FF-TohseNainalaage piya Sa-Chapter 9-Pg 55 - Page 35

Part 1 is updated in page 46 😊

Part2

"Getting to know Nidhi is like finding the corner of my heart which I thought never existed...She, who is brighter than sunshine and sometime darker than evening sky glow under my gaze and melt down with the mere touch of mine ...she who is stronger than rock sometime vulnerable than babies heart... like a distant star, glinting with light if you look from far but you need to go near her to realize she is burning with scorching past..You need to open her heart to see the engulfing darkness and her wounded heart ...she, who is like colorful butterfly with dark patches behind her wings ...rising slightly, gliding, baby walking out towards her brighter light ..."

"You are still here..." startled by the voice, he turned his head and met her amazed yet pleased gaze

"You asked me not to go ...how I can leave you?" he gave her questioning glance, his strained face suddenly breaking into pleasant smile

Happiness oozed out from every corner of her heart, her grim face breaking into bright smile which reached till her eyes...

Happiness oozed out from every corner of her heart, her grim face spiltted into bright smile which reached till her eyes... suddenly as reality sunk in, her face crumbled and worry lines deepened "any news on baba..."

Ashu shook his head, taking a step closer and holding a cup of milk and buttered toast "come eat this ...we can leave after this" he came to her side

Nidhi tried to shake her head but after seeing his angry glare she changed her mind and sat on chair ...

" I found only this much ...here" he replied showing single sandwich and glass of milk

"I forgot to buy ..."

"No problem, this is enough for you ..."

"Do you mind sharing?" She asked

"Nidhi I don't want you hungry ...so better finish that" he gave her stern look

Shrugging her shoulder "Even you did not have anything from yesterday ..." She replied

"Please ..." she extended her hand asking him to take a bite ..."otherwise even I will not eat ..." she added

With a sigh, he took a bite and extended his hand to her mouth ...like that whole sandwich and glass of milk emptied in second.

" I did not know that you play violin ..." she spoke after a while

"How do you know ...?" he looked at her suspiciously

"Yesterday I saw violin in your room ... and that photo with your baba." She smiled and after a brief pause she added "will you play for me someday ..."

"I will ..." he replied distractedly

"Is something wrong ...?" she asked looking at his distressed face.

Turning his head and conjuring the strength he mentioned "Nidhi we need to talk" There was something in his gaze which confirmed her suspicion that he know about her now ...a part of her shuddered but a part felt relieved that there is no more secrets lying between them ...

suddenly she felt far too close to his eyes and he is looking into her, way too deep inside, he could see the oozing pool, he knows, he knows...somehow she is sure of it, energy seeped from his eyes into her and she felt afraid suddenly, afraid of letting down her guard

"What you want to know ...?" Her voice trembled as she looked up to meet his scrutinizing gaze

"Why you blame yourself for everything?" He asked slowly, his voice broke resonating through her inner silence

She looked away

"Why you think so low about yourself?" He probed further

She crouched in her chair

"Why you detest yourself...?" He came straight to the point

She squirmed in her chair, a sense of wrongness; a fraught of unease plagued her when she met his scrutinizing gaze... she tried to gauge his expression, measure the look behind his concern. She wondered what he will do if she tell him. Will he laugh at her silly thoughts? Mock at her and blame her for everything like everyone do, will he judge her, criticize her for messing up her head ...does he think she is so silly, such a fool, so weak and reject her , push her out of his life ... Cluster of thoughts swirled in her head making her shudder

Sensing this he reached and took her cold trembling hand "Do you hate yourself Nidhi ?" he asked in calm voice

She bowed her head little lower "why is that ...? There is no reason to feel like that ...did anything happen"

"I don't want to talk about it!" she snapped

Ashu realized he stepped upon some soft spot over there...some wound still not healed, with a sigh he looked up " Nidhi, it's our thoughts, it's how we think ...make us what we are today and I feel, you chose the wrong path...what you feel from inside is wrong , what you are doing to yourself is wrong ..." He mentioned in honest voice

Her eyes flared up and something snapped within her at the moment "you don't know a thing about me?"

He looked at her intently "I agree "he nodded "I don't know anything ...But I know what you are dealing with...and I do know what you feel inside is wrong"

"Even I know it is wrong..."

"and you still ..."

His words get short as she snapped "do you think, I enjoy feeling like this? Do you really think??...I chose this huh ...I did not chose to feel like this ...I don't want to feel like I am some worthless shit...tell me who want to feel like they are nothing but soulless f**k" She paused when her eyes brimmed with fresh tears

Taking a lungful of air, she looked at him intently "my baba was ill, I did not have proper job, and even the boy I loved cheated on me, walked all over me ...I felt like shit all the time and everyone says this is my entire fault" her eyes burned dark with bitterness and her sadness

"You loved someone?"He gave her intense glare

Taken aback with her own outburst she cringed and crouched in her chair ...she never wanted to share this, not to him...she never wanted to give pieces of her past not to him ...even if she inclined to do, she thought of various other ways to open her heart not like this ...so abrupt and in such messy way...

