Divorce, Single Mothers and Society

When I first came to the US 17 years ago, divorce was a rare "idea". Soon, I got involved in the public school system in California where statistically every 2nd marriage ends in divorce. My first gaffe was when I demanded why a child had not brought his homework and he said I left it at dad's home. I did not understand.

Then I was taught how kids are shared by parents and they go from one parent to the next under joint custody and thus some of these kids stay a few days with mom and a few days with dad each week. In some cases they get the holidays with one parent and work days with the other.

Another thing I noticed was the missing children problem. Many children are abducted by their own parents when they are not given custody. The problem in the US is further messy as some parents are not given custody owing to their drug abuse or alcohol or domestic violence problems. As teachers, we are trained to ensure the physical and mental safety of our students.

That said, let us get back to Jyoti. India's growing middle class is dealing with all the issues of consumerism and improved "quality of life". In the race to be financially stable (a good thing), we are rewriting the "traditional" roles of the woman being wife and mother. She is now a breadwinner too. The rules of the game have changed but the system is yet to accept it- rarely does a husband make a cup of hot tea or get a glass of cold water- as the case may be if the wife returns home after him. Funnily, this is the main reason for divorce in the US too- the man does no laundry and yells at his wife (who is also employed) for not taking care of it. More women do the laundry than men in the US (Household Activities in 2008

--On an average day, 83 percent of women and 64 percent of men spent some
time doing household activities, such as housework, cooking, lawn care,
or financial and other household management. (For a definition of aver-
age day, see the Technical Note.) (See table 1.)

--On the days that they did household activities, women spent an average of
2.6 hours on such activities, while men spent 2.0 hours. (See table 1.)

--On an average day, 20 percent of men did housework--such as cleaning or
doing laundry--compared with 50 percent of women. Thirty-eight percent
of men did food preparation or cleanup compared with 65 percent of women.
(See table 1.) (Source:

American time use

That said, we have an interesting criteria in Jyoti- she wants to be self sufficient- that is fine. She also has the support system of her parents and her grandmother and a wonderful friend in Kabir. I think she should seriously consider herself very lucky to have them and get on with her life.

She needs to have a serious conversation about ensuring child care for her baby- get the buy in from her parents and grandma. that child will be lucky to have so many people taking care of its upbringing. Also, she should, by legal right and fiscal duty ensure that Pankaj pays for child support- the child's education and activities to ensure a well developed intellect. Jyoti should set aside her "ego" and clearly tell Pankaj that he needs to pay for "admission" etc. Fortunately for her, Pankaj will not send goons as in the case of the lady she met today- I know personally of 2 women who ran from India from abusive marriages and had to protect their daughters from being "murdered" by their in laws and husbands.

Ultimately, society is made of men and women and sadly, modern living and the "idea' of financial security" has caused the erosion of societal living leading to new parameters of time use and efficiency.

All that said, i also know of Indian parents in Chennai and Mumbai who ensure the divorce of their daughters (they even file a false case of dowry) to ensure that their daughters are their breadwinners- their security of their future. Very sad, very very sad indeed.

Blokes

Very good post. On the subject of Pankaj having to pay for child support, that's something he's always offered - not just child support, but also Jyoti support: it was the great mahaan Jyoti backed by the great mahaan KK who'd flaunt her education @ Pankaj & CM to decline anything. Ego, masquerading as self-respect, is all that drives that cripple KK and his equally moronic daughter.

But if Pankaj is expected to pay for his kid's child support, he should also have rights to have his child w/ him on a mutually agreed basis, w/o Jyoti having to go back to him. Something like joint custody, which you describe above. If all that is expected is that Pankaj simply foot a bill, much as I dislike him, I'd not support it. He should be allowed time w/ his kid (but not w/ Jyoti), since his kid needs him as much as he wants the kid. I know that having denied ownership of it, his moral right is eroded, but as far as that kid's interest goes (and I put it above both Jyoti's & Pankaj's happinesses) it needs time w/ both its parents - jointly or separately - and it needs a proper schooling, a controversy free family (give it the Vashist name, so that it can cleanly tell people that its dad's name is Pankaj and mom's name is Jyoti).

Let Jyoti either stay single, or marry Kabir (I prefer the latter, but of course after Jyoti has done more due diligance than she did previously w/ either Brij or Pankaj). But that kid does deserve to be in a situation where it doesn't have to say too much to its schoolfriends, or to society. (In case Sudha & Uday remember, their condition too will be fulfilled, and they can feel free to have kids whenever they want)

Hi Guys - remember that when a child is sent back and forth between parents, the family of each ex-spouse has influence on the kid. So take for instance Pankaj has rights to bring the child to his place for weekends. Then he also exposes the child to CM who may not accept him/ her and also may spew insults about jyoti at the child. Is this healthy for the child?

^^^ Pankaj has to remove Bhairavi from there, or otherwise ensure that she doesn't come into contact w/ his kid. Similarly, Jyoti needs to get out of there, or at least eliminate any contact Padma has on that kid. The last thing that the kid needs is to be as superstitious as Padma, or as shallow as Bhairavi. If these 2 are out, joint custody can work

True- if Pankaj gets joint custody of the child (which he has signed away, by the way) then he can time share. But like samirah says, the environment chez les Vashishts is not too suitable for any child. However, if Bhairavi is unmasked, then maybe Pankaj can make some independent decisions. Currently, he is still suffering through Bharavi's hasty marriage for him.

Oh well, it is time for Pankaj to "grow up" before his child is born. Time for him to use his brains and understand life directly instead of through the literature books he teaches in college.

Currently, there are several groups that encourage couples to stay together as the cost on society for single parent kids are very high. Here, in the US, where everything has a price tag attached, it is easier to see how a family with 2 parents is more stable an environment for a child to row in than a family with just one.

And yes, I do not like the idea of Jyothi marrying Kabir because I want viewers to see a mature relationship between a man and a woman who can be dear friends but that does not end up sharing a bed. Friends like Kabir who give space to their friends is so precious and something that is worth cultivating.