Chapter 6
I was reading my examination schedule, just a fortnight was left before they would commence and I realized that soon I would be going to complete my graduation, it still sounded unbelievable and that too all because of him. Appearing for the exams meant going back to the college, a place where my story ended. It wouldn't be easy for me to revisit that place and I didn't know whether I had the courage to face my past. When I had come down to attend tanu's wedding that time I still had a few days in hand and had thought that during those days I would mentally prepare myself to go back but then as soon as I came here my whole life took a new turn not leaving a possibility to take a u turn. A part of me was relieved to know that now I wouldn't have to battle demons of my past. So even the thought of studying again didn't ever cross my mind but it did cross his. I still wondered, why? While the other part of me that loved to read and study was ecstatic the evening he came up with the papers, I didn't know then how to react? At that point of time I couldn't even thank him properly, I was absolutely speechless then. What he had done for me was totally unexpectable and unimaginable, just the fact that he thought about me brought a smile on my lips. Everyone knew that behind that hard cold exterior resided a soft caring heart, no wonder people of this place loved him so much but one day I would get to witness the softer concerned side of him, I had never thought.
For a long time I focused only on my books and pushed aside the thought that ultimately I would have to return to where it had all ended. Just the reminder of going back was enough to give me goose bumps, I shut my eyes as images of my past came back to haunt me. I began breathing heavily and held the book in my hand tightly as I saw myself as a loner trapped in the clutches of the past. I wished someone could pull me out, I raised my hand for help in the dark and squeezed my eyes to block those images. Just then the door opened slowly making a creepy noise which made me open my eyes. I glanced at the entrance and saw his blurred figure come in carefully, attempting not to disturb me while studying. I pushed back my anxiety, got up from the recliner and began collecting my books.
He sat on the bed looking at me and asked," are you done?" I nodded a yes, I had decided to call it a day and would get up early in the morning to start again," I'll study in the wee hours of the morning." He shook his head and lay in bed, it felt different seeing him care, some what nice" should I get you something to eat?" He lifted his hand to stop me and said," don't bother. I ate before returning home."
I sighed deeply and went to the kitchen, I wasn't hungry anymore so just had a glass of water and came back. I glanced at the wall clock, it was way past midnight and my eyes were getting really heavy. I collapsed on the recliner as my mind oscillated between my past and my present.
Few hours later I heard something ring very sharply, I lifted the cushion and kept it on my ear to block the sound but it didn't stop. Irritated, I squinted my eyes and tried to make out from where that shrilling sound was coming. I got up and looked around, his cell phone was ringing, he always keeps it on vibration mode before sleeping then why was it making so much of noise today? Still in my sleep I went close to his bed and called him out," suniye...suniye...your phone is ringing." Few seconds later his hand crawled out of the comforter and without opening his eyes pressed a button of his cell phone, it stopped ringing, thankfully.
I turned around to go back when he said in a heavy tone," it's morning. Get back to your books" And after saying so he pulled up his comforter. I couldn't believe he had set an alarm to wake me up! I glanced at his bedside clock, it was 4 in the morning, I had slept just three hours back and had thought would wake up around 5.30 but thanks to him I was already up. I rubbed my drowsy eyes and gazed at his sleeping form, for the first time I was really upset with him. I knew he had started to care for me which I really appreciated but if he continued to be so caring then his concern would end up giving me dark circles. Stomping my feet angrily I went to the bathroom to get ready.
I had finished a major chunk of my course and was contently sipping my hot cup of coffee when I noticed a minor storm hit the room, sitting near the poolside I craned my neck to look inside the room and figure out what was actually happening. The room was in a total mess with the comforter lying on the floor, morning newspaper thrown near the cupboard and all the cushions scattered on the recliner. He was pacing up and down the room searching for something , I stepped in and asked," are you looking out for something?" he shot me an irritating look and grumbled ," I'm running late and I can't find my damn watch"
I picked up his pillows and found it lying there as usual, he had the habit of leaving his things here and there. Everyday while making the bed I would collect his belongings and keep them on the table while he took bath. Today I was so engrossed with my books that making his bed slipped out of my mind. I glanced at him, his back was facing me, he was rustling through his cupboard, I went near him and said," here."
He narrowed his eyes and pulled the watch from my hand before saying," how many times have I told you not to fiddle with my things? Every morning I find them on the table."
It surprised me to see what he was thinking, today he couldn't find his watch on the table not because he had left it carelessly last night but because according to him I had happen to touch it. He was still wearing his watch when I informed him calmly after crossing my arms before my chest ," just for your information I'm the one who everyday collects your things and keeps them on the table ."
