Chapter 5
Deep down I knew I wasn't being fair to her, blaming her for what she hadn't done. Initially I couldn't even bear to see her face only because she was her sister, forgetting that one intentional act done by her sister had unintentionally ruined not only my life but hers as well. Thant night tanu must not have thought that her sister would get tied to me for life. What pragya did was only to protect the honor of both the families especially mine, but I instead of being grateful to her, would admonish her at every possible step. She tolerated my nuisance for some time silently but when I went overboard she stopped me, stopped me not from punishing her but myself. We both were going through hell, her pain wasn't less than mine, yet she was more worried about me, that night I felt so small in her eyes. Since then she began avoiding me instead of me doing so. Ashamed of my selfish and self centered behavior I couldn't bring myself to face her. Both of us would live in our own world without attempting to intrude in each other's territory, she would do everything possible to avoid a confrontation with me, still her sadness, her suppressed anguish which she would try to ignore by immersing herself in reading and stitching, bothered me because somewhere I held myself responsible for her wretched state.
In the beginning I had thought that by seeing her miserable would give me some sort of satisfaction that I was not the only one who was heartbroken. But it didn't happen that way, her gloomy face didn't bring a smile on my face instead seeing her suffer twisted something inside my heart. My own frustration coupled with the helplessness that I couldn't do anything for her enraged me and her staying calm in spite of all that had happened made me feel jealous of her.
I stretched my back, it still hurt a little even then I lay down not on my abdomen but back, taking a deep breath I closed my eyes and to my surprise the face that I kept avoiding every day, now came before me. That genuine concern for myself on seeing me injured disturbed me. Why did my pain reflect in her eyes that night? All these years I had nursed my wounds on my own without bothering anybody else around but that night why couldn't I stop her from taking care of me? I did try to shun her initially but later on ended up sharing my pain with her. Why did I become emotionally weak in front of her? Frustrated with myself I opened my eyes and gazed at her, she was sleeping on the recliner, without any lines of worry appearing on her forehead. How could she endure so much pain silently? It wasn't that all this didn't affect her, how couldn't it? After all not even in her dreams she must have thought that one day she would end up marrying a gangster and that too in such strange circumstances.
I had many times seen her sitting in the balcony and gazing up at the moon quietly, sometimes even my presence would go unnoticed by her, she would be so lost in her thoughts. But what didn't go unnoticed by me was that even while going through such turmoil she hardly reacted , never had I seen her losing her temper and blaming people, me or circumstances around her, she didn't even cry! I mean women are perceived to be emotionally vulnerable, they cry at the drop of a hat but she hardly possessed those traits. Had she cried so much that her tears had now dried up or the grief was so deep that it failed to make her eyes moist? Not that I wanted to see her sobbing but I strongly felt that just like me, she too needed to vent out her pain otherwise it would kill her.
One more time I thought of closing my eyes but just then the lamp on her side went off and the room fell into darkness, only moonlight made things a little visible. Few minutes later I saw her dark figure getting up and leaving the room. Sighing deeply I finally decided to go off to sleep but how could I? Her glass bangles tinkled in the silent room. Straining my eyes in the dark I found her fidgeting with the lamp, walking behind her I saw her trying to fix the bulb, she was holding the lamp in one hand and the new bulb in the other, her hands were shaking so much making it difficult for her to do anything. I shook my head and said," Move...I'll fix it." My husky and unexpected voice startled her, she turned around hurriedly and tumbled. She was about to fall flat on the floor when I grabbed her from her waist and steadied her. Both her hands dangled in the air. My chest was pressed against hers. Every breath she took, every heave of her chest was mirrored in mine. Even in the dark I could sense her nervous swallow or flutter of her eyes. Her heart pounded loudly inside her chest and I could feel every beat of it. We were that close. A month back I couldn't bear the sight of her, forget touching her. But now holding her in my arms didn't irk me. This closeness didn't perturb me. I don't know why but all of a sudden it felt right.
I was still contemplating on those newborn feelings when she took a hasty back and much to my disappointment created some distance between us. Even then I stepped closer and lifted the corner of her dupatta, she instantly fisted her dupatta. I smiled inwardly reading her mind but didn't leave her dupatta and took the lamp from her to remove the hot fused bulb by holding her dupatta. Grabbing the new bulb from her hand, within seconds I fixed it. On lighting the lamp I found her terrified face staring back at me, beads of sweat had formed on her forehead, I narrowed my eyes in confusion, why was she so scared?
