hi all ...so am not sure what i am doing or will do ... just know this that i have been slightly low due to the depressing track and wanna see it wind up soon; perhaps frustrated by boredom and inspired by some dear friends - here I am today to present my new OS.
Dedicated to some dear friends - namely: - Gina, Pari ,Aashi, Aarthi, Ayesha, Meens, Shruti, Jyoti, Navs, Mads, Ragz & scarily to Diya - scarily as her FF seriously intimidated me - man she is the best writer I have had the privilege to know & the honour of calling a friend.
sorry sorry - damn what is it today things def arent going great in this way - Mallu i didnt mean it o course hun u are there - can i make it up still - consider this short SS as a birthday gift Sweetie pls i hope u r not made anymore really didnt mean it - just that I didnt realize i missed u 😕 didnt mean it sweetie 😳
so here goes nothing.......
( P.S : - I am really freaked - haven't written for so long - don't count my posts here :P )
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why cant life be easier - suddenly it's a task - merely breathing ... what has my world and life come to - what am I doing ? what all is happening ? ... I was in my own world thinking things and what has my life come to as I poured down the whiskey that adorned my table emptying it's content till there was none.
in a matter of few seconds it was over - to think once I detested this - was rebuked by the mere smell of the thing and now .. now it has become my need - a daily necessity - Ha - what a joke life has made of you Samrat Shergill... really and to think you always felt - you could win be happy, have love in your life - ha - what are the odds ? stupid - it was sheer stupid to even think this - why, why does fate have to always hurt me so much - as if my childhood couldn't have been any more miserable now I am also carrying the brunt of a broken heart...
3 years ago life was more beautiful then a dream .... today it is worse then my worst nightmare...
my love, my Chashmish... you are everything to me - I love you.. more then anything - and yet I am not with you today... a lonely tear escaped my eye and rolling down my cheek fell on my hand... looking at it I wondered - so there are more left of these ... sometimes it made me wonder how ... possibly how come 3 years of incessant crying - each night and day - yet my eyes still shed these - why cant they just dry away .... people say tears release your emotional distress - shedding them is a way - to vent - so as to not pile up things too have them gone to far away ...
but I wonder if this is true ? cause if crying did make things okay then why does still the heart hurt - bleed even when tears refuse to go away ?
tears - this I suppose is your day - if not for all - I pray really - but hopelessly true - mine and for her - today - just happens to be your day...
I leaned back on my sofa as my head rested and I closed my eyes... only to relive the horror, helplessness and the new hurt - that I felt today....
Enveloped comfortingly - by my new and only friend - darkness - these days - the only one who hasn't yet betrayed me nor shows the signs of ever walking away....I found myself sinking into the pool of memories...
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oh god what a day this is - damn why can't you find things when you need them? - to say I was stressed as hell was putting it mildly - ever since I had taken it upon myself to take Excel to a greater heights ideas had come to my mind - then again if not for me or my happiness - yet I was still so happy to have them by my side - yes them - my closest friends - my love and him - the guy who in my heart to me is my brother from another mother- Gunjan & Mayank.
their inputs and suggestions helped me make this proposal even better the week before I had convinced the other board members to do this - expand excel and come up with new things - a hostel, new courses and curriculum - god I never knew running a college had processes as tedious as these - back in those days as a student it was all so simple - to be on the other side - but then again if this meant they were here - My Chashmish and Mayank - I am fine with any amount of stress that may come my way - somehow just even without realizing it there was already a smile on my face - merely thinking about her...
god soon please soon let me have that day when I can have her again with me - ah - I held her after so many days - her softness, her smell - nothing - oh nothing has changed... the way she clung to me - wish we could have been so always... she is just as naive as ever, innocent and a little scaredy-cat - somehow a laugh escaped me and the reminder of the look on her face made my day ...
if anything at all has changed besides the attire she wears now is simply how much more beautiful and stunning she has got - something which just seems to grow by the day...
thou you won't admit it now but someday you will Chashmish - that you came back to excel for me - as now even you cant stand us being away.
Hope again soared my heart as it filled with glee... as I once again recalled our moment the other day.
leaving the last was as usual a hobby to me now but that day it couldn't have been a better one - as I saw chashmish fumbling with the knob of her locker in staff room to keep the documents of students records safely like each day.
