So the fairest and most notable awards- Stardust gave Happy New Year the movie of the year award. I am sure its gonna be a great movie.
So the movie begins with what seems like an opening ceremony of either Fifa world cup or Olympics.
But we found out its none of those. Its a freakin dance competition and guess which is the country dancing on the stage
Normal citizens aren't allowed to travel between the states in north korea let alone go abroad. They even have special government people to accompany the athletes who takes part in the worlds biggest event i.e. Olympics. Then too some years they don't participate. But well if Farah Khan invites them then who is the Dictator to say no.
We find out that its Final Round of world dance competition and its Team India's turn to perform. Apparently the team sucked donkey balls and none thought they would reach the finals. F||ck me sideways. The country has a population of 1.2 Billion, is the only country with songs and dance in he films and you are telling me it can't produce couple of decent dancers worthy of taking part in an international event? If this was a some sport like ice hockey then I can understand because no one gives two shits about it. But dance? Seriously? I am sure they will have some good explanation about this. But right now thats not our biggest worry. The thing is Team India is a now show.
We go into flashback which seems like what 6 months ago? Meet the man, your hero, my hero, the worlds hero- Mr. Shah Rukh Khan. I managed to find this recording about how his character was named.
Well so our hero has this desi patriotic name- Charlie. We find out Charlie is some underground boxer. Apparently having 8 pack abs means you can kick anybody's ass. However, Charlie is doing this only out of compulsion. He is a topper of Boston University. But alas, because his father is criminal in India, he can't get job anywhere.
Right so visa to USA wasn't a problem. Getting admission to Boston university wasn't a problem either. It was when the job thing came, his past started haunting him. Totally makes sense.
We move on to a conveniently placed news piece which is broadcasting press conference of worlds best security agency- Shalimar owned by none other than an Indian. The press conference is about Diamonds worth +$300 crore (whatever that means) which is coming from South Africa for an exhibition in Belgium. For some reason the press conference is being held in Dubai. If this wasn't enough, its in Hindi. We learn that the diamonds are being brought to Dubai and will be kept overnight in the worlds most secure safe- Shalimar.
W*F? Seriously W*F?
If this wasn't enough, the security company owner, the diamond owner and all their chief staff is in Dubai. Shouldnt they be in Belgium taking care of exhibition security and the safe where diamonds will actually be kept instead of some transit location. Also there is World Dance Competition on the same day. So this means a big event happening as a distraction. If there was a time not to bring diamonds to this hotel in Dubai it was either civil war or this.
After the scene your genius mind will figure out that SRK is planning to steal the diamonds and will starting making his team.
Member #2. Jag- Sonu Sood. Jag is an explosives man, trust me the robbery has got nothing to do with explosives or even Jag in the first place. Jag is deaf and for our comic relief Farah Khan will make fun of this disability through out the movie.
We learn its not only about Diamonds. Apparently Jackie Shroff- Charan has done wrong with Charlie's family and Jack. So they want to take revenge. And we are introduced to
Member #3- Boman- Tammy. Tammy is a 50yo mamas boy. He can crack any damn safe in the world. A man with such talent is usually hired by top banks, prisons, security agency, etc to make their safe better. But for some reason the guy is unemployed. Even the best con artists with criminal history is hired by government to help them but over here the case is different. Why you may ask? Farah Khan is the only who knows.
In todays HiTech world, no robbery is possible without a hacker. So we are introduced to member #4, India's Justin Beiber- Rohan.
So Rohan is a hacker of that caliber who can hack from NASA website to your kid's Club Penguin's account. But he puts his skills to better use like hacking DJ's playlist in discos. In a matter of 3 mins, Charlie interviews him, explains to him what he needs to hack and he is recruited. Boston University topper guys. Even my McDonalds interview lasted longer than that.
Moving on, SRK now starts revealing the plan bit by bit. The safe Shalimar can only be opened by Charan's son- Vicky. So SRK pulls a trick dhoom 3 who pulled from The prestige and recruits a duplicate of Vicky. We meet our member #5 Abhishek- nandhu
So Nandhu is someone with no skills. His only claim to fame in this case is that he looks like someone important. Finally a role where abhishek plays his real life.
