NB7 Article: 'A little bit of Bigg Boss, some Splitsvilla...

FIRSTPOST review - Nach Baliye 7: A little bit of Bigg Boss, some Splitsvilla and Chetan Bhagat is Judge Dread

If I was allowed to get away with writing a one-line review of Nach Baliye 7, it would be - "Chetan Bhagat is now one of the three celebrity judges of Nach Baliye 7". But since I have had to suffer through over two hours of watching the first episode of the new season, there's no way that either I or you, dear reader, can get away that easily.

This is the seventh season of Nach Baliye, the show where "star" couples come and shake a leg. As usual, I am using the word "star" very loosely.

Every season, I marvel at the increasingly obscure couples that the show's producers seem to fish out of the nether depths of Bollywood and TV-dom. This year, there's a line-up of couples out of whom I recognised the following:

- Payal Rohatgi (claim to fame being that she wore a swimming costume on Bigg Boss and is Rahul Mahajan's ex) and her husband Sangram Singh, the wrestler.

- Bigg Boss contestants Karishma Tanna and Upen Patel.

- Rani Mukerji and Shah Rukh Khan's daughter from Kuch Kuch Hota Hai, Sana Saeed and her unknown husband (or is it boyfriend?).

- The actor from the television show, Meri Aashiqui Tumse Hi, and his very attractive fiance.

And that's it. I wouldn't know any of the other contestants if they ran me over with a bus. But they'll all dance, be eliminated and so on.

The twist in the tale this year is that the female and male contestants will be locked into two separate houses, and will also have to do tasks every week. So basically, the show is a deadly boring mix of Khatron Ke Khiladi meets Splitsvillameets Bigg Boss meets Nach Baliye. It's all so thrilling, I can hardly concentrate on keying in this article.

But for all these format changes, this time it isn't as much about the contestants as it is about the judges. Or one judge in particular, the one who made the entire 2.5 hours of the first episode worth watching.

Chetan Bhagat, India's answer to Dan Brown, is Judge Dread on Nach Baliye 7. Not so much because he's scary - which for some reason he's trying to be - but because it's scary that he's on the show. Why is an author judging a dance show? The other judges have more than a passing connection to dancing. Preity Zinta - looking stunning by the way - is an actress and has danced in practically every film in which she's acted. She's replacing Shilpa Shetty this season. Choreographer Terrence Lewis has been replaced by another choreographer, Marzi Patsonji. And Sajid Khan has been replaced by his literary counterpart - Chetan Bhagat. At least that appears to be the governing logic.

While Zinta and Pestonji play the roles of encouraging judges to the hilt, the producers - Balaji Telefilms (also the ones co-producing a film based on Bhagat's latest novel, Half-Girlfriend) - have decided to make Bhagat play a mix of Simon Cowell and Dr Phil. Now, Cowell is one of the most successful music producers in America, so when he's snarling at a contestant in a singing contest, it's tolerable. Dr Phil has the blessings of Oprah Winfrey, and so we hear him out (and then proceed to make fun of him or file lawsuits).

For what reason is India supposed to take author and former banker Chetan Bhagat seriously as an authority on dance? The man's an IIT and IIM alumnus, for crying out loud. Have you seen what passes for dancing on those campuses?

Possibly because Bhagat remembers his own past - his present dance skills are so far unknown - the author has made it clear that he's not on Nach Baliye to judge the contestants' dancing, but to see what kind of people they are. So every time a couple finishes their routine, Bhagat looks unmoved by their dancing and launches into a random, moral diatribe on the status of the couple's relationship.

Bhagat lectured one couple on how shameful it is that they are appearing on the show together, but haven't bothered to inform their parents of their relationship. This of course was followed by an AV of the male contestant's parents talking about how they'll give the couple their blessings if their kundlis match. Not only was this a highly regressive view to show on national TV, but also revealed that the couple's declaration that their parents were unaware of their romance and Bhagat's outrage was entirely staged.

He gave another speech on how just because you're living with someone or are engaged, it doesn't qualify as love. That happens when you go through the stress of getting your kids into school and buying groceries. Take that, all ye writers and poets who have waxed eloquently on the undefinable wonder of love.

This is the kind of drivel that even Bhagat looked vaguely ashamed to be spouting. It's not funny, it's not amusing, it's not enlightening, and it's got nothing to do with dancing. Nach Baliye is bad enough without throwing moralising into the mix.

What I do have to commend Bhagat for is that he is a true marketing genius. Like Anushka Sharma and Ayushmann Khurrana and Ranveer Singh, Bhagat too has managed to land himself a multiple deal with a production house. While the actors act in multiple films, Bhagat has got himself a job as a judge on a Balaji show as well as become a co-producer on a Balaji film.

To top that, if there were any people who hadn't heard of Bhagat till now - which I find very difficult to believe - even they will be enlightened when they tune into the show. The entire audience of Nach Baliye now know who Chetan Bhagat is, and will go and buy his books. This is the slow and sure Bhagatification Of India, which Nostradamus had predicted.

All that he now needs to do is either participate as a contestant or become the host of the next season of Bigg Boss. And the Gospel Of Bhagat will reach the whole of India.

If there's any reason to watch this season of Nach Baliye, it is to see Chetan Bhagat in his new avatar of judge, jury and love guru - all rolled into one. And to see whether the rumour is true that the punishment for getting a dance move wrong is that the erring contestant has to read Half-Girlfriend multiple times.

Disclaimer: Nach Baliye airs on Star TV. Firstpost is a part of Network18 which also owns TV channels that may be in competition with Star TV.