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||STEAL ME FROM THE DARKNESS||
I know this was coming. It had been four months of our marriage and a month since we had told each other about our feelings. Each day was a torment for me, I had spent each one of them in a fear, and it was not that I was undergoing any torment, but I was suffering, mentally, and that was wholly due to me, and no one or nothing else. Whenever he tried to near me, I had some or the other excuse, and he had never doubted on me, not even in my dreams, he trusted me, and I was in a fear of constantly hurting him, due to the agonies of my past, about which I never told him. Being married to me, and in love with me, he had every right he should have, he had the right to love me, and claiming me completely as his wife was also his right, but I never let him, I know I was hurting him every time, every moment, but he never complained, he always agreed to whatever I said, and with a smile. How lucky I was to have him, and how unlucky he was to have me, but now I know that I had no excuses left, I can't stop him anymore, he had the right to claim me, as a husband, as a lover, and I have to fulfill it, don't I trust him? Yeah, I do!" I assuaged myself, "he would never, ever hurt me" I know that! Though I was trying to make myself aware of all these facts, but I don't know what, but there was something inside me, which was making me quiver even at that thought. He asked me today, if I was ready for it, and I couldn't deny, seeing the love for me in his eyes, his eyes reflected his ecstasy to claim me, to take our relationship to the next level, and I couldn't deny his love, his want for me.
I arrived earlier than him from the office today making some excuse, to prepare myself for this, as I had no courage left to face him anymore during the office hours as I could see his desperation for the moment, I thought that I would break-down in front of him, which I never wanted, and the remaining day passed with me staring at the clock, and as each second passed, my fear just doubled, and finally the moment came, when the doorbell rang, and I opened the door, and he entered inside the house, looking lovingly at me, his love for me was always a bliss, but today it seemed as if a knife, which was injuring me, brutally. I asked him to freshen up, and told him that I would prepare the dinner in the meanwhile, he smiled and kissed my cheek, which sent shivers through my body, and I knew a lot more was coming, and I was not going to deny that. As he walked into the washroom to freshen up, I went into the kitchen and rested my arms on the kitchen slab, and closed my eyes huffing badly, as a chain of the dreadful memoirs of my past ran in my mind, assaulting it yet again. I opened my eyes, and looked at my hands, which trembled profusely, I opened the refrigerator, and took out a bottle of cold water, and sipped some water from it, and sprinkled a few drops on my face to calm myself down. I was frightened, anxious, worried. I somehow composed myself and started making the dinner, messing things up as I was no more in my control, I was trembling, I was out of my mind, I somehow finished making the dinner, and when I was arranging it in the plates, the dinner I made after so many efforts, fell down. I don't know why, but tears inundated out of my eyes, and I didn't know the reason. Hearing the noise of the falling utensils, he came rushing into the kitchen and found me standing at a corner with tears in my eyes. What happened? Are you alright?" he asked with concern as he came near me and cupped my face. The dinner fell down!"I said and he looked at me surprisingly and then chuckled. And this is the reason you are crying for?" he asked, and I nodded as I didn't wanted to tell him the reason. Don't worry then, I am not hungry at all!"he said and neared me more, fondling his fingers over my cheeks to wipe my tears, he looked into my eyes with love and I knew what he wanted to do, and again an excuse came up in my mind, and I said, "I need to clean up the floor!" he sighed throwing his hands in the air as I escaped out of his grip yet again, and purposely took time cleaning the floor, as he sat on the kitchen slab. I asked him to go and sleep but he was adamant. I finished cleaning the stuff, and went to freshen up and deliberately took even more time. I stood under the shower, to let my sorrows flow down along those drops of water, and when I came out of the washroom almost after an hour; I saw him standing in the balcony, I know he was still waiting for me, and I had started feeling guilty now, I knew this was not going to work anymore, my mind gave up on me, I walked to him, and stood beside him in the balcony; he looked at me and smiled, while I reciprocated to it. I rested my hands on the railing and asked "didn't you sleep?", "I was waiting for you!" he said and slid his hand onto mine, intertwining our fingers. "Why are you trembling?" he asked as he felt me a little shaky, "Kabir, I am feeling cold here!"I made an excuse, "should we go inside then?" he asked me and my answer was "No, I am fine here!", "you are sure?"He asked me. It was a cold winter night. He neared me a little and wrapped me with the shawl he had on him, with both of us covered in it, he had hugged me from the back, wrapping both his hands along my waist, and we both looked aimlessly at the cloudy sky. He cleared his voice, and asked "Nisha, it's been a month since I had proposed to you, and even you having told me your feelings, don't you think it's high time we should move ahead in our relationship? And only if you say a yes!" I know why he was asking that again after he had already asked and I had already answered in the morning, I know he was trying to initiate it, and he wanted my permission, and I just nodded my head not looking at him, I saw him smile through the corner of my eyes, and realized how happy he was with my answer. He took no time to make me turn face him, he had his hands on my waist now, I realized my body succumb to his love, to his desires, though I was mentally somewhere else.
