We know that India is a really hospitable country. "Atithi Devo Bhava" and all that. Our country is good at tons of other stuff too. But I don't think we are a superhero friendly nation. Why do you think Ra.One flopped? Anyways, the reasons we've not had much Bollywood superheroes is because everyone knows a superhero would just not be able to survive here. Now take Batman for instance. I think this what he'll have to deal with if he was in India.
1. People would make fun of his name.
"Batman? What kind of a name is that? Where's your bat Batman? Which IPL team do you play for Batman?"
2. People would also make fun of his costume.
Dude, why do you have your mom's saree on your back? Are you drying it for her?
3. He would need to keep 3 or 4 spare Bat-Suits handy at all times.
It's going to get really hot and sweaty in that suit, no matter which part of the country he's in.
4. He'll have to do without the privacy of a bat cave.
Because his neighbours would always keep dropping by, asking for a cup of sugar or "dahi ka jaaman."
5. He won't be able to fight crime from 9 to 11 in the morning and 6 to 8 in the evening.
Peak office hours dude. Even the Batmobile won't be of much use here.
6. He'll have to learn 18 different languages.
We speak a different language every 100 kilometres. And if he needs to sound tough and mean while interrogating criminals, he can always switch to Haryanvi. "Tau kathe ja ra se?"
7. He'll have to work with ACP Pradyuman.
There's no Commissioner Gordon in India. He'll have to adjust. That's how the country runs. You have to adjust.
8. And instead of Robin, he'd have to use Daya as a side-kick.
Come on man, ACP Pradyuman and Daya come in one package. On the bright side, he'll never have to worry about breaking down doors again.
9. He'll have to make do with the sleepy Ramu Kaka instead of the refined and sophisticated Alfred.
He won't be of much use in fighting crime, but at least he'll make some killer tea.
10. He'll have to be a politically correct crime-fighter.
With Arnab Goswami following your every move and asking questions for which the nation needs answers, Batman will have to be very smart about this indeed.
11. He'll have to be look-out for dengue & malaria.
He leaves half of his face exposed. That's all the opportunity the mosquitoes in this country need.
12. He'll have a tough time hiding his true identity.
Since his alter-ego Bruce Wayne is filthy rich, the media would be watching Wayne's every step obsessively.
13. He'll have to work without all his fancy gadgets.
This is India. Even the iPhone releases here later than other countries.
14. Eventually, he'll learn to shamelessly scratch his crotch in public.
Dude, can you imagine that costume in Indian summers? He'll just have to learn some tricks from our local scratchy men. Pinch and roll Batman, pinch and roll.
Seher Hone Ko Hai
CID
Indian Premier League
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