ff: ''a many splendoured thing', update pg. 102 - Page 65

preet put the phone down and took a deep breath. he stretched his arms over his head and held it for a while, feeling his muscles scream with relief. it had been a long day. and as with all long days, it came with the lovely feeling of having ended. the last call had been been from the construction site. they had just hoisted the final set of graphite composites over the dome, and they made for a snug fit.

he thought that prem would be thrilled to hear it. after all, it had been his idea that the composites would be a better choice than the polymers that the gang had first thought would have the strength to withstand the weather conditions of the area. the composites had been more expensive. but they had been so much easier to work with as a material that the lower costs of handling had more than compensated for the difference in material cost.

preet would have been at the site if it was not for the board meeting tomorrow. he had to finalise the figures and the agenda for the meeting. no matter though. they had planned a visit with everyone tomorrow. he knew that all of them had been excited about seeing the dome up finally. especially pb. preet brought his hands back down to the table with the thud, frowning. pb was supposed to have gotten in before the meeting, but he hadn't heard him come in yet.

as if on cue, his phone rang -- pb.

''preet, just landed in. i should be there in 25 minutes. if harman's there as well, then let's go through the agenda before dinner?''

preet sat back, feeling strangely relieved. he could never explain the relief he always felt these days when he heard his brother's voice. it was as if he did not quite trust pb to not suddenly vanish from their lives. that one day he would walk out of the door, and never come back.

preet knew that it was always possible it could actually happen one day. after what happened to new york city on that horrible day, the fact that one day his brother may not come back home had shifted from completely random to just a little more certain. they all had to live with that. still, there were other reasons other than ''9/11'' for his fears about prem bhaiyya vanishing. he was afraid that one day, he would vanish - just as heer had.

preet thought back to that night, so long ago. the night they launched the project. he remembered how he and harman had teased his brother about being in love with heer. he remembered how they did not even have a whisper of a doubt that when pb had walked out that night, he would be bringing heer back home to her new family.

by lunchtime on the next day, when prem and heer had not returned, the bets at the brownstone had taken on a distinctly raunchy flavour, particularly those on the whys of the delay, and the whens of the return of the lovers. it had been preet's impatience that had broken the bubble of ignorance they had been in. it had been he who had persuaded harman that pb would enough time with heer once they had settled into the brownstone. it had been he who had suggested they should barge into heer's flat and kidnap heer. because then, of course, pb would just follow.

they had been shell-shocked to find his brother alone, wild-eyed and hopeful. and for a moment, preet had a sense of deja vu into hell -- another maan girl gone missing, and another juneja boy's heart headed for a break.

nothing had become simpler when they found out that heer had walked out of his brother's life, their lives, the city, the country to start a new life elsewhere. he had heard what his brother had said that day. that heer needed to find out how to pay back her father and mother for what they had done for her.

but he had not understood it. he had not figured out why it had needed her to be so far away. or why his brother could not be with her, especially since it seemed obvious to everyone who watched him these past many months that prem bhaiyya was not quite there anymore. his brother had always been one to live in the moment.

prem had been quite stern about it. it was her life, he had told preet more firmly that he had ever heard him before. and she had the right to do with it as she wanted, he had told him, his eyes calm and serene.

and preet would have been content to let it go, if he had not seen the shadows under his brother's eyes that were a constant feature since she had left. a tell-tale sign that for a guy who had his life under control, pb was not able to sleep too well at night.

leaning back in his chair, waiting for his brother, preet remembered the one confrontation that he had with his brother about it. and how he had finally understood what his brother had meant about letting heer go.

it had been nearly six months after heer had left. it had been an evening after they had started construction work on the cathedral and they'd just had the frame of the dome go up. the gang had walked through the skeletal structure with beams and arches on the foundation in place. all the promise of what it was to be was already there.

it had been shakti who had broken the silence as he sighed and said ''heer would have loved to have seen this.''

a murmur had gone around the group in asset, all accompanied with side-ways glances at prem who had been standing in the center of the foundation and looking up at the sky. there had been a smile on his face at shakti's comment, his eyes brimming with that effervescent love that was there everytime her name came up. and the emptiness that greeted that smile had made preet's blood boil over.

he had not said a word then. but back at the brownstone, after they had got the latest update from the project engineer, he had turned on prem.

''darnit, pb, heer should be here. if you were not so stubborn about having no connections with her, we could have had her over -- if only for a visit -- so that she could be here as the cathedral came up.''

it hadn't helped that prem had remained unconcerned. ''preet, you know ..''

''yes, yes, i know!'' preet had been irate. ''when she is ready, she will be here. but she doesn't know what is going on. if she did, she would want to be here. all you have to do is call her, and she will come.''