With fear written all over her face she looked at him "I always knew there is something!! I knew ...Something is there in your past" he rumbled

She tried to gauge his look, but she failed to read his ice cold expression "but it does not explain ... I cannot take your excuses which you are giving to justify your current state" he sounded angry

"He made you feel like shit and left you does not mean you should continue berating yourself ...doesn't mean you should continue consuming those bitterness inside you...that is not the way" he replied in annoyed tone

"I know that is not the way ...I am wrong, I messed up" she replied bowing her head down

"When you know it is wrong ...why are you not doing anything to fix this?" he muttered in exasperated voice," why are you letting those thoughts rule you huh?" he added

Her eyes flared "what do you mean by that? It's not as if we say, today at 8 , I will be filled all good thoughts ...is it ? Sometime it's not in my hand Ashuthosh ...they are too quick, too fast, my mind register those thoughts even before I could act on it ..."

With a sigh "Is that the reason you are finding difficulty trusting me?" he asked

"Yes" she muttered instantly

"Do you think, I will do the same to you ..."

"Yes ..."

"Is that the reason you are not saying yes to this relationship till now??"

"That is not the only reason ..."

"What are the other reasons?" he asked narrowing his eyes

I feel, I don't deserve you ...I feel unworthy of you"

"You are inferior ...!" He mentioned

"Yes, I feel like that ..."

"I know how it feels to be cheated ..." Ashu muttered gritting his teeth

"You do ..?" Nidhi looked up

"Yes, I do know nidhi ...how it feel to be cheated but it does not mean that you start filling your system with all types of complexes" he scolded her

"We are different Ashuthosh ...the way you deal with things is different from how I deal ... How can you blame me for that" she sounded angry

"You are angry...!" that was a statement but question too

"Yes...very much, I am angry with myself, with you and with whole world ...everyone busy playing blaming game , everyone busy proving how wrong nidhi is ...how imperfect she is! I did not choose this...maybe I chose Maybe fault lies in me but believe me I did not chose this ...may be I chose but I am not sure when and where ...I don't know when I became so vulnerable that I let these junk fill in my head...it was not only heartbreak which I dealt with, I found difficulty in trusting, I lost faith that there will be happiness waiting for me ...somewhere on the way during this bouts of hopelessness and feel of worthless I really believed those thoughts ...even though I succeeded in getting over him but I could not get over this thought ...I felt chained to my past" She paused feeling lump in her throat

"Whatever happens in the end blame comes to me...you people are not helping me, but making me even more miserable...maybe I deserve this hell, may be this is what I deserve for filling my head with junk..." she stopped as sob caught in her chest, it raised from within until it dripped from her eyes like pieces of her agony...

Seeing this his heart melted instantly, he reached across and pulled her towards him "I am sorry...I did not mean that way"

Leaning back, he looked at her teary eyes "ok, let's not play blaming game now, you already have enough reasons to blame yourselves, I don't want to add up to your misery ...but whoever is at fault, in the end you are in pain, you are miserable from inside, you are not happy with yourself and I am not liking it ...I want to help you here" he mentioned

Her pale face glowed and sheer force of hope entered her eyes

"What else you feel tell me about it "he asked in soft voice

Nidhi shrugged her shoulder "there are many ..." she paused in confusion whether to tell him or not "you can talk to me Nidhi ..." his voice turned tender and braced with comfort

"There are moments, where I could not think single good thing about myself ...you know, no matter what I do, those moments I fail to think positively about myself , I feel unable to challenge The validity of those self critical thoughts ...because they are too quick and too fast and they are very painful ..." She sighed

"I fight so hard to shoo off those thoughts but sometime it goes out of my hand..." she confessed

"Is this all started after he left you" No matter how hard he tried but he failed to hide the anger in his voice

"Yes ..." her reply came slowly

"Why is that? What he did?" He asked in agitated voice

Shrugging her shoulder, she looked away...

"Nidhi, I asked you something ..." he asked in most controlled voice

"It's just that ...huh he was very resentful in the end ...He never left single chance to make sour remark about me in front of everyone ...He always used to make me feel unworthy sometime through his words and sometime through his behavior" Nidhi mumbled ,

"Why he did that ...?"

"He wanted me to leave him because he was in love with someone else"

"You knew that ...that he was in love with someone else"?

"no ...I came to know later when left me for her" She paused "those days were hideous and torturous for me like putting rope over my neck asking me to be the one to end the relationship without any reasons...and whenever I tried to talk to him he shrugged his shoulder and never gave me proper answer ... And he was so resentful even while ending the relationship"

"How can you carry on with someone like him Nidhi?"Ashu asked

"He always apologized after that ..."

