Ch13: The Failings
Present Day: 24th December 2009,11.00PM
All St.Cathedral Chruch,Nagpur.
"Uncle, you go ahead I'll find a park for the car." Ben and Fanny agreed as they were late for the mass already,thanks to their daughter. They could see things were not well between the two ever since both had come out. Dutta faced looked thunderous barely controlled anger in his stance while Nakkusha looked rebellious. Fanny felt it was still better considering what had gone on yesterday. There was another fear in her heart which she knew her daughter would have to face. Sometimes you can love a person more than life, yet cannot protect them harsh realities of life. Being a mother she would have done anything to protect her baby from heartbreak yesterday, she would do anything to protect her even now from what was to come. But she was not certain that it would be enough and having Dutta with her now was only going to add to the troubles. She looked at the church praying to lord that this time her daughter won't have to face hardship in house of Lord on onset of His day.
Nakkusha- app jao. I'll come in with Dutta. Dutta turned his head away without responding. Ben ' jaldi aana.
Dutta found a parking spot a little away from the church as all the places were already taken. He was viciously changing gears and turning the steer jerking her forward. As the car slipped in the confioned spot, nakkusha couldn't help herself from commenting,"I never thought you were a coward, dutta patil." Dutta resolutely looked forward, "Get down".
Nakkusha- You love me. I know you love me. Why won't you just say it?
Dutta-get down. We are late. Nakkusha- How long had you loved me? How could you let me ruin my life with wrong man ? And anyone else would be wrong, didn't you know that? Dutta- get down,nakkusha.
Nakkusha- I never realized, not once. Not till last night. But you knew all along. How long,tudu? And who gave you the right to decide anything by yourself? Dutta- get down. Damnit.
Nakkusha- I would not get down and I would not shut up. Not now when I know you'll try to do something stupid like living me alone again. Last time you did and see where it got me. A jilted bride. A gossip piece.
Dutta- you think that's my fault that you fell for that leech. You think I never tried telling you. you think it's easy living in a cold shell all your life. You think everything that goes wrong in your little world is because of me. Why do you have to be so dependent on me for every little thing? When you learnt to ride, on that stage of school, in that bathroom, for your studies, your dates, your sickness and health. Why do you have to need me? Or anyone? Why can't you just grow up and not need anyone?
Nakkusha turned to him her eyes blazing with the unshed tears- I am all grown up, dutta. And I don't need just anyone. I need you. You need me too and don't lie about it. You want to smother your needs,fine. But no one gave you the right to smother mine too. And I need you. That's a fact you can't change, deny it all you want. Run away to that ice-desert you love so much but you can't change it. I will love you today, tomorrow, a year from now or an eternity from now. And you know what you'll love me too.
Dutta looked away hiding not meting her eyes. He wanted to pull her to him and hug her, kiss her. He could hear the pain in her voice when she talked about him leaving. But he had never felt more helpless as he did now. For an outsider the situation might not look so complicated. Two friends falling in love, what was the harm. But his mind concocted a different scenario.
Nakkusha- you feel that its '.she paused swallowing a distaste before continuing, it's incestuous between us. Why didn't you feel that when you kissed me before: on that Christmas or in that movie hall? When did you start thinking like that? Did ever in the past 18yrs of our lives thought of me as your sister? Tell me. I need to know since I am committing the most heinous sin in eyes of God by loving you back, right?
She bit her lips hard almost tasting her blood trying to stop herself from screaming. Dutta- Da said once'
Nakkusha stopped him before he could say more- we were kids. Your da would not have thought what else we might feel for each other when we grew up. Do you really believe uncle would have held it against us that we love each other?
Dutta-your dad did. Nakkusha was stunned to silence as looked at his mocking face.
Nakusha 'dad knew? Dutta shock his head- No. but he too thought that my concern for you was brotherly feelings, too.
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Six years ago: 29th January 2003
Kasturchand Park,Nagpur
Dutta had accompanied Ben for his morning walk. He wanted to ask Uncle Ben about Naksh before he talked to her. She was discharged yesterday evening and before coming out he had seen her curled up cozily on her bed. He was sure Ben uncle won't have any objection to him. Uncle knew him since a kid and loved him like a father. He was not sure how to broach the topic though. It would be awkward talking about Naksh that way.