He was slightly taken aback. It was difficult for him to acknowledge that I kept his scattered things in order. He lowered his gaze and began folding his sleeves to his elbows, I turned around to leave and get his breakfast when I heard him ask firmly," then today why didn't I find my watch on the table ?"
I stopped in my tracks and looked at him," because I forgot." He nodded his head while I shook mine in disbelief on seeing him ignore his mistake all together and put the entire blame on my shoulders . So in the whole incident as per him I was at fault and not him. I shook my head once again and left the room thinking how cold he admit so easily that he was wrong? Men will be men and especially Mr. Abhishekh Mehra, he will never ever bend!
But hey wait a minute, did it mean that now I was allowed to touch his things?
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Lying on my abdomen with my legs swaying to and fro I was going through previous years question papers. I ticked the questions of whose answers I had finished learning. Making a mental note that still a few important topics were left for which I needed to research, just then I heard him from behind," this isn't the correct position to study. Your eyesight might get affected."
I immediately sat up in fact stood up adjusting my suit. He would come early I had not expected. He went inside and began taking off his shoes and socks. I asked him hesitantly for black coffee, he shook his head and replied," I had sometime back."
I bit the inside of my cheek in shame and thought, khushi, what kind of a wife were you? he had been home for so long and you didn't even know, forget offering him tea/ water. I knew I wasn't allowed to behave like a normal wife taking care of basic needs of her husband but still I felt bad for neglecting him because of my studies, I lowered my head and went to the kitchen to have a glass of water for my dry throat. I saw a packet of roasted grams on the kitchen counter and took a handful of them. I was going back when daadi ji stopped me and handed me glass of milk. I smiled and looked at her. Ever since she came to know that I would be appearing for exams she had been feeding me non stop with healthy fruits and vegetables just like my maa.
Taking the glass I went back to the balcony hoping that he would not be there but he was. I extended my hand and offered him the grams, he shook his head and didn't have, I kicked myself mentally, how could he share something with me? I moved my hand back when he twisted his lips in a smile and said," you have. You really need to eat all this. " And walked off leaving me confused, was he making fun of me by suggesting that I needed to have such things to improve my memory because I had forgotten to take his things out today and later didn't even bother to check whether he was home or not? Or my mind was just overworking? Leave it, I thought taking a deep breath. I had another popped in some more grams and went back to my books.
Later in the evening while revising the rise and fall of the Mauryan dynasty I smiled and thought, everyone in the family was contributing in his or her own way toward my studies, bulbul, whenever free didn't leave any opportunity to make notes for me. Even purab was no less, poor guy completed all the formalities required for my late admission, then went all around to arrange old history books for me. I peered up and looked at the extra lamps that had been put up near the poolside. It was his idea, he knew I studied late at night so got them fixed for me and when I had asked him about it, he hadn't said anything, simply walked off silently.
The thought of giving it all up had crossed my mind several times but seeing them put in so much of effort made me change my mind every time, I couldn't let them down, couldn't let myself down, I had to face my past, fight it for my sake.
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I held the calendar and crossed one more date, one more day gone and now my examinations were just round the corner, with each passing day the jitters, the nervousness increased. I kept the calendar back on the table and glanced at the watch, it was close to midnight. Dinner had gotten over long time back still he hadn't come up, shaking my head I began brushing through the last chapter of the book.
A while later he came in holding his head and sat on the bed pressing his temples with his right hand thumb and fingers. I looked at him carefully, if he drank a lot then the next morning he would have a headache but tonight he didn't appear to be drunk, then what was wrong with him? I asked him softly," suniye is your head hurting?" he nodded a yes and replied," since evening I'm having a splitting headache." He opened his bed side drawer and began rustling through it, frustrated on not being able to find what he was looking for, he pushed back the drawer loudly and said," these bloody aspirins also had to get over today."
I stood up and opened my cupboard to take out my balm bottle, maa often used to massage my forehead with it after I spent a long and tiring day with my books. I walked up to his bed and said," this balm will help in reducing your headache." I paused for a moment and then asked," should I apply it on your forehead?" He moved his hand in the air, dismissing my offer to massage his forehead with the balm. I kept the balm bottle and left.
After keeping my books on the table, I spread the comforter on the recliner and was about to get in when I heard him ask from behind," how does one use this?" I smiled inwardly, he was such a stubborn child.
