#4 Ashlok Dark FF - My Ransacked Heart/ UPDATED/ Chapter 55/ (Pg-147) - Page 87

Poison Of Love

you are too young
to hear such things
yet they spew from my mouth
as i spit poisoned blood
snatched from my lungs and ripped from others' throats

i reek of acid
it breaks me to know it tears through you
slicing deeper than the silver blade i use
to carve myself to a shape i think might be better
though you would never admit the pain
at least, not to me

i say you should abandon me
you say i have no right to claim order or jade
and i'm not
i just know the truthful why
are you blind or do you refuse to see?

i am the nightmare
the fear that flares in the back of minds
the shadow haunting every eye
when it retreats to safety from the misery and torture of the world

i am
the pain that blinds
the blood that chokes
and
the breath that was never exhaled

i need you to understand
to see the horror i embody
so you know to run
so i can't hurt you
so i can't hurt me

clawing at shards of shattered knives
i desperately try to force your sight

yet i cannot keep pushing all this at you
all of me as myself
this f*****g monster
i know i am

~ We make our own monsters ~ then fear them for what they show us about ourselves ~

We human beings are a race that had been running in the pursuit of happiness from day one without thought about the consequences that it's pursuit would bring. In our quest for happiness we destroy others happiness and in reality we are only buying destruction for our sorry lives. We humans are a bizarre race that would reject the happiness even if it would come and bit on our asses. Afraid to grab it, thinking that it would only bring us pain...

We are really crazy cause we avoid it and run after something that isn't even happiness and would certainly bring us pain. Afraid of pain, but only chasing after more pain. What crazy logic is that? But it seems to be our logic, the self-destruction logic of human race...

We don't accept love because we are afraid of the pain that it would bring us and the rejection that would hurt or ego. Only if we eliminate those two things from our lives pain and ego, then and only then we can be truly happy and able to accept happiness in our lives...

Shlok Agnihotri was that man, once bitten twice shy, afraid of pain but keeping himself in pain, by rejecting love and happiness that was dangling just infront of him...

"What did you say", his throat was suddenly dry like a sahara desert. The woman sitting on the edge of bed seemed to be unfazed, by his shocked expressions. How could she act so calm after dropping down the bombshell at his mind, when he was feeling as if someone had wrapped two hands around his windpipe and was squeezing it, mercilessly, crushing it brutally, just as once his heart had been. Trampled, crushed and buried in a stone cold crypt of his life's dreams and wishes.

"I said I am pregnant", acting calm and calculated was a skill that she had only grasped nowadays. Inside she was a quivering nerve of bundles, a total wreck and more so when the man standing in the doorway had gone as pale as a sheet and a total loss at words. Only a muscle ticking at the corner of his mouth showed his internal struggle at keeping himself calm and composed, while inside it was total chaos...

"That can't happen, no way, you are joking right", he stared at her with disbelief etched over his harsh features. "No, I am not why would I joke about something as serious as that", nervously she crossed her legs that were dangling from the edge of the bed.

"But...I...don't", he raised a trembling hand and raked at his hair. Blood was thundering along his veins, pounding at his temples. "If you are looking for finger pointing, then don't you dare raise a finger at me Shlok Agnihotri, because it takes two to tango and a baby can't be made without a man", she stared boldly back at him.

"No, I am not going...", he swallowed convulsively. "What are you not going to Shlok Agnihotri, not going to accept the baby, or not going to accept that it's yours", she had gotten up on her feet and was now coming straight towards him on jelly legs. "Don't...", he had started backing away, his breath harsh in his throat, his gaze flitting between her belly and face, still shocked and feeling out of his wits for the first time.

"Don't you dare ask me to abort it because I am not going to in a millions time", ignoring him she kept moving towards him. For the first time he felt like a cornered animal, beaten into mush, a coward infront of that porcelain like china doll...