" What's the matter? You look petrified."
She dropped her gaze and lowered her head but didn't reply. I threw my head back and went to the bed, god only knew what she was choosing to hide inside her .
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I was going through a file in the study when purab came in with the required documents, I read them once and nodded my head then left the study in search of her. As expected she was in the bedroom, sitting near the window engrossed in reading some book. My footsteps made her aware of my presence and with her head downcast she unconsciously began adjusting her dupatta. Seeing me stand before her she too stood up and lifted her head slowly. I handed her the documents and said," for a fresh start its important to finish the unfinished." She looked at me in confusion, she couldn't make head or tail of what I was saying to her. She went through the papers hurriedly and with every passing moment her eyes grew wider in shock, she glanced at me and whispered," are you sure?" I nodded my head indicating that she had read right, they were late admission forms of her last semester, I wanted her to complete her graduation, she only had to go and appear for the exams, rest had been taken care of. She enjoyed studying and by doing so she could drown herself into books, forget her past and give her otherwise aimless life some direction and purpose. Her eyes softened a bit and for the first time I saw her lips stretching in a weak smile but the spark that I was expecting to see in her eyes was missing, I didn't know why. She parted her lips to speak but I showed her my palm to stop her," you have only two months left for your exams. So study hard and do well." She still appeared shell shocked I took out my wallet and extended my hand to give her money to buy new books. Her eyes travelled from the money in my hand to my face, then she dropped her gaze, I knew I had acted like a jerk the last time I had offered her money to go shopping thinking that just like her sister she was also a gold digger, probably that was stopping her to take anything from me again. I lifted her hand and placed the money on her open palm," keep it. These are for your books." She nodded her head lightly and I told her to fill the forms and hand them over to purab who would complete the required formalities.
" thank you." I heard her say before I left the room.
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It was good to see the tension in the atmosphere and in our relationship reducing gradually. She immersed herself into books and I too began getting used to the fact that while living under the same roof it would be impossible to avoid each other.
I came back home late, she was sitting on the couch making some notes with books scattered on the table, on seeing me come in she straightened herself and stood up keeping the note pad aside. I went into the washroom to freshen up. When I came out she was there with the dinner tray, she kept mine on the table, picked up her books and turned around to go to the poolside with her dinner plate when I suggested," if you want you can use my study." It would be better if she studied in my study instead of moving out at this hour, it was pretty dark outside. She stopped in her tracks, trying to balance the books in one hand and the plate in the other. She looked over her shoulder and replied," no thanks. That room is so scary. All the time there are talks regarding, dhamkana (threatening), udaana and, tapkaana somebody. I am fine here."
She was right in that room mostly violent talks and discussions took place but what amused me was her choice of words," dhamkana, udaana, tapkana." A smile crept on my lips, she was getting habitual to this new found terminology used by gangsters. She spoke less but whenever she did she was honest and upfront, never scared to express her thoughts in front of anybody including me. Just like her views even her sense of humor had certain bitterness and sarcasm in it.
Finishing my rice plate I extended my hand to have the glass of water kept on the side table when I noticed she had left one of her books there. Picking it up I went out, she was still having food, a slow eater, I guessed. Seeing me she at once tried to get up but I raised my hand gesturing her to finish off her plate. She lowered her head and began digging into the rice hurriedly. I read the title of the book in my hand," prithviraj sanyogita's eternal love saga." Was she into reading love stories? I wondered while handing her the book," what course have you taken up?" I asked.
She took the book and replied softly," history" I nodded my head on hearing about her subject of study.
There was deep silence between us, I took a few steps and deposited my hands in the pockets while gazing out in the dark with my back facing her," love is all nonsense. An illusion .A fantasy. That is confined to books and movies." I said expressing my views on love based on my personal experience, hoping that she too would agree with me, that love stories only existed in books and not in real life. This emotion was nothing more than a figment of our imagination but like always she had a different opinion.
" suniye, prithviraj and sanyogita's love is not a fantasy ." She said softly yet confidently.