I went back to him and took the bottle from his hands, I kept standing near his bed side for sometime then my eyes travelled from his bed to his face, following my gaze he shifted a bit to give me space to sit. I sat next to him and smeared some balm on his forehead and began rubbing it gently, he closed his eyes to relax. After a minute I laid my fingers over his forehead and drew the fingers down along his brow line to each of his temples making small circles over them. I repeated my action several times when all of a sudden he opened his eyes and stared back at me. My fingers shivered as his eyes were fixed on my face, I lowered my eyes and gulped the lump formed in my throat then began stroking my fingers on his forehead once again. I could still feel those hooded eyes staring me, I lowered my head further as a result some tendrils of my hair went loose and fell on my face covering it partially and saving me from his sharp gaze. I began breathing normally once again but it wasn't long as I felt his fingers move through my hair pushing them back making my face now slowly change colors and making them visible to his eyes. He stroked the edge of my hairline, from my temple, around the delicate shell of my ear to the nape of my neck. I took a sharp intake of breath that sounded loud in the silent room and closed my eyes as his finger tips stayed on my face longer than required. I could feel color rise to my cheeks and bit my lower lip hard as he tucked the hair behind my ear. His fingers brushed my jaw line and my slightly parted lips while coming down. The sensation of his fingers moving was exotic, sensual, not just physically arousing but also emotionally moving. My heart pounded loudly inside my chest.
After what seemed eons I opened my eyes slowly and looked back at him, eyes that used to be full of anger and contempt had now softened toward me. They no longer reflected hatred but a different emotion, an emotion that scared me. I rushed to the washroom as I couldn't bring myself to acknowledge what I had seen in those dark intense eyes.
I washed the balm off my hands nervously and slowly lifted my eyes to look myself in the mirror. My whole face had turned into a deep shade of pink, I raised my hand and touched the area with my finger tips where his fingers lay a while back. My skin was burning hot and heart raced rapidly as I recalled his touch that was soft and gentle. A trembling smile spread across my face and I lowered my eyes shyly. I opened my hair and recalled the day when he had pulled down his towel from my hair, that time his action was harsh and insensitive, he wanted to hurt me but tonight he was different, his touch healed me somewhere. I began stroking my fingers through my hair just the way he had done. Sensual awareness welled inside me that gave me immense pleasure and slowly I started breathing normally.
I closed my eyes thinking about him and a face appeared before me. The face was not of his but of my past. My eyes snapped open as reality dawned on me, No, this couldn't happen! I couldn't betray him. "this is wrong..I cannot cheat on him." my mind screamed loudly. his small little touch and I melted like a candle? A candle, burns and melts itself to spread light around, even I could burn and melt myself but one thing which I couldn't do was, lighten his life, I was just not capable of doing so. I raised my hand to wipe off the imprints of his touch on my cheek but something within me stopped me and I HATED that part of myself. Anger and regret rose to my eyes for getting carried away just like that. How could I? How could I forget my past in that fraction of a moment? This was not done, I couldn't even think of moving on with him, all this needed to be stopped right here. I tied back my hair in a bun as the dam of tears broke and streaked on to my cheeks. I covered my mouth with my hand to stifle my loud sobs. Till date I was under this impression that I had no more tears to shed but I was so wrong, tonight his one little gesture burst that water bubble. I wiped off the trail of tears with the back of my hand then reached out to my other cheek and closed my eyes in distress as I could still feel his warm touch on it that reverberated through my body and made me shiver.Enraged with myself I banged my fist hard on the wall, the green glass bangles broke and pricked my wrist. I glanced at the drops of blood, love though beautiful but was far more painful and when it hurt, it hurt really hard. It hurt me then and it was hurting me even now.
I stormed out of the washroom and went to the balcony carrying a book of mine. I sat on the floor resting my back against the wall and opened the book to divert my rebellious heart . I began reading in my mind," the Mauryan empire when it was first founded by..." I couldn't continue further word as tears blinded my vision, pushing them back, I tried reading once again, this time louder," THE MAURYAN EMPIRE ..." I shut the book in frustration as images of my past came flashing back. I drew my knees close to my chest and rested my head on them helplessly.
I cried myself to sleep and when I woke up in the middle of the night I felt something warm around myself. I straightened my posture and opened my puffy eyes to find my comforter wrapped around myself. I pursed my lips and wondered, Why? Why was he scratching my old wounds with his concern? Why was he attempting to kindle those feelings that were dead for me? Why was he trying to add a new chapter to my incomplete story?
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