Date: 5th June 2014
Time: 3.43p.m
Place: The bridal chamber, Eastnor Castle, Herefordshire
Mood: Bolt from the blue.
*The day before the wedding*
"For you!" Leela squealed placing a rather large gift basket at the edge of Nakusha's king sized bed.
"Who is it from?" Nakusha absently asked, as she slipped off the last of the pink glass bangles on her left wrist.
She had just had a late lunch with some close acquaintances of her finace. Maybe they were family friends, or was it workmates? It could have been distant relatives too, she didn't remember, nor did she care to recall to be honest, not that anyone truth be told cared. They were far too hung up about how amazing the wedding would be. Ironically so excited about her wedding that none of them could even get her name right.
"It doesn't say," Leela finally managed still toying with the basket.
Nakusha now turned around to see the gift basket.
"Ok, wow," She stated as she admired it.
"I know!" Leela added smiling goofily.
"I'm like eighty percent happy for you and like twenty percent jealous." She laughed, poking Nakusha.
"Haha, L, but seriously no note?" Nakusha was now curious.
"No, none-"
Leela had barely even gotten her words out when there was a knock on the door;
Nakusha frowned.
"It's ok, I'll get rid of whoever it is. You've had enough of the Jerk clan for today,"
Leela mocked as she headed for the door,
"Sorry to disturb you madam, but I have a note for Dr N Jain." The concierge informed Leela, as he handed her a small envelope.
"I'll pass it on, thank you Robert," Leela smiled at him; as she looked down to read the name;
Scrawled on a cream envelope in black ink she made out: Rosebud.'
"Rosebud?" she asked, confused.
"Ooops, I think you have the wrong room, there's another wedding tomorrow isn't there? Maybe it is for that..."
"What did you just say?" Leela was cut across by Nakusha who came rushing forward practically snatching the envelope from Leela's hand.
"Naku it's not yours-"
But again she was cut across;
"Who gave you this?" Nakusha demanded from the concierge.
"I'm sorry Madam, I don't know, it was handed in at reception."
"Did you see him?" Nakusha asked desperately,
"Sorry, I'm merely the messenger." He noted her disappointment and so quickly added:
"I could ask for you-Jenny-Jennifer," He quickly corrected himself;
"Jennifer would have seen whoever dropped it off, it came with that basket," He pointed to the gift basket on Nakusha's bed.
"It got left behind when Jennifer handed you the basket," he told Leela.
"How long ago?" Nakusha instantly asked, her heart beating really fast.
"Naku what's going on?" Leela was now concerned.
"How long ago?" Nakusha repeated.
"Not long, about twenty minutes." Robert was now breaking into a sweat.
"Thank you Robert," Nakusha fished out some cash from her purse and handed it to him;
"Thank you." She repeated, as she ushered an utterly confused Robert out, with his very generous tip.
"Ok, seriously what in the world is going on? Why are you so worked up? Who gave this to you? And since when have you been Rosebud?"
"L, I promise you I'll answer every single question of yours, but not now."
"But-" Leela spoke furrowing her eyebrows.
"L," Nakusha looked at her;
"I need something from you." She told Leela.
"What?"
"A favour. A huge favour." Nakusha spoke her eyes still fixated.
Leela noted something, there was a sense of realisation there, whatever it was, it could wait, for now all Leela knew was that her best friend was asking for something and she be damned if she didn't help her now.
"I'm all ears."
"Remember a long time ago I told you not to worry about me?" Leela was listening intently, indeed how could she forget, after seeing Nakusha's rapidly deteriorating relationship with her mother, Leela felt awful.
"Remember how I also told you that when I need help I'll ask for it?"
"Yes."
"Well," Nakusha began, before she touched Leela's arm;
"I need your help."
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One week ago
This was the umpteenth time she had noticed him.
He had been there when she arrived at the hotel sat in the lobby reading a newspaper. He was there the next morning at breakfast hovering over the buffet table, but not really eating anything. He was even outside in the courtyard when Nakusha stepped out for some fresh air after what was shaping up to be a disastrous morning with her so called in laws-why did she care that the doves had escaped early-but when he turned up at her mehndi she grew suspicious. As far as she could remember she wasn't introduced to him-and she was introduced to a lot of new people the past two days, folks she knew she'd never hear of again, but nonetheless who were now her in laws,' but she knew he wasn't one of them.
His face oddly was familiar, not in the sense that Nakusha had a de ja vu feeling from him, but nevertheless she sensed some sort of connection. Maybe she had seen him before, maybe she had bumped into him before, maybe he just had one of those really memorable faces, but something was off about him.