I turned around and looked at her closely, agreed that prithviraj sanyogita's was a true love story but true love in today's times was hard to find. I wanted to say but didn't say, instead heard what more she wished to add to her concept of love.
"love is not a dream . It's not an illusion. It's an emotion. That's painful. Yet extremely beautiful. " A wave of delight and a sparkle in her eyes that I wished to see earlier was now there as she spoke about love. Probably her love brought contentment in her eyes while mine still brought only despair.
She picked up the tray to keep it back in the kitchen when all of a sudden I asked her," do you still love him?" I had no idea what prompted me to ask that but I was curious to know. Surprised by my question her head shot up. But then like always she dropped her gaze along with the question that I'd raised and without uttering a word moved past me. I side stepped to block her way. My eyes were intense and probing. Once again she tried to walk away. Grabbing her arm, I stopped her. She was stubborn and twisted her arm to get free. However she didn't know that I could be equally stubborn if not more. Tugging her by her arm I made her look at me.
"Answer me dammit !" I spoke through gritted teeth. Her lips quivered and for the first time I saw her getting teary. I was unable to decipher what her tear filled eyes reflected. Were they hurt or accusing or both?
Blinking back her tears she replied, "Yes. I still love him." Her confession hit me hard. Meeting my piercing gaze she added," And I will always love him. Only him."
Suddenly I had no reason to hold onto her. My grip on her arm loosened and my hand fell on it's own.
I felt sorry for her and ashamed of myself, had I not behaved selfishly that night and married her just to protect my honor she would have been certainly more happy with her special one.
I was sitting on the bed when she returned from the kitchen. My heart felt burdened and guilty on seeing her.
"that night had I not gone ahead with this marriage then..." before I could express my guilt over unnecessarily tying her to myself, she interrupted and confessed, "had this wedding not taken place even then my love story would have remained tragic ." She gave a weak smile and continued," my love story is not that different from yours. Before I could realize, love slipped away from my life just as sand slips from one's hands. "
Very true, our love stories were quite similar, we both loved and lost. Both married for our respective families, both got nothing but pain in love yet our ways of looking at things were so different at some levels whereas at some they were quite similar. She didn't want to get over him because as per her love was a beautiful sentiment on the contrary I was desperate to forget the person I loved but the same emotion "love" was holding me back, forcefully making me still believe in its existence.
The fact that I wasn't responsible for ruining her love and life made me better, just slightly. Still a large part of me was disturbed and rattled. Her confession shouldn't have affected me the way it had. Why did I envy the guy she loved?
Looking at my watch I realized, it had gone very late, I stretched my legs on the bed.
" suniye I need to study. I'll come back in a while." She said while moving toward the French doors .
Without saying anything I pulled up the comforter, as if I was waiting for her to come and sing a lullaby so that I could go off to sleep. I stared at the ceiling fan for quite some time, then after glancing at the empty recliner, I closed my eyes tightly and buried my face in the pillow. Irritated, I looked at the wall clock then shifted my gaze at the open door. I thought of having a drink but then dropped the idea. After exactly forty five minutes she tip toed and came in, bolted the French doors carefully without making much noise, had a glass of water, switched on her lamp then lay on the recliner quietly. I shut my squinting eyes and drifted off to sleep in no time.
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I sat on the bar stool and glanced at my room, the lights were still on, she must be busy studying, I decided to go up late, allowing her as much time as possible to study otherwise on my entering the room she would step out in the poolside and strain her eyes in the dark. I turned my neck and looked at the bar then picked up a bottle of whiskey and a glass. While filling the glass, bulbul came to meet me, with a soft smile playing on her lips, she was hiding something behind her, I lifted my brow questioning her. She brought her hands forward which were carrying a photo frame, I couldn't see the picture as it was facing her, as I lifted the glass to bring it to my lips she slowly turned the frame making it visible to me. My hand stopped in the middle, she had painted our wedding picture! She handed me the frame to have a closer look, I left the glass on the table and held the frame. It felt strange seeing the picture enclosed in a heart shaped frame, I traced my fingers gently over her smiling image. That night she had no reason to grin but bulbul through her painting had made her do so. Unknowingly my lips stretched in a smile too.
"isn't bhabhi lovely?"
Without taking my eyes off the frame I nodded my head and replied in my mind," yes, she is good." The unwanted part of my story looked nice standing next to me.
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Rose
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