Huffing out sigh, Ashu stared at her "You let him damage you by forgiving him every time he came back with his shitty apology ..." He hissed

"He confused me; I loved him so much ... How can I not forgive?"

Ashu gave sarcastic laugh "and one day he left you when he had enough of this game..."

Nidhi bowed her head "is it wrong to love someone like that? "

"I find it very self destructive nidhi..." he grumbled

Nidhi looked at his face for quite a long time "Do you know Eloa was a fallen angel" she asked abruptly

"No Nidhi, I don't know ...nor I am interested to know ok" he replied in exasperated voice

Leaning closer to look at his face "She was tricked by Lucifer from falling from heaven ..." Nidhi murmured in ice cold voice

" I don't know what you are..."

His words get cut short as nidhi continued "She was tricked by falling in love with him Ashuthosh..." Her resonating stare fluttered through him sending shiver down his spine

His eyes widened and looked at her trying to find meaning behind those words "you must be wondering, how he could trick her" she asked in calm voice "Don't you?"

Ashu blinked and nodded his head

"but he did ...you know , he never told her that he is Lucifer , it is after falling from heaven she realized it ...what has happened to her and where she is falling , till that time she was blinded by love" Nidhi mumbled solemnly.

As understanding dawned he looked at her crouching figure "those days,

I failed to recognize how much I am damaging myself and I failed to analyze how much it is impacting me personally ...but it's true , this is hell of my own making" Nidhi replied in defeated voice

"But when he left, something snapped inside me ...it ruined me totally, I was so angry and hurt ...I was filled with so much bitterness and anger which I did not know how to take out ... For months I had this pressing on me, this heart break and this feeling of hopelessness which I could not articulate to a single person...it was forced on me and may be somewhere I let it sink inside me ...until it grew fully" she replied closing her eyes tight shut, he could see moisture in them, breathing deep ...she digged her finger nails around the opposite wrist, digging, deep, hard ...pain to replace pain

Seeing her in pain only thing he ever wanted to do was to reach out and take her in his arms until he eased out her pain but he stopped himself ...because he realized if he do so he will break the flow and she will suppress it one again ...and these were the tears which should come out, these reflection of her angst and hurt which she kept hidden inside her for long now... he realized its time it comes out...

Managing his composure, he stared at her face "and then you came" she stared at his face

He witnessed spark in her eyes when their eyes met "I found it so easy to trust you ...You were always you, you never pretended to be something which you are not and you made me feel good" she smiled

"But I agree, it was selfish of me to keep you in dark and not telling you earlier...You still have time, you can say No" she murmured uneasily

His eyes hardened and she watched anger crawling through him, swirling through him like tempest ready to strike

Leaning forward "do you still love him huh? Is it the reason you are backing off now" he asked in agitated voice

"I don't love him anymore Ashuthosh...you should know it by now" She gave him accusing glare, his face suddenly tuned soft and sweet smile crawled on his face

"And I am not backing off " she paused " I am giving you choice to leave me ...because I am full complexes which I cannot deal with ..And I don't want you drag you in this" she added

"Do you think you are flawed in your thinking...?" He asked carefully

"Yes of course ...I am" she rued

" do you remember what I told the other day, love is not about perfection but it's about accepting a person with all the flaws...now if you think this will make you imperfect then so be it ...but I still want you" he mentioned in his honest voice

Her contracted chest expanded huffing out relief and sparkling shine entered her eyes...

"And coming to your imperfection... I don't think you are flawed" he shrugged his shoulder "have you ever thought why Adam and eve chose the path of destruction even after several warning from god ...?? huh"

She gave him lost look "they were manipulated by Lucifer, the demon" he replied

"That's how we are Nidhi; we get manipulated sometime by external forces and sometime by our own thoughts ...we are humans, little imperfect we are..." he stopped and stroked her head

As usual his words worked like magic, she treasured those words like little jewels she need to seek when she fall in deep abyss of hopelessness ...they are her solace just like his presence in her life.

Pulling her out of her thoughts he continued "There is Lucifer in everyone of us, ready to drag us towards destruction the moment we give him the power ...but choice lies with us ...to chose what we want" he gave her reassuring smile.

"And I chose Lucifer somewhere ..." she looked down guilty

"Yes, you did ..." he confessed

They sat like that for couple of seconds, slowly rising her head she looked into his eyes "what should I do now to reverse this Ashuthosh...?" her voice meek but determined

He smiled, a comforting smile which assured her that there is way out "You should learn to tame your ego..." he replied

"I dint get you ..."

