Chapter 16 - A Married Man's Ordeal
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Preet yawned and stretched his arms out as he walked into the living room, dressed only in his pajamas. It was 11 AM and he had just woken up. He had had a most eventful week, but now the weekend was finally here, and he knew just how he wanted to spend it...sprawled out on the sofa...doing nothing but flipping channels, sleeping, reading the sports section of the newspaper, and sleeping some more. He walked to his door and opened it to pick up the paper, but there was nothing outside.
Damn! Thought Preet, as he eyed his neighbor's door suspiciously. Mr. Rathi, his neighbor in the apartment across from his, was a retired old man too miserly to get his own newspaper subscription. He was known to steal other people's newspapers, read them, even fill out the crossword puzzles and then put them back. Preet was not about to allow himself to become his latest victim. Leaving his door slightly ajar, he marched over and knocked on Mr. Rathi's door, determined to get his paper back.
Meanwhile...
Meher walked out of the bathroom wiping her hands on a small towel. She had just finished soaking some clothes for washing, when she noticed the front door open. "Oh dear", she said, "I wonder if I forgot to shut it properly when I came in this morning". She shrugged her shoulders, then gently kicked the door shut with her foot, before proceeding to the kitchen.
"What the...?" cried Preet as he heard his door close behind him. He ran back to it and frantically turned the knob, but it refused to budge. He had been locked out of his apartment. "Hey! Open up!" he cried as he pounded on the door, then pushed up against it in an effort to open it.
"Uff ho! Kaun hai! (Who's there)" said Meher. She yanked the door open, making Preet fall forward. They both landed on the floor with a loud thud, just as Mr. Rathi looked out his door wondering what all the noise was all about.
"Hai Bhagwan! Aaj kal ki (Today's) generation!" He gasped at the sight of Preet lying on top of a very stunned looking Meher. "You know they have closed doors for things like these!" he cried.
"Preet! Uttho! (Get up!)" hissed Meher, as she hit him on his chest.
"Ow!" said Preet, as he pulled himself up.
Meher quickly stood up, pushed Preet inside the apartment, slammed the door shut, then hit him some more.
"Ow! Ow!" cried Preet. "What's the matter with you?"
"That's for being such an idiot!" cried Meher. "Did you hear what Mr. Rathi just said?!"
"Yeah well...you were the one who locked me out", complained Preet, as he plopped himself down on the sofa, and let his feet rest on the coffee table.
"And how was I supposed to know that you had gone out without taking the key?" said Meher, as she pushed Preet's feet off the table. "And please...keep your feet off the furniture. I just finished tidying up".
Preet watched Meher walk off towards the kitchen. He suddenly remembered that he hadn't eaten anything. As he joined her in the kitchen, he spotted a section of his missing newspaper.
"Hey! Is that today's paper? What is it doing here?" he asked.
"Oh that", said Meher. "I cleaned out the fridge and kitchen cabinets this morning and used it to line all the shelves. Then I used some to clean the windows. It works a lot better than paper towels, you know. There's still some left, but I promised the neighbor's kids I'd show them how to make the best paper airplanes ever".
"But I hadn't even read it yet", muttered Preet.
"Hey are you hungry?" asked Meher. "I...uh...did a little cooking..."
Preet looked over at the kitchen counter. Several pots and containers were neatly lined up. "Matter paneer, rajma dal, chicken karahi, achar gosht, aloo palak, roti, and rice. And you said you did a little cooking?" he said.
"Well...I was bored and needed something to do...", said Meher. She suddenly picked up a rag and looked past Preet. "Will you please excuse me...I think I forgot to dust in that corner".
Preet looked on as Meher walked over to the bookshelf and gave it a thorough dusting, before deciding to remove the books altogether and rearrange them in alphabetical order.
I have got to find her a hobby, sighed Preet.
Later that day...
Meher sat next to Preet nervously clutching the steering wheel before her. "Preet", she said. "Are you sure you want to do this? I mean, why do you insist on teaching me how to drive?"
"Because we live in the 21st century, and it's a valuable skill everyone should have, including you", explained Preet. "Besides...who knows, someday you may need to drive someone to the emergency room, or get away real quick from that guy whose chasing you, and knowing how to drive just may come in handy".
"That's not funny", frowned Meher.
"Neither is you fussing needlessly and making a mountain out of a mole hill", said Preet. "Driving is really not as complicated as you may think. Trust me, it'll be easy once you get the hang of it, but you won't learn if you don't give it a try. And you needn't worry, because we're in a deserted old ground with absolutely no traffic, so it's not like you're going to kill anyone either. I'll be sitting right next to you the whole time in order to guide you. Now come on".
"Okay", sighed Meher.
