When I Fall Asleep
Because I could not stop for Death,
He kindly stopped for me.
The Carriage held but just ourselves
And Immortality
~Emily Dickinson
He sat on the chair near her bedside and looked painfully at the drips hooked to her arms and streaming monitors around her. His eyelids droop when he cannot bear at her closed eyes. Those eyes held that look, the look that has haunted him for the last five years. Why did she love him so much even after what he had done to her? She should hate him for throwing her out on the street penniless. His masi had been the only one who had abandoned him for her, choosing to stand by her for what she had done…no not for loving another man but for breaking his trust to protect him from further financial downfall…to make sure he and his family would not be put out on the streets again because the creditors like vultures would swoop down on him. She was carrying their child when he had callously thrown him out. He had found out a month later from their doctor about the pregnancy but had assumed it was Daksh. He let anger rule his head…if only he had controlled his anger to rationalize everything.
Jai Walia laid his head on her arm and wept copiously…he cried because now he would never get the chance to right the wrong he had done…he cried for the five years he missed out on being a family with her and their daughter Ganga…he cried because he blamed himself for putting her on the death's doorstep. His tears soaked through the blanket and onto her skin. Bani awoke feeling the warm dampness on her skin. She opened her eyes drowsily and looked down at the head resting on her arm.
"Jai…" she whispers causing him to jerk his head up to gaze into the dark brown eyes, eyes now clouded from the effect of the drugs. She raised her hand slowly and caressed her fingers through his hair. He fights the urge to scream at her…why don't you hate me?…why do you love me so much. Instead he get hold of her hand and rubs little circle on her fingers. She grips his hand and pulls it with effort to her lips and presses it gently to her lips. His breath stumbles at this gesture and he stutters, "Bani…I...forgive…me. I..love…" She stops him from finishing the words as she presses her finger on his lips. She smiles, it lights up her pale face and he feels as if it is lighting up the dark corner in his heart where he had tried to bury her away…her love…her scent…her feel…every little memories of their life together.
"I never doubted your love for me Jai. I knew you were just angry because I had broken your trust. But I missed you a lot. I missed you when our daughter was born…I missed you when she would wish she could meet her dad…I missed you when I felt lost." Tears rolled down her cheek just from being able to let the trapped feelings out. She rested her cheeks against his palm. "Promise me you will take care of Ganga and Masi for me."
Her words brought the reality back to him. She sick…very sick. The doctors were not hopeful of her making it through. The cancer had spread all over her body. It was his fault she was close to dying. She had ignored the fatigue, the weight loss and the frequent bouts of sickness. There had been no money for visits to the doctor. Every rupee she had earned had been used to make sure their daughter and masi had a roof over their head and food in their belly.
He remembered when by chance he had glimpsed her in the small dhaba in the rundown part of Mumbai. He had driven in the area looking at the land where slums dwellers lived. The owner had put it on the market and with the rocketing prices for every inch of the overcrowded city, he had been tempted to consider a bid for it. Asking his driver to pull over, he had stormed in and dragged her out to his car. It was while he was pushing her into the back of the car that she had fainted and he had panicked and rushed her to the hospital. Several hours later the doctor had told him the awful truth.
He had refused to go in and see her with the doctors while they told her the truth. And it was only half an hour later when she had staggered out of the room, looking deathly pale that he had rushed up and shook her asking her where she was going. She had looked at him calmly and told him she was going home to die.
Calling for the doctors he had refused to let her leave. He got her admitted against her protest and screamed at the doctors to do everything in their powers to make her better. It was then that he had found out about his daughter Ganga. He had forced her to tell him where they lived and rushed off to see the truth himself. Masi had opened the door and had almost shut it in his face in anger. She only opened it when he repeatedly told her he was here because Bani had sent him.
Then he had seen her, sitting quietly on the bed colouring in a book, her head bent in concentration. When masi called her she had looked up and he had been shocked to see how much she looked like him…the same dark skin, round face, the nose, the mouth, except she had her eyes…Bani's eyes. Ganga had smiled shyly at him and had stood in front of him when masi asked her to come her them. The look of bewilderment at first and then the surprise on her face had made his heart lurch. She had flung herself at him and covered his face with kisses blabbering how much she had wished to meet her daddy.
He had sat numbly holding her, not sure how to react…the newness of having another child overwhelming him.
With great effort he told masi about Bani and watched as masi cried her heart out. Ganga just watched masi and tried comforting her, still not understanding why masi was crying. After masi had calmed down, she had insisted on being taken to the hospital to see Bani. It was at the hospital Ganga finally realized why masi was so upset. She had clung to Bani crying and telling her over and over she had to get better for her…who would love her, take care of her if she died. Jai had stood like a statue and watched, not speaking one word.
Since then he had spent most part of the day here at the hospital, bringing masi and Ganga for few hours. He would go to office in the morning to attend to urgent business and then leave not telling anyone where he was going. He had even kept this secret from Adi, just giving him some excuse or the other. His guilt increased whenever he saw Rano and Varun...he knew he should tell Rano about Bani, but somehow he could not bring himself...the longer he put off the harder it was going to be. Bani had asked him about her but had not once asked him to bring her to see him. He knew he would have to face scorn when they find out he had kept this secret from them. Even now the family except for Jigyasa were distant with him, only dealing with him when absolute necessary.
Jai cupped her face and brought his face close to her and whispered tenderly, "Bani nothing is going to happen to you. You will get better. I have the best doctor looking after you."
Bani smiled and brushed her fingers on his lips, "Just promise you will take care of them. Tell Rano, Adi uncle, dadi, Raashi and Ranveer I always loved them." The effort of talking with him made her tired and she closed her eyes not letting go of his hand. For half an hour he watched her drift in and out of sleep. When he thought he she was finally asleep, he tried withdrawing his hand only to find her tightening her grip, mumbling don't go. He rested his head on the edge of the bed and eventually fell asleep.
It much later he was awoken by the monitor beeping. He glanced at them and before he could run out to get help, doctor and nurse rushed in. The doctor quickly looked at the monitor and felt her pulse. Pushing him aside, he fired instructions at the nurse and readied to shock her heart into beating. Several attempts failed to revive her heart and the doctor turned to Jai and said softly, "Sorry Mr Walia, there is nothing else I can do." The nurse detached the drips and monitors from Bani's body and covered her up. She looked sympathetically at Jai, who stood immobile. She walked over to him and put her hand on his shoulders, "Is there anything I can do for you Mr Walia?" she asked. Jai shook his head and took his cell phone out, he dialled Adi...Adi will come...he will know what to do. Jai broke down on the phone when Adi answered.
THE END
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