OS-HazaaroN KHwahishaiN Aisee CHapter 5-Page14 - Page 11

Ashuthosh:-

What one should do when you realize you are in love with your best friend, with whom you shared most of your secrets but could not express your deepest emotions which you felt for her?

What one should do, when you realize that you lost her at one pint of time'..but suddenly one day you find her once again in your life?

What one should do when the very same person whom you wanted to see happy and full of joy comes back to you with sullen face and lot more of pain?

What one should do, when your heart still beat for the same person but you realize her heart is shattered because of someone else?

What one should?

Should I go on my knees and confess my love considering that may be life has given one more chance to get her back in my life '..!

Or Should I swallow all my unexpressed emotions once again and stand at her side like strong pillar during her darker times 'giving her my shoulder to lean on and my hand until she can stand on her own?

It is a constant struggle which kept me awake most of the night '..There is a tiny part of me'.which is pushing me to be little bit selfish and confess my love but there is part of me which is drawing me back and asking me to stand at her side and be a good friend '

As I slept in my bed thinking about all this, with all this questions lingering in my head...I felt so giddy and worn out...My sour throat ached, my head spinned and I curled into a ball, pulling my feverish body in fetus position '

"Ashuthosh '." I opened my eyes to the sweetest sound of her voice

She stared at me with worry, I tried to get up but I felt this huge weight on my chest and I couldn't move

May be she sensed my discomfort because she came towards me, taking frantic steps and sat next to me '.

I closed my eyes as she placed her warm hands on my forehead ..." you are running with high fever '.did you consulted a doctor?" I heard her say

" I am a doctor .." I mumbled

She ignored my answer as she ran to grab her mobile '" I am going to call Armaan now .." I heard her anxious voice '..

I tried hard to concentrate on what she is telling but I felt so tired '." Ashuthosh '.Why dint you called me, if you were not well'." She yelled at me

"Armaan is psychiatrist 'he cannot help with my fever ..." I blabbered

"Did you took any medication '." She asked

" It is just fever '.so I did not called you " I wheezed my words

"it is not Just fever ..it is fever 'look at your condition , why can't you take care of yourself properly , I called Armaan 'he is coming with a doctor "

"Armaan is also a doctor ..." I mumbled

" he is psychiatrist as you said 'so he is coming with proper doctor to treat your fever "

"I have to study case file of one of my patient ...looks like she has cyst in her uterus " I grumbled as my body ached and I felt too heavy from inside '. By that time, I found it too hard to keep up with what she asking or what I am telling, I feared that I might end up blurting all about it in between all this

"Nidhi 'you should go now '" I mumbled closing my eyes

"No, I am not leaving you like this '.."

"I am fine '..Besides, I don't want to burden you "

"You are not a burden to me '." She mumbled taking my hand

I stared at her for a long time, through my red rimmed eyes'.. "it was the hardest decision '.to leave you behind and go away nidhi "I gasped my words

"But you came back to me '." She gave one of her reassuring smile'.

" but I was not there for you when you needed me '.when you needed me the most ' I was not there to help you "

She did not responded for long time '.after a brief pause, I heard her

"Ashuthosh '..Do you remember once you said 'the person you can call midnight..and no matter what , you can count on them , even if they are asleep , even if it's cold 'you said you can count on them and they will come for you '.For me it is you Ashuthosh , a friend , whom I can count on ...for whom I can call 2 Am , for whom I can rely ..And I knew that you will always come for me '.come for my help and you always did '" She looked at me with her soft brown eyes and tender look and impulsively she leaned forward and muffled my hair and smiled at me affectionately ''.

That moment when I saw her, saw her smile '. I realized that...I cannot be selfish and think only about my happiness '.I could not do it! Because that is how it worked for me '..Always has been

Because when Nidhi comes into picture, it is her 'about whom I think first neither myself nor my happiness but ''It is Nidhi and only her happiness'

.

