DARK LOVE
I never knew that she had been suffering from this. I, for the first time met her at an orphanage where she grew up. She was playing with those little kids, she looked cute, and maybe I had fallen for her then itself. I was a documentarian back then, I loved to wander around the world and capture beautiful moments in my camera, and even that day, I went to that orphanage to make a documentary on those kids, who had no one with them, I wanted to capture their feelings, as I knew what they might be going through, as even I was one of them, I was an orphan, just like her, just like them.
I had a month to complete my documentary, and I used to see her every day, see her smile, see how she enjoyed her life, and gradually I had started talking to her, and we became good friends. She had some enchant in her which used to draw me towards her and I would find myself somewhere near her every now and then, she slowly had become my addiction, I was now quite sure that I had fallen for her. whenever we used to talk, I would get to know a lot about her life, and she was a lot like me, she was a replica of me, she had lived her life all alone, as I had. I felt a strong bonding between us, as the time passed. I started hinting her of my feelings, and even our destiny was with us, to draw us closer to each other every time. I didn't know if she had the same feelings for me as I had for her, but she always showed a liking for me, and at times, she used to reciprocate my feelings, and hence I assumed that even she loved me. I never told her about my feelings back then; I just had them held inside my heart, as I never wanted to ruin our friendship if it wasn't love, but hinting was always on the run. We started going out on dates, actually not dates! We would go along for trips in the local areas, as I was new to this place and I had no information about it. We got a lot of time to spend with each other, and I was falling more and more for her, for her nature, for her beauty, for her minds, everything! I just loved the way how she always used to handle things around so maturely. She was so friendly with everyone, she had a golden heart. I couldn't stop myself anymore, I wanted her to be the girl of my life so desperately, I went to her and told her about my feelings, no matter what was going to happen, I just had to, and I did and kissed her without thinking twice. For a few minutes, there was a complete blankness between us; I expected a thrash on my face which I hadn't got till now, instead she summoned my name sweetly,
Kabir..."
I looked at her with hesitation and guilt, but seeing those beautiful, dove shaped eyes of her, I got lost again in another, beautiful world. And she waved her hand in front of me taking me out of my trance,
Hmm..?"I hummed in response.
Do you really love me..?"She asked.
Yeah! I do!" I said in a fumbling voice.
Then, will you marry me?"She asked, which was quite unexpected, and I couldn't utter even a word for a few seconds, I was in a shock of it.
Kabir...I asked you something...!"She said waiting for my answer.
Do you want to marry me...?"I asked in reverse.
Only if you'll never leave me, like everyone did..."she said, and I melted away as I saw tears escaping her eyes, I understand her, having had gone through that same phase in life.
I will never leave you...I promise...I really, really love you!"I said and took her into my embrace.
We soon got married; it was not a grand one, as we had no one except a few to share our happiness with. It was just a few friends of mine and a few members from her orphanage and few of her friends from her workplace. It was a silent matter, and on our wedding day, I got several advices and tips for our marriage, which were quite funny and weird, and one out of them, which was from the caretaker of the orphanage was the weirdest of all,
Mark my words, she will never let you leave her" said the caretaker, and I couldn't understand whether it was a praise or a warning by the tone in which she said, but I forgot about it completely as the time passed. We went on a honeymoon, to spend some time alone, to get to know each other, and to spend some romantic moments, and definitely it was so beautiful. We spent several crazy moments, several romantic moments, we got to know each other better, and this trip didn't only bring us closer physically but emotionally too, and we explored our love in a better way. We grew too, too closer to each other, that we could see nothing except us, and even when we returned to Ooty, where our home was, we would not leave each other for even a second, I felt myself complete, I felt that my lonely dark house got it's brightness again, with her entering into my life, and I was so glad and lucky to have her in my life. She was the perfect woman, every sensible guy would want in her life, she was just perfect!
