NO!!!

"akele". Alone. She wants to walk alone for a bit. So lost the light of Manik's life has become. She wants to be alone, alone in pain, alone in her misery, alone in her nightmares. She wants to be alone so her pain doesn't hurt anyone, not her love, not her friends. Those wonderful friends that open their vault of secrets in hopes of helping her find her music again. She wants to gather herself, but she wants to do it alone. It took them so long to become US from You and I. The staircase has been a witness. They have gone through different steps in their relationship. It has been a hard climb to the top where they could stand united. Now Manik refuses to let her journey through this difficult phase of life alone. He refuses to let her be just Nandini. He refuses to be just Manik. They need to be MaNan. She may not admit it but, he knows she needs him. And he, he needs her. And need, it's lifelong. One cannot ever outgrow a need.

Need, the need to touch. Their touch is a form of communication, has been since day one. But now he has to think, hesitate before he touches her, afraid his touch won't be recognized, afraid it will make her flinch in fear. But the heart, the needs what it needs. Today, it screamed out for Nandini as she took a step to walk away. Today, he pulled her back with righteous claim. Held her close because he needed to, with tenderness and gentleness only she brings out in him. Her touch, it soothes him. And at that moment, when fear of losing gripped his heart so tight, he needed to hold her close, he needed to rest his head on her shoulder, just for a moment. Sighs, that was MY beautiful moment. It just brought tears to my eyes. Two people who love each other so much. The peace they find in each other's arms is so beautiful; it brought tears to my eyes. The overwhelming need to kiss her, just a soft touch of his lips to her soft skin so he can soothe and loosen the grip of the fear that is holding his heart. But right away he realizes, his heart got carried away in the emotions of his love. "You okay?" that two questioning words spoke of how much her comfort matters to him.

Today, he demanded that she sees the truth in his eyes, hears the plea in his voice, when he says: I.Can't.Let.You.Go. I don't know how to live without you. If you leave my side, how will I breathe? You are the very oxygen I breathe, Nandini Murthy. I lost you for a few hours that night and I truly lost my sanity. I can't go through hell again.

Love..so selfless and selfish it is.

She loves him, loves him so selflessly. She can't see him breaking this way while he is trying to mend her. She can't be the one hurting him, giving him pain. She loves him, so selfishly. His pain increases a ten-fold in her heart. It hurts her more than Pandit ever hurt her. This is her Manik, a man who has just started breathing and living. A monster she turned into a human being. She cannot see him pull on another mask on, even if it is a mask of bravery and strength. She can still see that he is hurting. He is hurting. She is hurting. But she wants to hurt alone now, so he doesn't hurt for her. But love doesn't work that way, my Nandini. "If it doesn't hurt, it's isn't love." And true lovers share everything, especially pain.

He loves her, loves her so selflessly. He will hurt, it doesn't matter to him if he hurts, it doesn't matter if it's difficult. As long as she is healing. As long as he can find a way for her to smile and find happiness once again. He will do anything. He loves her , loves so selfishly, because he loves who he is when he is with her. He can't let her go, only because he simply doesn't know how to survive without her. Manik can't lose Nandini. If he loses her for even a second, he loses everything. He will lose his best friend, the one who makes him laugh and smile. He will lose his teacher of life, one who has taught all there is to know about loving and living. He will lose his soul mate, the one who owns his heart. He will lose his sanity, his calm, his reason for being. He will lose everything ! and Manik Maltorta never loses ! He has won his Nandini's heart, not fair and square but he has won it nonetheless. Now, that heart belongs to him, he will refuses to let it go. She has promised a short span of Hamesha to him, she has to remember that she has promised to be his, as he has promised to be hers. No blank promise can hold him back. He refuses to let her go. He needs her, she needs him. They need each other. Always. Hamesha.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Oh wow ! You know how much I love it when you write from Manik's POV. And today it was a double treat, when you wrote both of Nandini and Manik's inner thoughts. God, they were so heartbreakingly beautiful..honestly ached my heart and brought back all the feelings of the episodes. Kudus my twinkie bear. You have the power to rock us with emotions with your words..Truly talented you are, my girl 👏

love as always,

- Reya aka Your Sunny <3

DAY 61! - NO!

No...not today...not tomorrow...not ever! No no never!

They all made their genuine attempts. To assure her. To support her. To assist her. To persist her. No Nandini...we won't let you lose...because "you mean a lot to us". No Nandini...you can't let go of music. The music that once brought you two together. You can't let go of the lyrics that you once wrote for him. You can't let go of the tune that he hums for you. You can't let go of the songs you've sung together. But denial still evident in her eyes. Fear still trembling in her voice. Defeat pouring through her tears. She tells them all...No...I don't have it in me any more...

But one friend has promised to always lend the helping hand in need. One well-wisher promises to enlighten her every time she feels herself to be stranded on an unknown island. No Nandini...you have to fight this time. If not for yourself, then "find it for Manik". No Nandini...you're not the only one hurting...he's crumbling too. No Nandini...you can't give up now, you can't give up on yourself otherwise his world would come crumbling down too. No Nandini...he's not as brave as strong as he portrays himself to be...your pain...it's killing him every second. Your suffering...it's weakening him with every progressing day...

"Because he's never loved anyone like the way he loves you now..." No...and never will he be able to love anyone like he loves you today...

"Main Mangalore ja rahi hoon. I need to go."