And now while she escaped into town for a welcomed break from the wedding fever who should be browsing the same bookshelf but him?
Enough was enough, Nakusha decided to confront her stalker. Striding towards him she tapped him on the shoulder. He didn't move. (How rude?) She tapped him yet again this time more rigorously. This resulted in some reaction as his head turned slightly to see where her hand had tapped him, but he once again returned to reading whatever book he had picked up.
"Excuse me," Nakusha spoke loudly so that those nearby could hear her;
Try and ignore me now' she internally challenged him.
But yet again the man remained aloof.
"Ok seriously what is your problem?" She asked now tethering on the edge of irritation.
This time he spoke, but his words made no more sense than his silence did:
"So you not only look like her, but sound like her too, and by the sounds of it have her short temper too?" He amused.
"I beg pardon?" Nakusha blurted completely confused.
What the heck is going on?' she thought to herself.
"You are pardoned..." He replied,
Nakusha scowled at him, (well the back of his head, he'd still not turned to face her) clearly he was some sort of lunatic. Deciding that she was not willing to waste any more time on him, Nakusha turned on her heels and took a step only to be stopped in her tracks in absolute disbelief at what she heard next:
"Rosie."
Nakusha didn't move she remained rooted on the spot.
No. No. NO. It can't be.' She internally repeated to herself as she felt her blood boil.
"My Rosebud," He softly whispered.
That did that. That was the last thing she needed.
Of course she now knew why his face looked so familiar. That voice. The way he said Rosie.
NO.' Nakusha repeated to herself once again.
"You're not even going to turn around and look at your old man?" he asked softly.
Nakusha remained rooted on the spot. She counted to ten, before she turned around sharply and spoke barely above a whisper but nevertheless sharply;
"You have me confused with someone else. I don't know anyone by that name." And with that she turned to leave yet again.
"Of course you don't, because the person to call you that left you a long time." He spoke completely defeated.
That did it, involuntarily Nakusha's eyes watered. She was furious. How dare he? How dare he turn up now? How dare he?
"I know. I can't even apologise to you, as that would be insulting." He began as though he could read her mind,
"But when I found out my Rosebud was getting married I couldn't help myself."
Nakusha clenched her jaw. She did not need this. Not now. Not ever.
"Please just hear me out." He stepped closer to her, but Nakusha was quicker and stepped back,
"No," she warned him and started to leave when he spoke yet again following her out of the bookshop;
"Just like your mother, you are a spitting image," He amazed.
That had done it. It was one thing to turn up out of the blue but another to insult her. She looked nothing like Sheila.
"I look nothing like Sheila." She hissed.
"Sheila?" He asked confused
"Why would you look like Sheila?" he continued.
"You look just like your mother. That's why we named you Nakusha."
Nakusha abruptly halted.
-----------------------------------------------------------------------
He was sat opposite her in the white plastic chairs outside of CoffeePot a small Italian barista cafe bar. Neither one had spoken for a while. Nakusha was still processing everything.
"I was toxic. I couldn't do that to you or Shei..."
Nakusha raised her palm to silence him.
"What did you mean I look like my mother?"
He now smiled, which annoyed Nakusha further.
"Well as you already know you have her gorgeous green eyes," he told her knowingly while Nakusha continued staring completely aloof.
"But it's more than that, she was a fiery petite too, who would furrow her eyebrows the same way, and her smile?" He reminisced.
"Her smile would light a thousand bulbs and then some," he laughed giddily as though he was recalling some sort of inside joke.
"But you know what, you have something extra," he now admired her, while Nakusha sat there feeling even more confused. She now realised he'd leant in as he spoke sweetly;
"Your rosy cheeks." He smiled again.
"It's no wonder your mother named you Rosie." He half smiled. A sad smile as though her naming Nakusha brought back sad memories for him.
Yet that was the least of her worries, Nakusha was still disturbed;
"You just said I don't look like Sheila and here you are saying I look just like my mother" Nakusha questioned, adding further:
"More than that, she didn't even have green eyes."
His face dropped, his pupils dilated somewhat, as some sort of realisation hit him.
"Sheila hasn't told you? But she promised me she would. In time, sure, but she said she would. Where is she now?"
Nakusha just stared at him her mouth slightly open as she tried to follow his thought process.
"Told me what?" She demanded.
"Where is Sheila? I haven't seen her around; surely she's here for your wedding?"
He continued firing away completely overlooking Nakusha's query.
"Told me what?" Nakusha repeated in agitation.
"I can't believe her, how could she? Wait till I see her!"
"Well it may be some time; seen as in she's dead." Nakusha burst out.
That silenced him.
