AbhiGya OS Burdens of Insecurity

That last look, when she turned around to bid us her final Goodbye'. I can never forget those clear, unabashedly honest eyes, piercing through my soul, silently telling me she wasn't defeated, she gave away her victory to me as charity.

Once again, I woke up with a jerk in the middle of the night, to find myself lying on our bed, face covered in sweat. "Just a dream I told myself, before glancing to my right to check if I had woken up Abhishek. He was sound asleep holding Aadi close to him. Aadi had forced Aaliya into telling him a horror story during dinner, but he didn't feel as strong during bedtime, so he sneaked into our room and crawled onto our bed right after our lights were out, hoping we wouldn't notice. I smiled looking at the sleeping posture of my big boy, hugging Abhishek tightly, knowing no demon or monster can touch him now.

I rose from the bed quietly, and walked to the cradle to check on Ananya. She was sleeping peacefully, as the moonlight from the window fell on her face. My heart filled with affection seeing how peacefully my daughter was sleeping, without a worry in the world. While Aadi's physical features resembled Abhishek's, Ananya had my features. The same jawline, the same temple, the same eyes, just like mine Just like hers too. I sharply pushed that thought away. No, my Ananya had no trace of her, she is just like me, her mother.

As I was walking back to the bed, I caught a glimpse of my reflection on the mirror opposite, I took a step back almost in horror of seeing her same face. I couldn't help but look closely into my eyes, was it as clear? I couldn't think why it shouldn't be, after all I am not guilty of anything! Abhishek was my husband and we are meant to be. We are happy and have been blessed with a lovely family and beautiful and healthy children, she has been gone for years! But then, why can I never get over that last look she gave me when she left? Why is it that the honesty in her eyes sting my soul?

Abhishek hadn't stopped her when she left. He knew I was the real Pragya and she was a doppelganger, he knew, I was the love of his life, not her. But I could see it in his eyes, that a small part of him and left with her that day - There was no way I could stop it. I could handle a hundred Tanu in place of her, and fight them to be with my husband and live with a clear conscience, but I couldn't defeat Munni how could I? Her love for Abhishek and his family was as strong as mine, or maybe, as I am afraid to believe, her love for them is stronger than mine that's why she could leave them all and never return, that's why even after years of leading a happy life with my family, I can't seem to let her go.

It is easy to hate the antagonists in our lives, it is easy to banish them too. What is difficult is to let go of good people, since their stay would bring your existence into question. Her clear conscience, her righteousness, her strength of character and her love has made me feel insecure every day for all these years. Sometimes, when Abhishek looks at me longingly, I wonder why he does? I am right here, in his life does he long for me in those moments, or does he just look at me and see her face in there? Sometimes, when Daadi hugs me tightly and sighs, I wonder she is thinking about all the mortal perils I have crossed to be with her grandson or is it just that she misses that talkative misfit with a heart of gold, who had loved her grandson as much and left them behind and gone away with dignity? I wonder when Disha comes home and sees me, what she feels? Does she feel disappointed not meeting the person she had first met as Pragya di, the sister who had saved her and Purab's life from her villainous fianc?

Munni never told anyone about her love for Abhishek, not even to me, but it was so pure that everyone could feel it. All those years back, when Aaliya and Tanu's devious plans were exposed and Munni's niece and nephew were rescued by Abhishek, she had quietly apologized to everyone and thanked us for saving her children finally she bid us a goodbye and she left us forever. Everyone loved her, but no one called her back as for me, torn between gratitude and insecurity, I decided to send her some money every month for raising her children, she had refused first but I insisted like my life depended on it she had quietly looked into my eyes and had silently realized, she was doing me a favour by taking the money, I was buying clean conscience she had accepted with an understanding nod. To this day, I send her that money, sometimes I feel like meeting her and telling her, Abhishek is fine, but my insecurities never let me.

However, I cannot bring myself to regret having Munni enter our lives, had she not held on to all the pieces Abhishek had broken down to, after I had left, it would have been too late to collect him back, by the time I had returned.

I suppose it had to be this way between us two women, who loved Abhishek unconditionally, the one who got him in her life, longed for him despite that, and the one who never got to be with him, was satiated none the less.