It's been almost 2 months now - yet I can't understand why wont you talk to me normally - thou we see each other now every day - what is it chashmish ? what ? you could come my way anytime you know it.. you joined excel as a counsellor - that day and I was over the moon - yet you said this decision has got nothing to do with me and we will be merely professionals - if not me then what can make you come back here and stay ?? god why wont you just admit it ? fine I'll wait - till you are ready ... I'll be here always in your way.
she now noticed me and I was lost ... she ignored me as usual but then I made my way to her - " it's been 5 minutes and that locker is still troubling you ... let me help - I'd get this fixed tomorrow "
" I am fine.. really I don't need your help - you can leave " she curtly replied and again forced to open the locker but gave up and pulled away muttering under her breath 'stupid locker' .
finally I had to intrude I held the handle just as she was about to give it another try - the sensation of her slightest touch could still send ripples through me and it seems she felt the same - we were lost in each other's eyes for a few moments as flashbacks of old memories came flooding - the moments that had defined our relationship with each passing day.
she snapped out of it and looked at our hands still at the handle - hers in mine - where it should be - it belongs and tried to pull away.
" Mr. Shergill could you please excuse me." - it hurt to hear those words when it felt so right - was so right yet wasn't what she wanted today....
"please you are getting late and if I am right these are your files.. the assessment of those students you met today."
" yes it is - and someone was really in bad shape, needed to be helped right away which is what kept me here till so late or else I would have left by now."
"I understand and so please let me help you - your locker door is jammed you cant keep this files in the open and it seems there is no other way."
she relented finally and I got to work - seems like over enthusiasm got the best of me... and in my bid to open the locker I jerked open the door to strongly - so much so that the handle gave away breaking on me ...
great simply great - the look she gave me - man I was done for...
" fabulous ... simply great now thanks to you I really don't need to worry about my drawer's jammed door or rusty handle - they aren't even there to bother me now ..'
"chashmish... I am sorry - god I don't know how it happened I guess I never realized my strength or how strongly I pulled the handle - it just came off I am sorry i promise I'd get this fixed first thing tomorrow morning.'
" that is your problem Samrat - you never realize things until they are too late - and not all your mistakes can be fixed."
It wasn't just the locker or the handle now that came crumbling that blow made me feel the same way and I could do nothing except keep quiet.
then just as before ignoring me she began to empty the contents of her drawer - some more files; a few books on psychology, a few folders and a picture of her and Nupur hugging on our engagement day...
" what are you still doing here ? you may leave I'll handle the rest.."
" the door is already broken then why are you emptying the locker ? what are you goanna do with all this stuff when you need them each day - you aren't planning to take all this home right ?"
" you guessed it right till this door is fixed that is the only way - I cant keep my things in the open and these documents are too personnel to be misplaced or mishandled - I hope you know that."
" I do.. but still this is silly ? there is so much stuff here how will you carry this ? and what if it doesn't get fixed in 1 or 2 days ? the carpenters these days - they don't do stuff so quickly - also I was planning to get some work done in the college anyway - please carrying all this no matter even if for the next 2 days will be silly and besides too heavy."
" well i know that already but there is no other way as u know already i cant keep this stuff here nor is there any other locker that is empty or could be used as a substitute in the mean time for the next few days... I'd just have to manage somehow thanks to you."
I tried to make myself seem as strong as possible however - my voice somehow failed me as did my eyes - I only realized it as I heard myself saying it to her " If it is me that has caused you to have this problem then I should be the one to bear the brunt of things..." she looked at me as I continued almost immediately - " you can use my locker"
" you don't have a locker Samrat .. I mean Mr. Shergill."
" It's ok you can call me Samrat .. Ms. Bhushan I wont fire you anyhow all the faculty members address me by my name - you might have noticed - as for the locker I do have them not here but in my office this is staff room remember and I am the trustee - I have a office where there is a locker definitely - you can use it "
Samrat' office - his locker - god no it'd mean I'd have to meet him no matter what ALONE - even for a few seconds each day - TWICE - " No thanks.. I'd manage "
alright if for her I have to be tough and rude fine.. but I wont allow her to carry all this by herself twice a day so that she could sprain her hand with this much load someday
"Ms. Bhushan I think you didn't hear me I am the Trustee - and so you must do as I say - you may not want any help from me but as your boss my orders are for you to obey. these documents are confidential yet they are of students so that makes them Excel' property and hence I cant allow you to carry them to you home each day - until the work here is done you will do as you are told. now lets keep these in my office you pick up these papers while I'd carry the stuff on the table - am I clear ?"
Irritated she agreed - " yes Sir'
And so picking the files we walked towards my office
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