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Hey guys howz everyone doin?? Making a post after nearly two days, feels refreshing. Guys since two days I have been working on an SG os, trying to put all my sensibilities and understandings abt sajan behavior into it. But after reading aani's post, my views abt it underwent even a brighter change. So I edited my climax a bit. Hope you will find it appropriate. Like all my OS it's a long one again. But there are two very special things abt it. First its related to sg's confession and second its writing style is hugely inspired from Novoneel chakraborty's "a thing beyond forever"…a masterpiece in itself. Some expressions or words are a copy of that artwork only, coz I just found them so befitting here. So here it is guys, my take on the current SG scenario.
15 Oct 2010, 10:00 AM (Excel college, Samrat's cabin)
An uncanny eeriness engulfed the most imperative corner of excel , one of the most celebrated colleges of Mumbai, and no prizes for guessing, it was it's trustee's cabin only, the focal point of all the most crucial activities that took place in this metropolitan college.
But today things seemed a little different, the guy sitting inside the cabin , excel college's respected trustee, Samrat Shergill, seemed submerged in a world of his own. He looked like a lost man, not at all like his usual carefree and jovial self.
The reason, the girl sitting right in front of his eyes, at the other side of his table, being all twitchy and restless, sometimes she looked at the door, showing off a desperate wait, and the next at her watch. He felt irritated.
"why is she behaving so weird?? Why can't she just be normal with me on this date?? As if…as if it really affects her!! " he shook his head in denial.
"If it really affected her, she wud have definitely said it by now, how many times does she expect me to take the first step….to provoke her?? " his unanswered confusions and queries annoyed him all the further.
Suddenly the crackling sound of the opening of the door shook samrat out of his overwhelming thoughts. There was no knock , obviously it meant that the person at the door was Mrs. Indhira Shergill , samrat's mom, one of the only two persons allowed to enter his cabin without a knock, the other sitting right in front of him.
"Thank god mam!! you are here" gunjan jumped off her chair suddenly as if she had been sitting on the edge all this while dieing to see her. Samrat's irritation amplified.
"Why gunjan?? was samrat troubling u " asked mrs. Shergill in a sarcastic tone.
Gunjan's cheeks turned scarlet red in embarrassment. She immediately looked towards samrat and almost instantly tried to shy away from him.
"No…NO..its not lyk dat"…she stumbled…"actually mam I have some important job to finish and then a class scheduled as well so I was just felling short of time..." gunjan tried to justify her uneasiness.
"Gunjan-Samrat, just now both of u have to leave for a very important meeting, in lonavala, this evening."
As soon as gunjan's mind registered Mrs shergill's words, her forehead began to sweat and palms turned cold. For this very day, she in no way wanted to be alone with samrat, afterall what all happened between the two of them in the past three years.
Samrat sensed gunjan's uneasiness even before she herself cud come up with an excuse for it. Though her behavior made him all the more angry, but still, he surely didn't want to trouble her when she was not willing to face it herself.
"I think I must make an excuse to mom, I know she doesn't want to come along" samrat thought to himself.
"Mom is it really necessary to go today??i mean..i am having a really bad headache, cant we postpone it for some other day??" he tried to convince his mom though he knew it was almost vain.
"co'mon sam , dear u cant stake the affairs of the college just like that!! and that too only coz u have a headache! the meeting is in evening son, so just pop a pill and go on" she sounded firm.
Samrat knew there was no use. And frankly speaking he himself cud'nt comprehend the reason behind gunjan's awkwardness! Why was she so uneasy with him today??? why was she not willing to come along??? Just bcoz it was…it was their very "confession anniversary" today?!?
"CONFESSION ANNIVERSARY"…as soon as the thought hit samrat's mind, almost every letter of the word seemed to engrave itself within him, each followed by a hundred beautiful yet poignant memories behind. The day when he confessed all his love to gunjan, when he told her that how much he felt for her, and what significance she holds in his life…"what a day it was", he thought, most probably the happiest day of his life, NO…not probably, surely IT was the best day of his life.
Samrat continued to remember the very day with an overwhelmed heart, the memories now literally took the hell out of him, and in a trice, all his emotional defences seemed kneeling down. His heart pounding hard against his chest.