Nidhi:-

I was never good at hidings or keeping secret ...At least not with Ashuthosh, he had his own way to come around and catch me in most discrete time'.

when I realized my secret is finally out, right in front of Ashuthosh 'for a second, I was caught off guard because I was uncertain, how he will take it 'even before I could explain, he extended his hand and took me in his warm embrace'his grip was firm and protective and his whisper ""Nidhi, when you're ready to talk about it, I'll be here. That's what best friends are for" that was all I needed, it is strange how well Ashuthosh know to console me, make me feel better with his simple words'.

I gazed at his side 'Ashuthosh sat on couch sipping dilute soup which I prepared for him'he was still weak and exhausted'it was couple of days after we returned from medical camp, he fell sick 'may be the result of strong antibiotic, he slept most of the time while we took care of him '.'I never saw him so sick and worn out, it scared me and at a point we decided to shift him to hospital or to my place until he recover 'but within days , he slightly recovered and even called his anxious Nana and told him '.that he is fit and fine and can even run a marathon if he get a chance '.

Thinking about all this I smiled, but not more than a second as I remembered rohan's brief phone call which I received just a day before stating that he need my signature to relive himself from our joint bank account '.I closed my eyes in distress '.

"Nidhi" I looked back to find Ashuthosh staring at me '..

"Remember what I said yesterday," he said. "You're hurt. But you'll get through it. You'll be okay." He uttered,

Even though he was way too cautious to broach the topic but he never stopped when I wanted to talk'.

I closed my eyes tightly "it's not only about hurt '..It's about trust" I pressed on each word as I needed to vent out ''

He looked at me and nodded his head and asked me to continue '.

"Ashuthosh 'Trust is very important element in one's relationship, when trust is lost...it is very difficult to regain'.even 'if ..Even if we manage through it but your perceptive towards that person would be damaged'.. by then, and trusting the same person twice who betrayed you will take a lot more of your mental energy '."

I stopped in middle suddenly feeling too overstuffed with emotions; he smiled reassuringly and mumbled "I am listening '"

"' There is lot more uncertainty and fear of getting hurt again Ashuthosh .." " .it feel strange now , when I think 'why I said yes to him or why carried out with him for so many years when I knew that our relationship was going nowhere '..What was that? Which did not let us break apart? My faith in him always came with an underlining caution that he can leave me any moment '. "

He squeezed my hand '" what if I don't '? Don't get through this hurt'this whole situation 'whatever it is?" I mumbled anxiously

"Then I personally make fun of you every day for the rest of your life 'I will call you cry baby in front of everyone ..." I stared at him in annoyance, anger and wary amusement '

His breath escaped in hiccups as he suppressed his chuckle looking at my annoyed face '" you do realize what I am capable of doing to you right " I yelled punching him hard

"ouch ..That hurts Nidhi'"

"Good then ' you are so annoying and mean sometime and you deserve that '." I gave him rueful look'.

" I was just helping you '"

"This is not helping 'you are making fun of me "

"No I am not'..it's true, I really mean what I just said "

I glared at him after couple of minute he mumbled '" I really mean what I just said nidhi 'you will really get through this 'you grow out of this, strong and happy towards your bright future 'you will trust again and the person never ever break your heart ' he will love you '.and stand beside you and never let you down '.you will be okay " he tugged my shoulder and smiled at me '

That moment, when I stopped and stared at him'The very first things I saw was his eyes, brighter than starry sky, they gazed at me so dazzling and for an instant, I couldn't even feel the pain nor my hurt 'I was too overcome by this handsomeness of this dark haired boy 'with his eyes and the way he gazed at me with such tender look.

" How is it possible for you 'how do you know 'to make me feel better '?, how do you do it ?"

He smiled "we are friends from how long '? Nineteen years, eight months, two weeks, four days," he stopped and watched the long shadow look at his watch. "Sixteen hours, four minutes and forty seven seconds and counting I'd say; give or take thirty minutes'and if you want to exclude those 10 years we were apart '..it will be nine years three months '.hmm'one week and five days '.huh ?"