As the time passed, our bond not only got strengthened but also got deeper, and deeper, and so much that I could never expect my life without her, she had slowly become the reason for my every single breath. She just got dissolved in every part of my life, an important part. Our relationship has just got stronger and stronger with time, but just with a few complexities. She used to behave weird at times, being all over possessive, which looked like obsession sometimes, behaving all clingy and moody at times, which was quite weird, but I chose to ignore, thinking it to be her love for me, and all her actions would leave me in awe of her and I would melt right away. But soon as the time passed, her actions became something which were out of my understandability, I was so curious about her behavior. She had become much weirder, she had turned into someone else, and I could clearly see that, and she was not the girl I got married to! I had been going through several restrictions which were made by her, she would stop me whenever I had to get out of the house for my work, I still remember how once I had joked that I was going to leave her, and how she took it so seriously that she fainted, and after that I never ever dared to joke on such things in front of her. she has begun following me everywhere if I ever used to go somewhere, she would just keep hanging to me, she would not let me get out of her embrace, she would get anxious, she would get panicky and would start wailing whenever I used to deny to her suffocating rules, she would even get out of her own control and would start trembling and would plead me to not leave her, and for no reason, sometimes she used to warn me that if I ever happen to leave her, she would kill herself. My life had slowly become a prison for me, and I was no more a free bird, a wanderer and I was trapped within the four walls of my own house. I started making excuses to get out of the house, to spend some time alone, but my excuses never ever worked, as she would start seducing me, and as I had no control over my love for her, we would end up with another make-out session, and later she would not even let me get out of our bed and would keep cuddling to me, forcefully. I didn't know why this was happening, but everything was getting out of my hands, I developed a fear of being in the house, and she even made me shift my desk job to our home, I felt as if I was trapped, completely trapped, and for the first time I felt that I should leave her but I was tied up with her, I loved her and I wanted her, and hence I had no way. But one day, I had to go out urgently, I didn't inform her, my job was at risk, and I couldn't afford losing that, I just somehow managed my escape and went out of the house, I had a heated argument with my boss and finally managed to retrieve my job. When I came back home, I started finding her as she was nowhere to be seen, I went into our room and got horrified seeing the situation there, everything was messed up, and she was sitting there at a corner with herself folded up into a ball, and she had been hugging her legs, I walked to her and called out her name,
Nishaa..."
She looked up at me, and her eyes were all red and swollen, she had been crying, I neared her a little and shook her and asked her what had happened, but she didn't reply, I held her hand and she winced in pain, I turned her hand towards me, as I felt something wet, and to my shock, she had cut her wrist and blood was flowing out of it and her other hand had a knife, her condition pained me severely, and also aroused the anger in me, I don't know why she had done this, I just slapped her hard and shouted,
Are you bloody out of your mind?"
You promised me that you would never leave me, but you left me all alone!"She said which shocked me.
Nisha, I just went to my office, that's it" I replied angrily.
No! I called your office! You weren't there! You were at your boss's house na? In her bed?" she asked me and I wanted to just hit her for saying that.
Nisha...just stop uttering whatever that comes in your mind! Are you even thinking! What made you even talk like that?"I shouted.
What has happened to you nisha...why have you changed so much? "I asked and broke into tears as I couldn't see her in that condition, I embraced her and she calmed down, and she cried.
What are you doing to yourself...? I can't see you like this!"I said.
Don't leave me! I can't be without you!"She said in a weak voice touching my face with her blood-dripping hand.
I will never leave you! Don't you trust me?"I asked softly.
I do...but I never want you to leave me, like everyone did, I had been all alone in my life kabir, and now that you are with me, I can't live without you! I can't let you go!"She said which wrenched my heart.
I will never leave you!"I said assuaging her.
Kabir, I am sorry if I had been a burden on you, you can do whatever you wish, you can join back your office, you can do whatever you want, but please don't leave me..."she said while joining her hands in front of me in a trembling voice, and I scooped her in my arms and made her lie down on the bed, after I had bandaged her hand, I lied down beside her deep lost in my thoughts with my hands protectively wrapped around her and she snuggled into me. I didn't know how I should be handling this entire thing, which was out of my control.
I started going to the office from the very next day, but I would make sure that I had called her or at least messaged her whenever I was free, and even she had joined back her office, and things were quite normal for a few days, she behaved normal with me, until one day when we found out that she was expecting our first child, I don't know but I had a premonition that this day was going to come, I feared this. It had been just a few months, and she's already expecting, I was quite happy about it, but at the same time, I wasn't, because I knew what her mental condition was, she was weak, and with this child stressing her, I can't lose her even more. She was very happy, so was I, but I can't afford losing her, she was my life. Though I never wanted to, I went to her and told her to get an abortion done, as this was not the right time for us to become parents, I never told her my reason, as I never wanted to hurt her,
Nisha...please! Try and understand! We can't have this child right now! Please get it aborted!"I said.
But kabir...this is the symbol of our love! How can you even say that so easily?"She said.
I know! But I just don't want it now! Please try and understand!"I said.
Why don't you say that you can't bear another burden and that you just wanted to get physical with me, you only wanted to satisfy your hunger by spending those days and nights with me! That's what you wanted right? I was a play toy for you? "she said and abused me as much as she could and I could do nothing but listen to her, with her words pricking in my heart. I went and sat alone on the terrace after she slept with each and every word of hers piercing within me, I cried my heart out, how I wished a normal life with her and how it all got shattered, wished I would have died long, long ago along my parents, but I don't know why I was saved then, I wanted to jump off the terrace right then, and my gaze was constant at the railing, but then I had her, and my baby in her womb, and I could not afford to lose them . I was in pain, an acute pain. I sat there remembering all those moments since I had met her, they were beautiful, and realized how slowly they changed. And suddenly the words of that caretaker came rushing in my mind, as if a blessing. I remembered what she had said, and luckily I had her number in my phone, without a second thought I immediately dialed her number, and she picked it up,
I knew that you were going to call me!"Were the shocking words of the caretaker.