It was the most eternal moment of his life, he is sure of that, but now…now what all filled the air between him and gunjan was a vacuum, a vacuum of uneasiness. Suddenly Samrat felt all claustrophobic being there in that cabin with gunjan, his gaze was stuck at her, his moisture filmed eyes asking a million questions to her, questions abt her indifference, abt her silence.
Gunjan jolted seeing thru his eyes, they yelled and begged her to speak up and replace the vacuum between the two of them with freshness of love n companionship. She tried to speak, even she wanted to do it too, but again , her internal guilt, and obviously the presence of mrs shergill, halted her midway.
"Mam cant we get this meeting arranged here?…I mean here, at excel???" gunjan tried to repair things sensing that correction wasn't anymore possible.
"Its urgent gunjan, pls understand" mrs shergill's stiff words were enough for her, now she had no option left. Finally she and samrat were leaving for Lonavala within a while.
15 october 2010, 1.15 PM (parking area of excel)
Things happened as planned. Much against her wish, gunjan sank herself into the front seat of samrat's car, a gleaming, milky white merc, it was as spotless as anything. Samrat too positioned himself comfortably on the driver's seat, just next to her. Fastening the seat belt, he applied the keys and turned the ignition on. Within a flash of a minute, mrs shergill, who came to accompany samrat and gunjan to the parking area, saw their car disappearing down the road. A peaceful yet mischievous smile shined on her lips…"It was all planned".
15 october, 1:45 PM (Samrat still driving the car along the highway that lead to lonavala)
Nearly thirty minutes had passed and there were still 45 more to go till they reached lonavala,
located almost 111.5 kms away from Mumbai, a clean 1 hr 15 minutes drive. In the past thirty minutes, neither did gunjan nor did samrat said anything, just they shared some eyelocks and a few more one-sided glances. The uncomfortable silence between the two, still made gunjan very edgy. The songs playing on the music player provided mild relief but that too in gaps, whenever a melodious romantic number played, it was so ironically idiotic that somehow the lyrics of each of them matched so stupidly to samrat and gunjan's current situation, and gunjan became more uncomfortable. Those words, tunes and beats somehow made the emotions too overwhelmed to handle. Now, It was becoming all the more difficult for gunjan to sit like that beside him, she felt suffocated. In order to relax her stiffened muscles a bit n slow down her pulsating heartbeats, gunjan bent down, and rubbed her hands thru a few things underneath her seat to find it- a bottle of mineral water. As soon as she got a touch of its plastic skin, gunjan gripped it in her hand, and within no time, she quaffed its contents into her mouth. As the water explored down her gut she felt a bit relaxed, a lot more into her senses. She felt much more comfortable now.
But Suddenly, almost making a mockery of gunjan's slight relief, samrat's car halted with a jolt, making the two of them fall ahead twice with severe jerks, the reason- inertia ofcourse!
Gunjan was startled. "another problem!! ", she exclaimed to herself, as if what all was happening wasn't enough.
"I'll just go and check the front" samrat said to gunjan while moving out of his seat.
Suddenly black clouds began to hover the afternoon sky. Gunjan cudnt believe her eyes, it was turning all like a husky twilight. As soon as she got out of the car to check if samrat cud get what was the problem with the car, a cold water droplet hit gunjan's palm and another her cheek. As soon as her gaze moved above, to look at the hazy sky, just as a simple reflex to the raindrops hitting the different parts of her body, she found her specs coated with droplets and her vision going nearly transluscent. Gunjan shivered, and tried to move closer to samrat.
"What happened??" gunjan asked in a timid tone.
"I don't know chashmish, everything is just right in its place, I am not getting where the exact fault is" samrat mumbled still engrossed inside the engine.
The rain grew fiercer, the worse being the clouds that growled just above gunjan's head. She quivered inside hearing the blasting sound of the clouds, but tried to calm down , almost simultaneously. The sequence of events repeated, rain, a flash of lightening, more rain followed by an explosive roar of the thunderstorm. But the last being the most scary!!