Putting hands over my face and I laughed to keep from crying. "Please tell me you made half of that up. Who actually keeps track of time like that?"

"I do '" he murmured and the instant when I looked at him 'I understood he meant it '.He really meant it '

Ashuthosh:-

I always wished , dreamed of bringing nidhi here 'to Delhi , I wanted her meet my Nana, I wanted her to see the person who guided me , rescued me , cared for me and loved me immensely just like she did 'during those times when everything fell apart.

I wanted her to see the world where I lived in, those 10 years when we were apart. I wanted to tell her everything about those days, about my friends and about those old ragging days and seminars and internship studies '.

Finally when she came to Delhi with me '.I could not stop feeling gratified with the prospect of spending time with her and showing her the corner of the world where I lived those 10 years and introducing her to the person who took care of me just like she did ''

Nidhi did not even took much time, within hours I saw her, getting along with my Nanaji telling him all about my childhood days, that what a bad dancer I am and but indeed what a nerd who never get tired of reading books ''They gelled well together and tagging as a team, both of them bossed around me in turn '.

First day, I took her to my college; we strolled in campus where she bugged me until I showed her my class room and those places where I spent most of my student life'

I even took her to purani qila..Where we enjoyed boating in the lake, I took her to Rastrapatahi bhavan and lotus temple and finally to Akshardham temple which she wanted to see '.she actually tried count number of statues carved on pillars of that temple '.

I smiled remembering her face in the end when she realized it's not at all possible to count those statues '.

"Let's go "Startled, I stared at her face, faint orange color coated the corner of her lips '

"do you remember those summer days we used to eat these flavored ice candies till our mouth turn mixture of orange , yellow and pink color .." she grinned '.

"Yes '. And also I do remember the spicy mango mixture you prepared for 3 of us '.it used to be tangy, spicy and yummy'."

We just returned from India gate after watching mime show which is going on in open ground

" so you liking here in Delhi '."I asked her

" yes 'it's great.. Hmm'.here this one is for Nanaji "

She placed ice cream pack on dash board '.." you can't be serious, he cannot eat this '.." I scowled '

"Ashuthosh, stop being doctor all the time '.let him enjoy his life , it's just a ice cream'."

"'ice cream not good for him; his sugar level is high '"

"I promised that I will get ice cream for him'..And beside don't worry; I substitute it for other carbohydrate in his meal plan '."

"You are spoiling him '."

"Now, you are making him sound like a kid and you are sounding like Nanaji ..." she chuckled

We heard the sound of laughter and joyous talk as we reached home '.I stopped in middle and slowly my lips stretched when I saw who is standing in front of me '..

I could not even got chance to think , within second .she came forward and leaped in my arms , before I could barely mumble " Mallika " ''.

Nidhi:-

"Mallika "''.startled I stared at his face, he was grinning ear to ear. I was not sure who she was but a part of me suddenly burned as she looked at him like that '.as if nothing really matter to her apart from him and no one ever really exist apart from him '

Why should I feel like this and what for? I wondered ' Possessive, I never thought that I could feel this nor I ever felt it...even when I was wary and suspicious of Rohan's behavior, I never cared nor felt something like this all through my life '.

Silently, I moved away and stood beside Nanaji "Mallika'..how come you are here?...when you came back from London '? You did not even care to inform" he complained.

" Ashuthosh '..how can I ? When even I was not sure '.it was sudden decision and I came in , waise Armaan informed me that you are here ..So I came running to see you ..godd! missed you like hell 'how are you ? 'you put on weight mister ' and you are looking bit more healthy than last time 'isn't it true Nana ?" she peeked at our side '

Nanaji nodded his head " Mallika , I should say ..all because of nidhi , thanks to her ..she was there, to take care of him '."

Her smiling face, suddenly turned cold and aloof when she set her eyes on me '

Ashuthosh looked at my side and extended his hand towards me '.

