OS- Leave me never- complete

The silence in the room is so thick you can actually slice it with a knife. He has not spoken a word since it all came out. Since he got incontrovertible proof that Mallika was not what he thought her to be. From then, he has not spoken a word. She had pleaded, she had begged, she had even threatened to kill herself but none of it worked this time. With no other choice left to her, she had finally left. It was all over!

Is it really over, I wonder? For, he has not said a word since then. Baba had come to me with tears in his eyes and folded hands and begged for my forgiveness. He said he was ashamed that, even knowing the person that I was, he had chosen to take Mallika's side over mine. I felt small seeing this old man begging for my forgiveness. I told him that he couldn't be blamed since he had known Mallika for longer. He reacted like I had dealt him a whiplash. Unknowingly, I had reminded him of his greatest crime, his abandoning of his daughter and her child. I tried to apologize and told him I did not mean it that way. He shook his head and said I was far too generous for that. He said he was glad that I had not inherited his small-mindedness and that I was a better human being than he ever would be! I could not bear the weight of such words and asked him to stop. He held my hand and took it to his eyes. I could feel the wetness of his tears. Horrified, I hugged him and asked him to stop. He broke down then and sobbed asking if his list of crimes would never stop growing. He had wronged my mother and now me. I told him I was not fortunate enough to have known my mother but was sure that she would be angry with me for allowing her father to break thus. He hugged me tight then, repeatedly saying that Nandini should feel proud that she had brought such a beautiful child into this world. It was her misfortune that she had not lived to see me grow. He drew back, held my face in his hands and kissed my forehead with all the pent up love in him, my mother's share and mine too! He told me that nothing gave him more pride than the fact that he was my grandfather. He blessed me once again before he moved way. I saw him glance in Ashutosh's direction. There was a strange mixture of emotions in his eyes ' regret, sorrow, guilt, pity and compassion. He did not say a word though and moved away.

The house seemed like it was in mourning. There was a funereal silence that I did not know how to break. I had been very clinical in my efforts at exposing her and did not give into the temptation to gloat. What was the point anyway? What had happened had happened and the truth was finally out! How did it matter who knew first and who knew last? All that mattered was that we all knew now and that was all!

Hiraman Kaka came in wanting to know about dinner. I realized that life goes on, even after life-shattering events! It is these mundane details that offer us an escape route from the grim realities that haunt us!

Dinner was again a quiet affair. Baba tried to speak to Ashutosh once or twice but somehow the words did not emerge. I tried to make the atmosphere somewhat lighter by talking of trivial things. I made it a point to address both Baba and Ashutosh. Baba responded with a smile and a word here and there but Ashutosh did not even look up from his plate.

Here we are now, in our bedroom, not knowing what to say to each other! He is on the bed and I am on the couch! There is a distance of hardly a few feet but neither of us seems to be able to bridge it. For my part, I don't know how to go back to the bed. What do I do, should I pretend that nothing had ever happened, should I rant and rave about how he had hurt me, since we were now alone? I have no clue but a strange lassitude grabs me. I don't want to say anything, hear anything or feel anything. All I want is the blessed numbness of sleep and so I curl up on the couch and go to sleep.

A strange noise wakes me. I open my eyes to see his body being racked by sobs. I rush to his bedside and put my hand on his head. He flinches and shrinks back, as if touched by live wire. I switch on the bedside lamp, really scared. His face is contorted and he appears in the grip of a physical pain. I am terrified now. "What's wrong, Dr Ashutosh? Why are you this way? Should I call for an ambulance? Shall I call Baba?" His lips appear to move but I can't hear what he says. I strain hard and what I hear shocks me to the core. "Leave me", he says!

(contd)

I want to be left alone to wallow in my misery; I want to be left alone to die! For my overburdened soul cannot bear the weight of her kindness. She looks at me strangely, as if unable to believe her ears. I repeat my words once again, louder this time. She rears back, as if from a bodily blow. I take a deep breath, wipe my tears away determinedly and get up. I owe her the decency of a polite goodbye!

"Nidhi, I once closed the exit door on you. I told you that you did not have the option anymore. I am taking back my words today. I am freeing you of all your promises. Please leave!"

"You want me to leave? Leave you and leave this house?"