"When a person's ego is boosted ...he feel superior and that moment he will start judging and criticizing everyone ...by this eventually he will destroy everything ...and when a person ego is deflated , he feel inferior, that moment he start judging and criticizing himself and this in turn trigger self hatred and by this he again choose destruction" Ashu stopped

"You should learn to balance in between ...Tame it and disown those voices...Many famous people like Marianne Williamson, Eckhart Tolle all have that voice in their head but have learned how to put it in its place, and so can you!"

"That means, it's nothing but Ego!! Fault lies in me totally ..." she looked at him with guilt written all over face "maybe I took the rejection badly" she admitted

"You should stop that, judging yourselves based on your past actions ..." he was stern in his voice

"Ego is nothing but our sense of self esteem...There are voices in our head nidhi ...they has been around since humans could first walk. We evolved this voice for a reason; that is, to ultimately protect us from harm. However, since there are no sharp-toothed tigers lurking around corners waiting to chomp our heads off, this protective mechanism doesn't serve the same purpose in today's world. Today our ego chimes in whenever we are facing any unfamiliar situation. E.g., when we want to take a big risk and start a business but our ego says we'll fail, or when we get ready to ask for that raise at work but our ego says we are not worthy of it, or when we want to find that dream relationship but our ego says we're not good enough for him/her, etc. Our ego wants to offer its two cents to help save us from humiliation, disappointment, and self-criticism that may happen from "failure" or rejection. That's fine that it's trying to look out for us, but in the process it usually ends up convincing us to not take that risk at all because of the potential negative repercussions. Real growth, progress, and fulfillment come from taking risks and getting out of our comfort zone, which the ego hates" Ashuthosh smiled

"Now how can I stop it?" she asked perplexed

"Name those voices ..." he replied

"what ?" she gave him puzzled look

" yes , name those voices ..Anything which pop in your head when you remember them"

She gave him an evil smile "dementors!"

His lips curved forming smile "dementors!!!...you mean soul suckers??" he asked suppressing his chuckle

"yes ...Soul suckers, you know that's what they do..." she smiled

He chuckled "you do know to laugh at your problems Ms Verma" he added

"Is it wrong?" she asked uneasily

"Of course Not ..." he smiled" it's called art of living ...we should learn to laugh at our problems" he grinned

"Now we named it ...What will it do?" she asked curiously

"It will help you to filter your junk thoughts aside ...you can label them as soul suckers and stop giving them so much attention" he grinned

Getting up from his seat Ashuthosh looked at her "Here's a little secret I want to share with you ...your worth is not tied to any person Nidhi, it shouldn't be ...not even with me, and as long as you wait for someone else to validate who you are, you are setting up for disaster ...you should not do that" He stopped

"If I stop giving them attention, will it help?" She paused

"There is something called "Attention" and "Law of attraction" ..."Attention" is the fuel that gives power to a thought because it allows the thought to "attract" onto itself. In the absence of attention a thought does not have any "power" of influence ..."

"What are you talking about?"

Ashuthosh sighed "It is like sitting in a room where a radio is blaring out bad music at a very high volume and being in a room where the volume is really low, in both cases the music is still bad but when the volume is low it does not affect your "being" as much, so just like this once you stop giving attention to those voices, the intensity ebbs away and once the intensity fades away so the volume goes down ...it's the intensity which is causing you pain , now you need to turn the volume down"

Silence flashed between, sitting there he saw her bit relaxed, like a feeling rushed through her , it clicked and suddenly she understood what has been puzzling her ...it is like getting feeling which makes one think it might be possible to get hold of old world after all...

"but you should understand one thing , There is no magic or cure ...There is something called an easy day, unexpected laugh and a small step upward ...it will help you to regain your balance again" he smiled at her reassuringly

" and then you have me ...you have anjie , you can talk to us whenever you feel like ...we are there to help you...but promise me that you will tell us and not keep it inside ...and I want to know each and everything which goes in your head"

She nodded her head "I will ..." she smiled ...

They were jolted out to reality with the ring of his phone "hello Anjie ..." he stood still and then his face broke into pleasant smile

Hanging up phone he mumbled "it's your baba ...He is out of danger; they are shifting him to surgical ward"

Startled by the news, she leaped in his arm he pulled her tightly to his chest and kissed her hair, this time she did not turned away from him but instead burying her face in his chest she sighed

"Now off you go and get ready ...:" he smiled stroking her head

Dwindling with her finger she stared at him "can I ask you something?"

Ashu rolled his eyes "some more doubts Ms Verma! ..." he mumbled "go on ...whatever is eating you up get over with it!" he grinned

"Why are you so kind to me ...?" her low voice came out like a whisper

He smiled and stepped towards her "Because I love you ..."