I could not stop feeling elated just then ..." Nidhi '.come over here, you have to meet her " he took my hand " Mallika ..This is Nidhi '.my...Childhood friend, I told you about her '."

She smiled forcibly ' " I know 'who Nidhi is " I found her tone bit more sarcastic and bitter "I heard lot about you 'or should I say , Ashuthosh never got tired of telling us about you" He huffed a laugh '.

" I am Mallika '. Ashuthosh's best friend '" I shook her hand feeling suddenly anxious, a kind of bitterness and resentment lingered in her eyes, Not sure why ?

"Nice to meet you '" I mumbled smilingly

" Ashuthosh is the best and my one and only friend , there was no single day where we spent apart from each other '.inst it Ashuthosh ?" She peeked at his side

" yeah until you decided to leave me and go away to England " he smiled '.

" I asked you to come along with me 'but you refused " she rued

" Ohh..Mallika , now let's forget all about it , why don't you stay for dinner today ..I will prepare your favorite rajma chawal '."

" I want to but '.not today , I will come some other day but before that 'I came for something else here 'guess what ?"

Ashuthosh looked at her face curiously "what is it ? 'don't tell me you are getting married '?"

she nodded ..." yes, I am ''and I want you to be my sides all through it will you Ashuthosh ..?"

"You are telling me now that you are getting married '.who is the lucky guy and when is it ?"

" He used to work here in city hospital but now he is shifting to London with me '..He found a job there itself "

"And when are you getting married?"

"Tomorrow '.!"

"Tomorrow!! '.what is it some kind of joke?"

" I know it is sudden ..His families are bit uncertain about our relationship so even before they change their mind, he wants us to get married '.."

"Where is it?"

" Me and Jagan , going for court marriage ..He does not like to spend so grandly on marriage instead we planned to visit old age home after the marriage and celebrate our day with them ..."

"He sounds like very sensible and good guy'."

"He is '.I told him so much about you and now he want to meet you...now before that , do you mind , if I take Nidhi along with me ..I need some help with wedding? "

Ashuthosh peeked at my side "Nidhi 'can you?"

"I will go '." After a brief pause I mumbled uncertainly

Mallika smiled and soon after that we left for her shopping '.we purchased a nice ruby red saree with thick silver embroidery which gave rich look and jewellery of diamond and red rubies '..

After long shopping day, we visited nearby barista '.. Even though we spent couple hours together in shopping but there is this silence, this uncomfortable feeling which I could not get over '.As I sat there sipping my cold coffee, I felt her gaze fixed on me '.

"Nidhi '" she called my name finally

I looked up at her face "do you know 'that I loved Ashuthosh ...?"

Something pricked inside me, I looked down to hide my distress and these emotions made me choke on my coffee "No ..." I replied gasping for breath

"He never loved me back '.He said, he cannot '.."

I wondered why she is telling me all this and why does it affecting me so much " do you know why '? " she asked

I shook my head "He said 'he already in love with someone else ''He can love only her no matter what '."

I stared at her face for some kind of understanding " I am telling you because 'you are his best friend , good friend 'you know him pretty well , better than me I guess ''" she stopped in middle and looked away

" and I don't know who that girl is '..but I am telling you all this because I want you to be with him '..He does not say anything but I know he is not happy '"

" and he look up to you so much '..there is not a single day where he did not missed you , he used to talk about you day and night 'and '..I felt 'saw ''him happy whenever he remembered you I hope you understood what I mean '.?" She mumbled when I did not responded

As I sat there listening to her, Her each word, her each line told me something 'something about Ashuthosh, which he never revealed '.some unspoken bond which I never recognized before , which tied us long back so strongly , so firmly 'which Ashuthosh carried with him , even when he left ' " who is that girl ? " " what happed to her ?" " why Ashuthosh did not moved on if she left him '.?" " Why Mallika telling me all this ?" " and why I feel that she resent me ..or is it some kind of jealousy towards me which I witnessed in her eyes " ..the more I thought about it , It all looked like jigsaw puzzle which I could not solve'.I sighed hard and finally looked at her side and mumbled '" No '..I don't know, what you mean '" I could only mumble my words'.