"What are you afraid of tell me, damn you", she was opening the casket, releasing each of his demons one by one. For the first time in life he was truly afraid that his demons will not be buried again when they'll come out in the open. "I am not afraid, why would I be", his voice was trembling as he moved and suddenly stopped as his shoulder hit the corridor wall.

When did she had him leading away from the room that he was now standing in the corridor with Astha infront of him, a questioning look in her eyes and the corridor wall at his back. He was truly trapped...

"What are you afraid of tell me, damn you Shlok Agnihotri", suddenly she lost the temper as the man infront of him refused to answer when she was feeling as if she was dying from inside. He just stood there with his lips compressed in a thin pale line.

"Must I cut my chest and take out my heart to show you that I love you and want to be beside you", she shouted, hitting him on his chest. He winced as her hand hit his wound but did nothing to detain her. Maybe this way was better, her taking out her anger, frustration at him. The poison which he had leaked inside her veins...

"Why do you still want to remain in pain", she hit him again as if she could understand in that moment that what his heart was going through. His fists curled at his sides at the thought. The pain should be returned tenfold. But it was quite ironic to him that he should clearly feel every beat of her heart writhing in pain for him, when he had made himself quite numb to his own pain...

He had made himself oblivious to others pain, that's why he was able to hurt them, but why now her pain was tearing him apart, and it was a gut wrenching pain that he was afraid would never stop...

What a laugh that she should feel pain not for her ownself, but for a loser like him. The dumb, arrogant , snotty, rich bitch, daddy's girl that he had thought her once but which his heart has always denied was never there. Not in her eyes, neither in her heart. His nails dug deeply inside his palms.

"Why, tell me why Shlok Agnihotri", tears were now falling heedlessly from her eyes.

"Can't I do something for you, Am I not able to, tell me please", she grabbed at his collar shaking him hard. "For God's sake just kill me, if it will give you satisfaction, just kill me", she slammed both of her tiny palms on his shoulders. "Stop it, you'll only hurt yourself", at last his raspy voice broke out from the deep cavern of his chest. "No I won't stop", she screamed right back. "Why should I damn you?", she hit his chest again.

"It won't serve any purpose, you can't take it away", he answered quietly. She knew what did he meant. He was telling her that he was so much hurt and hollow from inside that she wouldn't be able to take his pain away, not in this lifetime, not ever as his tired eyes were telling her...

"Hurt, you can soothe, but when the hurt becomes you, it cannot be taken away", his voice was hollow, empty devoid of any emotion. Astha halted in her tracks, her hands still spread over his chest, over his beating heart. He was human after all, a flesh and blood man, however much he denied it.

"Some people are born cursed in this world princess, even if I was born human, there is nothing inside me that you can call human", he tilted his head, looking at her through sardonic eyes, that seemed to bore through her, looking deep inside her soul...

For a moment time stood still as he stared back at her quietly, letting her see behind the mask, the hell which existed, the hell in which he had survived all along. In one glance he laid bare what was inside his heart, pain, loss, anger, hurt everything. Love seemed to be lost among those monsters. They say eyes are the windows of a soul. And that was what his eyes were reflecting , screaming their message at her

Run while you can, survive while there is still a chance or don't ever say that I didn't warn you.

"I don't want to damn you", Astha moaned and his features contorted with agony at her answer how the hell she knew what he was thinking.

He could read her thoughts as much clearly as she could, Astha thought. Didn't he see it as a sign that they were truly soulmate, one soul two bodies. He was blind or acting out to be blind, she couldn't decipher just that.

"I love you Swati", he was shouting those words at his wife, screaming them at her. Love, a four letter word that had no good memory attached with it. Once he used to say this word to those people, who just used him, sucking every love out of him and then left him an empty shell, then he said it to his first love and she contorted that word, making the worst joke out of his life. After that he said them to Swati, his wife, which he thought was his one and true love and it only bought him hate and betrayal.