She smiled in teary eyes "why are you doing all this to me ..."She asked

"Because I love you ..."he replied certainly

She watched him thoughtfully for several empty seconds. Then stepping ahead and placing her hand right on top of his heart she said, very gently, "You're a good man Ashuthosh... I owe my life to you"
he swallowed and bowed his head, humbled by the tone of her voice and the expression on her face, more than the words themselves...
"You don't know what you are doing to me ...?" She mentioned in grateful voice

"I know what I am doing" he replied choking with emotions, she looked at him questioningly "I am just loving you" he murmured making her break into broad smile brighter than sunshine and at that moment he saw something in those dark merry eyes ...which he always longed to see ...the deep and intense emotion, unhidden love for him and in way he understood she accepted him wholly and into her world ...or maybe she is stepping out of her world of darkness and stepping into his world of bright colors...May be !

Ashuthosh dropped her to hospital; entering his room...she saw her baba sleeping, his eyes were closed, skin delicate films over the blue veins of his forehead ...

"Your father has strong heart ...he stabilized very quickly" duty nurse mentioned

Nidhi smiled politely and glanced towards the bed...pulling her chair closely to the bed, she sat watching him...His chest rising and falling; equipment surrounding the bed likes anxious relatives ...

Door to the room opened, startling her ...Bb stepped in, quickly getting up Nidhi came to his side " uncle aap ..." She gave him nervous smile and bent down as gesture of respect

"kush raho beti ..." Bb held her at arm's length and gave her a smile

After brief moment he asked in concerned voice "How is he now ...?"

"Baba is fine ..." Nidhi replied in meek voice

"Doctor ne kuch bola...?" he enquired

"They said he is fine ...but he needs to follow strict diet so that it won't repeat again"

BB nodded his head "I know colonel from long time ...He is strong man..kuch nahi hoga usey" he mumbled reassuring himself as well as her

After standing for brief moment "main chalta hoon ab.." Bb got up giving her box full of fruits " give this to him and tell him that mathur came to see him ..and ask him to be ready because I am going to win next time in chess ...he cannot win all the time" BB murmured in pained voice

Nidhi looked down as tears brimmed in her eyes , seeing this BB's heart melted "Don't be scared beta and if you need any help ..kuch bhi promise me that you will tell me ya fir Ashu ko ..." She gave him nervous smile "thank you uncle ...for everything" her eyes brimmed with gratefulness for this father and son duo for being there for ...in situation like this.

Patting her head affectionately " Acha main chalta hoon ...apna kayal rakna, teek ho jayega wo" he replied and walked out ...

Part 3 updated in page 48

part 3

It was couple of day since her baba came back to conscience. With the help of Ashuthosh, Nidhi managed somehow, running around, hospital, home and her office ... he suggested to hire full time duty nurse when he saw how much it is exhausting her but nidhi declined telling that she can take care of her baba...

Same time he took her to Dr Aurobindo, a trained psychologist and motivational speaker who spent years studying behavioral problems and helping people with such disabilities ...

Nidhi was apprehensive at first and bit nervous to meet him but after constant insistence she went to meet him. All her nervousness and confusion vanished the moment she met this elderly man Dr aurobindo...She liked him instantly...his sharp eyes and healthy laugh comforted her , his fascinating stories which he picked up over the years intrigued her. With lot of reluctance at first but slowly, slowly she shed her past sitting in his brightly lit room ...it never embraced her to tell the story of her past , she put it in words ...he listened with care , with a smile and lot of attention. He studied her journal; those white parchment papers became his route to reach her, to guide her...To analyze her mindset!

He pointed out the changes in her through her words, through her posture, through her views just by talking to her few minutes on general topics...

Pulling her out of thoughts " Mam, you can go inside ...Sir is waiting for you" receptionist gave her warm smile ...With a start, She got up from her seat...sending a quick message to Ashuthosh she knocked on his door

"Come in Ms Nidhi Verma ..." he greeted her warmly

Opening the shutters, he let the bright sunlight enter the room "Vitamin D is good for our immune system ...let it come in hmm" he smiled and pulled a chair close to the window

She sat facing him and pushed her journal towards him "so Nidhi, how are you today ..."

"Fine ..." She gave out weak smile

"Let me see ..." he took her journal to study ...

"Anything good improvement I should know ...?" he asked flipping the pages

Giving a small smile she nodded her head "My boss asked me to take up new role ...it's kind of promotion in my job profile"

Looking up he asked "I hope soul suckers did not create much problem this time ..."

"Not much ..."She grinned "but I took it, this new job role is bit challenging but I want to give try"

"Very good ..." he smiled "I spoke to Ashuthosh ...you are doing just fine, few more sessions and you are up on your feet" he smiled

" Am I ...?" She asked bit apprehensively

"Yes of course ... I can see the changes in you apart from few reservation, you are doing just fine ..." He stopped and looked at her face "what is it?" he asked

Nidhi shrugged her shoulder recalling the brief conversation she had with baba a night before

When she came with boiled vegetable soup as prescribed in diet chart her baba had broached the topic "Baba...Db called , she is coming tomorrow ...shayma aunty informed about your situation .." Nidhi mentioned solemnly

"I got nicely from her for keeping this secret that you were hospitalized ..." she had replied in mock anger but in turn CV had sat with grim expression

Huffing out his anger "Can I ask how many more days you need to think about your future with Ashuthosh..." CV had asked her in brisk voice...