Ashuthosh:-

Many scientific studies including research conducting among children's of alcoholic have shown that genetic factors influence alcoholism. These findings show that children of alcoholics are about four times more likely than the general population to develop alcohol problems. While growing up, secretly I used to worry that one day even I will turn out just like my baba, an alcoholic ' that one day suddenly silent alleles of my chromosomal structure become active and turn me into someone like my baba '.

Whenever those thoughts crossed my mind, I read statistic and figures searching for the possibility that I will not turn out like him '. Whenever someone stated how much I am like my father '.. I used to scream inside, I am not at all like my baba '.nowhere close, and it was my escape to release me from the worries and confusion which haunted me all those years '

It was couple of months before he died, he came to me '. I waited impatiently as he slowly wheezed his words.

" Ashuthosh '." He panted; stench of his alcohol breath stung my nose'I turned away from him

"What a pity, my life has become ..." he sounded dull and depressed.

" I never became a good father which your mother wanted me to be '..I 'left you all alone 'never took care of you , never took you out to show you how big this worlds is , never talked to you , never asked whether you had your dinner '.I was never ever there for you '."

He rubbed both his palm and covered his face, I heard him sigh hard '." It was your mother '..I could not get over her; I'..could not move on without her, cannot rip her put of my head ''" He looked exhausted and lonely '

He breathed under his hiccupping sobs and slowly mumbled "I loved your mother so much 'that it killed me to lose her '.."

I stared at him for long time and with each second, it dawned on me that no matter how much I struggle or scream...but in the end its true that I am so much like him and somewhere on the way, it's true that he passed me those traits to love someone whole heartedly, to give yourself completely to one person '.so much that you cannot get over them even after realizing that you lost them '.sitting right next to him, I realized that, likewise how he cannot get over my mother, even I cannot get over nidhi ...I can never get over her and move on'. no matter what ''!

Thinking about all this 'I waited outside with nana as Mallika made her way with jagan, her going to be husband...We shook hand and for me, he looked very polite and sensible guy who will fill mallika 's world with happiness '..Who take care of her and stand beside her during her thick and thin '

We entered register office and I looked around searching for Nidhi, Mallika smiled at me understandingly. And then Nidhi came inside holding 2 garlands and handing over each to mallika and Jagan

She looked so beautiful; with her thick long hair and deep brown eyes '.I could not look away from her ' I hated that anyone else should see it. I wished it were something I alone could see. And I knew I was alone, that nobody saw it but me. And I knew that everyone could see it. And still no one could but me'.

I was jerked out to real world as everyone clapped and cheered for newlyweds '..

She came and stood beside me '.when my eyes met her gaze, I felt those are piercing mine and I swear at the moment that she is sensing the real me ''and what she is to me

She took my hands slowly as I looked away to hide sudden burst of emotions '" They look good together don't they '." She mumbled with a faraway look and dreamy look. With a small smile on her face'.I don't know what she was thinking or what is making her smile like that but whatever it is '.I found a new kind of happiness which I never witnessed on her face..Something warm, peaceful and dream like '..

Nidhi:-

I am not sure how old we were back then, I think 15 or 16 yr old '. because of constant pouring of rain , that day lake was overflowing and it looked scary to step in for swim ..And myself being bad swimmer, I refused to jump in when rohan decided to go for swim '.