I can see her shock, her pain and yet, I must do this! I nod my head firmly as if to say yes.

"But why? It is all over now. Are you angry with me for not being by your side, not understanding your pain? Believe me, I do. I know how much you must be hurting. I know what Mallika meant to you. I know what her betrayal has done to you. But it is nothing to do with you. She did it all to hurt me, I was her target. She did not realize that she would hurt you. I am sure she valued you too much to hurt you. I left you alone because I thought you needed time ' for you to get over the pain of her betrayal, the pain of a lost friendship. I thought..."!

"Will you please stop this nonsense"?

I did not know I shouted until I see her flinch and stop in mid-flow!

She looks like a puppy that had been kicked. No matter, just another sin against my name! I had already committed so many that a couple more would not make too much of a difference. I had already written out my own sentence! A lifetime without her!

"Are you for real?"

She looks puzzled, not quite sure what I mean.

"I have betrayed your trust, betrayed your love and let you down in ways no woman ought to forgive her husband for. And yet, you talk of my pain, my betrayal? What is wrong with you?"

Tears crowd her eyes and she starts saying something but I cut her off with a wave of my hand.

" Why didn't you rant and rave? Why didn't you scratch my eyes out? Why didn't you just go ahead and leave me? Why did you stay?"

She does not say anything. She knows I am not really looking for answers. She knows I am angry, I am angry not at her but for her! So she stays quiet and lets me have my say!

How could I have been so blind? How is it that I, who am able to sense her feelings and unspoken words so clearly now, was so out of tune with them till a few hours ago? What kind of a human being does that make me? Whatever kind that may be, it is not a kind that deserves kindness or love!

She looks at me with compassion in her eyes. I know she has read my mind. How does she do it? How does she still do it, after I had shut her off even if for a while? I remember asking her once how she had tunnelled her way into my heart. It is not my heart alone now, but my mind and my soul. And yet, I don't deserve this, I don't deserve her.

Why had I allowed Mallika to do this to me? How had I allowed this unhealthy relationship to fester for so long? Why did I not recognize the signs of her madness? What was this stranglehold that she had over me that allowed her the power to hurt someone who was dearer to me than life? All those empty words that I had uttered to Nidhi, all those empty promises come back to haunt me.

Was it because she was the first human being who had never left my side, even after I had rejected her? For I did reject her, I know that for sure. There was never any doubt in my mind and I never allowed her to entertain doubts. She was a wonderful friend and that is all she would be. I knew she loved me but I thought those were her emotions to deal with. I had made my side of the story clear. She was a dear friend for whom I had done many things and who had done many things for me but none of them ever added up to love. At least not in my mind and I had made sure not in hers too, the minute I got wind of her feelings. She did not give up easily and neither did I. She kept making her overtures and I kept rejecting them. It became a way of life for her. And yet, I could not cut away from her forever. Was it because she refused to go away or was it because she was one of the two people who had ever cared enough for me, even before Nidhi came into my life? Even Baba had gone away but Mallika had stayed. So, she became that one constant in my life, that single stabilizing force that gave me comfort in the fact that I was actually worthy of love and affection, worthy of being with! She probably contributed to my sense of self-worth in some strange way and so I could not bear to break away. I could not bear to sentence her to emotional abandonment, at least not as a friend! I knew the pain too well to want to inflict it on anyone. When she came back, I saw an opportunity to repay her for all those times when she had been my strength, my only support in trying times. She was also like a wounded bird, with broken wings and unable to fly. I wanted to heal her and then set her free and watch her soar in the skies and derive peace from having saved yet another soul, which was after all the defining purpose of my life!

I knew Mallika had erred in the past but I could not hold that against her when she was broken and defeated. I now know that she was partly responsible for Nidhi's father's heart attack but I don't think it would have made a difference even if I had known then. She was still a soul that needed to be healed and I was, am and will always remain a healer first!

When Nidhi repeatedly tried to expose Mallika's true intentions to me, I brushed them aside as the imagination of a childish mind! I even accused her of trying to kill Mallika by administering an overdose. What came over me when I said such things? Was it a sense of guilt? Did I sense her truth already? Was I subconsciously feeling guilty for entertaining doubts about someone who had always been a true friend to me? Was it this inner conflict that caused me to lash out at Nidhi, to accuse her of crimes that I very well knew she was incapable of? I don't know what it was but it will remain something that I will regret to my dying day!