His question had caught her off guard...yes initially she had her set of reservation, her fears and confusion which overruled her decision

And there was this dilemma whether she will be able to give him everything which he might expect from her ...whether she can love him? Whether she can love any one at all , can able to trust another person at all and then there was this set of complexes which she carried within her...Like destruction ready to explode anytime consuming her whole world. Which put her in fear, in confusion, in endless turmoil whether she is worthy of him? Doesn't he deserve someone better? Why any has to live with someone like her? What if someday he starts regretting choosing her? What if ...what if

Those were questions and reflection of havoc which she only ignited and whenever she tried to put her worries in words ...the world around laughed at her, mocked and ridiculed listening to her silly thoughts "what a loser, you can't even control your thoughts" her conscience hissed every time she stepped upon such situation, making her cringe back and suppress all her bitterness inside her ...Eventually she feared to blurt out those leave alone to share her thoughts. But there were times, when someone would simply smell the destruction she carries but they end up advising her to replace her, self hatred with self love ...when they said , it sounded such a easy process ...;like she just has to swap herself with love wiping out hatred but it is long after she met Ashuthosh ..It is long after she met Dr aurobindo ...when she sat facing him, telling him about her deepest worries and unsaid fears ...he pointed out that Self love is not some remedy which she can use to fix herself...but indeed it is the result, a landing point which she will reach once she get healed and to achieve it ...through his words she realized she need to tame those demons, question them back and talk with them, release the judgments and when things goes off hand he taught her to lessen the intensity of those voices ...he asked her to treat those self critical voices as just a thought and not reality...she wriggled , twitched when she felt unable to shoo them off...many times she wished Ashuthosh will leave her alone with her destruction ...but he was adamant, he was stubborn on his point and he made clear that he will not leave her ..Not in this life time and those times when she crumbled down, he whispered his love in hushed voice making her smile even her pain "I am here and I love you ...and I don't care if you stay up crying all night, I will stay with you and there is nothing you can do to lose my love" his voice soft like velvet and beautiful just like him always sent flood of comfort through her inside ...her heart which never beat for anyone, which altogether forgot to love..Which was shattered and shoved under blanket of darkness, fluttered whenever she heard his voice ...whenever she looked into his kind eyes , whenever she heard his blunt yet refined voice.

"Don't you think you are taking advantage of their kindness...huh" Cv had muttered in his stern voice and she had realized truth behind those words

"your mother was quick to please ...she did not give hard time like you are giving to Ashuthosh ...you are so stubborn and...so particular" he had mentioned in irate voice

" Mathur is very good friend of mine ...it was his kindness that he waited so long for you take your decision and now I think it's time you finally decide what to do further...that boy, revolve around you day and night ...just making sure I am fine , you are fine ...even Db is coming , I cannot help you much in this" he had grumbled in annoyance

Even Her troubled look did not softened him that time instead he had mumbled in his stern voice" Nidhi ...listen to me, Ashuthosh is not some stranger now ...you know him pretty well , you are seeing him from past one month and there is no doubt that he is gem of person and ...I feel he is going to be good for you... life is all about taking risk nidhi, if you keep on thinking about getting hurt you cannot live ...I hope you understood my point" he had mentioned in rough voice like the topic is closed and Nidhi was once again pushed into dilemma

"Something is troubling you? Out with it ..." Dr A asked her

Crawling back to present, she looked around...Nowhere in particular "Baba asked about my decision ..." She paused and looked at him intently "I know I am giving everyone hard time by not saying anything but still I am bit ..."

"Apprehensive..." he ended the sentence.

Blinking her eyes, she shook her head ...

"What is stopping you here?" he asked once more

Sitting still, she dwelled on his words "what is stopping me here?" she tried to understand, analyze and picking up words from the deepest core of heart she replied "Amar was good when I first met him, he changed later on... People change don't they ...?"

"Twisted mindset ..." he said and stopped abruptly "you are judging your present based on your disturbed past ...you are twisting your present and so the future looking bleak and hopeless and conclusion you are getting is everything will go wrong eventually ..."