She hadn't meant to sound so bitter, if anything over the years Nakusha had made peace with the way her life had shaped up. Sheila was a recovering addict and while that did not excuse her behaviour, Nakusha had seen enough in the past ten years to know partially at least what inner-demons Sheila may have been fighting with, before she gave up fighting altogether. Yes she had a rocky relationship with her, but whatever turbulent relationship she had had with her mother she had accepted it.
Yet here she was being told something that completely contradicted that reality.
"I'm sorry for your loss." He finally said after a while,
"When did she, er she er..." he trailed off.
"September 2004."
"Sep-September?" he repeated nervously, before continuing, but to himself;
"I should have known she wasn't strong enough, she looked so weak. Ugh, why didn't I stop her, why didn't I help her?" he berated himself.
"Help her? You knew she was in rehab?"
He looked guiltily away and swallowed hard.
"Yes. I erm, often went to see her,"
"When?"
"Mostly after your visits."
Nakusha didn't know what to say anymore, what on Earth was going on?
"Rosie I'm really sorry, if I'd known how much she was struggling I would have helped."
"Helped? How so? By walking out and never looking back, while a druggie-alcoholic single handily tried to raise a child?"
She didn't know where that came from but for some reason it felt good. It was as though a weight was being lifted off her chest.
He didn't speak. How could he? Everything she had said was spot on.
He had been a coward. He had walked out when they needed him the most.
------------------------------------
"Tell me everything from the beginning." Nakusha looked at him directly for the first time.
He hadn't changed much, sure he had greyed over the years, his skin looser and he sported a light beard, but he was the same man, the same man in the video who had picked his daughter up and spun her in the air while kissing her. The same man who held onto her as though he would never let go. But he did. He did let go.
"Is Sheila my mother?" she prompted.
He couldn't stay quiet any longer. She deserved to know.
"No." He managed.
She didn't really know what to make of that information, but if her life was anything to go by, she'd stopped second guessing and merely accepted her fate, as twisted as it may have been.
"Who, then?"
"Nakusha," he answered.
"Nakusha Ganpath Jain. My wife and Sheila's older sister."
Shocked didn't cover it.
But torn did.
Nakusha's whole life tore apart.
"How?"
"You don't remember and nor will you, we left no lasting physical memory of her, as far as I can remember Sheila boxed all of Nakusha's stuff away and put it in storage. We didn't want to hurt you."
In just saying it he felt like a hypocrite. In trying to protect his little girl he had hurt her the most.
put away in storage,' that's what he had just said.
boxed all of her stuff' he had just told her, but little did he know what Nakusha had come across her stuff' six years ago, just when she was ready to begin a new chapter of her life. And lo and behold, that is exactly what was happening today.
"Rosie, your mother died soon after you were born, she had a very complicated pregnancy and even more dangerous labour. She didn't even get to hold you." He tearfully told her:
"But she did see you, before she passed out, she saw you and insisted that I bring you close to her, and that's when she named you Rosie." He wore a sad smile.
Look at our little rosebud, Ganpath, look at her. We made her. We. Look at how beautiful she is. My Rosie.'
"Those were her final words" he said sorrowfully as he blinked back tears.
He paused briefly before he looked up pleading at Nakusha.
"I need you to understand that we had the best of intentions. Sheila and I, both of us. We never ever meant for you to get hurt."
"Bit late for that isn't it?" Nakusha crudely remarked.
Ganpath nodded, as he wiped away a tear.
"Rosie, I was a mess, you were barely three weeks old, I couldn't even take care of myself, I stopped working, I stopped seeing anyone, I neglected the house and mostly you. I was grieving. I had just lost the love of my life and I was left with a baby. I just didn't know what to do."
He looked up at her again, as though he was hoping Nakusha would understand.
"You fell sick, dehydration, the doctors said." She could sense the shame in his voice:
"And that's when Sheila stepped in. Her first point of call was a tight slap across my face, and then she told me to pull myself together." He stopped suddenly and swallowed hard.
"I nearly lost you. You were sick and it was all my fault. How could I have been so stupid? So selfish? Such an idiot." He said completely distraught.
"It was clear that I couldn't look after you myself."
"So you married Sheila?"
"No." He told her.
Nakusha stared at him completely frustrated.
"I know." He said, as though he could read her mind.
"She took my last name officially but only for your sake."
"She never wore a ring." Nakusha interrupted suddenly recalling the clues that were hidden in plain sight.
"I once asked her to marry me; you were about three months old. She didn't speak to me for two days, and then she one day when she was burping you, told me she had officially changed her name to Jain but she didn't want to tarnish her sister's memory."