Ben- It feels so good to walk with, son. You know as you are growing up you are looking more and more like Sri. Handsome devil he was too! Sometimes when I call you and you answer the phone, for a second I feel like I hear him. We met at our railway Station Master training you know.Became instant rivals. Couldn't stand each other. But then we were sent off for our first posting to Musara and Mouripaar in Madhya pardesh respectively.Within the first week of our jobs there was a derailment of Goods train. Between our stations. In those times, There were no GPS,mobiles or trackers. And any trouble was held directly against SMs and guards. We were both as you may say 'Screwed'. The investigating officer was biased and friendly with your Da. I was Christian and he held that against me. Dutta looked up shocked- what?
Ben laughed- yeah! There are people like that. They hold castes and religions as important. I don't blame him, I am like that too in some things. Anyway he was trying to save Sri by putting blame on me. When the commission was called I was sure I would be chargesheeted and fired.But Sri came forward and stood by me. He gave true account of events knowing it would hurt his career but he stood by the truth. We were both suspended for a month as it turned out the track condition was to blame but still every involved officer needed to share the loss. I came to respect your da as a fantastic human. With time the friendship almost became a brotherhood. I remember he used to see you and Nakkusha play and say she completes my family like a daughter. They can almost be brother and sisters.
Dutta's smile vanished as he froze. Ben- nakkusha is growing up. Soon it will be time for her to get married. You have been as much a guardian to her as me. I know you feel responsible for her. I see you as a son; as such you will one day have to take responsibility of her marriage with me. I want to find a good Christian boy for my girl. Honest and good, kind and well-brought up.
Dutta- Christain, uncle? Ben laughed- yeah! Do I sound biased now? Yes, I want my daughter to marry within my religion. I don't think I can accept anything else. I told you I am like that officer in some ways. I am so glad that I have you with me. Makes me miss Sri less. Come let's walk back.
That conversation had played in his mind all day. He felt confused and betrayed by his da for first time. It was clear Uncle had never ever dreamt of any relation between his daughter and his best friend's son other than that of friendship or brotherly love. The thoughts feasted on his mind all the way back to Bangalore. His conversation with Ben and his father hovered over his dreams and every waking hour till his feelings for her became almost a shame for him. He felt he had let down both the important men of his life. Another thought came to him that he had never considered before. What if Nakkusha herself felt the same for him? What if she felt disgusted by him? He would live without her love rather than living with her disgust and hate.
He began a game of pretend with the world. Pretending that everything was fine, everything was normal. He began to run away from his feelings and himself. He avoided going home. Started making excuses on Diwali and Christmases. He would call his ma every day, ask about everyone. But he hardly heard the answers. His sole focus was to kill any feelings for one green eyed angel who had entered his life ten years ago and had created havoc in his forest. Ironically, she still created havoc in his life and dreams. He failing in forgetting her and Dutta Patil hated failing.
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Present Day
Nakkusha- Dad didn't know. If you had told him then he might have been shocked but he would have understood.
Dutta shook his head- I was there when he was saying that. It would have been more than just shock for uncle. And anyway that's just the beginning of my crimes. Nakkusha- Crimes?
Dutta- I was her son. I had responsibilities. She should have been the most important person for me. I should have listened.I should have'he stopped and closed his eyes trying to gather strength from old wounds.
Dutta- you know,what hurt most when Da died? Nakkusha shook her head, trying to understand what was hurting him. She could see a sea of hurt in his heart and his pain was drowning her, too. She tried to blink back the tears. But they started falling of their own accord. She swiped at them. But they stubbornly refused to stop.
Dutta touched her cheeks with a soft handkerchief. He looked with tenderness at her. Dutta- see? I am like a disease or something. Everyone who comes close to me, I end up making them miserable. I end up hurting everyone I love. I am hurting you, too Nakshu.
Nakkusha swallowed- what hurt the most, tudu?
Dutta got down from the car living her no option but to come out. He started walking towards the church. Nakkusha stood there watching him leave. He stopped a few steps away from her and without turning back he answered her.
Dutta- it hurt the most that I couldn't say goodbye to him. He gave a scary laugh and shook his head."And the real bitch is, I didn't give a chance to her to say goodbye even when she begged for it." Nakkusha looked shell-shocked as she saw him walk away living her on the park alone. As the final hymn of the masses flittered out of the colored glass windows, she began to shiver ferociously like a leaf. Her hands wrapped around herself and teeth began to chatter. The coldness she felt was less due to the winter breeze and more due to the pain. She was feeling pain for one man who had endured a lot alone. He had many demons to fight she realized and this was just the beginning. She was scared if she could see the end of this without breaking down.