She looked defeated "Have I ever you told you that before becoming psychologist ...I was an accountant, and then a cheff, then a sales person and then guest relationship manager...Did I ?"He asked

She shook her head " I was 21, fresh out of college back then... I got a job in one private company as accountant ...Work was fine but not people ...due to my rebellious nature I became the victim of corporate politics, people used me to climb the ladder and I was thrown out ...I became jobless, with black mark on my Cv, A major disappoint to my parents ...such a troublesome boy they said when I sat for months searching another job, no one hired me ...then the offer came, a chef in old metro links.. Pay was nice but still "Chef, its woman job ...Cutting and cooking huh" My father scowled, all my siblings were well settled by then but I stood out as major disappointment to him" turning around to find a glass, he refilled with water and took a sip

Leaning back in his chair, he stared at Nidhi "Totally new world it was for me, new challenge but I took ...I loved my job and I enjoyed travelling the world..People from different corner of the world came there , I worked with them , Africans , Croatians, Russian , French ...Chinese , Japanese , Lebanese ...I was living a hippy life never settling down in single city constantly travelling around the world ...I became clueless after a period of time where I am heading , I asked myself , I reached a saturation point ...my job started frustrating me and only solution I found is quitting job, Again I came back to my parents ...jobless, such disappoint you are..My father grumbled" he stopped

"You must be wondering, why this old man even telling you these things" looking at her intently he smiled "I took chance every moment in my life ...I took risk even I was clueless and apprehensive, I lost most of the time...I will not deny that ...I was 30 when I came back to my parents once again jobless, no girlfriend of course not married till then ...and it is then I again started building my life from scratch ..I studied human brain and complexities of behaviors, using my years experience dealing with various kinds of people I studied, analyzed and finally I found right door ...I knocked on hundred wrong doors to ultimately find the right door but every time I fell apart, every time I lost, defeated I came back ...I showed the courage to get up on my feet and I succeeded in the end"

His voice filled with nostalgia that one could almost see the floating memories of his defeat, of his disappointment and of course of his courage he showed during his dark times

He gave her comforting smile like he is passing a feeling, courage to her through his words "What I should do now ..." She asked slowly

"Answer my questions ...I want honest answer can you give?" he raised his eyes brow

Nodding her head she leaned forward "what should a healthy relationship

Provide for the people in it?"

In the silence that prevailed she dwelled on his question "self esteem is important" she was tentative, shy and uncertain...She looked sad and her eyes moistened.

"The person you are with should care about you - and let you know that they care. They should be affectionate, build you up. Focus on your strengths. Be honest when you screw up but still treat you with respect and, of course, you should do the same for them"

His eyes softened "And I believe you did not receive any of these in your past relationship" he asked

" yes ..." came her meek reply

"Are you receiving it now? With Ashuthosh ..." his voice deep resonated through her silence

Closing her eyes tight shut, she imagined him...Ashuthosh ...involuntary a smile crawled on her face "yes ..." she replied meekly but there was certainty in her voice

With a triumphant smile Dr A looked at her "There is saying, you can always take the lost part of yourself ...if you find and recognize them, don't you think it's time you step forward" He mentioned in his deep voice , his sharp eyes , affectionate , comforting shone brightly like morning sun

His smile hard, calloused full of scars but still he looked happy with that smile on...really happy!

Like a winner who rose every time he turned down to dust...!

Sitting inside turbine powered aircraft, Nidhi looked around uneasily and her gaze landed over Rohan who is busy checking out his goggles ...Her tummy knotted in fear and she gave uneasy glance towards Anjie ...In reply Anjie smiled back

Huffing out her nervousness finally she looked at Ashuthosh ...he came and sat next to her "how's is my surprise?" he asked

"Scary ..." she looked around apprehensively

"Scary!..I thought sky diving is your dream...you told me how much you want to do this" he replied

"Sometimes dreams are scary" she frowned

He chuckled "Even I am scared ..."

"Are you?" she asked looking at his face

"Yes ...I never did this in my life and I am scared of heights" he admitted

"And you still want to do this, why?" she asked perplexed

"Because I am scared so ..." her brain did not understand the logic behind his words, gazing outside her eyes followed the line until she could see outside

"We are over clouds ..." Nidhi exclaimed

"We are above 15000 ft ..." Rohan grinned in excitement

"You got to be kidding me ..." nidhi exclaimed

" no we are actually .." Anjie added

"But it's too high ...isn't it?" she looked at 3 faces but all of them shrugged their shoulder and looked away

" of course it is too much ..you cannot do sky diving from your terrace can you !" Rohan rolled his eyes

Nidhi scowled

" I am ready ..." Rohan winked at them and moved towards door and after talking to instructor about precautionary measures in one swift motion he jumped outside " Rohan is gone ..." Nidhi looked tensed

Ashuthosh chuckled "don't worry ...he will be fine"

After sitting there for some second, Nidhi whimpered "I don't want to go out there ..." she clutched his finger

"oh common nidhi...you always wanted to do sky diving and beside we spent half day on that basic training and now you cannot back out ..."

