Ten years ago, I was 22. I was also a monumental, gigantic idiot. I had everything I had ever dreamed of and that which I hadn't. He walked into my life without any warning and before I knew it, before I could even blink, I was head over heels in love with him. Rishabh Kundra owned Madhubala Malik. There wasn't even a debate about it. My heart, my soul, every inch of my existence knew it.
He knew it, too. And he loved me just as much, if not more. I don't know how I got that lucky. One night, I was in his arms and it was bliss. I kissed him on his nose, like I always did, before I finally left. I remember running home because I was late, deciding on the way to finally tell my elder sister about him. I had never kept a secret from Trishna. That too for six months! And yet, when I got home, I was the one who got the shock of my life. My sister had tried to kill herself with too many sleeping pills, leaving just a note that said 'sorry'.
Babuji wasn't in town that night, and for several seconds I did not know what to do. I had been such a total idiot that I did not know and hadn't even noticed that my sister was in so much pain she could kill herself. It took a long ambulance ride and two long hours in the emergency room for me to even snap out of that shock and call Babuji. All I could think of and the first thing I did when she got conscious again was how Trishna had managed to keep a secret from me so big that it could kill her. She was the emotional one who couldn't hide a thing. I was the perceptive one who was supposed to know. As I said, I was an idiot.
"He doesn't love me, Madhu. He loves someone else..."she said when she finally woke up.
"Who?" I didn't even know that Trishna was in love with someone! How is that possible?
"Rishabh. I love Rishabh."
No, there weren't two Rishabhs we knew. But Trishna was the one who had known him for longer than me. Trishna was the one who had loved him longer than me. Trishna was the one who was saying aloud she loved Rishabh enough she could die for him.
Trishna was the girl I wanted to be.
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Nine years ago, I was still an idiot, except a selfish idiot. I looked at him, holding Trishna's hand after they had just exchanged rings. He was staring at me with anger. He was angry because I had mercilessly broken his heart. He was angry because I had no better explanation than 'I never loved you, I was just having some fun, now it's over'. He was angry because I made him promise never to tell Trishna about us. He was angry because his best friend was going to be his wife and he couldn't tell her that her sister was a lying bitch because that would hurt her too much. His anger was justified. But even though several months had passed since the night I had announced an unceremonious exit from his life, he hadn't left mine. Even though several months had passed and I had run into him enough, despite trying, I wasn't used to the hatred in his eyes yet and my heart still cringed.
Then his eyes softened and he looked towards Trishna. Trishna looked more beautiful and happier than I ever remembered seeing her.
She was the girl I wanted to be.
Mujhe Khabar Thi Woh Mera Nahin Paraya Tha
Pa Dhadkanon Ne Usi Ko Khuda Banaya Tha
*********************************
Six years ago, I was the idiot whose whine you've heard so many times you don't take it seriously anymore. I was home for vacation for the first time in three years. Babuji couldn't understand why a PhD took so much time I couldn't make one trip to India in all these years. I didn't have an answer. Inevitably, my sister came over to see me. She loved me too much and hated me for not staying in touch. I remember opening the door. She stood there wearing a red georgette sari, glowing with happiness, arguing playfully with him who was holding her by the waste. She hugged me as soon as she saw me, but for several seconds I couldn't hug back because I was stunned by a visual of everything I had lost. All evening, I saw him looking at her with affection. He looked at me too, and I was somewhat relieved to see the anger no longer there. But there was only indifference, and that stung too.
Then over dinner, Trishna held his hand and announced to both Babuji and me that they were pregnant. Babuji was so happy he cried. Rishabh hugged her and told her he loves her.
She was the girl I wanted to be.