He sealed his lips with mine and closed his eyes, while he nibbled my lower lip, I realized a traitor tear escape my eye without my grant, and I wiped it away before he could see, I encircled my arms around his neck as he pushed me to the nearest wall, kissing me even harder, he looked into my eyes as he broke the kiss, as we panted heavily, I faked a smile, I made it a mask of mine tonight, and he smiled back, but maybe he had noticed something wrong with me that he asked, "you are sure, you are fine with it? If you don't want this, then we can wait! "I could see his love, and concern for me in his eyes as he said that. "I am fine!"I lied, and he smiled looking at me. He neared me again, and started giving off open-mouthed kisses along my neck, making me tremble. "I think we should go inside now, it is getting cold here!"I said with a smile, he took a minute to realize what I said, he paused, and then looked at me with evilness in his eyes, he waited no more and picked me up in his arms, and taking me inside our bedroom, he laid me over the bed. He stood there in front of me for a second, and observed every ounce of me, his gaze on me was enough for me to remember that dreadful night of my past, though this was different, this guy in front of me was the love of my life, and those, were bloody morons, who were dirt to this society. I kept looking at him, observing his moves, he looked at me and smiled, my heartbeats increased due to fear as he unbuttoned his shirt and lied down beside me, I was frightened as those wicked memoirs were intruding in between our union, I closed my eyes as I felt his hands roam freely over my upper body, making patters near and over my neck, I gasped due to the anxiety which aroused within me, I fisted the sheets in both my hands as came over me, and started kissing me wildly over my body. It pained me, though not physically but mentally, my body gave in to this, I could not tolerate this, I was paralyzed, I lay still like a corpse underneath him, he was making love to me, and I couldn't respond, though wanting to. Not only I was his need, but he too was my need, every inch of my body desired for him, for his love, for his warmth, for his caresses over me, but I feared every bit of it. I felt an icy feeling run along my blood in my veins as he undressed me, and within a few seconds we were just covered with each other's bodies, our bare skins were in direct contact, and we were covered with a silk quilt, he sucked me, bit me, and loved me, but I could no where see my body responding to it, and my hands were still clasping the sheets, trying to get some courage for myself. I don't know when, but tears again escaped my eyes, and I couldn't control them or wipe them off this time, I started sobbing due to the pain within me, I was hurting him by hiding the most dreadful truth of my childhood, the truth of my molestation, where I was helpless, and the truth which haunted me. I don't know when I had started to sob, and I screamed, and he stopped doing what he was doing, and looked at me with a horror-stricken face, he raised his head and got off me, he fondled his thumb over my cheek and asked me with utmost concern and love, "are you fine? Was I hard on you? Did I hurt you?" I could sense the pain in his voice seeing me in such a condition, he stood up from the bed wearing his boxer-shorts and ran out of room and came back within a minute with a glass of water in his hand, and I still lay there, crying my fear out, he could see how frightened I was, he made me sit straight on the bed as I covered myself with the sheets, he made me drink some water and keeping the glass aside and hugged me as he saw me still sobbing, "I am sorry Nisha, I am really sorry, I didn't want to hurt you, it is all my fault, I shouldn't have forced you into this!" he said as he stroke his hand on my back to calm me, how good can someone be? It was me who had destroyed our moment! It was me who had destroyed his desires! And still he is the one who had been making himself feel guilty as if he was at fault, when it was me. Could there be any other proof to tell how much he loved me? How much he cared for me? I felt dizzy for betraying him, for not telling him the truth, and I know it was high time I should tell him about my past, my horrific past, and he had the right to know it. I hugged him even tighter digging my head at the crook of his neck. He made me face him; he cupped my face and asked me, "Did I force you into this? Or was I hard on you, did I hurt you?" I just wagged my head negatively, "is there something Nisha, which you need to tell me?" he asked looking into my eyes; I held his hand and intertwined our fingers, and looking into his eyes, I said, "don't leave me kabir, after I tell you this, I can't live without you!", and he paused for a moment to understand what I wanted to say, "don't you ever think that I will leave you, I love you more that myself Nisha! Don't think like that! I am always with you!"He said, "Maybe you would change your decision after knowing the truth!" I mumbled and he looked at me blankly. "Freshen up first, I am waiting in the balcony with some coffee" he said and I nodded my head. I wrapped myself in the sheets and went into the washroom taking my clothes, as he walked out of the room. I went into the washroom and looked at myself in the mirror with seethe, I looked at those marks he gave me a few moments ago, and I realized how I had destroyed everything, I need to tell him my truth today, he should no more be kept in dark.