''preet, i don't even know...'' prem had tried again, before preet had cut into what he said, knowing he sounded like a petulant teenager but not caring.

''damnit, pb. you can find out! all you have to do is talk to her uncle. or the trust fund secretary.''

''damnit, pb!'' the words had exploded out of preet when he had seen the shutters drop over his brother's face, the look that said that the discussion was closed and that there was nothing preet could say to make him change his mind.

it had been his mother who had given preet a perspective that he could live with without harrassing his brother after that.

his mother who had moved back into the brownstone a week after heer had left for france. a move which her younger sons had greeted with untramelled delight, but that had left her eldest contemplative.

''are you sure you are okay with this, ma?'' he had asked amidst the loud whoops that crowned the air around them.

''ma, if'' he had sounded diffident and very young all of a sudden, ''if you are doing this because you think that i am miserable and heart-broken, then please don't put yourself through the trouble.''

suddenly, he had looked her in the eyes as if willing her to understand what he was about to say ''heer hasn't left me, ma. she will be back because she loves me more than anything else in the world. and even though i miss her like crazy, i am going to wait till she comes back to me.''

she had squeezed the hand that lay on her shoulder as she said, ''yes, my son. i know. and if you think that i am going through hell being here without your father, just for you, you might want to rethink that. i came back as much for me as for you, all of you. i have missed all of you almost as much as i missed your father. and i needed to be away from here for a while to learn to live again without him. and now, now i think i will be okay here.''

''besides,'' she had paused before smiling wryly at him, ''now i have a reason to run away from the apartment. you're not the only one who misses her, you know.''

gayatri had known she had made the right decision when she saw the dark depths of her son's eyes stir and fire up in sudden pain, before he reached over to hug her fiercely for a long moment. her son, who had always been so sturdy and supportive, so calm and steady in any storm, facing upto any problem with a smile, needed her now. if only to hold in quiet comfort as she had done then. her prem needed her.

gayatri had settled back into the beat and rythm of the brownstone, becoming the rock on which her boys leaned in their doubt and confusion. it had quickly become difficult for them to remember a time that she had been away. it had been so easy to wallow in their mother's love again.

she had been in the den, when preet had stormed in, his footsteps like thunder claps even on the carpetted floor. she had peered over her spectacles in enquiry, and had listened with a calm face to the burst of troubled questions that his brother had refused to soothe.

''what is wrong with him, ma? what? why isn't he getting her back? anyone with half an eye can see that he is not even here fully anyway. always floating around with that faraway look on his face, as if he is seeing her right there. damnit, ma!''

preet's hands, fisted tight, jerked as if in a punch that he couldn't help. ''he lives with her in her soul. and yet, he allows her to be so far away!! how does that make sense?''

she had watched those fists helplessly pummell the air for a while, and then gently laid down her papers to take hold of them, stilling them, massaging them in her hands.

preet had quietened immediately. it had been a trick that his father had used when he and his mother used to get into one more of their fiery arguments. lalit juneja had never interrupted the fight or taken sides. instead, he had always quietly taken preet's hands to still their agitated gesturing, and rubbed them. somehow, the touch of his father's hands on his, and the sight of her husband's hands on her son's, never failed to calm the conflict.

under his mother's touch, preet had felt a sense of deja vu as his anger drained out of him without warning. helplessly, he had tightened his hold on her hand. ''i miss him. i miss dad.''

gayatri had gathered her youngest into her arms when he dropped down beside her and buried his face in her lap. he had been silent for a moment and she had waited patiently.

''i wish i knew what he would do just now. he would know how to tell prem bhaiyya to go and get heer, just now. to not waste anytime to make her happy. he would know how to tell him that time is so precious, ma, and that none of us can afford to waste it.'' and gayatri had understood that he was being bedevilled by the circumstances of his own past.

''darling,'' her voice had been sad, ''sometimes waiting is just something that you have to do. sometimes we don't have a choice. we have no control on where life takes us. all we can do is our best when the time comes.''