Please, help me!"I cried.
You want to leave her?"she asked.
No..i don't want to...I just want her to be with me...my whole life...but not like this..."I replied.
You seem to love her so much?"she asked.
I love her more than myself, I can't see her like this..And now she's even expecting...I don't know what to do...please tell me what's the problem with her...?!"I asked.
She paused for a moment, and then replied, "She has a phobia", "what phobia?" I asked.
She can't be alone, she fears everyone leaving her, and that's what is happening with you...she loves you...and never wants you to leave her...she even..."she didn't continue.
What? she even?...please continue that!"I asked.
She even tried killing her friend due to this...but don't worry! She wouldn't kill you...but you have to be careful, she can harm herself..."she said and I got horrified.
She told me how she had a troubled childhood, she had no one with her, she was an orphan, she had been staying in that orphanage since she wasn't even a year old and her parents had died in a road accident. She used to behave weird at times, she used to be depressed, and she had no one to share her feelings with as even her friends would stay away from her due to her behavior, and once a worker in the orphanage had tried molesting her, she cried for help but everyone was busy in the festive celebrations, and she had been morbid since then, she had no one to share her pain with, and hence had turned herself like this, she developed this phobia, this phobia of abandonment. And that's the sole reason of her behavior. I never knew she had suffered so much, she never told me about this, her pain was more than mine, and her reason for her behavior was completely justified.
After I was done talking with her, I dialed my friend's number, who happens to be a psychiatrist, as he was the only one who would have a solution for this, I morbidly told him about the whole thing, and he assuaged me that he would come the next morning and would have a check on her, but he told me not to tell her about him being a psychiatrist, and I agreed. Next morning, I woke her up with a kiss on her forehead and a smile; I apologized to her about my behavior, and even she did. I had started understanding that what she does is not what she means; it was just a compulsion for her, which neither she can deny nor the people living with her. I told her that my friend was coming up to our place, and she just smiled. I hugged her, expressing my pain, and cried a bit digging my head at the crook of her neck, I have always got a solace in her embrace.
I am sorry! I just got frightened!"I said, and she wiped my tears and pecked me on my lips, and that was enough as an answer.
She stood up, when I held her hand smoothly, I pulled her a little towards me, and kissed her belly, and she ruffled my hair with a smile.
Do you trust me nisha?" I asked her.
Why wouldn't I? "was her reply, and I just smiled and wagged my head.
An hour later, my friend came to our house, he tried observing nisha's reactions whenever she was with me, and he really noticed the difference in her behavior. And later on, he left and then he called me, and as I picked up, he said,
She needs psychotherapy kabir! You'll have to get her to my clinic! There's no other way!"he said, and I agreed.
The next few days went in vain, in me trying to convince her for her check-up, I never told her about this psychotherapy, she told me that she is not going anywhere and that there's a time for her regular check-up. I was frustrated; I didn't know how to convince her, but one day, she suddenly got to know about the whole thing when I was talking to my friend, and she got angry at me, her behavior had changed again, and she started shouting at me, throwing things at me, and this was yet another reason for her to misunderstand me, I had no way, no bloody way, than to get her to the clinic, I can't see her like this, and even our baby was suffering due to this, I just had no other way, than to threaten her that I would kill myself if she doesn't listen to me, and I was successful, she got ready for this. And I took her the very next day to the clinic; it was so painful to even see her in this condition. She pleaded me that she doesn't want to be here, and several times she had tried running away, she even tried hurting herself, but I never had let her plans be successful, as she was needed to get cured, anyhow!
The psychotherapy had made her even weaker, she had lost her strength completely, she was excessively stressed, her mental strength had suffered so much and due to that she had a miscarriage, and this even contributed to her deteriorating health, she would just keep silent, she never used to talk, or shout, or anything, she had just become a walking corpse, and this was even painful. A few months passed, with us continuing her therapy, and she had understood that something was wrong with her, and that she needed to change, she had to change, she had understood that she had created an insecure environment around her, and that there was no such thing, that it never existed, she had started understanding my love, that it was never for my physical needs. She knew a little, how much I loved her. But she was not completely fine, but she was trying to be, she was getting to be, and I was happy. And within three or four months after her miscarriage, she was again expecting, and I was happy this time, as she was changing, she was improving, and I had no fear of the baby stressing her, as now she knew how to cope with it and till the time, our baby was born, she had improved, transformed back into my nisha, the girl whom I loved, the girl whom I married, and with this we started our new life, which had lesser complexities, and more happiness.
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