She listened carefully as Preet familiarized her with some rules of the road as well as the different parts of the car she would need to manipulate in order to drive properly. Once ready to move, Meher adjusted the mirrors. She said a little prayer and turned the key in the ignition. She then released the brake, put the car into gear and tapped her foot on the accelerator. The car immediately lurched forward throwing Preet against the windshield.
"Uh...maybe we should put our seat belts on", Preet suggested, as he peeled himself off the glass and quickly fastened his belt then helped Meher do the same. "Now...don't tap. Keep your foot light, but steadily pressed down on the accelerator. The further you press down the faster the car will go. Press down on the clutch when you need to change gears".
Meher did as she was instructed and to her surprise, it wasn't long before she was driving the car straight at a slow but steady speed. Preet commended her and let her make turns and drive around straight and in circles.
"This is actually fun", smiled Meher. "Now teach me how to drive in reverse and park".
"Whoa, you can't learn everything in one day", laughed Preet. "And you still need lots of practice, because you keep looking down at your feet whenever you press the clutch. That's dangerous. I tell you what, go down towards the right there and let's get you to drive on the road a little".
"On the road with other cars!" cried Meher.
"Well, there is hardly any traffic on this particular road on the weekend, just a couple of parked cars, but it'll give you a feel of driving in a lane, and that should be enough for our first lesson", suggested Preet.
Meher nodded, followed Preet's instructions and pulled onto a seemingly deserted road. She ventured onto the oncoming lane a few times and Preet would put his hand on the steering wheel and guide her back.
"You know...this is actually not as bad as I thought it would be", smiled Meher.
Just then a child passed by them on his bicycle, ringing his bell several times before turning into a side road. Meher looked over at Preet. He was holding his head with his hand.
"Um...Meher...do you think we could possibly go just a little bit faster?" he begged.
"Oh...yeah...sure", said Meher, as she increased her speed.
Everything seemed fine until the road reached an uphill slope. Preet asked Meher to change gears and accelerate a little more. She nodded and then looked down to make sure her foot would hit the clutch, as she did so, the car once again veered into the oncoming lane, where another car suddenly appeared from over the hill. The other car blasted its horn startling both Preet and Meher.
Meher's eyes widened in fright as her hands froze on the steering wheel. Images from the next morning's paper flashed through Preet's mind...
Idiot Gets Killed Trying To Teach Make Believe Wife How To Drive.
He quickly shook the thoughts from his mind and yelled at Meher to hit the brake while his hands reacted fast enough to grab the steering wheel and get the car off to one side and park. Meanwhile, the other car had also veered off to one side of the road and stopped without incident.
Preet checked the side mirror to see if his hair had turned prematurely gray. He was sure he had just shortened his life expectancy by 10 years. When his own heart had stopped pounding wildly, he made sure Meher was okay, then got out and checked on the driver of the other vehicle. He was alright although a bit shaken up. Preet apologized profusely and explained that he was teaching Meher to drive.
The man's anger dissipated slowly as he glanced over at Meher. "Teaching the wife how to drive eh?" He said sympathetically to Preet. "It's okay, I've been through the same process myself. Good luck and be more careful next time".
Preet thanked the man for understanding and then slowly walked back to his own car. He opened the door for Meher, and watched her quietly slip out and go over to sit on the passenger's side. He started the car and began to drive home.
"I'm sorry Preet", said Meher, but she got no reply in return. "Are you...angry with me?" {Still no reply} "Very angry?" {Still no reply} "I swear it was an accident. But you can yell at me if you think it'll make you feel better".
Preet opened his mouth to say something but Meher spoke up again first. "In my defense, however, I'd just like to say that I never wanted to learn to drive in the first place. But you insisted. Me...I was only following your orders. You also assured me that I wouldn't encounter any traffic. But you were wrong there too. Hai Rabba! You could have gotten me killed!"
"How do you manage to do that?" Preet asked in disbelief.
"Do what?" asked Meher.
"Make everything seem like it's my fault", said Preet.
"Well, technically...it was", said Meher.
"Was not", said Preet.
"Was too", said Meher.
"Was not!" insisted Preet.
"You know I think I liked it a lot better when you weren't talking to me", said Meher, as she folded her arms with a frown. "By the way...Was too".
The next evening...
Preet and Meher walked into the main level of a very large shopping mall. Meher looked around wide-eyed. She had heard about places like this, but she had never actually been inside one.
"Preet, are you sure you want to shop here?" she asked.
"Why what's wrong with this place?" asked Preet.
"It's so big", said Meher, "and equally expensive I'm sure".
"Relax", said Preet. "We're shopping for my boss' party so this tab is on me, remember?"
"Yes but still..." said Meher.
