged him from behind. "Please don't leave."
My naked body was holding on to him. He had pants on, but not a shirt. Randhir turned around and hugged me tightly. My head was on his chest.
"I have to go," he whispered into my hair.
"P - please," I begged, choking, "I can't... I - I don't know, Randhir p - please how will I live?"
He stroked my hair as my tears fell on his chest.
"You have to learn to live again," he murmured to me. "You were living before you met me too."
I sobbed.
"I was a corpse before I met you... I did everything that was expected of me. I went to school, then I went to college... I followed what society expected of me, then I met you - you taught me to go beyond that. You taught me what it really means to live," I told him. "Randhir... p - please... you can't leave me."
He slowly untangled my body from his and placed a soft kiss on my lips. I wrapped my arms around his neck, wanting to deepen the kiss, but he stopped me.
Instead he placed a quick kiss on my cheek as he continued to stroke my hair.
"Bye Sanyukta," he said, letting go of me and pulling his shirt over his head.
"R - Randhir, don't... p - please," I begged, fresh tears falling from my eyes.
Randhir leaned towards me and placed a small kiss on my breast.
"You're beautiful," he murmured. "Remember that."
Then he turned around and started to head out.
"Mom and - mom and dad will see," I told him.
"It's four, they won't be awake," he told me softly.
"R - Randhir, don't leave me," I tried once again, but he opened the door.
"I hope you understand that this is right for you," he said sadly, then he stepped outside.
"Randhir... you told me I need to learn to live again," I whispered to myself once he had left. "But you didn't think that maybe we could learn to love again?"
Then I closed my door and lay down on my bed, as I inhaled Randhir's scent which was still on my sheets. I hugged my pillow tightly, imagining that I was hugging Randhir.
But the pillow was not Randhir.
I cried. I cried and cried, but I didn't cry enough. I couldn't stop crying. I loved him so much. I single-pointedly wanted Randhir. How could the universe be so cruel to me? How could it snatch the one thing I loved the most away from me? How?
"Please come back Randhir," I whispered into my pillow. "Please... your Sanyukta will die without you."
Kumkum Bhagya
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