Man we are well 40mins into the movie and it has been a complete sausage fest. Anyways, Charlie takes his team to some Dungeon kind of place hidden behind a cupboard. Maybe his fav movie is Narnia. He has made a mock set up of Shalimar safe in Dubai and begins explaining the plan. The security is pretty shit and can even be designed by my 8 yo cousin. When you think of worlds most advanced security company, lasers and human guards definitely doesn't cut the deal. Basically the security is you have 5 mins to steal the diamonds. If you fail then safe door will lock automatically and oxygen will be released. Why oxygen, why not poisonous gas? To demonstrate security of the safe, Charan locks the owner of Diamond inside the safe and release oxygen. Great way to treat the most important client of your company. Charan finishes his stupid presentation with saying there is no other way to come in and out of the safe.
But there is something which even Charan doesnt know. There is another way to enter the Safe room. There is an AC duct that connects to Room 9C. To make matters simple Charlie even got the key of the opening. How you might ask? Well when they were making the safe room Charlie himself locked the duct. Hold on right there...
The room was built way before Shalimar came into question. They rented atlantis safe room so they could bring the safe and diamonds to Dubai. How in the blue, how in the holy hell, how in the purple sand did Charlie predicted this? Not only he predicted, but he somehow became a illegal worker, dyed his hair blonde and got a job to work in a high confidential area. I mean... W*F. I called up Farah Khan and this is what she had to say
So looks like they just have to get in the room 9C and goes through the AC duct to the vent that opens in Shalimar Safe room. Looks like world's most simple robbery. But no, there is a big problem. Room 9C is already booked by World Dance Championship.
They decide to go Farah way. Apparently people who will represent India will be chosen by an one episode reality show and Indian junta will vote. Rohan will hack the system and make their team win so they represent India in the competition.
Mind you, we are talking about a world competition. Not some local competition that you have in college festival. Even Miss India is selected by a panel of professional judges.
If you think for a minute that their plan is now properly in place you are wrong. There is some preliminary round where judges will select the people who will take part in the reality show. In short they will short list the candidates. I don't know why this was shocking to everybody. There are millions of dance troops in India. Did charlie think the reality show will be a walk in? So they now decide they will hire a dance teacher to learn and impress judges to get shortlisted. Yes right. Some people are dancing for their whole life and you can out do them in matter of weeks.
Now they need a dance teacher. So I guess the best place to look is the biggest dance academy in town. No, they decide to get a bar dancer to teach them. Enters member #6 Deepika- Mohini.
They finally learn some dancing and shit and go to take part in the preliminary round. Preliminary round is judged by none other than a Music Director and a Movie Producer. None of who have any experience or knowledge in dancing.
But Charlie got another trick up his sleeve. He gets Rohan to hack some CCTV footage of judges having hot steamy fag sex and blackmails them.
They get the green signal and enter the reality show being judged by Indian Junta. Dressed as jokers, they begin performing the most shittest act ever seen on TV. I mean its was like they are trying to be bad. But Rohan has rigged the votes and they win. Whole of India is pissed.
Even the idiot of idiots will figure out that something is fishy here. The way they are making WDC a big deal, the whole media should get on the case and try to crack the conspiracy. From how they passed the preliminary round to winning should be investigated. But as this isn't your local school play but a dance face off between countries, India just accepts their fate and send these losers to Dubai to take part in the competition.
Team India reach Dubai and even Indians disparage them. Not in a subtle way but throwing leftovers and drinks on them.
We have some party and banter between Charan and Charlie which has got nothing to do with the plot. They basically wanted to show Mohini in some navel revealing hot dress. They now start getting serious about the robbery and begin to reveal the plan to us clueless viewers.
Step 1- Diamonds will come to Dubai to be kept on safe.
Step 2- Team India will be performing #3 in the round. So they will have 5 other countries after them. This means they will have ample of time to steal diamonds.
Step 3- Charlie and Tammy will get into duct and approach towards safe room.
Step 4- Kidnap Vicky, get his finger prints and put it on Nandhu. Send Nandhu to access the safe room.