Within a trice , Gunjan gripped samrat's wrist as taut as she cud, her nails almost piercing his epidermis. A wave of current passed down samrat's spine, her touch initiated that ofcourse. The motion of his hands inside the engine paused abruptly and his brows rose in a flash. His eyes first stopped at his hand still held tightly by her and next straight into her eyes. Her eyes had an innocent fear of the storm. She looked here and there terrified of the water around her, still holding onto his arm.
Right-left-right-turn…and straight into his eyes, samrat looked at gunjan with a piercing glance. His eyes filled with a million questions, "why?!?why r u doing this to me chashmish??? Why so that u can depend on me, hold my hand in fear YET u cant say!! Why chashmish??? u look out for me, want me to be by ur side, then why the hell you don't speak up!!! Answer me damned…I need an answer to my queries" his silent questions hit gunjan in the heart. She trembled more.
Ungripping her hand from his wrist gunjan moved away from samrat, two innocent tears rolling down her cheeks , got almost merged near the end of her lips and mixed with water. She breathed heavily, her lips sucked with water. She cudnt face samrat anymore his presence seemed haunting, weakening her terribly.
Within a flash gunjan turned away from samrat and ran from the spot with the maximum strength remaining in her legs, she ran, ran without a thought , and her pursuit for relief from his questioning eyes, finally coming to an end inside a dark barn. It was a shady place just a few metres away from the spot where samrat's car had broken down.
Gunjan breathed heavily. Her dress was completely drenched and so were her eyes, her tear glands almost ready to burst. She closed her eyes tightly trying to squeeze out all the tears she cud. Her sobs pulsating in her chest vigourously.
All of a sudden gunjan felt samrat's presence behind her, he was close…very close. So much so that she cud feel his warm nervous breaths falling on the wet skin of her neck. Her muscles stiffened as a reflex. Sliding all her hair on the other side of her neck, samrat rested his quivering lips on her bare right shoulder. Somewhere something exploded within gunjan. She felt as if all her life squeezed into that one moment- nothing before, nothing beyond. No bracket of the past or the future-just the delirious dot of the moment! and she found herself almost drowning into the passion of it. A few seconds passed with both of them lost into the eternity of the moment, as if time ceased to move on…their souls almost mingled into one another.
A shriek of the clouds outside- gunjan's brows rose in a flash realizing what was she into. She pulled herself away from samrat with a force, sam jerking slightly backwards as a reactive force.
He was left shocked.
"stop it samrat…plsss stop it" gunjan shivered , her voice breaking continually.
Samrat felt disgusted, was he really doing something wrong? Atleast gunjan's gesture claimed that. He fumed, grabbing gunjan's wrists he pushed her against the corner pole of the barn, her hands handcuffed by his tight grip.
"Why??? Why are you doing this damned?? dont u realize I love u??? stop this stupid chase chashmish…why are u running from me?? and running from urself??" samrat almost shouted out of anger.
" u r hurting me samrat" gunjan tried to liberate herself from his grip.
"No its not me, its u who r hurting urself chashmish and me too" samrat tightened his grip further.
Now samrat was so close to her that their lips almost touched. Gunjan tried to avoid his piercing eyes.
"look at me chashmish…just look at me" samrat's rasp voice made gunjan tremble, she looking straight into his eyes now. Films of tears were easily visible in gunjan's eyes.
"why cant u come back chahsmish??? why?? this was the day we confessed our love to each other, opened our hearts to each other, and what not, we surrendered our souls to each other…then what has happened now??? tell me chashmish…whats the difference between that day and today???"
"the difference is there samrat" gunjan shrieked releasing herself from his hold, her sound resonated behind.
"difference is there…" the words created an emotional smoke that made gunjan's vision blurr. Teardrops rolling down her cheeks.