Lastly he had said those words to his son and it had totally broke him when he had altogether left the world. Hate was good for him, he thought closing his eyes, his hatred was good for people around him. At least it kept them alive. Astha should hate him too, whatever twisted logic that was it seemed to always work in his life.

He was one of those people who were cursed to hate and being hated by people all around them. Hate was his nourishment, pain was his life and cruelty was his weapon of defense. He wasn't human as she thought him to be. He was a monster through and through. Such was his fate, his destiny...

He must do what he was always destined to do. Frost was beginning to spread inside his body, enclosing his heart in its icy tentacles...

"Tuh, tuh princess look at you begging for my love, such a touching scene", he taunted, caressing her tears away with one mocking finger. "I should capture it what do you say", he flicked at her cheek. A weak smile twisted the corners of her mouth.

"Ever the outstanding actor Shlok Agnihotri", she taunted back. "Say something which you haven't said until now", she was quickly regaining her spirit. "How about get out of my life", he lifted one sardonic eyebrow. "You already said that, or have you forgotten your words which you said when you took a bullet for me", she said with saccharine sweetness.

She still remembered them, and he had thought she must have forgotten them, cold sweat broke out over his forehead at the thought of him whispering other nonsense while flitting between conscious and unconscious. "Oh it seemed that you have forgotten them, so let me remind you that...", she broke off as he put a hand over her mouth shutting out the torrent of words effectively.

"Whatever I said then was in the heat of the moment and how could you believe me so easily princess", he said coldly. "What do you mean", slapping his hand away she narrowed his eyes. "It means princess, that I said those words to you because I wanted you to save me, simple", spreading his hands in a matter of fact way.

Astha felt uneasy as the dangerous glint in his eyes seemed to be growing in momentum. "Wanted to save me... what... I don't understand", her expressions were beginning to show conflict. "It's really simple princess if you put your tiny mind on it", smiling that cold smile of his he tapped a finger on her forehead.

"Stop it, I don't believe a single word that you are saying", she whispered to his cold countenance but he still continued dropping bombshells in that emotionless voice of his," I knew that you loved me and would do anything to save me, so I just used that emotional heart of yours, I knew you won't leave me when I would tell you to get out, I always knew princess", he smiled darkly.

For a moment Astha almost believed his cruel words as she stared into his dark eyes, but there was still a lingering doubt in her heart that he was doing this to push her away. It was almost sad that he didn't even have any respect or love for his own life. Making a mockery of his own sacrifice. No one put his or her own life on a threshold or at risk to save another human being, if they don't have a single human emotion inside their heart. He was more human then he believed himself to be, more able to love another then he ever believed himself to be capable off.

Shlok could almost feel her mind ticking inorder to make sense out of his words. It was better if she believed him and left. No innocent child of his deserves to be contaminated by his touch. He only destroyed whatever he touched. Just as he had destroyed the pureness and innocence of that woman standing infront of him. How should he believe that she loved him? The man inside him could no longer judge between real and fake emotion. He was too much afraid and too much destroyed for that.

"You won't stop will you, that revenge of yours", she shook her head sadly.

"Never princess", his voice sounded hollow and fake even to his ownself. "What it would take to make you believe in my love, my death", she asked desperately. His pupils dilated with pain. He could almost see her lying on the ground in his mind's eye, lifeless, broken like a china doll.

"I told you princess nothing, you don't have to nobly sacrifice yourself for me, because it won't move me a single iota", he snapped. "I don't think so, my death will certainly move you", she smiled sadly as she noticed him cringing over her words. She would have gone by now if she had a choice. But her heart had never given her a choice to choose. She loved him not because she can't love another but because her heart had no choice but to love him and only him...

There was no one before him, and no one would come after him. Such was written in her fate, such was her destiny and such was her love for him. Powerful, all consuming, destroying and a loving poison in her veins...

Her love was not fairytale sweet neither it was made for normal human beings. For a thousand times in her life she could never think about another human being on the earth ever having to meet the same fate or ever having to feel the same love just like her love...

The love of monsters...

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