"Come on", smiled Preet as he pulled Meher into a dress shop. "You can pick out clothes first, then shoes and purses to match. That's what Veera would do anyway. And I'll pick you up in an hour".
"You mean you're leaving me here...alone?" asked Meher worriedly.
"Meher you're not alone", sighed Preet. "It's a mall full of people. Besides what will I do in the womens' section?"
"No Preet, I don't want you to go anywhere", insisted Meher. "What if I get lost? What if I can't find you?"
"Meher..." said Preet.
"No...just stay with me...I won't be long, I promise", insisted Meher. "Besides, I may need your opinion".
Preet shrugged his shoulders. How bad could this be? He thought. Little did he know that for the next 2 hours he'd be following Meher around various racks of clothes, and waiting outside fitting rooms while she tried on one outfit after another.
"What do you think about this one?" asked Meher for what seemed to be like the umpteenth time. "Do you think the slit on the side of this skirt shows too much leg when I walk?"
Preet looked at Meher. She was dressed in a full-sleeve, white, silky blouse with a pleated high neck colar buttoned all the way up to the middle of her throat. She had matched it with a dark tan, suede ankle length skirt. "Why do you keep asking me this question when you're not willing to hear the answer?" whined Preet.
"What's that supposed to mean?" asked Meher.
"Meher...you look like a librarian", said Preet. "Correction...even librarians show more skin than that!"
"See, you're impossible!" complained Meher. "You're the one who insisted on bringing me to such a huge mall, saying the local shops wouldn't have the same selection and that here I could find things approporiate enough for when we meet your colleagues. And now you're not even helping".
"You want help? Fine! Then go try this", said Preet, as he handed Meher a skirt.
"Preet, that thing is hardly bigger than a band-aid", protested Meher.
"How about these?" asked Preet, as he pulled out 2 dresses from a nearby rack.
Meher looked at the dresses he was holding and frowned. "No way!" she said.
"What's wrong with them?" said Preet. "I think they're perfect. In fact they're so perfect we should buy them immediately before someone else does".
"No", said Meher, as she took the dresses and placed them back on the rack.
"But why?" asked Preet.
"Preet, as it is I don't feel comfortable in all this "western" clothing. It's just not me. And those dresses...", Meher said hesitantly.
"What's wrong with those dresses?" asked Preet.
"Well if you must know", Meher said matter of factly. "They're too short, missing backs and sleeves and quite frankly I have no interest in dressing like a prostitute".
Preet's mouth fell open, but Meher pushed his lower jaw back up and walked away.
Later...
Once Meher's clothes shopping was done they she moved on to the lingerie section. Preet couldn't help but grin as he stared at the mannequins with different lingerie items on as well as pictures of women modeling the things for sale.
"What are you smiling at?" Meher asked as she placed her hands on her hips.
"Isn't it obvious", chuckled Preet. He saw Meher frowning at him. "Well...what do you want me to do stare at the ceiling? Come on Meher, I'm a guy, and believe it or not we like looking at this stuff".
"Okay...that does it", said Meher, "You're leaving right now. Go and look at some electronics or something".
"What and leave you alone to get lost? No way!" laughed Preet.
"I won't get lost Preet", said Meher as she pushed him towards the door. "You see, although guys' underwear comes in packs of 5, I may have to try on stuff and I wouldn't want you to waste the time straining your eyes. Now go, and meet me back here in half an hour".
Later...
Preet paid for Meher's purchases, took the bags from the sales lady and handed Meher a small one in return.
"What's this?" she asked, as they walked towards another store.
"A phone", said Preet. "I've already fed my number into it, so you won't have to worry about getting lost or losing contact. Now come on, we've been here for over 2 hours and I'm getting tired. Let's pick out some shoes and go home".
Another 2 hours later, Preet was drawing smiley faces on the surface of the suede seats in the shoe store.
"You're bored aren't you?" Meher asked.
Preet looked at the mountain of shoe boxes and handbags lying in front of her. "Now whatever gave you that crazy idea?" he said sarcastically. He looked apologetically at the shoe clerk who by now had sweat circles under her arms, from carting out box after box of shoes. Preet was beginning to wonder just how much inventory they had in the back of the store. "Meher...why is it taking you so long to buy a lousy pair of shoes?" he asked.
"Everything is so expensive here Preet", explained Meher. "I want to make sure I make the right purchase. You wouldn't want me to drag you back here the next day to make returns would you? I just can't decide between these 4".
Preet decided to save himself and the sales lady from any further torture. He randomly picked out a handbag and handed it along with his credit card to the sales lady and told her to pack it with all 4 pairs of shoes.
"But Preet!" cried Meher.
"Come on Meher!" he said. "We're leaving".
The next day...
