Posted:
I am very happy with yesterday's episode.
Kunal's self-talk was high point of episode and it gave me Kunal I like to see. The pathetic fan in me is again ready to pen down few things. So here starts the torture.
Such self-reflections are most vital elements of Kunal's character. These self-talks show depth and complexity of Kunal and provides meaning to the character. It allows us to see beyond actions and make sense of his emotions. I await for such scenes. So self-talk was much needed piece to make some meaning. I am going to stretch a bit here to portray bigger picture.
When show started out, major theme for Kunal was rejection. Kunal was rejected by society at large, felt like an outsider in his own family, his GF rejected him so basically life rejected him. So eventually in return Kunal rejects life as we know it. He was living very nonchalant life, kept to himself and was superficially engaged to anything. But he was aware of the matter as what was happening. There was theme of some guilt as well which increased immensely when Anand died. So then comes along dear Siddhi. From very early on she was able to affect him in ways no one else could. Her presence in Kunal's life once again exposed him to life at more meaningful level. He again witnessed true joy, genuine concern, honest smile, innocence of life and will to persist and move ahead. What Kunal needed was acceptance. Siddhi not only accepted Kunal wholeheartedly, she loved him for being him.
So Kunal-Siddhi had formed very co-dependent relationship. Both became one and couldn't imagine what life if they are not there at every step. Siddhi truly became most important for Kunal. He smallest gesture meant world to him. Let the world do or say whatever, as long she is there, he doesn't care. Now when this very person leaves him, rejects him; he was shattered. Kunal had come to form sense of identity and sense of autonomy as Siddhi accepted him. But when she rejects him, things come to full end. How can the person who has became his life line so easily walk out on him, leaving him almost dead.
So when in temple Kunal said, "Kunal Chopra is dead, I believed him. Son of Raj Chopra (as he comes from his father) is dead. But more importantly, husband of Siddhi Chopra is dead. Because Kunal Chopra at time defined himself most based on his role as a husband. Later he uttered he is burning inside. The love and trust he failed to provide to Siddhi is burning inside him and it will be there for rest of his life. There is nothing left for him, no dreams, no ambitions, no life. Kunal Chopra sure died there.
But that is not all there. We also have this emotional turmoil there. If Kunal goes by what was presented to him about Siddhi, how she behaved and what she said in court and jail; she clearly rejected him. But his heart refuses to accept "his Siddhi" would do such a thing. Person who taught him to love, laugh, basically live simply cannot walk out on him like that. It just does not make sense "his Siddhi" would be so brutal with him. So this conflict raises too many question and extreme ambiguity about his life. What really is the truth? To deal with this conflict, too calm it down; Kunal drank heavily. He had questions but no answers and it was burning inside of him with each passing day so he gulped in as much as possible.
So Siddhi's absence in his life matched with intense conflict made Kunal feel lost. He no longer knew what life is for him. We were angry at Kunal right after leap as he was no longer principled, dignified man we all admired, well because he himself did not know who he was. His lines on, "mera aaina mujse mera Parichay mange" and fear of life, guilt of losing most important case and inability to look into mirror shows he had lost sense of identity. He no longer knew the man in mirror who was surrounded by rejection, betrayal, pain, too many questions and was alone. So that was not Kunal Chopra at all. It was just name, but no substance left.
So for 9 years Kunal unsuccessfully tried to manage his conflict, fire and pain within him. Once he saw Siddhi again, it broke lose. All the questions he couldn't get answers too, ambiguous feelings of rejection, betrayal, pure love all emerged together, as much more powerful force than before. This time Siddhi's words about being a Gold-digger even appeared to synchronize with her actions or life style, strengthen feeling of rejection and betrayal. But as those feeling rose high, so did his heart that refused to accept it. "His Siddhi" just would not do that. That is why time after time he fails to keep his distance with her. He can't help but go near her or protect her.
Best example is whole Abhay nonsense. The way things appeared, how Abhay presented his account about their relationship, calling Siddhi his pained Kunal to greatest extent. But still had hope Siddhi wouldn't agree so he told Abhay to go for it. When Siddhi fell, he had to be there. Then Abhay takes Siddhi away form him and Siddhi to walks away. So again feeling of rejection comes up, but his heart is not able to accept it and that's why we see him crying. The emotional turmoil takes over him adn he can't hold himself but question Siddhi on this matter. He sure gets harsh as pain is just too much. He wants Siddhi to say something, these questions are just killing him. If he really believed Siddhi would do such thing, why question her? But then again the way things appear, what does he do?
so really what pains him is Siddhi's absence in his life and this emotional conflict he can not resolve. All he can do is hurt himself for whatever is happening. His last words in train, "he can neither hate her nor forget her." Why, simply he loves her too much. No matter whatever takes place or can be presented about Siddhi, his heart ca not accept it. Heart wants what heart wants. First time I heard it, didn't make sense but seeing Kunal it does.
Now don't get me wrong. I am not completely satisfied. I want Cvs to portray this conflict and battle of question during 9 years. I mean there sure should have some actions emerging from this during 9 years like we see now. His actions, thoughts do show impassivity as just can't deny what is shown but can't accept it as true. CVs also need to tide this to his insecurity about Anand. If Kunal feels Anand is his last connection with Siddhi and he no longer believes in himself in himself or his fate, it can show emotional turmoil. I mean Kunal feeling if Siddhi can leave him for reasons unknown to him, well then anyone else compared to her is nobody.
So thank you those who preferred to be tortured and read whole thing.
Fan Fictions
Anupamaa