Who was this woman? She sounded nothing like the Sheila Nakusha had grown up watching.
"Things started settling, we had routine, and we became a family-a dysfunctional one, but a family nonetheless. And things started looking up, until I screwed up."
Nakusha looked up at him and gasped a little, never before had she seen a man so ashamed. He couldn't even look at her.
"What did you do?"
But even in asking that question, Nakusha could taste the bile rising up in her, she knew. He didn't need to tell her, she knew from the way he shrunk in his seat and avoided looking at Nakusha.
"What you need to understand is that I was very drunk. I didn't even know what I was doing. If I could go back I would stop myself. I would..."
"I don't want to know."
"But I need you to understand-"
"No what you need is atonement. And I can't give you that. The person who could is gone." Nakusha told him brutally.
"But you already know that, and that's why who tried to make it up to her by visiting her, right?" Nakusha rhetorically asked him.
He didn't respond in any way. He was ashamed. More than ashamed. His guilt was shining through.
"All these years I thought I was the reason why she turned to the bottle and drugs. That I was this undue burden on her and her only sense of coping was by escaping into this intoxicating world. But it was your fault. And to make matters worse you walked out. You just left." Nakusha spat completely disgusted.
"I know. I repent every single night. I did her wrong. I did you wrong, I even did my Nakusha wrong."
"All these years I couldn't figure out why she was so strange. One minute all the love the next she looked at me as though I was the vilest creature on Earth. And then that one moment when she was sober, do you know what she said to me? Do you know her last words to me?" Nakusha looked at him directly in the eyes and repeated the last words Sheila ever said to her:
"I wish you were never born."
"Yep, those were her infamous last words-and you know what I don't blame her. I did ruin her life."
"No, no, no" Ganpath sobbed,
"You didn't," he tried to reassure her.
"Right, because that's what all doting mother figures say to their children on their death beds."
"You misunderstood her,"
"Really?" Nakusha angrily asked him,
"Nakusha and Sheila were like two peas in a pod, they couldn't live without each other and when she lost her sister her world crumbled, she felt as though she had nothing-until you called her mama for the first time."
Nakusha felt her insides tighten.
"You gave her a new lease of life, Rosie, she felt guilty for the life you led. She wishing that you were never born wasn't because she was sick of you, but because she felt awful. She knew you deserved better and she had failed not only you but her sister-your namesake too."
--------------------------------------------------
"Will you ever be able to forgive me?" he quietly asked.
"Will you ever stop hating me?" he sadly wondered.
"I don't know." She honestly responded.
"I don't know if I'll ever be able to fully forgive you, but for the first time in my life I feel a sense of calm. I feel a sense of wholeness. I feel as all the pieces-as crooked as they may be-now fit. I don't know if I'll ever stop hating you, because honestly I don't know if I ever hated you. You just didn't exist. A void, that's what you were in my life, a void. Just like you can't miss something you never had, I can't hate something that I never knew existed in my life. And I don't even know if hating you is worse than indifference. I think I've just grown accustom to my twisted fate." She finished.
"Can I do one last thing as your father-if you give me the honour?" He tentatively asked her.
Nakusha didn't answer him. But she didn't refuse him either, so he pressed on, construing her silence as an opportunity,
"Don't marry him."
Nakusha now looked at him, searching his face.
"I have no right to tell you what to do-or not to do for that matter-but don't marry him" he said yet again.
"They are toxic, the lot of them. They're..." He suddenly stopped.
"I don't want you to end up like Sheila. I don't want you to end up like me. But mostly I don't want to see you unhappy. And I've been watching you, not once have I seen you smile, not once did I see that look in your eyes when you look at him, that look, the look your mother used to give me. You deserve so much more than what you have. I know this is rich coming from someone like me, but please don't marry him."
-------------------------------------
Date: 6 June 2014
Time: 1.24p.m
Place: Eastnor Castle, Herefordshire
Mood: Carpe Diem
As Nakusha made her way out, knowing her finace, ex-finace, was now both a metaphorical and literal distant past she couldn't help but recall the note written by her father she had received twenty hours or so ago by Robert the concierge.
Rosebud, don't do it.' It had said.
And she smiled once more as she settled in the car, indeed she hadn't done it. She hadn't become another Sheila, she hadn't sacrificed her life, but rather she was going to finally start living it.
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*and that's that. The answer to Dutta's question: "Why Rosie" and the answer to "Why now, and not when he told her to walk away". I hope you all had a great Easter :) Also forgive any typo's its very late my laptop is worse than a moody teen and I'm growing lazy!*
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Bade Achche Lagte Hain Naya Season
Cricket
Kundali Bhagya