" from the past three years samrat, I lived all alone, alone in this belief that if mine and jiju's life was all jinxed then it was bcoz of you, and that thought gave momentary relief to me , coz for all the while I believed that we were suffering bcoz of u, I cud come over from the guilt of leaving ur side, of breaking your trust. All my hatred for u seemed worthwhile. But then, then u came back, back into our lives. Made us smile again, live again, and since then my guilt started overpowering my hatred for u all the more. Even before I cud understand that whether my decision to part mine and jiju's life from u rather than feeling the pain together and consoling each other was right or wrong---di came back!! I was happy , it seemed as if my life, my guide, my savior is back to me, life became so more hopeful after her return. But then…amidst all that happiness, all my actions, my perceptions, rather my whole identity, in the past three years started becoming blurr. I was myself not able to figure out that in the past three years,
what I did to u, what I did to myself, and most importantly what I did to us, was that of any worth or not?? Was the reason I gave to my behavior really huge enough to compensate for my loss, for ur pain, for our broken relationship??? "
Samrat was easily able to sense that gunjan was on the verge of her breakdown. He didn't move, neither did he say a word, he just wanted it to shed it out and move on.
"what do I do samrat?? U tell me?? How can I accept your love back when I..I am myself not sure that what I did to you was correct or not!! U are ready to give me a fresh start, a new happy beginning, but I am not!! I am still not ready to forget the pain , the loneliness, the distrust u suffered, probably bcoz I was too stubborn to accept the fact that "whats written as a part of our destiny, cant be mended by anyone…not by me, not by u even". what do I do samrat…u tell me ..what shud I do???" gunjan cudnt speak further, though her throat felt choked way to earlier but now she was completely out of words.
Seeing her being so vulnerable, samrat moved closer to gunjan. Cupping her face , he made her look straight into his eyes.
"chashmish…u are talking of the past…and I am talking of the future. I know what u mean, u think that what all we suffered, what all we went thru, was may be bcoz u didn't let ur heart overpower ur mind. U knew chashmish that what all happened was just a foul play of destiny, u knew that I never intended to make that loss, but still it was difficult for you to let go of it…let go of my negligence. But chashmish doesn't this happen with all of us?? When I used to misunderstand suhaani and mom, do you remember how I used to react?? The way I actually never did…I even shouted at you in front of everyone. That must have been so hurting for u, despite that what all you did was for me only. But still chahsmish, though I was actually wrong, but according to me, acc to my emotions, I was right. It's the same with you as well chahsmish, what all you did, it gave pain to not only me but to both of us, but then according to your emotions you were right!!
So whats the need of repenting over that now?? You love me chahsmish, and in that sense you had the right to punish me, to decide for me, so what if u were right in one way only , and somehow you completely ignored the fact that what all happened was a part of destiny, but isn't that obvious being human? We often prefer to blame ppl around us for things we cant comprehend ourselves. Thats human nature…so what if you did it?? I never expected you to be perfect."
Samrat's words, as of a fresh change, made gunjan ponder over them. What all happened cannot be repaired, for it is a part of a time and era that wont ever return. Rather life will move on…further…and their present decisions will affect their future.
Moving even more closer to gunjan, samrat placed his warm hands over hers.
"chashmish u r my soulmate…u had that right. Believe me if u had this right to trust me, so to distrust me as well, if u gave me happiness, u had it in you to give me pain as well. What all you did was not heavenly perfect but circumstantialy and humanly justified".
"and seriously Its ok chashmish…if you still need time. I just wanted you to vent out, to speak. Its just that your silence made me terrified. I will wait…wait till you are completely over it…even if it takes you a whole lifetime for that. But till then pls promise me that u will try at least…try to not run away from the past, but rather try to accept the present and live for the future. And for that matter, I promise to you, that your best friend, your best companion is always with you. Whenever you find yourself in any confusion, in any dilemma, pls don't hide it from me. bcoz much before lovers we are friends chahsmish…right"??
After such a long time gunjan realized that she felt the same comfort around samrat, she used to feel during the days of college. She was not trying to run away from him, not trying to avoid his gaze. A faint smile shined on gunjan's lips , she moved closer to samrat and hugged him tightly, trying to squeeze out all her pain into that embrace. There was nothing abt the hug that was sensous or an expression of passionate love, but it was rather, just a friends emotional crash into the arms of another friend. ---period---.
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***In every friend there must not be a lover, but in every lover there must reside an everlasting friend***
Feedback is anticipated guys - gud or bad…both.
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