Mann yeh saaheb ji
Jaane hain sab ji
Phir bhi banaye bahaane
I look at myself for the tenth time in the mirror before finally leaving the room to go downstairs. Raj is still not home but I am going crazy here in this room. I don't know why I feel so anxious, so nervous today. This sari...maybe is too much. But red is Raj's favorite color, so I have to wear red, right? But maybe this backless black blouse is a bad choice. I don't know what came over me that I bought this. I have never worn these kind of clothes before. But it does look kinda nice. Maybe I should wait till Raj comes back home and see if he likes it. The other day, when I wore that red gown, he was so happy. He even played a song just for me in the party. The mere memory brings me goose-bumps even now. The way he had looked just at me during the entire the song, and especially the way he whispered in my ear the lyrics "zindagi, ab tum hi ho" after the song ended. I catch myself in the reflection on the large glass window and see myself going red. Madhu, stop behaving like a teenager. We are just going to go for a dinner. Plain and simple. It's a formal dinner, and this sari won't be out of place. So stop fretting over it. And it's not like Raj's opinion matters. He probably wouldn't notice anyway. It's not like this is a normal marriage, or Raj is a normal...Shut up girl. Your brain runs in all kinds of random directions these days. And for heavens' sake, stop pacing around the hall waiting for Raj, these heels hurt! I begin to walk back to my room when the doorbell rings and forgetting everything else I run to the door. Raj is here! Wait, do I look okay?
Naina Nawabi Ji
Dekhe Hain Sab Ji
Phir Bhi Na Samjhe Ishare
Damn, why is it so hard to look Raj in the eyes these days? He said something about leaving in 15 minutes and God only know who is talking on the phone with even after coming home, but even from the kitchen I can barely look at him because he's looking straight at me. I keep glancing every few seconds because I can't help it - he looks gorgeous in this black suit, damn you're starting again Madhu - but every time I turn in his direction, our eyes inevitably meet. Why is he staring at me with this strange gaze? Oh damn, now the tea is over-boiling. Where is your attention Madhu? But why is Raj looking at me? Does he like my dress? No, he would have said something if he liked it right. Anyway, can't hide here forever. Let's get him his tea, and then time to go to his party.
He looks so grown-up and serious all of a sudden, sipping his tea, and listening intently on the phone. He is not even looking at me any longer. Fine, I came and sat here so it's an awkward sideways angle for him to look at me while I can ogle him just fine. Still, he looks so...different. Don't get me wrong, I was the happiest person on earth the doctors told me that Raj's condition was reversible and it was in fact that villainous Abhay's medicines that had kept Raj's brain underdeveloped all these years. It's been three years now, but I still remember the day so clearly. At least he had the decency to return Raj's father's company that Abhay's dad had wrongfully overtaken. Still, he deserved to go to jail for everything he did to me, and especially to Raj. With me, he just broke my heart, but he ruined Raj's entire life. Anyway, things are so different now. It didn't even take a year for Raj to almost completely outgrow the impact of the medication, and now in the last two years, life has changed so much. And this home...this home and my dancing school is my entire universe. Everything seems so perfect. And yet, some times I feel something is missing. In some ways, the old Raj - the innocent, kid Raj - was so much more uninhibited with me. The way he smiled at me, the way he needed me, the way he hugged me when he was happy and told me everything on his mind...there was something precious about those days. Now, he is suddenly my husband, a handsome fully-grown hardworking man, but he's become so much more a mystery. He is always there with me, but he shows his care in a very different way. How I wish...how I wish I could just hug him right now, for no reason. In children's world, no explanations are needed. But in the adult world, even in this world where we are husband and wife on paper, I can't do that, can I? How did it suddenly become so awkward? We are happy, we have everything we want, and yet, somehow, these days I can't seem to stop wanting more. Am I...am I falling in love with my husband?
"Madhu, shall we leave?"
"What?" I ask, jolted out of my distant world.
"Where are you lost? Shall we leave for the party? Sorry the call ran over."
"Yeah, sure. Let's go."
Kaise Huzur Ji Yeh Lab Dikhlaye
Chuppi Laga Ke Bhi Gazab hain Yeh Dhaye
Why is he so silent today? He has been answering me in mono-syllables ever since we got in the car. Is he tense about something at work? But his voice didn't seem tense. He seems more like...like he is thinking about something. But what? Why wouldn't he tell me? Why wouldn't he use those beautiful lips? For talking, if not for something else. Ok, there I go again. Focus on the lips. I mean not the lips, I mean the fact that the lips are not moving. Oh damn, I mean, focus on the silence. Why is he not telling me? He shares all his problems with me. That is the basis of our marriage...our friendship and trust and the fact that we share everything with each other. Raj really is the friend I never had growing up. He helped me deal with the truth of my parents' death and even with grandma's death a year ago. I am so grateful for the way he always understands me. In fact from the first day of our marriage, he has always known when I was in pain or needed something and he has always brought me joy. But it looks like I am unable to do the same for him, because I don't even know what he's worried about. Why wouldn't he tell me? Maybe I am not good enough for him anymore.
