The wedding planner

Delhi has a tremendous relationship with weddings and it has nothing to do with happiness. The weddings in Delhi are not meant to unite couples. They are at times used to forge political alliances; at other times, they are a barometer of who's in and who's out and only very rarely are they meant to unite families in wedlock. Delhi believes in treating weddings like summits😆😆. Estranged relatives meet and then abuse each other every evening. Our so called fashion designers get busy only so that they can then fill their coffers and collections with trousseaus designed for Karol Bagh rather than Champs Elysses. You can then see what fall and winter collections actually look like.

Then there is the floral expert, though since recently, the florist is also the light designer in the sense that they have to supply candles. If the wedding is expensive, then expect lemon grass aromas, if it is not, then delight yourself with the wafting smell of kaju ki barfi. But that's the way it is.

Then there is the courier company and the card designer. The wedding card has to look expensive if you want to beat the clutter, since everyone is always invited to every wedding. You don't necessarily need to know either family. You just need to be on THE LIST and that will be enough. The card must at all times be accompanied by something nice. Which is a euphemism for something so damn heavy and expensive that, before you attend the wedding, you may need to attend to a sprained elbow.

Then there is the question of organising gifts that have to be given away, and we are not even discussing dowry. The word dowry has been replaced by blessings. So the next time you see some recently married brat driving an SLK-500, be sure that he got it as a blessing and it was NOT dowry.😆😆

Then you have to take a call on the venue. If you want to be exclusive, try and get Sonia Gandhi to give you Number 10; 😆😆if you want to be less exclusive, then get married in one of the ministerial bungalows. Virender Sehwag got married in one and see what happened to his batting thereafter.😛 If you want to exude taste, you might as well try The Oberoi (if you can get past the door, that is). They have a no-wedding policy and I'm glad they do because in the wedding season, the only hotel you can even dream of entering without finding someone's zardozi-laced sari falling down is The Oberoi.

The venue is critical only because that will determine your stature in society. If you want to be a classy scrounge then do it at home—you can say you wanted to keep the wedding simple. If you want to be rich and in your face, hire about three farmhouses, of which two will be used for car parking and the third will host the bash.

And then, the event: Remember to pace yourself. If you attend every function, it is not a sign of affection but a signal that suggests you have no other invitations and are determined to live off this one for the next 17 days.

Now, when you arrive at a Delhi wedding, never carry a gift. The gift must always be sent home. Or at least, that is what you must say as soon as you wish everyone at the wedding. You must also carry cards—not the wedding card silly, but visiting cards since every guy involved in the wedding, from the designer to the bearer to the caterer, will stick his or her visiting card into you hoping you will use their services.

Also, remember that Marwari weddings are pass, since they use tradition as a ruse to deprive you of alcohol. It is also the time that Maruti increases sales of its vans since they are all refitted as mobile bars. The Delhi version of Mumbai's dance bars. Yes, only men.

If you can, then wear soft-soled shoes, since you will have a lot of walking to do.

There will be a million food counters, three to four bars and a dance floor. So if you are wearing your Jimmy Choos, be prepared to go home with a wounded sole.

And once you are through with all this, and if you still have the time and the energy, go and bless the couple. As you are walking towards them, make sure you get their names right.

In Delhi we've begun a fashion of repeat weddings: Same boy, different girl.😆😆 Same girl, different boy—only the guests (and the event manager) remaining consistent [so this is where ekta gets her stories from]. Depending on how the last divorce went, you may see some new legal faces. Enjoy the silly season.