Step 5- Nandhu will open the vent letting Charlie and Tammy come in and then leave.
So Nandhu just have to do this small shit? Man why do they even need him? I mean why couldn't they take some burning stuff where they could melt the steal and get in. Why complicate the thing so much? They have talent to crack open the safe which is highly secured but can't think of a better way to open a stupid vent?
Step 6- Rohan will hack the laser and tammy will open the safe thus stealing the diamond.
Step 7- The escape. Its a mystery.
Step 8- Team India will be eliminated. According to rules of the competition once you get eliminated your stuff will be thrown out of the hotel and you will booked on the first flight back. Even Hunger Games are little more relaxing than this shit. SRK take the diamonds out of the airport in his drink.
The dance competition finally begins. For some reason the security guard Charan is also the judge of the show. I mean dude come on, the guy is a f**kin security. What does he know about dancing? This isn't Miss India where you can call people from different fields. Dance show will be judged by dancers. Team India begins their performance against North Korea and once again sucks donkey balls. For some reason best known the North Korea, they decide to do a pyramid in a f**kin dance competition. Looks like every country is sending their worst performers for this shit. While making the pyramid the kid falls and SRK does his signature move and saves his life.
If Farah Khan was aiming to bring emotions in the scene, this is how she nailed it.
Well enough of bull shit. Lets see some oceans 11 style robbery. The team minus Mohini gets into full swing. Just before kidnapping Vicky they learn that Diamonds haven't even arrived to Dubai yet. They will come on NYE when there is WDC finals.
So Chralie starts crying like sand eating baby. He says they will get eliminated now and will have to return back to India. Someone please tell this Boston University topper to book another room out of his pocket and sneak in room 9C during the competition. You already have a 30days visa with you and this is no Iraq or Syria where to stay more than the competition you would need help from the local government. But these guys can't figure this much out themselves. Charlie says the plan is off.
The team goes to witness their elimination. All the finalist names are announced and its no surprise that Team India gets eliminated. But as this is an Indian movie and more than an hour pending, logic fail moment has to occur. Some fat judge announces that because Charlie saved that pyramid kid, India is being brought into finals as wild card entry.
Suddenly whole of India starts backing these people. I mean what hypocrites are you showing us here Farah? Not even trying to disguise in certain way? These guys become super popular and are signing autographs, kissing babies, giving speeches, getting pictures clicked everywhere. The last thing a thief wants is any attention to be brought on him. But these guys are loving and living every single moment of it. Don't they realise that if they are caught then Charan won't be harmed in any way and will keep on leading a normal life. Its them who will ultimately go down the wire.
The whole team india minus charlie has sudden change of heart and now wants to tell mohini the real plan. Charlie disagrees and start revealing the whole plan loudly. As it is Indian movie, she is just standing couple of steps away and listens everything. Charlie once again brings out his sob story to tell thats its not about money, its about revenge.
Seriously? These guys have put their whole life in risk to avenge Anupam's death and they don't even know he is dead? What kind of friends are they? Didn't they even bother once going to Jail to visit him? I mean according to their introductions they all were leading a comfortable life. What exactly is happening here?
Now lets take a break for a min. If you guys are standing then sit down. Because whats going to happen next is going to blow your mind away. Remember why they entered WDC? Because they wanted Room 9C and that was only given to participant of the competition. But now, WE, STUPID INDIAN AUDIENCE, WHO EATS WHATEVER CRAP IS FEEDED TO THEM, is being told, by these elite filmmakers that ROOM 9C is given to UK. This should freak the hell out of Team India but they are very cool about it and we get a comedy scene where they are able to switch room with team UK. If this was SO f**kIN SIMPLE, WHY THE f**k THIS WASNT DONE IN THE FIRST PLACE?
Now for some reason they decide to do the robbery before their performance. I mean why not wait for couple of more hours and let the things settle. Why become missing and bring the whole worlds attention to yourself? Anyways who are we to question India's own martin scorsese. They begin executing the robbery.