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Five years ago: 12th April 2004
"Beta, are you alright?"
"Of course Ma. I am fine. Exams went well, too. Don't worry I'll get distinction, too."
"Come back, son. It has been so long."Shakuntala swallowed her cry and said,"Something doesn't feel right. You didn't even come for Diwali last year."
"I told you ,Ma."Dutta said on the phone,"I wanted to go to this trekking trip to Arunachal. It was once in a life opportunity."
Shakuntala- And now.Exams are over. Come home for vacation. I want to see you.
Dutta thought of home and of her. He tried squashing the images but they refused to go away. Going home would only escalate the pain. He was not up to it yet. No. He can't see her now.
Dutta- Maa, I would but you see. I was planning to go to Delhi University again. You remember Dr. Prabhakaran, my mentor for that tenure course. Well, he is moving to New Jersey and he said he wanted to see me about admissions for my post grads in states.
Maa- You want to go to states? When?
Dutta- nothing's fixed and I need to clear the entrances for scholarship. That's why he called me.
Maa- Okay. He heard a sigh and soft hitching of breath.Dutta- Maa, you alright? Maa- yes, I am fine. I just miss you so much. It's been so long. Beta, can't you come for just a weekend. Then you can go to Delhi from here.
Dutta got irritated- Maa, wha t is wrong with you? You are just struck on one thing. Here I am telling you how important this is for my career and you don't get it. You are acting like you'll never see me again. What do you want that I should kick my career. Sari umr aapki godh mein baitha rahoon? Mujhe laga tha'I thought you'll support me. I am trying to be something for you and Da. I want to make you proud.You want me to come home? Fine! I'll kick everything and take up a 9-5 job in Nagpur. You'll be happy then?
Shakuntala- I am happy that you are getting such opportunities. No. you go to Delhi. I am sorry. I was not thinking straight, beta. Don't be angry with your maa, Okay?
Dutta breathed deeply- I am sorry maa. I know you miss me. I am missing you too. But see, this is for a few years. After that, once I finish my post grads and get a NCAOR job, I'll come back and take you with me. Then you can retire and live in peace with me for whole life. You will cook me my favorite foods and I'll get to kiss you goodnight every night.
Maa- Yeah, beta. We will have a whole life together. I'll see you get married. I'll play with your kids-a boy and a girl. I am just being silly filmy mother,hai na? It's not like I'll never see you again. You can halt on your way back from delhi. Hai na?
Dutta- Sure, Maa! On my way back from Delhi. Deal! Maa, I am sorry I yelled. I love you, the most.
Maa- I love you the most to, betu. I love you. Eat well,huh? And .....and don't stay up nights. And be careful while driving. And don't drink anything cold,you.... you get cold fast. Dutta- yes, maa. I'll be fine. I am not a kid anymore. I am all grown up.
Maa- yes, you are grown up. My work is almost done. Hai na? Dutta- yeah, almost done. So, you can now start dating again,beautiful. You have been my girlfriend for so long now. He heard a faint laugh.
Maa- No, I think I want to see my old boyfriend again now. It has been long.
Dutta heard his roommate calling him. He nodded.
Dutta- yeah, you do that maa.Aaa'......Maa. I have to go now. I think my friends are calling. Bye.
Maa- beta, dutta..Dutta stopped- haan,maa. Maa- I'....I love you. you are the best son anyone can have. I am so proud of you. Your Da is proud of you too. We both love you.Ok.
Dutta- Ok..Maa.I'll see you soon,promise.
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That was the first promise he broke. As he had said he did had to come to Nagpur from Delhi a month later. But there was no Maa to hug him, to cook for him. She did go away to see her last boyfriend.
He came to know that Maa was suffering from Breast cancer. But like many other woman, it was detected, too late. Almost the last stage. Doctors were not hopeful. They wanted to admit her but she refused. It was no use and she wanted that her son should find her at home when he came.
He saw the reports when he came back from cremation. They were dated 10th march 2004. Maa didn't want to disturb him during his final exams. She never wanted to be the reason why he failed.She knew, her son Dutta SriRam Patil hated to fail. But he felt the biggest failure. He failed as a son.
She knew it had hurt him not to be able to say final goodbyes to his Da. She wanted to give him a chance to say goodbye to her. A last goodbye to her.
'.......................To be continued.
Edited by shilpita87 - 14 years ago
Marathi TV
