Yagyaseni: A trial By Fire!

<font size="4">YAGYASENI: TRIAL BY FIRE</font>

Born from the fire, she had the glow of fire on her face,theenergy of fire in her breath and the purity of fire in her heart.She had faced all the sorrows and
insults earth can offer but had the strength to face them and fight back.She had faced all the sorrows and insults earth can offer but had the strength to face them and fight back. The adharm that can happen to anyone was countered and spread by her devote support to dharma.She had unrivalled beauty which fetched
her many problems. She was the game changer in the history of India. She was a
partial incarnation of Adi Shakti herself. She is Yagyaseni, Agnijyotsna,
Yojanagandha, Krishnaa, Panchali and Parsati. She is the heroine of
Mahabharat which was the story of her insult, her fight and her vengeance.She is Draupadi.

She was rejected by her father due to his low feelings
towards women. He asked the sacrificial fire for a daughter with many qualities
that are impossible to find together in one person. He also asked for unlimited sorrows for his
daughter. This came into effect since the time of her birth. After realizing
the value of Draupadi and daughters, however he accepted her. She never enjoyed
anything good in life most important being childhood as she emerged as a young lady.

Draupadi and Lord Krishna shared a very special relationship. Draupadi always considered Lord Krishna as her Sakha or beloved friend and Krishna addressed her as Sakhi, this is symbolic of the platonic love existing between the fiery Draupadi and the eighth incarnation of Lord Vishnu, Krishna.

Soon Svayamvar was arranged
for her and a herculean task was to be completed to win Draupadi's hand. Only two people in the competition
could achieve it; they were Karna and Arjun. She said to Karna that she would
never give herself to a person who will give her to someone else with an intention of marrying Arjun only.
This was the one of biggest mistakes she committed in her life. Later, Arjun
won her hand but when he took her to his mother Kunti she unintentionally told
Arjun that whatever he got must be shared between and all the five brothers.To savebothher Dharma and dharma of her chosen husband Arjun, she married allfive brothers to make the unintentional words uttered by her mother-in-law come true. She turned this adharm into dharma by her austerity and
dedication.

Later, Pandavas got their share of kingdom and Draupadi was made
the empress of Bharat Varsha. Burning with jealousy and thinking that Draupadi
had insulted him, Duryodhan organized gambling. After losing everything he was
proud of and he had right on, Yudhistir played /staked Draupadi, whom too he lost. Draupadi
was dragged to the Court, humiliated with words and was ordered to be disrobed
by Dushasan. Nobody in Court opposed to this save Vikarn, a young Kaurava.The wife of five great warriors stood there in the middle of the rajya Sabha as if she never had a husband.Due
to her dharma and purity and devotion towards Lord Krishna made him protect her
with an unlimited supply of cloth. Draupadi cursed the whole court who didn't
support her with death.

They were sent to 12 years of exile and 1 year of
incognito. Draupadi, daughter of the
powerful King Dhrupad, wife of Pandavas who could conquer the whole world, she
who sat on the throne as an empress and was accepted by Lord Krishna himself as
his sister, was now a servant to Queen Sudeshna whenthey were spending their year of anonymity in Matsya..

In the war she got her revenge and fulfilled vengeance. She had five
sons but was never a mother as she lost them in the great war of Kurukshetra immediately after their exile.
When on the way to heaven she was the first one to fall. The reason was she
loved Arjun the most although she was married to all the five and she had to share him with three other.

She is a true inspiration to all the women
of the world. Most shameful thing is that people in the present day world
hesitate to name their daughters after Draupadi though she was greater
than Bhma or Arjun, in nobility, virtue and bravery. Only a few people have
the strength to fight back against injustice, instill dharma in other and stay
stable in very difficult situations and Draupadi's name emerges to the top.The Draupadiwholives in every women,who fights back against injustice makes the journey of the Mahabharat eternal in the history of the universe.Where a woman fights for justice there a Mahabharat is certain to happen.

Edited!!

Please comment!!!

Originally posted by: shyam09

Very well written.

Few things I noticed (not sure how far I'm allowed to critique though):

1) It seems like this is a mixture of StarBharat and Mahabharat.

For example:

"She was rejected by her father due to his low feelings towards women. He asked the sacrificial fire for a daughter with many qualities that are impossible to find together in one person. He also asked for unlimited sorrows for his daughter"

This was a StarBharat addition (or some other version/retelling of the Mahabharat I presume).

Also,

"After losing everything he was proud of and he had right on"

This was nothing but pure whitewashing or perhaps a weird way of justifying Yuddhi's actions, even though Yudhi had an intense passion for gambling.

Additionally:

Burning with jealousy and thinking that Draupadi had insulted him, Duryodhan organized gambling.