Enough of my guilt and enough of my pain! I have a more important task at hand. I have to let this beautiful little angel fly away, an angel whose only crime was to offer me her heart! I have to let this angel fly away, before she is impaired for life, afflicted by my bitterness and my insecurities, my incapacity for relationships!

I look up at her and her face appears wiped clean. She looks calm as she waits for me to continue!

"For forty two years I have lived alone. Baba has been a loving presence but he had his own inner demons to fight. We tried to be each other's cure but I guess we failed. Neither of us has a hope. Neither of us knows what it takes to make relationships work. Neither of us knows what it is to trust. All we know is to hurt. All we know is to abandon. We are terminally ill and there is no cure in sight"

I pause to take a deep breath and she continues to wait. She senses I am not done!

"I am like corroding acid. I will burn all those who come into contact. You don't deserve this! You will shrivel and die with me. You need an atmosphere of love, trust and care for you to flourish. Something I am incapable of giving you. So, please go! You be at peace and let me be in peace too!"

I close my eyes, indicating to her that I am done.

"Will you be at peace if I go? Is that what you want?"

I nod my head silently, not daring to look at her.

I hear her moving about. I open my eyes to see her pulling her suitcase from the cupboard. I resign myself to living death!

She piles her clothes in the suitcase.

" You spoke of being terminally ill. What you do not know is that I am too"

I am shocked by the nonchalance with which she speaks.

"I am terminally ill too. The disease I am afflicted with is called love. There is no cure yet in sight for this. But what keeps an afflicted person alive is the proximity of the one they love. Without this presence, I am sure to shrivel and die in any case"

She picks up her suitcase

"You have hurt me beyond measure these last few days. I don't know how I've survived"

Her face remains impassive and her words too. Yet, I can feel every bit of that pain, multiplied by a million.

There is a strangling pain in my chest and my heart beat is erratic. I would have diagnosed myself as suffering from angina if I had not known better. What I suffer from is called heartbreak!

"I know I did not have to prove anything. I knew what the truth was and it should not have mattered that you did not know or did not wish to know. And yet, I couldn't stand by and watch your innate goodness being exploited that way. Call it fair play if you will!"

I cannot help smiling at that. My Nidhi is a sport; she will not stand by and watch injustice play out!

My smile fades when I realize what I just said, even if to myself. I called her my
Nidhi but that was not true anymore.

I look at her silently as she walks towards me. She comes close to me, stands by my side and waits.

Was it possible to feel any more pain? I thought I'd exhausted my quota but she was teaching me that I had capacity for more!

What did she want me to say? I realize that I have not offered her a formal apology yet. I know it is not going to make anything alright but I still owe her that! I open my mouth and then stop.

Her eyes are spitting fury.

"You told me you did not know how you would have saved me if Mallika had died due to my negligence. You told me I would have been behind bars. Well, you better brace yourself for the same if I leave"

She takes a deep breath and waits.

I can't even see her clearly, not because my spectacles aren't on but because my eyes are overflowing with tears.

I know this will not make my wrongs right. I need to do a lifetime of penance for that. But if this is what she wants, then who am I to deny her?

I take hold of her hand and she drops the suitcase.

"Leaving me is not a choice that you have, Nidhi!"

And then we are in each other's arms, our mouths fused together. The penance can wait!

Beeeauuutiful... continue please... 😍

Wow.. ur too good..👏

See i told you, you can redeem Ashu... Thanks for such a beautiful post. Simply Awesome... 😍

Originally posted by: fanktlk

See i told you, you can redeem Ashu... Thanks for such a beautiful post. Simply Awesome... 😍

Divya...this is not for Ashu,...it is for all of us...I can't cope with the pain of what is happening on the show...I figured I'd work it out in my head for my own peace...and if it gives the rest of you peace too, I can't ask for more!

wow fantastic,superb small and beautifully written.

Originally posted by: Sujatha.rao

Divya...this is not for Ashu,...it is for all of us...I can't cope with the pain of what is happening on the show...I figured I'd work it out in my head for my own peace...and if it gives the rest of you peace too, I can't ask for more!

its just too good sujatha...👏