I wore my clothes, and walked out of the washroom, and found him sitting in the balcony cleanly dressed, and had his coffee mug in his hand, as I walked into the balcony, he looked at me and smiled, "you are fine now?" he asked and I nodded my head, "come here, sit!"he said and placed a cushion for me in front of him, but I went and sat beside him, leaning my cheek to his arm, and he carefully wrapped his hand around me, and stroke it on my arm, "don't you ever cry, I can't see you like that, if there's something which is bothering you, just do tell me, and I am there for you!", I neared him even more and cuddled in his embrace, I kept my head in his lap, while he slowly patted on my head, "now tell me, what happened?" he asked. I nodded my head and he wiped my tears away which just escaped out, "don't cry!" he said slowly, "tell me, what happened?" he asked, "I was just a twelve year old, kabir!" I started, "when?" he asked, "when this incident happened with me!"I told him, "what incident?" he sounded scared. I paused for a bit and said, "I was molested", and I could sense the coldness which ran in his warm body, and he trembled. "What did you say? I couldn't hear you properly!" he said as he couldn't believe what I said. "It's true!" I said sitting up straight in front of him, and looked at his eyes, which were moist by now and a lone tear escaped his eye. He waited for me to speak further; I wiped my own tears, and continued. "I was a kid, a mere twelve-year old little kid; didn't they have any sense of respect for girls? My friend was being molested by them, there was no one who could help her, I just couldn't see my friend in trouble, I jumped in to save her, and even managed to make her escape, and little did I know that I was trapped with them, I tried running away, I cried, I screamed for help, but there was no one who could help me then, and even my friend was not there, they covered my face with a cloth, so that I could not scream, or see what they were doing! I was just a kid with no mind but a lot of aspirations and dreams, I was helpless when this happened with me, and I was molested by each one of them, and since then I had turned myself into a cowboy Nisha, who knew no love, no feelings, I just kept myself packed in a shell since then, I couldn't tell anyone about this, and that is just a dark phase of my life, which has its shadows still in my present and that's the reason I couldn't let you near me, though I loved you" I said, and waited for his reply, but he just kept looking at the sky, I saw tears inundating in his eyes, I know he needed time, he needed space, and he stood up from his place walking back into the room, he looked hurt, lost, dismayed, I held his hand sitting there, and said, "please, don't leave me Kabir, I need you!" I pleaded.
He stood there for a few seconds deep lost in his thoughts, he turned towards me, and knelt down and looking deeply into my eyes, he cupped my face. "Why didn't you ever tell me that you had suffered so much?" he asked, and I could sense the pain within him, "because, I didn't wanted to lose you! I had started trusting in love just because of you kabir, how can I let you go away from me, I can't live without you, you are my life!" I said, pouring my heart out to him. "Don't you trust me, Nisha? Don't you trust my love for you?" he asked. "I do kabir, and that is why I didn't want to lose your love, I feared losing you, once you get to know about this and may be that is why I couldn't tell you this, I didn't want you to hurt yourself for me even if you don't leave me!" I told him, he held me through my shoulders, "Why would I even leave you, I love you Nisha, and my love is not just limited to words, do you understand that? It's just you who is precious to me! I don't know why you thought that I was going to leave you, but the truth is that I would never leave you, I can never leave you, and your past doesn't matter to me, never, it's you, your present and your future, which I need with me, I really appreciate the way you fought with the darkness, and I am really glad to have such a courageous girl, as my lover, my wife! Not everyone is as lucky as I am Nisha, trust me, you were, you are and you'll always will be the best part of my life! I swear on that!" he said and kissed my forehead with that. A smile of contentment made its way to my lips, "I love you Kabir!" I said as I hugged him, "I love you too Nisha and more than you love me!"He exclaimed and I chuckled in between my tears. He smiled and wiped off my tears from my face, "don't worry! I can wait till you are ready for us! Even if it is a lifetime!" he said, which washed off all my pain, letting it exit from my mind and soul, I was free of my guilt of hurting him, and only LOVE remained between us.