There wasn't an insult to begin with. It was just Dury wanting to take revenge on the Pandavas. The insult was an addition to the MB.

There are a few other things that aren't from the epic like the reason why Draupadi was the first to fall. I'm just mentioning them, feel free to keep / change as you please.

...

Now here are some nit-picky things I see when I read it:

1) I really like the way you started your article:

"She was born from the fire; she had the glow of fire on her face, energy of fire in her breath and the purity of fire in her heart"

but from a literary POV, the repetition of fire is kinda poor in taste. This is from that part where Draupadi says her first lines, so you may want to try something like:

"A fiery glowing visage, a torrid vigor, and a fervent soul define she who was born from the fire."

Or you can simply add an article to your sentence so it flows more appropriately:

"She was born from the fire; she had the glow of fire on her face, the energy of fire in her breath and the purity of fire in her heart"

Or even better, reword it slightly so the flow is consistent for that sentence:

"Born from the fire, she had the glow of fire on her face, the energy of fire in her breath and the purity of fire in her heart." (again, the repetition of fire bothers me, but play around with this sentence)

2) For these two sentences:

She had faced all the sorrows and insults earth can offer but had the strength to face them and fight back. She had faced all the adharm that can happen to anyone but she supported dharma and made people around also support dharma.

I suggest changing the bold to something different. For example:

She had faced all the sorrows and insults earth can offer but had the strength to face them and fight back. The adharm that can happen to anyone was countered and spread by her devote support to dharma.

(it's not a great sentence, but I'm just randomly putting my thoughts here).

3. "She was the game changer in the history of India. She was a partial incarnation of Adi Shakti herself. She is Yagyaseni, Agnijyotsna, Yojanagandha, Krishnaa, Panchali and Parsati. She is the heroine and cause of Mahabharat, Draupadi.."

You've used "She is" or "She was" to start each sentence, which is fine here. However, that last sentence leaves something lacking. Try reading what you wrote aloud, and then read it again, except read this sentence as the last sentence:
"She is the heroine and cause of Mahabharat, she is Draupadi"

This has to do with just the flow of the portion. It felt sort of awkward for me without the "She is" part.

4) "She never enjoyed anything good in life most importantly childhood."

Reading it from the POV that I have no clue who Draupadi is, what I seemed to understand is that her father's curse made her lose her childhood, which wasn't the case. She was born as a young woman, and I think you should mention that. Otherwise, I would have to assume that she had a horrible childhood.

5) "Soon a Svayamvar was arranged for her and a herculean task was to be completed to win Draupadi's hand. Draupadi and Lord Krishna shared a very special relationship."

What's happening here is you are interrupting the Svayamvar thoughts with something random. For example if I talk about cheese in one sentence and then talk about chairs and then go back to cheese, it doesn't fit in. Now, mentioning Draupadi and Lord Krishna's relationship is an important part, so I suggesting moving that specific part to a different place just so the swayamvar track keeps going.

6) "Thus, Draupadi married all five brothers to protect her dharma. She had five husbands but had none"

Maybe you should elaborate on this some more (not sure if you have a word limit). Especially the latter part. I think I understand what you're trying to say, but I wasn't entirely confident in what I thought. (I thought it had to do with her not being protected by her husbands during the VH)

7) "Draupadi, daughter of the powerful King Dhrupad, wife of Pandavas who could conquer the whole world, she who sat on the throne as an empress and was accepted by Lord Krishna himself as his sister, was now a servant to Queen Sudeshna under whom they were in incognito. "

I really like this part a lot, however it sounded a bit off. Maybe mention that they were spending their year of anonymity in Matsya.

8) The most shameful thing is that people in the present day world hesitate [a lot] to name their daughters after Draupadi though she was greater than Bhima or Arjun, in nobility, virtue and bravery. Only a few people have the strength to fight back against injustice, instill dharma in others, and stay stable in very difficult situations and Draupadi's name comes in first among the list. She is alive in every woman who fights back and as she is the cause of the Mahabharat, the Mahabharat has not ended and will last forever in the history of the universe.

I changed my mind, THIS is my officially going to be my favorite part 😆

@ underlined: this sounds a bit weird. try something simple like "comes on top" or "comes in first" or even use a synonym for comes, such as "emerges"

@bold: these are just some things I felt should be added that were missing, like missing articles or proper pronouns.

@red: this sentence felt very awkward for me. I think it has to do with the phrasing of this sentence

"as she is the cause of the Mahabharat, the Mahabharat has not ended and will last forever in the history of the universe."

I like the openness it leaves, it's very thought provoking.

