Whose mistake was this?Husband's or wife's or both?

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Subha

@Life_Is_Dutiful

Stunner

+ 44

Posted: 11 years ago

I read one interesting article in a website.A husband mails an excel sheet to his wife's work email id on how many times she refused to have sex with him and the excuses she gave for not doing so.o this lady posted that excel sheet on reddit.

What are ur reactions to this article?Whose mistake was this?

Here's the full article

Excel spreadsheets are usually used to track the most banal of things: budgets that force you to stay away from shoe shopping, your latest work projects, or who gave you what for your wedding thank-you note list. What it shouldn'tbe used for is to track the last time you had sex.

One Reddit user recently posted an Excel spreadsheet her husband emailed to her to let her know that their sex life was lacking. (I wish I knew if he worked in finance or if he's just an organized person.)

She explains:

"Yesterday morning, while in a taxi on the way to the airport, Husband sends a message to my work email which is connected to my phone. He's never done this, we always communicate in person or by text. I open it up, and it's a sarcastic diatribe basically saying he won't miss me for the 10 days I'm gone. Attached is a SPREADSHEET of all the times he has tried to initiate sex since June 1st, with a column for my 'excuses,' using verbatim quotes of why I didn't feel like having sex at that very moment. According to his 'document,' we've only had sex three times in the last seven weeks, out of 27 'attempts' on his part."

It doesn't take a therapist to know that being passive aggressive and using a data manipulator to log sexual frustration probably won't win him any points once he and his wife both want to get out of their rut. To do so, they should start small and slowly to build intimacy again - and remove technology from their relationship for a bit for obvious reasons.

But to be fair, the next time you pull the "sweaty and gross" card (face it, we've all been there), just think about how it would look glaring at you five times from a carefully curated spreadsheet.

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Depali Kulkarni

@lalalee

Inactive

Posted: 11 years ago

- Did the husband make a mistake by listing down the number of times his wife denied sex?

There is nothing wrong in and of the list. Everyone has a preferred communication style. Some talk through problems, others write. The list would help them discuss each excuse / genuine reason in detail, leaving no stone unturned,and remedy grievances in an organized manner (instead of jumping all over the place). Besides, we don't know if there's something else that prompted the husband to make the list. Does the wife live in denial and think she fulfills her husband's sexual urges whenever he wants? Did the husband try communicating earlier but failed? Did she ask him to make a list but is pretending to be a victim?

It is equally plausible that the husband is bad at communication and his 'attempts' were so subtle that they would have passed unseen even under a microscope. The bottled up sexual frustration finally took the shape of an excel sheet. If this is the case, he needs therapy and/or introspection.

- Did the husband make a mistake by using technology to make a list?

- Did the husband make any other mistake?

Yes. There was no need for him to be sarcastic and rude to his wife and he should have given/mailed the list before she left home. What he did was passive-aggressive. Assuming he didn't try communicating verbally, he should have done that before making the list.

- Did the wife make a mistake by making an internet post?

Absolutely not if she was seeking solutions to her problem. Even if she made the post for other reasons (Example: venting out of anger), it's not a mistake as long as her husband didn't find his privacy violated.

He should have given her the list when she was at home and they should have patiently discussed the matter in person. If there was a need, they could have consulted a therapist or sought solutions online.

Edited by lalalee - 11 years ago

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Mahadevan Venkitaraman

@maha2us

Voyager

Posted: 11 years ago

We can say what the husband did is a mistake. Definitely he is mentally hurt because his wife was not giving sex when he tried to initiate with her. But how can he help himself? Bottling his feelings and trying to get his wife help him wouldn't help him. He can make a better choice. He could try to understand his wife. He could take this opportunity to be more caring, compassionate, gentle, tender and forgiving not only to himself but also to his wife. Being loving to her. forgiving her and understanding her only helps him. The point could be the wife is very tired after the day's job. if the husband understands, she would tell him the truth. But if he kept on blaming, it is definitely possible she would not have been drawn to him for having sex. When he is gentle, tender and understanding to her, things will become far different.

One thing I learn is, marriage helps anyone if that person is interested in becoming more mature which I define as improving the capabilities of being more caring, compassionate, gentle, tender and understanding to oneself and others. That is what the husband has to do. The excel spreadsheet would take him no where when he is not prepared to understand her.

The point said in the article, .''It doesn't take a therapist to know that being passive aggressive and using a data manipulator to log sexual frustration probably won't win him any points once he and his wife both want to get out of their rut. To do so, they should start small and slowly to build intimacy again' is an important one'

The wife also while being gentle, tender and understanding on herself for not being drawn to her husband for sex be more understanding to him trying to help him in other ways.

One important point we learn is, What husband and wife are to do is to make love with each other and not demand sex with each other. There has to be maturity, understanding, gentleness and tenderness when the husband and the wife are having sex. '

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return_to_hades

@return_to_hades

Stunner

+ 6

Posted: 11 years ago

I don't think anyone is wrong or right in this.

Sex and intimacy is important in a marriage. At the same time understanding, affection and being fulfilled beyond sex is important. It is a common problem in many relationships where one or both partners starts losing interest in sex and intimacy. There is also a fundamental difference between how men and women perceive sex. For men sex can be love and lack of sex can lead to feeling unloved. For women sex is just a physical aspect and focus on sex can lead to feeling unloved as a person (Of course there are exceptions). Both individuals need to meet in between and find a happy solution. Sex should be a healthy topic of discussion for a couple before and after marriage.