Main Khwab Khwab Jise Dhoondta Phira Barson
Wo Ashq Meri Aankh Mein Samaya Tha
********************
Three years ago, I was a lonely idiot with a doctorate degree that nobody would hire. Too many people graduate each year in the US with my major, they said. There are not enough jobs. Babuji couldn't understand why I didn't move back to India. Frankly, I was running out of excuses. Then, one day, everything changed. Babuji broke down as he called me. Twenty eight hours later, I was standing in front of the pyre of my sister. She was the girl I had spent seven years being jealous of and I didn't even get a chance to say goodbye. To say sorry for not loving her as much as she loved me. Instead, I had held a two year old Vyom in my arms for the first two hours since I got home, was trying to make him stop crying and sleep. He wanted to know why his mother wasn't around. I didn't know how to explain to a two year old his mother had thrown himself in front of a wayward truck to save him and his daddy. I didn't want to be the one searching heartbreaking explanations for a little soul, or the one holding my father in his arms while he trembled in pain. I didn't want to be the strong one who didn't get to cry the loss of her sister.
Finally, I walked to him as he stared at the burning pyre with hollow eyes.
"I am sorry..." I muttered. I didn't want to be the one rendered speechless, but I was.
He didn't even look at me. His eyes were on the girl who gave him love, friendship and eventually her life. The girl I wanted to be.
Tera Qasaar Nahin Jaan Meri Tanhai
Ye Rog Maine Hi Khud Jaan Ko Lagaya Tha
****************************************
Today, I am still an idiot, I guess, but I don't know how to characterize it. It's been two and a half years since I became Madhubala Rishabh Kundra. A marriage of convenience - just what every girl dreams of. He didn't want to marry me, of course, but first his dadi and then babuji convinced him. For Vyom, they said. It just made him hate me more.
Only once in these two years has he held me in his arms. Only once has he shown me any kind of affection. Only once has he wiped my tears. That was the day, six months ago, when Babuji passed away with a heart attack, leaving me all alone in the world when I didn't want to be left back. That night, he made me sleep in his arms, unlike every night before and after when there is eighteen inches between us on our bed. When I opened my eyes that morning, there were a few moments till I remembered reality and the pain of Babuji's loss hit me. But just of the interlude of those few moments, I was safe, warm and protected in the arms of the man I have loved all my life.
Just for that interlude, I was the girl I wanted to be.
Taman Shahar Mein Ek Woh Hai Ajnabee Mujhse
Kejisne Geet Mera Shahar Ko Sunaya Tha
This morning, Vyom called me "Mumma" instead of 'Chhoti Ma' Rishabh taught him to call me. I could see he got mad when he got up and left. You can't control a four-year-old's love. He couldn't yell at a four year old, but I am sure he will yell at me when he gets home. I just have to be ready to listen and not say anything as usual, I tell myself as he walks in.
Surprisingly, he doesn't say anything. He's thinking about something, I can sense, but he sits quietly. Vyom is already asleep and I have nothing to do because I was expecting him to yell to me. When he says nothing for a while, I get up and try to think of some work I can do till he's asleep.
"Vyom really loves you, you know." He says just as I am walking out. I stop.
"I love him too."
"Are you sure? Because if you're just having some fun with him..."
"Rishabh! He's my child!"
"I am just saying, if you're just fooling him, I don't want my son's heart to be broken mercilessly in your game when you decide you're bored and simply walk away."
His words have acid and I have no retort. This is my punishment for being a monster to him all those years ago. I accept. I lower my eyes and wait for him to say whatever he needs to. I don't have a response. I don't have control on my tears either.
He doesn't say more though. He just stares at my tears. My feet won't move until he takes his gaze away, I know, so I wait wordlessly.
Then he speaks, but he doesn't say what I expect him to say.
"Trishna loved me..." His voice was soft.
I nod, not knowing what to say.
"Trishna loved me enough to give her life for me." He continued. I thought of the accident again. I wasn't there, but I had heard about it enough to have a visual of it stuck in my brain. How I wish I was there! How I wish I could be the one who jumped in front of the truck. Rishabh and Vyom would still be safe. Trishna would be alive. They would be happy. And my misery would be over.