I usually have trouble on the writing the last sentence in stuff I write, but it comes to me over time. Your sentence works well, but the last sentence should capture the readers attention and send them off with thoughts on your article. What I'm saying is, if you have some more time, think over it and try rewording / rephrasing it to make it even more better. It's great as it is, but try shooting for excellent or beyond awesome. This is the last thing the reader is going to read so you want to make sure you drive your point home.

Summary recap to Yagnaseni:

I think I got carried away, but I hope you don't mind. I tried to make this as constructive as possible but if I slipped here and there and made it sound like you were at fault, I honestly didn't mean that. Apart from adding a few articles here and there, you did a splendid job and properly outlined your points. I felt that some portions were misplaced because it made me feel confused when there was a random interruption in the thought process. As for the things mentioned that were highlighted in StarBharat, that's up to you. I felt I should mention them just for your reference. Additionally, be sure to separate it into paragraphs whenever you change huge points. It makes it look nicer and less scary to the reader (a bunch of small blocks of text versus a huge block of text)

Finally, I look forward to reading more of your pieces (if you ever write and post on IF). Hopefully I didn't intimidate you too much with all the critiquing.

Best,

Shyam

Originally posted by: luv_sakshi

@Yagyaseni:

Well written piece for your school project!👏👏👏..I have Md you already on the changes i suggest you could make..😳..Shyam has given some wonderful insights & inputs here, that you can use to make your article more precise!👍🏼

Originally posted by: Radhikerani

<font color="#0000FF">Now, What Else Can I Say, Shyam Bhaiya Has Already Done, And Pointed Out More Things That I Could Possibly Think Of, I Think With The Material You Have, You Can Go Ahead And Submit.

Though Just A Small Correction, Agnijyotsna And Yojangandha, Are Not Draupadi's Names.

Yojangandha Was Satyavati's Name Due To Sage Parashar's Boon.

Agnijyotsna...Well...Is One Of StarBharat's Brilliant Creations.

In Place Of That, You Can Add Panchami, Sairandhri And/Or Nityayauvani.

</font>

Originally posted by: Yagyaseni

Thanks, darling!! But actually yojanagandha and agnijyotsna are draupadi's name acc or vyaas bharat and wikipedia!!

Originally posted by: Yagyaseni

OMG Shyam Ji!!! Such lovely comments and constructive criticism!! Thanks a lot, Ji!! I would like to clarify the doubts, first!!

1) Dhrupad wanted Draupadi to marry Arjun not to show his love and yes it is written in a folk-lore too that he didn't want her. <gotcha>

2) That incident of mockery in Maya Sabha did happen in reality in Vyaas Mahabharat!! And Duryodhan wanted to take away the smile which played on drauapdi's face that day! <gotcha, maybe I was thinking about something else>

The suggestions:

1) "The glow on her face, the energy in her breath and purity in her heart just like the fire made her the one born from the fire" how about this? <this part doesn't fit in. it just sounds odd (the first one you had sounded much better>

2)"The strength in her made her counter all the adharm she faced and turned it into dharm therefore making her the path of establishment of Dharm" Is this better? <hmm this too doesn't sound great to me. Try therefore making her the path of establishing Dharm; also would she be the path? To me Krishna is the one who established Dharma, Draupadi was a significant instrument>

3)Yeah, I too felt that!! But i wanted to give different names of Draupadi so... <the different names were fine, it was just how that last sentence was phrased without that flow of a constant "She is / was">

4) I will change it to, " Most important being childhood as she emerged as a young lady"

5) Then Krishna-Krishnaa part will go ahead of the Swayamvar track!!

6)May be like this,
" To save <both> her Dharma and dharma of her chosen husband Arjun, she married all <removed the> five brothers to make the unintentional words uttered by her mother-in-law come true. " I will leave the latter part to VH sequence. The write up will be," The wife of five great warriors stood there in the middle of the rajya Sabha as if she never had a husband"

<small changes mentioned in <>>

7)Yeah, noted,Ji!!

8)Underlined- emerges to the top

Bold-Noted

Red- I will follow the way you suggested

May be the last line can be," The draupadi <who> lives in every women <add comma> who fights back against injustice makes the journey of the Mahabharat eternal in the history of the universe as where a woman fights for justice there a Mahabharat will happen"

<how would it sound if we got rid of the "as" and made "where a woman fights for justice there a Mahabharat will happen" a new sentence of its own? or if that doesn't sound right to you, try changing "as" to "because" >

You are really sweet, Ji!! You really helped me a lot!! And yes I do write FFs and SSs on IF!!

Originally posted by: Radhikerani

No, But, I Have Already Confirmed With Wiki...And If You Want, You Can Check Satysvsti's Page For Yojangandha.