He helped me stand up, and as he walked into the room, I followed him and hugged him from the back. "Thank you so much Kabir, for being with me, for being mine, for loving me so much!"I said keeping my head against his spine, and I heard him chuckle, "and do you want to keep hugging me like this tonight?"He asked as he turned around to face me, and I blushed. "Kabir, can I ask you for something?"I asked him, "whoa! You are asking me that can you ask me something! Is that really you? The same Nisha, who is a question bank? Who speaks like a chatterbox?"He asked making me chuckle. "Do you have anything else to say?" I asked glaring at him. "Of course you can ask me for anything! I am definitely your husband but that doesn't mean that you have to take permission from me, you are free to do anything, don't make me a rule of your life, but a part, which is just filled with love!"He said, and I kissed his forehead, just to witness his handsome smile, "Kabir...I wanted to say that..." I kept pausing in between my words, due to shyness, "what...do you want to say?" he asked curiously, "can you tell me, what love feels like, tonight? Can you make me yours, and only yours, forever!? Can you mark your name on my soul? I want us kabir, just us, I want to forget that darkness completely! I am ready for this, I am ready for us!" I said as he looked at me surprisingly, "A while ago you told that you were not ready, don't do anything for me Nisha, take your time, you space, I told you I am in no hurry for this!" he said cupping my face, I just took his hands in mine, and said, "I trust you Kabir, I know you will take me out of this with your love, your love is everything that matters to me, just love me tonight, trust me, I won't be repenting due to it later, I want you, I want us!" I said closing the distance between us, "you are sure about this?" he asked, taking me in his embrace, and I just nodded my head against his chest, and he kissed on the top of my head, "just trust me then!! I'll make you forget all your pain, just be with me!" he said picking me up in his arms, while I blushed and dug my head in his chest. He laid me down on the bed and I stretched my hands in air inviting him into my embrace, and as he came into my embrace, I wrapped my hands around him, and keeping my lips against his ear, I mumbled, "I want to see all your love, no compromises, no guilt", "I promise this will be our best night, no compromises, no guilt, just love!"He said against my ear. "Love me then" I said showing him my ecstasy by biting a little on his neck, and he groaned a little.
He crashed his lips onto mine, and kept nibbling off my lips, while my hands traveled in his hair. I unbuttoned his shirt, and helped him take it off him, and he got me rid of my top and gazed keenly at my petite body, "you look beautiful!" he said, and I smiled, and said, "It's all yours! Take it!" I said and looked at him with love and lust, he moved down my body, and holding my waist, he kissed, and sucked, and teased my navel, while I arched back moaning his name and pulled his hair slightly, and as I felt him do that to me, I felt fireworks within me, he moved upwards and he brushed his lips all his way to my neck, he started placing wet open-mouthed kisses along my neck and then chest, he intertwined our fingers and pinned my hands down to the mattress, he bit me on my jaw line, and as he moved down again, I opened my eyes and looked at him while he made love to me, I had no courage in me though. I gasped, as he slowly opened the knot of my shorts using his fingers, and slid it down, while I asked him not to, and he came near my ear, and mumbled, "Just feel my love, you won't be frightened, it's going to be great, that's my promise", and I nodded my head. As he removed each hindrance between us, and we covered each other with our bare bodies, his feel, his moves on me were just beautiful and enthralling, that I couldn't help, but get so lost in this feeling, that all I could derive from it was our love, passion and pleasure and I could see that the darkness, my pain had faded away as all I could see was us. He kissed and sucked every, every ounce of me, giving me my well-needed pleasure. He was doing as he promised me. I rolled over him and gave him his needed pleasure. We kept rolling and cuddling each other, till it was the time for our union. He gave me no pain while he did that, and instead it was a beautiful feeling. The whole night was spent by us loving each other as much as we could, and ended up in each other's embrace as we got drained out of our energy, "was it as I promised?" he asked me while I cuddled my over-strained, petite body into his hard muscular body, I looked at him lovingly as he kissed on the top of my head, "It was more beautiful than you said, the best night of my life" I said wrapping my arm around his waist, "there are many, many more to come" he said and chuckled, while I blushed. No compromises, No pain, No guilt, Just Love.
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