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Dev;s dialgoue to Sona yesterday was worth a million bucks...
"Hum ek doosre ko blame karne mein der nahin karte,samajhne mein der karte hain.Yeh rishta hi aisa hai,agar kisi ko blame karna hai to is rishte ko karo"
I connected to it because I have often told the same dialogue to my husband,"Its the nature of the relationship".I believe that ashuman beings,we are all flawed.We display different behaviours towards different people in the same or similar situations.When it comes to our spouses and inlaws we are often quick to take offense but slow to forgive,quick to recognize faults but slow to give credit.
Many years of married life experience ,a dissection of my own behaviour and long heart to heart talks with many married people made me realise a few things about myself.
I realised that when my husband accused me of keeping the house untidy ,of not folding the clothes and putting them in their place etc I got offended,but when my my mom pointed out the same things I introspected and sometimes tried to even change my behavior.When my mil asked me to manage the kitchen in a certain way or cook in a particular manner I got irritated,but i was more accepting when my mom did the same thing.I asked myself if I had double standards..Why the difference in behaviour?
I observed myself and own behaviour more closely and realised that it was both the nature of the relationship and our attitude towards it that led to complexities.
1)Try to forgive and forget(if u can't forget at least try to forgive) :
Since we know our parents or siblings from childhood we understand them completely and give them the benefit of doubt always.An argument with my brother(however bitter) is sibling rivalry and turns into a fond memory in the long run.š²šAn argument with my hubby becomes a bitter pill to swallow.We feel let down after the simplest of arguments
2)Have realistic expectations and don't expect all expectations to be met in a year or two:
As spouses we often have extremely high and probably unrealistic expectations from each other.This is fuelled even more by movies and serials who keep romanticizing the perfect relationship and "made for each other " couple.Many people get into a marriage believing that their life would be like the couple in "XYZ" serial or movie.With such high and impossible expectations the relationship is bound to go crashing downhill.Spouses soon have a feeling that their better half has changed or is not good enough
3) Understand differences and respect the others' pov,learn tolerance :
How much ever we love each other in a marriage,we are still culturally different.Even if two people have an arranged marriage and come from similar cultures,our thought processes are often very different Sleeping in till 9 am may be acceptable in one household but may be considered a big no no in another household.Starting from wet towels on the bed to the way sambar is cooked...almost everything can become a moot point with both spouses believing that they are right.This leads them to magnify the other's faults and glorify their own plus points.
4)No comparisons please:
Many couples have a tendency to compare the wife with their mother or hubby with their father very early on in life.This can be disastrous for any relationship.
5)Every adjustment is not forever;equations change:
A lot of couples take the "long term relationship thought" too far.When they get married many couples come with the knowledge that they have to adjust.They also feel that any compromise they make will have to continue for life.This fear "of compromise for life" makes them back off from the simplest of adjustments .
I have an example of this from my married life.In the early years of our marriage,one night,I asked my husband to check if the main door was locked before going to sleep.A few days later when I asked him to check the main door again,he refused.He said that he was busy and asked me to do it.š².Many years later,while talking to him he told me that he had a fear that after marriage his wife would burden him with all responsibilities and shirk her duties.So he tried to adopt a strategy of avoiding all responsibilities from day oneš
6)The fight for the last piece of meat:
It is unfortunate ,but in a lot marriages the son is treated like the last coveted piece of meat to be fought over.The mil believes that the dil will come between her and her son.This insecurity becomes so high that many mil create trouble intentionally in relationships.In cases where the mil is secure,the dil becomes insecure and roles are reversed.Sometimes i wonder if it is better to marry the son of an elderly woman whom one gets along with rather than marry a man one loves.</font>
Over a period of time, as expectations are not met . arguments increase and tolerance decreases.We start playing a game of one upmanship and forget that we are a team.Soon the slightest fault of our spouse appears to be an unpardonable sin to us.We start believing that they are doing this intentionally to hurt us and attribute bad or malafide intentions to every act.Any good they try to do is also seen through black lenses.The relationship sours and goes downhill.
The same happened with Dev and Sona too.They wee quick to blame and slow to forgive.Like, Dev blaming Sona for Ishwari's pill overdose .They had unrealistic expectations what with Sona's fairy tale love story etc,she never realised that she saw marrying the over devoted son of an over possessive mom.The writing was on the wall,but she never saw it as she was caught up in her fancy love story.The Boses and Dixits were and still are miles apart.Both Dev and Sona's logical minds knew this,but they did not accept it or work towards it.As a result,they got married without estimating the extent of understanding and adjustments each would have to make.And finally Dev and Sona never ever lived in the present.They were eternally grateful to Ishwari for allowing them to get married.. Dev pampered her even more and Sona tried to win her at all costs.Neither of them won her over,they they paid a heavy price for their efforts.
A final word:
People get married thinking "Marriage is a long vacation in Switzerland;in reality marriage is a walk through the sweltering Sahara heat and the numbing Siberian cold to finally build a shelter called "Home"
PS: Most of the above mentioned factors kick only because and after the girl feels she is not accepted as a part of the family.When a girl gets married,unfortunately she is the one who shifts to the place where the boy lives.She gives up her life and fits into the boy and his family's house.Therefore,I believe that the onus is on the boy and his family to take the first step to make her feel welcome ,comfortable and feel accepted.When the girl feels accepted and a part of the family,she will mostly not take offense at what anyone says and the journey becomes way smoother.
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