"Trishna told me she had tried once before." He says, and my eyes shoot up to him. "She told me a few months before she died, how she once had a misconception I was in love with someone else and she had tried to kill herself. She was apologizing for not having enough faith in me." I turn my eyes away again. I had made Trishna promise not to tell anyone she was stupid enough to consider suicide. Even to Babuji, I had said that I had a misunderstanding, and that Trishna had been hospitalized because she got food poisoning which made her unconscious.
"She loved me so much she gave up her life. By dying." Rishabh continued to talk. He was now standing, only a few feet away from me.
"You loved me so much you gave up your life. By living without me." He adds, his voice now slow and painful.
I look up at him in shock. I don't know if I have heard him right. He wasn't supposed to know. He was never...
"I...I...no...I didn't..." Words are failing me, but his eyes have got my eyes and I can't look away.
"You don't love me, Madhu?"
"I..."Where are words when you need them?
"Will you lie to me on my face, again?"
"It was a long time ago Rishabh."
"Yeah. A long time ago. That's what I have been telling myself since the day we got married. It was a long time ago. But I can't help being angry. I have been so angry at you these two years Madhu, because I couldn't forgive you for lying so brutally a long time ago. I couldn't forgive you for not trusting me, or Trishna for that matter, with the truth. I couldn't forgive you for crushing my love - and your own - so callously as if it meant nothing. But I am tired of being so angry at you. I am tired of watching you suffer silently every single day and somehow your suffering does nothing to reduce my anger. I am tired of seeing you punish yourself when you look at me with so much longing assuming no one can notice. I am tired of resenting your love for my child. I am tired of being annoyed by your care for me and dadi. I am tired because nothing reduces my anger at you for being such an idiot ten years ago. So tell me again, are you going to lie to my face one more time?"
I close my eyes as tears come out in a flood. Rishabh's words have broken a dam and I have no control any longer.
"Rishabh" his name is all I can say as I break down. I fall forward, but he catches me and I hide my face in his chest.
Immediately - but after an interminable wait - his arms come around me and I hold him tight.
"Rishabh I am sorry. I am so so sorry." I ramble.
"Madhu" he says, and I look up to face him. His eyes don't have anger anymore. Just a mix of care and helplessness. And something else.
"Madhu" he speaks again as he wipes tears off my one cheek, though more fall. His tears are falling too, and that's a sight I cannot take. I put my palms on his cheeks, absorbing his tears.
"I love you, Rishabh. I love you. I have always..."Finally the words that have lived inside me for ten years spilled out.
"Shh...Madhu" he whispers as my sobs continue. I wrap my arms around him and he tightens his grip. He kisses my forehead.
"I love you too Madhu" he says and I pull away to look at him. I want to see him say that. I want to believe.
"You really do?" I ask and he nods. "I love you Madhu"
"Will you forgive me?"
"I already have" he says and kisses my forehead.
"I am sorry..."
"It's ok Madhu. It's in the past."
"I love you."
"I know." he says and kisses both my eyes. More tears fall, but the emotion is getting adulterated.
"Stop crying. You've cried enough." He says. I reach over and kiss him on his nose.
His lips touch mine and I close my eyes. Slowly, gently, I feel him chew on them. My hand reaches his hair of its own accord and I pull him closer as a decade-long thirst desires to be quenched. He pulls away after a while, then takes my hand and brings me to bed. He makes me lie down, then hovers above me. His face is inches apart, I can feel it but I shut my eyes for fear of waking up from this dream.
"Madhu" he calls, and I open my eyes one more time. His eyes have love. Just love.
"I love you." He says.
"I love you too Rishabh" I say as he brings his lips over mine one more time. Soon, our tongues fight for dominance as an old passion rekindles. I feel his hands over my waist and shiver with a joy. He doesn't ask for permission. He doesn't need to. I was always his.
"Madhubala Rishabh Kundra" he whispers as he collapses on top of me after coming inside me. I smile because it's the first time that name sounds right.
Tonight, I am finally Madhubala Rishabh Kundra - the girl I always wanted to be.