Charlie and Tammy goes inside the duct. Nandhu dressed as Vicky goes inside the safe room. Jag goes to sewer system for some unknown reason. Rohan is sitting on computer watching po*n and coordinating robbery. Everything is going well but suddenly a problem comes. The vent which Nandhu was supposed to open is way too high for his height.
Now as Rohan is the coordinator, his job is to quickly scan the room and see how he can help Nandhu. What he does?
Nandhu begins stripping to nothing and reaches the final screw. Seriously I kid you not, they Vent is pretty thin and screw is so f**kin small. They could have very well opened from inside as well. They didn't even need Nandhu for this damn fine heist.
Rohan disables the laser shield because either its f**kin simple or the dude is a freakin genius. Tammy also crack open the safe pretty easily.
So they get in the safe and there is another twist in the tale. There is another safe inside the safe which is again designed by Charlie's dad. An inception moment right here. Tammy explains that in this safe you only get one try. If you fail then alarms will start going off and you will get caught. Charlie has some Dejavu moment and figures out the password for the safe is "charlie". Bingo the safe opens.
Let me properly introduce you the proprietor of the worlds largest and best security company- Mr Charan Grover ladies and Gentleman.
the list is pretty much endless.
Charlie steals the diamonds and its now time to escape. He drags tammy inside the safe and let the doors be locked. He asks Jag to replace oxygen pump with water. The safe starts filling with water and they escape by floating to the top.
Vicky wakes up and realises he is f**ked. Like a baby he runs to his dad and they immediately sense that this had got something to do with the Diamonds. Meanwhile Charlie asks Jag to drain the water and switch it back to oxygen. Where is the water going? No body knows. But by the time Charan opens the safe (maybe a minute after charlie escapes) the whole water is gone. I mean not a single f**kin drop. These guys can architect the sewage system of our country. Everything seems to be normal except that the diamonds are missing.
The owner of Diamonds get pissed and blames that Charan has stolen them. I mean come on. If you guys are able to make a fortune, obviously you have that much brain in you to realise that someone else could have been the the thief here. Charan realises that some vent is open and asks his PA to find out where it leads to.
On the other side, Charlie and company is planning to escape. Okay so you are telling me
- Team India switches room with Team UK from which the same room can be accessed.
- Team India goes missing from the grand finale
- Diamond goes missing at the same time
and people won't be able to connect the dots? I mean even if they escape properly this won't harm Charan. Yes it will bring some negativity to his company but ultimately insurance will cover the cost. How and why will Charan go to prison? Their plan was to potray it that it was Charan Grover who stole the diamonds thus getting revenge. Maybe seeing the diamond made them forget about Anupam Kher. Well its right, everybody has a price.
They are now waiting for Rohan and Mohini to come so they can finally leave. However, Rohan comes running alone and has a news for them.
Mohini has a change of heart and wants to perform for India. Even if it means getting caught. Because if she doesn't perform then it will bring shame to India. Apparently these guys are not good at accessing risk. If they don't perform then they will just be called losers and people will forget about it. But if half team performs and half runs away then its a dead giveaway that they are the thieves. So this will bring more shame to the country. I mean imagine the next days headlines "India sends thieves disguised as dancers to steal Diamonds".
Meanwhile Charan figures out that vent has been compromised and it leads to Team India's room. They open the panel to find it sealed.
We are shown that Charlie told Rohan to seal the shit with some cardboard box cut out which looks like bricks. Charan guys are convinced that they couldn't have come through here. I mean come on dude, you are the worlds best security agency. Why not give it a slight push and see for yourself. Forget push, just touch it.
Mohini starts dancing and Charan starts watching her performance. I mean the guys diamonds just got stolen, what other important work could he have than watching some performance? Right?
One by one other Team India members begins having change of heart and starts joining her. The show once again seems little biased towards Indians. Other countries are getting no special effects other than lighting but we Indians and getting Taj Mahal background, smoke guns, revolving stage entrance, laser effects, fireworks, etc etc etc. Also for some reason best known to Farah Khan, SRK and probably Gauri Khan, the characters have suddenly picked up dance moves and now putting Late Michael Jackson to shame.
Jodha Akbar
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