"Why are you pouting? What's wrong?" he asks.
"Me pouting? No. You're the one sitting all tense and silent and not telling me anything! Am I not good enough for you anymore?"
"What? What's wrong with you today Madhu? You were lost somewhere at home, and even now you are sitting there all grouchy. For someone looking as beautiful as you're looking tonight, the only expression that should be allowed is a smile."
Wait, did he say I am looking beautiful? I instantly break into a huge smile. Oh yeah, that's how much self-control I have. Thank God it's dark outside, I am sure I am a little red right now.
"See that's better. Now you look gorgeous, biwi."
"What did you say?"
"Umm...I said...the sari is nice."
"No, you called me biwi."
"Oh. I don't know. I guess it sounded nice. You are my wife. But if you don't like..."
"No I like it. Call me biwi."
"Ok biwi" he smiles. Damn I love the smile. How I wish he's always sitting next to me smiling. Biwi - I like the sound of it.
Surkhiyan Hai Hawaon Mein , Do Dilon Ki Milne Ki
Arziyan Hai Nazaaron Mein, Lamha Yeh Tham Jaane Ki
This party is turning boring so quickly. I hate these big formal parties with these Mumbaikars. I guess I will always be a small town girl at heart. And Raj is not paying me any attention either, surrounded with a small crowd at all time. I walk towards the garden and pick a glass of soft drink on my way out. Damn, this tastes funny. Did I pick up alcohol by mistake? Oh, I better not drink this. Who knows what these high society people drink? I wish Raj didn't bring me to these parties. Okay, it doesn't taste so bad on the second sip. What is this anyway?
"What is that you're drinking?"
Raj is here! My heart leaps for no reason at all, as if I am seeing him after a year or so, even though it's only been a few minutes.
"Oh...I don't know. I thought it was a mocktail, but it tastes kind of funny."
"Show me." He takes the glass and sniffs, and manages to look cute even while doing that. I wonder how he would look sniffing the glass if he was shirtless. What? Did I just think that? Damn...I have become a loose immoral woman hanging out with these loose high society people. But is it immoral to fantasize about your husband? But Raj is not my husband...not that way at least. We are just friends. There are supposed to be lines. But why are there lines? Oh God! This must be alcohol I drank. I am crazy. I am imagining things like...
"Sex on the beach" he says.
"What?" my mouth gapes open. What is he saying?
"This drink, definitely not a mocktail, biwi. You're not drinking any more of this, unless you want to get drunk."
"Oh... How do you know all this?"
"Well, Bittuji taught me when he did all those etiquette classes. These parties are so boring. I wish I didn't have to come here."
"Hmm"
"Do you want to go home?"
"Yeah, but only if your work is done."
"I have done enough for one day." Damn, his smiles are so amazing. There should be a tax on whoever drew those lines in our relationship. I wish I wasn't married to him, then I could openly flirt with him. Wait, is that woman checking out my husband even when she is dancing with another woman? How cheap of her? Does she not know he's married?
"What happened? Why did you stop suddenly?"
"That woman. She..." is checking you out and I am furious.
"What?"
"Nothing...she is my friend. Raj, do you want to dance for some time before we leave? The music is nice."
Ah, the smile again. I am so done. Being this close, moving together, our eyes lost in each other...yeah, this is not perfect. Nothing feels amiss anymore. Maybe, maybe this is the way it was always meant to be. Maybe the only way destiny had to bring us together was the convoluted painful path that our lives took before we met and were thrown into this reluctant relationship. But now, now with our feet moving just as much in tandem as our hearts are beating, now we are here together and maybe this is the way it was always meant to be.
"Where are you lost again, biwi?"
"In you."
"In me?"
"I mean...you are such a good dancer."
"Only with you, biwi. Remember you were the one who taught me?"
I smile. We have so many happy memories together. We have really built a life together and maybe we have now created enough joy to overcome the pain of our past. This life right now is so...
"This is perfect..."I say aloud.
"You are perfect biwi. And you have given me a perfect life, lifting me out of those dark corridors where I was lost all my life. Without you..."
"Shh...the past is past."
"Yeah. The past is not important when the future is as beautiful as you."
I look deep into his eyes and recognize what that strange look means. Raj's passion seems to reflect what I am feeling right now in my heart...this unnamed feeling that is taking me over. Can he sense it too?
"Raj...I..." and words dry up. Great.
"Let's go home, biwi. I can't share you with the world anymore."
"Then why don't you make me completely yours?"
He smiles. He knows. I look away, unable to control the blush. I feel his hand on my bare waist and a current runs down my spine with his touch. It's time to go home.
Dheere Dhere Naino Ko Dhere Dhere
Jiya Ko Dheere Dhere Bhayo Re Saibo
CID
Kyunki Saas Bhi Kabhi Bahu Thi 2
Cricket
Mannat Har Khushi Paane Ki
