I was so lost in thoughts that I didn't know I slept until I woke up next morning. My phone displayed a missed call and a message. It was from him. He had sent a message that he was with his senior to learn about his project. It was around 11 pm when he came back. He ended the message with a sorry. I called him. He picked up immediately as if he knew that I would call at the exact moment. He started with a sorry. He was talking about his senior's project until I interrupted him. I always said that I called just to talk to him and didn't have any particular reason to talk. So he never dared to ask me the reason for calling him. I told him that I want to meet him. He said that we met just the day before. I said I want to talk something important but I don't want to come there. I asked him to come. I don't know why I asked him to come. It would have been more faster if I had went to meet him. I may have been selfish. I didn't think about asking him to come when he said about his phone. He said he will come after two days on Sunday.
I didn't call him for a day. The next day he called me asking whether I have any problem and why I didn't call him. I was glad that he felt something abnormal when I didn't call him. He accepted me calling him often as normalcy. I replied I am sick. The most unforgettable Sunday in my life came. He came to my home. I felt suffocated with thoughts. He went to the terrace and I followed him. Fresh air gave me the courage. I told him that this is not going to work. He didn't understand. I asked him to give me a honest reply. I told him that he need not suffer for the sake of my happiness. He can tell that I am disturbing him. He need not be bound by me anymore. He still didn't understand. His phone rang but he cut the call.
He asked me whether I feel neglected and said sorry. He said that he couldn't manage time properly. He wanted to spend time with me but he wanted to learn more than what is included in the syllabus. He asked me to understand him. His phone rang again. He answered it this time. He said sorry and his face was more upset than before. I asked what was the matter. He replied nothing. I told him to tell me the truth as his face didn't support his lie. He said that the call was from his senior. His senior didn't know that he was out of station and called him to accompany to a Professor's place. I asked whether this was the professor whom he often talks about. He said yes. It tore me apart. He had light in his eyes whenever he spoke about the professor. He was almost the professor's fan. He lost an opportunity because of me. This was like a warning to me. I could no longer do this to him. I didn't want to snatch his time when he needs it the most. I didn't even know whether he really loves me. I loved him for his passion and I didn't want him to lose it because of my love. I tried to reason him but he started feeling guilty. I didn't want him to feel guilty. I told this sentence and he left without saying a word. I said that I can't be myself in this relationship and it is making me die everyday. He didn't speak but his eyes told me that I was the one who proposed and I was the one breaking it.
He didn't leave when I talked that this decision was good for him. But he left when I said that it is not good for me. Did he love me that much?
Days passed. Neither he called me nor did I. Whenever I heard a sound from my mobile, I would rush to see it. I just wanted the sender to be him. My colleagues would mock me that I am addicted to phones. The number of times I saw my mobile screen started reducing with time. After five months, I saw his photo on a social networking site. He had posted about his new project and his classmates. Whenever I ask him to come online, he had always told that social networking sites are boring. But then the same person started coming online twice or thrice a week. I thought that may be he wanted to let me know that he was fine. I scolded myself for such silly thoughts. Why would he still be thinking about me? Seeing him got me excited like a drug and I didn't want to get addicted again. I deleted all my social networking accounts so that I didn't have to see him again. He was doing good in college and I didn't want to disturb his life again.
After a year, I got promoted and was transferred to another city. I started concentrating more on my work. But he didn't leave my life completely. Whenever someone put garbage on the floor, whenever someone talked about pollution, whenever someone talked about planting trees, I automatically started talking about him. But I no longer felt the pain. I felt happy to talk about him. He wasn't going to get disturbed by me talking about him. I had that freedom.
3 years passed then. One fine day in my office, I was told that someone was waiting to see me. I went to the reception only to see him standing with an invitation in his hand. There was a woman standing with him. What was I supposed to think? But my mind didn't get the time to think. I collapsed on the floor.
When I woke up, I was lying in a hospital bed while he was talking with the doctor. He saw me with my eyes open. He asked me whether I was fine. I wanted to tell him that I was fine but I couldnt. I tried speaking but all that could escape from my mouth was just air. He told me not to get stressed. I closed my eyes.
When I opened my eyes, he was sitting beside me reading a magazine. He asked me whether 4 hours sleep was enough for me and laughed. He had started wearing spectacles. He had a clean shaven face. He was wearing formal clothes. So much changes were evident seeing him. But his laughter didn't change. He told me that he was going to going to launch his first green product and wanted me to come for the inauguration function. He told me that I was the one who had supported his crazy ideas when everyone called him dreamer. I smiled. He would have thought that I smiled because of his appreciation. But I smiled because the invitation was not the invitation I thought.
I went to the inauguration function and saw the same lady. He told me that she was his friend and business partner. Later that day, he asked me to come for dinner. I felt that my past had returned. I felt like I became four years younger. But my fear of being an obstacle to him also came back. He dropped me at home. I was struggling with my thoughts. As we reached our home, he opened the car door and showed me the way. I said bye and started walking towards the door.
I heard him shout Pragya. He asked what did I think of his time management skills now. He asked whether he has improved. I was puzzled. He came near me and held my hand. He told me that he didn't really love me when we were in college. He just didn't want to hurt me. He thought when someone loves you, it is enough. He said he didn't know the difference between liking and loving. He liked me as I cared for him. He liked me because he had my attention. He said that he started loving me only after I left him. He understood my character only that day and he started loving me. But he also wanted to make sure that I didn't feel that I am responsible for his failures. So he started being more focused on his goals. Now that he has achieved some of his goals, he has come to meet me. He told me that I gave him the strength. He told me that my love was his motivation.
He went down on one knee. He took a small ring from his pocket and proposed me. I wanted to faint again. But I was there smiling like a maniac while tears flowed down from eyes.
I woke up from my dream. He was sitting there near by hospital bed reading a magazine. I wish I had slept 4 hours. It was exactly happening as it happened in my dream. On the day of inauguration, I started to feel that things are different from my dream. He came to me with the lady. He told me that he is going to marry her. I couldn't hear anything else. He was talking but I couldn't hear anything. He told me that I was right and we were not meant to be together. I wished him and started going home.
As I walked back home, I wished it rained and it did. God fulfilled my wishes. Why should I be sad? I wanted him to be happy. I was the one who broke this relation. I felt strangely happy. It was the happiness due to knowing that the decision taken four years ago was correct.
Epilogue
Bulbul asked Abhi why did he lie to Pragya that he is going to marry her. Abhi said he knows that Pragya didn't move on. She just stopped seeing him. But she never stopped thinking about him.
"When I said I didn't deserve your love, she was not there. Her world was almost shaking. But it is better to lose someone than living with someone with the fear of losing them every second. She would be depressed for sometime but she would survive. If she comes to know that I had an accident after meeting her and it is because of that I am suffering a disease, she would die. She couldn't handle the thought that she was disturbing my studies. She is not responsible for my condition and I don't want her to feel guilty for something she is not responsible for. I want her to be happy. Her happiness lies in the thought I am happy. I don't want her to see me die. I want to live eternally in her world"
Bulbul hugged her ailing friend.
622