''but what question of choice do these two face, ma?'' his voice had been muffled as he sat at her knee, but the bewilderment had come through, ''the whole world took one look at prem bhaiyya and heer, and knew that they were made for each other. even they knew it. all along. there was no question when they met. there is no question even today. even today, pb will say he knows she loves him more than anything. then where is the conflict that needs them to be apart from each other, ma?''

gayatri had sighed as she had run her fingers through his hair, trying to soothe him. ''love is not as simple as that, preet. love is complicated. because love lives in the mind and heart of a person, and there is nothing more complicated than that. it may be the most obvious thing to everyone around them. but if there is even one doubt in the mind of a person who loves as deeply as prem and heer do each other, it can be the cause of so much trouble. and doubt shakes love so.''

she had turned his face up gently to look lovingly into his troubled eyes. ''did you know that i had once left your father?''

she had smiled at the incredulity that had instantly blazed on his face. ''yes. yes, i did. it was a few years after we had come to this country. prem was six. i had been teaching at a local school for a couple of years, finally doing something with the degree that i had worked so hard so. the district school board was so pleased with the system i used that they had wanted me to take it further, to design a new program to present to the state board. it would have meant more late nights, travelling, building teams at different districts. oh!''

she had sighed, lost in her memories, ''it was so wonderful, preet! the thought that i could help children learn better.''

he had murmured, marvelling at the enthusiasm on her face, forgetting his misery for a while''you have always been so active on education trusts. ma, why did you stop? what did that have with your leaving dad?''

gayatri had been rueful. ''you know your father had very definitive ideas about everything.''

she had smiled as he snorted in agreement. ''and that included how many children he wanted, and how they should be raised. he had been so unsympathetic to the idea that i would consider going away from my home, my child, to spend time on other children's education, their future. it was so hard for him to understand that i had wanted to make a contribution to society that was outside of my home and hearth, just as much as he wanted to.''

she had cradled his face, smoothing the frown from his brow, ''we were very young then, preet. hot-tempered, wilful. there was so much we had yet to learn about the world, about ourselves. we had come to this country, tasted freedom that was so different from the restrictions of our home. and for a moment, it had extented to everything. we argued. and i had no compunction about packing up and leaving home because i did not want to live only in support to someone else's dreams.''

''you left? you actually left dad?'' preet had gone back to being incredulous. then a thought had struck him, had dawned as he asked, ''what about pb...?'' his voice had dwindled away, watching her shake her head.

''i did not take him with me when i left. i was upset, i was confused. i was so sure that i had been made for something higher than being a wife and a mother. and your father was being so obstinate and insistent. he would not admit anything i said in defence of what i loved.''

her eyes had been distant as if reliving the far away past. ''it was just incomprehensible to me that this was the man that i had given up my family, the comfort of my home, my land for. the man who i had given up everything for, would not even listen to what i had to say, what i wanted. i just had to put some distance between me and everything that he stood for. i didn't even take any clothes -- i just stormed out of the door, and walked.''

there had been silence for a while. preet had waited to hear his mother's tale of conflict. gayatri's voice had been husky when she continued. ''it was your father who broke the status quo. he had gone through hell, not knowing where i was. he did not sleep all the time that i was away. he spent had every hour since i left, looking for me. he talked to everyone that i knew, everyone who he thought i might have known, until he found me.''

''in all that time, i was in a limbo.'' there had been a rueful in her voice, ''i did not think about what i had done, nor about what i wanted to do. i could do nothing, i did nothing. but when he found me, and he stood before me, all i needed was to see his eyes, and the eyes of my little son, to understand who i was, and what i had to do. i suddenly realised that my place at that time was with my husband and my child. it suddenly made complete sense to me. i didn't think that it was because i could do my work with teaching other's children when my own were grown up. or that once he had built the business, i would have more money to put into my work. ''

''it was not,'' she had paused, ''logical. it was just something i knew. from the bottom of my heart. everything that i had been through with that man from the time that i had put my hand in his, and we had started our life together, told me what had to be done. and when i think back on my whole life, i know that my love had chosen right.''

she had looked down at the quiet, attentive face against her knee. and when she spoke, her voice was as pensive as his face. ''love is complicated. nowhere is it written that two people had to understand their feelings at the same time. or that circumstances have to be right for them to understand each other at the same time. there are no rules. every single time, for every two people who fall in love, it is up to them to accept love and nurture it.''

she had smoothed his hair away from his forehead. ''the fire in the touch is the easy part. no matter how high the flames, how fierce the heat -- that is not love. love is what you find when the fires have flamed out. there could either be a diamond that it wrought. or just smoke and ashes that blow away in the wind.''

gayatri had lifted his face to his, and she had said, ''in the end, it is up to them to decide what is left. there is nothing that anyone else can do. all we can do is wait and watch. and believe in them, preet. believe in prem and his heer.''

when prem walked in through the door, preet was leaning back in his chair, a far off look on his face.

''preet? preet?'' he walked around to tap his brother on the shoulder. prem's brow furrowed as he watched his brother jerk up as his eyes focussed on him.

and the strong brows touched each other above prem's dark eyes in deeper confusion as preet said, ''i believe in you, pb. i believe in you and heer.''