"I think, I am falling sick ..." Nidhi made face

"will you please stop that ...jijaji , don't fall for that ..she can be real nautanki " Anjie scowled

" Shut up Anje ..I think , I will puke" Nidhi made a face

"ewww ...I am out of here" anjie made a face and walked towards door and in one swift motion she is also gone

With a sigh , Ashu got up " you can stay back if you don't want to come ..." He smiled

"You are going?" She asked perplexed

"Of course ...I came till here, now I need to go" he replied and walked towards door

As he walked away from her she realized, she will lose him if she don't make a choice, if she don't take plunge into vast blueness and at that moment losing him sounded utterly horrible than her silly fears

Clustering her courage "wait ..." she called out

" I will come ..After you" she whimpered "otherwise, Rohan will make fun of me for the rest of my life" he chuckled

Taking slow and stumbling steps...she took his hands, he looked into her eyes "don't listen to those soul suckers ...they are not worth it" he hushed in her ear

A quick smile crawled on her face but next moment her face crumpled when she stared at instructor

"What is the death rate during sky diving" she asked curiously

"100 %madam..." he grinned back if you don't open your parachute on time" he gave toothy grin

"Shit ..."Nidhi muttered

Ashu glared at him "don't listen to him Nidhi..." He tried to lessen her fear

Taking lungful of air, she looked out at vast blueness and beautiful sky...like she stepped over the edge, her heart in her mouth and her tummy in knots..She paled "you are turning blue"

"I am sick scared ..." she admitted

"Why ...?"

"People died doing this, many got hurt too ..."

"Not everyone..."

"I might die ..."

"You wont ..." he said, his voice assured "you'd never do that to me" he smiled ...adjusting his goggles ...he gave her one last glance, releasing her tightened fingers

"For once let it all go Nidhi ...All your fears" he hushed, a comforting whisper...

"Ok ..." she responded, with lot of reluctance, closing her eyes, she waited ...he jumped and pulled her along with him...may be imagined it , may she only jumped along with him ...

For a moment, she felt hung suspended...nothing and then she lost him, his touch somewhere...they pulled apart.

She felt left alone, all on her own...with no ground below , no rope to hold on, there is nothing but vast emptiness and endless silence ...then gravity took over and she plunged towards ground, she felt pulled in all direction , scattered along with her thoughts , her frightening voices ripping through her heart ...no balance , nothing to hold on she feared ...Instinctively she released her muscles , loosening the strain on them , she freed herself ... finding her lost balance, her body perfectly under control , she felt a power over her mind like she can hang in between ...not falling towards heaven , nor towards hell .. A wave of happiness oozed out and pulling the parachute ... rebounding, flying back up before falling again..She squealed, a real hearty laugh, triumphant laugh after conquering her fears, after taking the leap...after silencing those voices, clutching them below her knuckles, under her control ...she swayed gracefully like soft feather

Opening her eyes, bright sunshine filtered and reflected through her golden smile ...

She felt the touch of ground, hard and wet, carrying smell of new rain ...baby walking, wobbling she saw him few feet away ...Grinning!

Without thinking, wasting any more times ...She half ran, half dragged herself with weight of open parachute...leaping in his arms, those arms ready to take her in , hugging her to his chest...she breathed " I love you ..." She hushed in his ear ... a whisper breath heavy with emotions and exploding happiness ...She let those words out

He blinked, he breathed... holding her at arms length, he gauged her expression and then his expression changed ...something pleasant, like thousand sun shone over his face...he brightened "I love you too ..." he whispered
She felt it. Her eyes on him, his on her, and both of them breathing, watching, tired of waiting.

Closing her eyes she came forward and kissed him on lips, her mouth soft on his...Putting both her around he pulled her to him ...his lips softened, she could feel his thudding heart beat and ever growing warmth ...wounding her fingers in his hairs, she pulled his face down kissed him, whispering endearment again and again until he sealed her mouth firmly with his, devouring her with his kisses, with his love...until they left breathless and red with exploding delight...!

As they pulled back they saw Anjie and rohan, coming towards them... cheeks flushed, hair tousled, he smiled and looking into her eyes intently "Marry me, will you ...?" he whispered

Taking a long deep breath " I will always love you ...I will never let you down , I will never regret choosing me , never" he murmured ,his eyes full of promise ,..He looked down and the expression on her face made his heart pound

" woohhoo what is happening here " Rohan popped just in time followed by anjie

Standing at her side, Ashu took her hand; tugging at his shirt...she looked at her 2 best friends and said "we are getting married ..."

Ashuthosh tried something to say but he was too happy to think anything, leaning towards her side ...he kissed on her head affectionately as they pulled by her friends in bear hug ...!

I do hope this is not too much to read for you ppl 😛 😆 I wrote this in hurry , I hope it came out well ..Please do let me know 😃

Thank you 😊

Originally posted by: gargpoo

me first

thanks for the update sai😊

Originally posted by: saibanu

I think , this will be confusing ..There are 3 chapters

Page 46 , 47 and 48 ...

Thank you for the looong update...👏