I suffered from a persecution complex: Vidya Balan

"I suffered from a persecution complex"

She's boldly gone where no actress has gone before. From a gawky teenager in Hum Paanch to a sultry seductress in The Dirty Picture to being an assassin with vendetta on her mind in Kahaani, she has done it all and more. And now she bravely tackles the after effects of marriage in Shaadi Ke Side Effects, right when she's completed one year of her own marriage. Talk about guts or what! Unlike other stars of her generation, she's tantrum free, wearing her stardom ever so lightly and sometimes putting it away completely to let you catch a glimpse of the warm person that she is. Her smiles, her hugs are genuine and so is her candid approach to life. Excerpts from a free-flowing interview with Vidya Balan Roy Kapur, a real actor, a real women and yet a child at heart...

What was the earliest influence of films on you?
When I watched Madhuri Dixit doing Ek do teen (Tezaab), I decided I wanted to be an actress. I wanted to look pretty and dance. I was fascinated how she had the nation dance to her tunes. I wanted to be the junior Madhuri Dixit. I'd tell that to my sister Priya. Incidentally, Priya had a brown silk skirt. I wore it around my hair like Madhuri. I'd put on Ek do teen, shut the door and dance in front of a floor to ceiling mirror. I remember we were standing outside Siddhivinayak Mandir when Priya told me, Acting does not mean just a pretty face, what you feel has to reach your eyes'. I didn't understand it. But subconsciously I was soaking it in.

Any memories of your stint with television?
Actually, I had done a TV serial before Hum Paanch. Priya and I went to a local photo studio in Chembur. Priya brought the best clothes along and did my make-up and hair. She goaded me on to smile and pose. We sent those pictures with a resume written by Priya and got called for an audition among 900 people. Finally, 30 of us made it. I'd pronounce my words sharply those days because I had done a workshop with Satyadev Dubey at Prithvi Theatre. I hope no one gets their hands on this TV show. I also remember all of us sitting in front of the television on a Thursday evening to watch my first episode of Hum Paanch. (Laughs) I thought I was the best actress the world has ever produced. But reality of course hit me later. I was all of 16. I was awkward; I just didn't know how to face the camera. I made my film debut at 26. That was unheard of for a lead actress. Today you have Nimrat Kaur who has just made her debut. It's wonderful!

You were dubbed a failure' after Kismet Konnection and Heyy Babyy.
With Parineeta and Lage Raho Munna Bhai I had already experienced stardom. Following that, I picked films on instinct. I picked films for the wrong reasons. Like I had not done a typical commercial film, like I wanted to work with this director even though the film didn't have a great role. The director had not given me a script but he was too senior, so how do I ask him? Heyy Babyy and Kismet Konnection came back to back. I got praised for my performance in Bhool Bhulaiyaa but that got lost in the heap of criticism that Kismet Konnection and Heyy Babyy brought. The films did well but I didn't do well in them.

How tough was it to deal with the criticism?
Firstly, I suffered from a persecution complex; I wondered why the world was out to get me, why was everyone criticising me? They were slamming my weight, my clothes, my pairing. Sometimes we make things bigger in our heads than they are. Because the written word does have the power to influence people. But I conversed with the self, with whom I call God and also my family. It helped!

How would you describe the presence of your husband Siddharth Roy Kapur in your life?
He is the best thing that has happened to me. Nazar na lage (touches wood). I am blessed with the kind of family I am born into, my parents, my sister and brother-in- law, my niece and nephew and of course my second set of parents, my in-laws. They light up my life. If they make me me', Siddharth let's me be me.

What tip can you share for a good marriage?
Just be yourself. You'll be able to make your marriage better. I'm in a fortunate situation where we are both equal partners. But when you feel there is something off, stand up for yourself, hold your own, remain the individual you are. I know it's too early to dispense advice but I've observed that marriages that work are those where both are individuals first and share mutual respect. A marriage begins to fade when you marry a particular kind of person but that person eventually gets lost somewhere.

Do your parents miss you now that you're married?
No not at all. My parents and I stay five minutes away from each other. When I'm in Mumbai I visit them everyday. I do my gym workouts there. My parents, my sister, my brother-in-law and the kids, all live together. So it's great for me!

Can two actresses be friends?
I don't have friends or best friends in the industry so I don't know if I should be answering this. But it is also difficult to keep in touch with people beyond a film. As long as there is fondness and affection and no ill will, it's fine. There are people I am extremely fond of like Sanjay Dutt, Arshad Warsi and of course Dia Mirza, not because I am doing a film with her (Bobby Jasoos) but there has always been warmth between us. Every time Sonakshi Sinha and I bump into each other there's genuine affection that I feel. Even when you meet for five minutes it's nice, you feel good about it. Like Nimrat Kaur and I go back a long way. When Nimrat came to Mumbai, I was working with Dada (Pradeep Sarkar) and I remember meeting her there. We kept in touch over the years. But in the last few years we lost touch. I didn't know she was doing The Lunchbox. But I am so happy
for her.

How do you rate Indian cinema as compared to Japanese, South Korean or European films?
We're at a beautiful stage where different kinds of subjects and treatments are being explored. We don't have to make an Avatar to prove that we are up there. I find it stifling when people say we never make those kinds of films. We don't need to make those because they can never make a --- I'm proud to be part of Indian Cinema at this stage more than ever.

What epic roles in Indian cinema would you have loved to play?
I can't see myself as hopelessly in love with someone as Anarkali was in Mughal-e-Azam. (Laughs) I'd say get married to someone else and have an extramarital affair with the one you love! I don't want to get dafanaoed (buried)' for love.