MaNan One Shot - Two To Waltz.

Two To Waltz

I stand there, waiting, hoping, wishing.

For what exactly? For her to accept my apology? For her to take me back into her prayers? For her to keep me up in her priority list? Or... for the look she reserves only for me, when I make her smile? Why do I even want that? Why does her apology matter to me? Why do her tears stab through me? They shouldn't, right? I am a self-serving, callous Monster. Why would she want to be associated with me? Why would she want a person like me in her life? She doesn't need a Monster to darken her already bright world.

I know, I am all kinds of a horrible person but I can't help it. I can't help but constantly wait for the time she accepts my apology. I can't help but keep hoping that I am still in her prayers. I can't help but continue wishing that, for once, I make it to the top of her priority list. I need her in my life.

I need her because she is my anchor. My humanity. My light. My guide.

I need her, because I want her.

I lift my head and worship her with my eyes. When I see her, I see all of her. I see the black pools of her eyes that watch me with a lifetime of hurt built up in them. At times, foolishly, I wonder. Why is it, that in her eyes, the color of the night I loathe so much, I find peace and home and my reason for being? They're black as beauty and right now blank as the page of my life that waits to be filled.

I open my mouth to say a thousand words and silent air drifts away, for none of them are capable enough of conveying to her what I feel.

And I feel.

Maybe that's my problem. That I feel; too much, so much...everything. I feel her when she's near. I feel her when she's not. I seek her shadows and I seek my light.

How am I to part from this? How am I to let go of my basic necessity? Is it pure selfishness? Wanting her to accept me for the scarred man I am?

Because, this is who I am Nandini. I'm capable of hurting you. This man is me. All of me. The ugly, the bad, the impulsive and that which is mad.

I want her to look into my eyes and see all of me. I want her to drag me out of the hell I'm living in since the moment I've walked away from everything I knew was life. I want her to see the grave I've dug for myself and I want the residues of my mistake to leave me unblemished.

I am a despicable, vicious, abominable life sucking urchin.

But she woke up something in me. Something that's good. Something that feels just right even when it shouldn't. Something that's not afraid to step forward and take hold. Something that's as bright and as golden as the gaze of the sun. Something, that invokes and inspires in me, the man, who's capable of good.

This is not the man I've ever wanted to be.

Or hoped for.

But she woke him up anyway. She has no right to walk away now. Not now when she's brought him back to life. Not now when she's shown him light and hope and a future of possibilities. Not when she's made turning back impossibility. Not when her love gushes over me like an unstoppable avalanche.

I'm so much more Nandini.

Could be. With you. In you. For you.

But never without you. Don't you see?

And that's all I want to say, but what comes out of my mouth aren't words.

It's defeat. Defeat that merges in the air, thick as tension, and, that dispenses and dissolves like the whiff of a rumor.

I point out the flaws in her perfect light. I tell her of the particles that keep it blocked. I tell her of the little impacts of darkness lurking behind. I tell her of her misplaced sight. I tell it all to her for I am scared.

Scared. Hurt. Broken.

I am scared of losing her. I want her to know that I am not the only person who makes mistakes. I know the mistakes I make are horrible, unacceptable, and irredeemable. I know I am an animal, heartless, cruel, cold, and wild. But... even they deserve to be in their sanctuary. She is my sanctuary. How do I go on telling her that she shines perfectly? That, I am the one scared to lose the hold on the path I finally got, if she goes away.

I am hurt that she lost hold of the light within me. She is getting away. As if... the light burns right through her. Is it so? Even my goodness, my humanity is hurting her? But how? Isn't it supposed to heal people? How is she hurting? Isn't it me who should be hurting for she couldn't catch hold of the real me? But... she is not darkness. She doesn't even have it in bits. I know I am wrong. I am selfish to say that but I can't tell her. I can't do that since I am still the monster who demands for his hurt to be revenged.

I am broken that she lost me. She trusts me but can she not identify when I lied? She says that she trusted me, if so, didn't she know that all those times she clung onto, didn't lie to her? Isn't she supposed to be my star, my light? Then why cannot she see the way to me, the real me? I know she isn't at fault for I made her choose the wrong path. I know she is all too good for me but I won't tell her. I won't do that for I am broken vase who wants its owners to know that they'll cut their fingers if they couldn't judge the vase.

But she'd touch me, again and again, and her fingers will bleed. I'll watch her crescent shaped nails trace the red streaks along the edge of my surface and then I'll see the tears that'll blame me.

For I'm responsible, aren't I?

I fist my hands. Something clogs in my throat like a cotton ball dipped in acid and the words I want to say turn into untold promises.

For what can I promise?

You showed me life Nandini. Not the one I was leading but the one that you made me want to live. That fear stricken and life beaten child always resided in me, untouched, kept away, firmly locked, in hopes of nothing. Never to love and never to have. He was content. I was content. But you happened. You found the chinks in my armor, you broke through, and you saw me for who I was. You pulled at that child with both hands. You kissed the tears my depravity cried; you showed me the glow of your burning light. And now you stand here, poised and composed. You look at me and you declare. How easily, so easily! You say no.

Why awaken in me that which had been dead always? Why give me hope and then pull it back with both hands? Why give that child love then snatch it in the blink of an eye?

I hold back the bile rising in my mouth, I taste its bitterness. I smell the stench of our rotten trust.

Because you didn't either.

You didn't trust me enough either Nandini. Is trust just that which is seen and that which is spoken? What of that which is unsaid and never vocalized? What of all that you see but never hear. What of all that resides between you and me but has never been granted words?

Is our trust based on a string of spoken words and committed actions? Is that the boundary to which you commit?

And what of my soul? What of my scars?

Do you not see them? Did you never see them?

Then how dare you wake in me which was so peacefully asleep.

You had no right. I grit my teeth and let the black fury unfurl.

It's always a two way street Nandini. Always.

RIDA AND ADITI😳