Preet walked into the office looking exhausted. He put his briefcase down and laid his head on his desk.
"Hey Preet", smiled Gaurav, as he walked into the room. "Have another fight with Meher?"
"Worse", moaned Preet. "I took her shopping".
"Ooo...big mistake", said Gaurav. "You should have sent her with Sam".
"Now you tell me!" whined Preet. "It took her over 4 hours...4 hours just to pick out 3 dresses, some shoes, a handbag and some underwear!"
"That bad eh?" said Gaurav.
"That's not the worst of it", said Preet. "On the way home from the mall, she tells me we're almost out of tomatoes, so I stop by the grocery store thinking, okay this will take 5 minutes right?"
"Right", said Gaurav".
"Wrong", said Preet. "It took her 20 minutes just to decide what kind of tomatoes she wanted. They all looked red to me, but she insisted there was a difference. And she kept on asking me to help her decide which one would be good for making sweet and sour and which one would be good for the paneer.
I mean if I knew it was going to be a test I would have studied for it! I finally wound up handing her a sack of potatoes and pushing the cart ahead".
"Poor baby", said Gaurav.
"There's more", said Preet. "She suddenly decided that I was worn out and becoming irritable, so she started moving the cart at super lightening speed. I noticed this when I put a bottle of ketchup in the cart only to have it smash onto the floor into several tiny pieces, because Meher had moved the cart. I'll never forget how people were staring at me. I have officially been branded the idiot responsible for the clean up in aisle 4!"
"Oh no", laughed Gaurav.
"In another aisle I picked up a bottle of my favorite bubble bath", continued Preet, "but because Meher had moved the cart again, I wound up putting it in some other lady's cart. She started yelling and beating me over the head with her purse for getting fresh with her! Thank God I got out of there before her husband showed up".
"My best friend takes bubble baths?" said Gaurav.
"Only on Sundays", Preet replied sarcastically.
"And I thought I knew you so well", said Gaurav as he bent over laughing uncontrollably.
"You think that's funny? Wait until I tell you about the pad incident", said Preet.
"The pad incident? I'm almost afraid to ask", chuckled Gaurav.
"Well I finally caught up to Meher and declared that I'm driving the cart now", explained Preet. "Her face turns red and I'm wondering why? She's hiding something behind her back and refuses to show me.
I threaten her with annihilation so she finally hands me a packet of pads, and says we can check out now. And I'm not talking about the kind we use in the office to take notes on during meetings mind you.
I look around and realize that I'm standing in the women's hygiene aisle with an actual packet of sanitary napkins in my hands! I'm like...I've never had an item like that so close to me let alone in my shopping cart before, and she simply says well...I'm a girl', and walks off.
So I look around and make sure no one is looking and then bury the packet under all the other stuff we got and we finally get to the check out aisle. Just then Meher remembers that she needs to pick up some shampoo and abandons me in the line. I remember the pads in the cart and try to stop her, but it's too late, and she's gone.
I'm praying that she'll return before our turn comes up but of course I had no such luck. I tried to stall, but the cashier gives me a disgusted look and says Hey mister come on we don't have all night. You're holding up the line'. So I slowly began to unload the cart, and when I was certain no one was looking, I deftly slipped the packet of pads under the some other items and placed them before the cashier.
Everything was fine, until the she decides to ring up the pads. Her register decides not to read the bar code and all eyes turn on us as she calls up a service personnel on the store intercom and says, price check in lane 12 on the sanitary napkins'.
The service lady doesn't hear the sanitary part, and her voice booms back over the intercom saying ...Are you asking about the soft kind you wipe your nose with or the kind you use for dining and special occasions!"
"Oh no!" laughed Gaurav.
"Oh yes", sighed Preet. "I could swear everyone was laughing at me. I tried to explain to anyone who'd listen that I was shopping for my wife, but I'm sure they didn't believe me. I've never been so embarrassed in my life! Are all women this crazy?"
"You better believe it", said Gaurav. "And just so you know...driving...that's another thing you never try and teach your wife. Or in your case, pretend wife".
Preet looked up at Gaurav with a weak smile.
"You didn't? Did you?" asked Gaurav.
Preet nodded.
"My life's turned completely upside down Gaurav", complained Preet. "I have to hang my coat in the closet, keep my feet off the furniture and the seat down in the toilet, put the cap back on the tube of toothpaste, share the TV remote, and put my books and CDs back on the shelf in alphabetical order!
I've got a wife, who isn't really my wife, but she's determined to drive me crazy like a real wife without any of the fringe benefits!
And the scary part is...I think I'm actually beginning to like it!"
Gaurav placed a sympathetic hand on his friend's shoulder. "Congratulations Preet. You've officially been initiated into the married men's club".
Book Talk
Cricket
