Posted:
For the past so many years it is there within me... the repentance...
Now, I dont know whether I am doing right or wrong. I am scared of relations... the strained ones... Why relationships strain at all? Was that all Guddi's fault?.. I am atleast 30 years older than her. Why was I so blind?.. Why dint I think sensibly that time? .. After all, herself and her husband are Kids...
Result, I lost my child forever. Once this house was ringing with her laughter... now, the empty walls look blank at me... ... I have completely become a stranger to my own grand child... My Son-in-law might never pardon me...
I was selfish... I took care of another child. He has become my world... Now, he is everything as I wanted...My bowl of happiness is upto the brim... but.. but.. why the happiness is not overflowing?? ... My subconscious brain is silently pointing to me towards the closed black door.. Do I know what is there behind? ... ... I think ... vaguely I know... I fear to go near there... I am afraid, I have lost the key to that handleless door.
Now I repent... Can she hear this tsunami? ... Guddi... I have lost you... I thought, my life's aim is to help others... Serve the needy... I could never realise... that you need me... your father... I have failed miserably... I could never read your emotions... All the time I thought I need you... but never once I realised ... what you might have felt... the memories you had with this place where you had spent your childhood... successfully, I have made you a stranger to your own place.
This place is very close to my heart... I know life is not a mathematical equation... but, by giving this to my grand child, I may bring the shards of my heart together...
By doing this... I am repeating the mistake again.. I am snatching away the sensitive sentiments of Ashutosh...
Ashutosh... I was so engrossed with my self ... I gave him shelter... but... never gave him a name.. I was so afraid to bring him near the surname... I was afraid of the relations and the pain it would bring...but, never once I paused to look into him... what an emotional upheaval it would bring to a child for being alone... I have proved that my own blood... my grand child... my unknown grandchild ... matters me more than him... I am ashamed of this...
Ashutosh... Ho sake toh, mujhe mauf kar do...
Now, I dont know whether I am doing right or wrong. I am scared of relations... the strained ones... Why relationships strain at all? Was that all Guddi's fault?.. I am atleast 30 years older than her. Why was I so blind?.. Why dint I think sensibly that time? .. After all, herself and her husband are Kids...
Result, I lost my child forever. Once this house was ringing with her laughter... now, the empty walls look blank at me... ... I have completely become a stranger to my own grand child... My Son-in-law might never pardon me...
I was selfish... I took care of another child. He has become my world... Now, he is everything as I wanted...My bowl of happiness is upto the brim... but.. but.. why the happiness is not overflowing?? ... My subconscious brain is silently pointing to me towards the closed black door.. Do I know what is there behind? ... ... I think ... vaguely I know... I fear to go near there... I am afraid, I have lost the key to that handleless door.
Now I repent... Can she hear this tsunami? ... Guddi... I have lost you... I thought, my life's aim is to help others... Serve the needy... I could never realise... that you need me... your father... I have failed miserably... I could never read your emotions... All the time I thought I need you... but never once I realised ... what you might have felt... the memories you had with this place where you had spent your childhood... successfully, I have made you a stranger to your own place.
This place is very close to my heart... I know life is not a mathematical equation... but, by giving this to my grand child, I may bring the shards of my heart together...
By doing this... I am repeating the mistake again.. I am snatching away the sensitive sentiments of Ashutosh...
Ashutosh... I was so engrossed with my self ... I gave him shelter... but... never gave him a name.. I was so afraid to bring him near the surname... I was afraid of the relations and the pain it would bring...but, never once I paused to look into him... what an emotional upheaval it would bring to a child for being alone... I have proved that my own blood... my grand child... my unknown grandchild ... matters me more than him... I am ashamed of this...
Ashutosh... Ho sake toh, mujhe mauf kar do...
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