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Chapter 1.
To say that I felt nervous would be an understatement. I was wobbly in my knees and there was a sinking feeling inside me, as if my heart was a container of stones, desperately trying to go down to whole new level of nothingness. To live separately from her and to literally just separate her from me on every level by signing those filthy papers of divorce, there was a huge difference to it, I knew.
I, Devrat Dixit, knew all the consequences and repurcussions of this 'divorce'. Even though she lived in Kolkata & I, here in Delhi, she was still my wife. Scratch it, she still is my wife. For an hour or two now because I was heading to my office and she was supposed to be there, so we could finally settle this...deal.
It sounded so wrong, it felt so wrong, but it has to happen. Even though my business of loving her still does not have any expiry date, I have to let her go, let her move on because I have failed on many stances than one. Probably this was my repentence. I owed her, her freedom. From me.
I cringed at my thoughts as I walk past my mother. She probably thinks I forgot to take her blessings today just like every other day but I haven't. This is just no other day.
Without Sonakshi, no day has been just other day.
I sighed and settled inside my car, asking my drive to take me to office. When my phone buzzed, I did not pay attention to it for a good few minutes. I worked just as hard as before, but I had no interest left in it. If left upon me, I might as well pack my bags and say good-bye to every person and elope amidst those beautiful mountains.
She loved mountains. I could never even take her to a well deserving vacation. Sometimes, I doubted myself. Did I even love her fairly? I snuck my phone out to see who's text was it.
'I'm at your office.
- Sonakshi Bose.'
I sucked in a deep breathe and looked out, blinking the tears that started to blur my vision. In past one year, I had thought of million ways to apologise to her. I had hurt her to an ugly extent, I had said things so terrible, even I was ashamed to admit it to my inner consciousness sometimes. In a fit of rage, in extreme love for my mother, I put her on backseat. I forgot to strike a balance, I forgot to be rational, I forgot that I promised her a lifetime of happiness.
When she left, it gave me enough time to think about all the mistakes I made, all the times I went wrong, all the things I could have done differently.
I sniffed and rubbed my palms over my face once, warming it up. Delhi winters were killing me. Her warmth was no more my go-to, today.
It hurt. It hurt so much.
'You are still Mrs. Sonakshi Dixit.' I typed back.
This was probably our first interaction in the odd 365 days.
"I love you." I whispered against the window, fogging the glass up with my breathes.
I was losing her. I was losing her.
'You lost her, already, Dev.' My inner self murmured softly and I scrunched my eyes shut. Her absence, our separation hurt me physically, I swear it did. I could feel a knife piercing right through my heart.
And then, just like that, my life went blank. It was all..a mess. A blur. No, I wasn't crying. It was probably blood seeping down my skull to my eyes. My ears hurt. I could hear a shrill voice. Maybe only I could hear it.
My leg was under something heavy, and it felt limp. I couldn't move my leg. Or for that matter, anything. My head hurt. I couldn't understand a thing. There was a pool of blood around me. Hefty voices. I could seemy driver a little farther away. I felt bile rising at the back of my throat, seeing him dead. He was dead. Completely unmoving. His head not on its place. I shut my eyes.
I convinced myself I was dying.
'Sona, keep your eyes open. Listen to me okay?'
A scene flashed in front of my eyes, like an old movie had just been put on play. When she was hit by a car, when I kept her awake because I couldn't let her slip in unconsciousness. It was the first moment I had felt scared to lose her.
"I.." My voice was so choked. I coughed and it hurt my chest. Had I broken my ribs? Was I going to die an unhappy man? Will I lose her, like this? Wouldn't I even get to say my goodbye's to her? Wouldn't I get to tell her how much I love her? How much I regret everything? Was I dying?
I opened my eyes. They were barely even open. My eyes hurt too. I was convinced this is how it ends.
This is how I end. This is how her & I finish.
'I regret marrying you.'
I coughed. I had said such foolish things. I had said things that'd have devastated every bit of me, if I were to be on the recieving end of those words.
I pushed her. She fell on my mother. It wasn't intentional, Dev.
I was so stupid.
And I was dying every second now.
'Those 7 rounds.'
How dare I even thought of ending those. Sonakshi Bose, was the most stunning thing that'd ever happened to me. I was, I am a walking disaster. She was mine. She...was just mine. I was so stupid to let her go.
"Sona." Was it a sob? Was it a whisper? Was it a request to a heaven above?
I kept my eyes open. I couldn't let myself die by the hands of an asshole of a truck driver who was possibly too drunk to even realise what he'd caused.
I will not die without seeing her one last time.
No.
"Sona." My heart was slowing, I could feel. The tears were drying. I felt myself float. Somebody was picking me up from my vegetative state, out of my car.
I will not die, I repeated in my head. My eyes were shutting.
"Sonakshi Dixit." I whispered through painful whimpers, and my world went black.
Again.
---
My nails dug into my skin. I refused to cry. He was going to beat the goddamn death. He has to. For his mother. For..for me.
"Sonakshi."
I turned around when I was called out. It was Ishwari maa? Aunty ji? I sighed and wished I could deal with her later. I did not have any strength to have a talk with her. To listen to her words, insults, jibes, remarks, blames. Just about anything.
"I killed him, Sona." I was sure, I heard it wrong.
"...Ma..aunty..ji, what...why are you. Don't say that." I took a little step towards her.
Ishwari aunty only stepped back.
"No. I..I don't even deserve your forgiveness. I killed him. I killed you. I killed the relationship you two had." Her face was struck with boundless melancholy.
"Don't cry." I murmured firmly. Probably even a little roughly.
"He's going to be alive. He's going to make it." I started to pace the length of the corridor, in front of the operation theatre.
"He's not dying. Don't you dare cry, Maa." I spoke loudly to her.
My patience was running out quick.
She looked at me, more worried than ever and cautiously inched closer to me.
"Don't Maa." And, I lost it. I lost my thread of calm. And I broke down.
What had we - Dev & I - come to? Why did neither of us get our happiness, together? Were we really wrong for each other?
I felt my heart shrink in fear. I just wanted my love to live. I'd die if he.. No.
He'll have to stay alive for me. For me. Just for me. I sunk on my knees, and dug my face in my palms.
"Mr. Dixit, don't leave me, please." I sobbed to myself.
I shut my eyes tightly and prayed to all the gods there were.
I couldn't let my world get black. Not again.
---
A/N -
Hi, guys. So this was chapter 1. I hope I did justice to their pain.
Honestly, I'm not sure what exactly will I show in the story ahead. Gonna go with flow.
Let me know your response! Feedbacks are absolute necessity to any writer or any artist who's putting efforts to do anything so it'd be great if I get your constructive feedback.. The better and more reviews, the better & longer chapter, Promise!
P.s. Would you like it if I just weave this story so that they go through from their absolute first stage of falling in love with each other again? Yeah I guess I'd like to rewrite their whole lovestory sans Ishwari's drama because that'd be pretty cute & sweet to see.
Anyway.
Love,
Palak.
Don't know who'll need me to PM for updates, so drop a message and I'd add you in the PM list. Yay.
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