No Manik...I have to go...for myself, but mostly for you. "I'm breaking you"...I'm shattering you from inside. I know you'll never express your pain to me. No. Never. Because as you said..."it doesn't matter if I'm hurting." For you...it has always been about my pain...my smile...my happiness...my tears...my safety. But I can't deprive you of your smile, just because my smile doesn't exist any more. I can't snatch your breaths from you, just because I'm suffocating every minute. I can't become the reason for your agony just because my wounds aren't healing fast enough. No Manik...I can't be this selfish. My love is selfish...yes. Because I want to be able to protect you. I want to be able to smile for you. I want to be able to shine for you. But I can't be so selfish to make you suffer in my pain. I can't be so selfish to make you shudder when I dream a nightmare. I can't be so selfish to let you lose yourself whilst helping me find myself.

No..."I need to go". Today I need to distance you from myself so I don't pull you with myself into this dark hole. Today I need to fight my battle myself so I can protect you from further hurting yourself. Today I need to walk away from you so I can eventually return as the Nandini that you fell in love with. You had once said to me..."It hurts! It hurts to hurt you Nandini"...today I want to say that

"It kills...it kills to see you dying a thousand deaths in front of me Manik."

( can I just mention how you already knew I would need to bold this line in red for the amazing perfection that it is that you helped me out and bolded it already. Freaking beautiful)

And so no...I can't be this unfair to you. I can be so heartless. I can't be so self-centred. It's not even your fault Manik. No. None of it. It's all my fault. I failed to trust you. I failed to recognise between right and wrong. I failed to protect our relationship from falling apart like this. Had I listened to you, we would be laughing right now, singing right now, making beautiful memories right now. Had I listened to you, I wouldn't be scared of our touch. Had I listened to you, you wouldn't have been in so much pain. But I failed. I failed you. And so I myself must find what has been lost. "Manik...please mujhe jaane do"

"No! You know what...I can't let you go. No, I can't...I just can't"

Are you listening to yourself Nandini? Are you listening to me? No...you can't leave. You can't leave me...you can't leave us...not for a second, not even for a moment, and certainly not for an unknown number of days that you plan on going away for. How will I...what will I? No no no...it'll be impossible for me to even make it through a second without being able to see you. I'll go insane not having your presence around me. I'll end up losing myself trying to find you, your scent, your shining earrings, your innocent eyes, your soothing voice, your beating heart. "No tum kahin nahi jaa rahi ho, mai tumhe kahin nahi jaane deh ra. Okay? Decided". I nearly lost you a few days ago. The wounds are still tender. The guilt is still drowning me. I don't think I will be able to face myself if god forbid something happens to you again. When you cry, my heart weeps tears of blood. When you flinch at our touch which originally bounded as in an unbreakable knot, it feels like someone has grazed their nails against my bleeding wounds. When I see you tremble in fear, my rage boils Nandini. The fire inside me wants to set the whole world ablaze. No no...you can't go. If you go today...I'm afraid I won't be able to control myself Nandini. I'm afraid the pain will overpower my senses. If you go...I'm afraid I won't be able to breathe in my own guilt.

(omggg..please stop SLAYING me with your perfection, woman. This is all so beautiful. Major struggles choosing what to bold)

"I can't let you go!" No Nandini...you can't leave today. You can't leave tomorrow. I'll never let you leave. You have to take me with you wherever you tread. I'll make sure my love keeps you tied to me...hamesha. I vow to keep myself bound to you...forever. You can try fighting off my hold...but my fingers promise to tighten their grip on you. You can try taking a step away...but my heart promises to follow your heart with ever step. You can chose to tread on a different path to me...but my soul vows to shadow your soul on any and every unknown road.

"Main tumhe nahin jaane de sakta". I disallow you to leave me. My love is selfish. No I can't let you walk away alone because my love is selfish and I have every right to protect you at every step. No I can't let you cry alone because my love is selfish and I have every right to wipe every tear that escapes those eyes. No I can't let you suffer alone because my love is selfish and I have every right to snatch away every pinching pain inside you. You may have it in you to live without me for a number of days...you may still have the strength to gather yourself "akele"...but my love is selfish Nandini. My touch is selfish. And my heart says I need you. My heart says it doesn't want to be left alone. It won't survive if it's left alone. My heart wants to claim its right to be able to help you gather yourself again. My heart wants you there for me to gather myself again...

"Nandini...look into my eyes...and say this. Come on..."

No Manik...please no. Don't make me do this. Don't make it so difficult for me. Don't make me hurt you again. Don't make me pierce your heart with the words you don't want to hear. Don't make me so helpless that I have no choice but to use the weapon you once gifted me...

"Manik...you'll have to let me go. Main apna blank promise use karoon gi. You won't follow me...to Mangalore."

N-n-n-no! No..no...Nandini...don't ask for what I can't give. I had once told you to never ask me for anything as precious as your Appa's pen because I won't be able to give it to you. Don't Nandini...please no. Don't ask me to give you the sole reason of my existence. Don't ask me to give you the only thing which keeps me alive. Don't ask me to give you my most precious thing...don't ask for yourself from me...

Oh man, leave it up to you to never forget anything they say to each other and add it like a punch to the heart !

His tears weept their 'no'...the quivering lips stuttered their 'no'...the shocked eyes screamed their'no'...but she didn't stop.

Captured Manik's devastation perfectly, beautifully !

But she forgot...she forgot what Manik Malhotra is most known for. She forgot the words which he had once uttered to her with the most sternest voice; "Never have I ever, taken a no for an answer"...

"Tumne bhale hi apna blank promise use kar liya ho...but somewhere down the line...tum accept karo ya na karo...you also know that...that you need me...always"...

No Nandini Murthy...I didn't let go of you today. You've decided to leave on your own. You can push me away, but you can't force me to push you away. You can let go of me...but you can never compel me to let go of you.

"Aye hamnava...mujhe apna bana le"...

You may have decided not to make me a part of yourself today...but you can't stop me from making you a part of myself...

We're destined Nandini...my stars and your fireflies has written this story. And no one can pull you away from me...not even you yourself...