And after constant bugging from Rohan, I too joined '.after couple of minutes, I found myself moving toward danger area but the more I tried to get back '. I found myself moving swiftly towards it '." Nidhi don't got that side '.come back here " rohan 's words mingled with panic and I peddled my knees to come back to land '.but soon my knees felt weak and I started getting severe cramps which made me drown inside water 'I struggled for couple of minutes and then called for rohan '

I saw him hesitating to come to rescue me as he cried "Nidhi ...I will go get someone '..Just hold on for some time '"

I saw him swimming and disappearing to get someone but soon after when I thought I can no longer keep up...I felt like drowning inside and I could not struggle this time'.suddenly I felt a pair of hand grabbing my waist and pulling me out of water and taking me towards land '.I felt him patting my cheek and calling my name '.after taking few frantic breath, I rolled on ground mumbling " I am fine Rohan 'fine "

But when I opened my eyes, I realized it was not Rohan who saved me 'but it was Ashuthosh, I saw relief flooding though his eyes and smile creeping on his lips when he realized I am fine '. I saw deep cut just near his forehead and it was bleeding slightly but he was not at all bothered about his bleeding forehead , nor how danger it was to jump in and pull me out of danger zone '.because even then , all he cared , was me 'and only me '.

I stood thinking about those memories and staring at magnificent and one of the wonders of the world '.I wondered how someone could love their beloved so much '.that their dedication to them became one of the wonders of the world'.

Open sky thundered and slowly it started to drizzle '.I extended my hand grasping tiny droplets of rain, it soaked my mind, my heart '.carrying a fresh smell in my life, not to muddy my days but to make me clam and hopeful '.

I saw him 'Ashuthosh '.he came running to me holding an umbrella. It was clear plastic, with decals of colorful flowers designs on sideways'." Don't tell me you knew before hand that it's going to rain "I asked him getting under umbrella '.

"I knew '" he smiled looking away '

After a brief pause, he mumbled '" do you remember once you asked me '"
I stared at his face'.

"You asked 'if I can take you to Agra 'because you wanted to see Tajmahal'.you said ...You wanted to stand outside drenching in drizzle as faint sunshine reflect through white walls of Tajmahal '.and when we look up , there should big rainbow just above our head '." He grinned '

"But there is no rainbow '."I mumbled

"Yes, but its drizzling '..And you are standing outside Tajmahal "his eyes dart to my face and he smiled at me '

" ..I' did not expected you to remember '.about it for so long " I mumbled staring at his eyes '

He gave shaky laugh " I always remembered ..I could never forget it, all those years '.whenever I missed you , I used to come here 'wishing ..That I will find you here " he looked away '.

There was pain and something deep his eyes which I could not comprehend '.

"Can I say something?' I asked
'Go on'
"Just...I missed you, you know.' I blurted out
'I missed you too.' He mumbled '.
'But so, so much, There were so many things I wanted to talk to you about, and you weren't there-'
'same here.'
'I tell you what it is. It's...When I didn't see you, I thought about you every day, I mean EVERY DAY in some way or another'

"Same here"

Even if it was just "I wish Ashuthosh could see this" or "Where's Ashuthosh now?" or "god' that Ashuthosh, what an idiot", you know what I mean..

He gives out a shaky laugh '." I know "

"Even when I was with Rohan'I used to think about you one or the other way'.does it make me sound like a cheat now?"

"I don't know '." He shook his head

"Well it does not matter now '." I grinned wickedly and leaned forward and snuggled in his arm '..I felt warmth, lot more of affection and uncanny emotions twirling around me , I found him hesitating for a second and then he envelop me in his arm , pulling me in deeply in him '.with his one hand , he hugs me. Really hugs me. Like he thinks that there's only one of me and I'm special and I'm enough for him. Like he doesn't need anything else. Like he was alone and then I came along'.I close my eyes, inhaling his scent, clutching his shirt...As my heart burst with thousand emotions and look at his face '.I saw faint scar on his forehead like a reminder of his love and I see same emotions ravaging on his face 'and I see the real Ashuthosh who loved me so much and in his eyes I see the real Nidhi , who loved him so much ..but never realized it back then but ..now I realize , that Ashuthosh was not just friend but someone I loved '.always loved him so much '.

Once again , I am extrememly sory for the delay ..but I wil make sure to give next chapter by thrusday 😃

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