Funny jokes

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Princess

@Princess

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Posted: 20 years ago

Cutting Class

'Jill,' a teacher reprimanded the teenager in the hall, 'do you mind telling

me whose class you're cutting this time?'

'Like,' the young teen replied, 'uh, see, okay, like it's like I really don't

like think like that's really important, y'know, like because I'm y'know,

like I don't get anything out of it.'

'It's English class, isn't it?' replied the smiling teacher.

Letter Home

A college student writes to his parents...
'Dear Mom and Dad,
'I feel miserable because I have to keep writing for money. I feel ashamed and unhappy. I have to ask for another hundred, but every cell in my body rebels. I beg on bended knee that you forgive me.
'Your son,
Marvin.
'P.S. I felt so terrible, I ran after the mailman who picked this up in the box at the corner. I wanted to take this letter and burn it. I prayed that I could get it back. But it was too late.'
A few days later he received a letter from his father. It said,
'Your prayers were answered. Your letter never arrived!'

A teacher

Teacher: What do you call a person who keeps on talking when people are no longer interested?
Pupil : A teacher

Will you be my Friend?

Sandy began a job as an elementary school counselor and was eager to help the students. One day during recess, she noticed a girl standing by herself on one side of a playing field while the rest of the kids enjoyed a game of soccer at the other.
Sandy approached and asked the girl if she was all right.
The girl said she was.
A little while later, however, Sandy noticed that the girl was in the same spot, still by herself.
Approaching again, Sandy offered, 'Would you like me to be your friend?'
The girl hesitated, then said, 'Okay,' looking at the woman suspiciously.
Feeling that she was making progress, Sandy then asked, 'Why are you standing here all alone?'
'Because,' the little girl said with great exasperation, 'I'm the goalie!'

White Hair

One day, a little girl is sitting and watching her mother do the dishes at the kitchen sink. She suddenly notices that her mother has several strands of white hair sticking out in contrast on her brunette head. She looks at her mother and inquisitively asks,
'Why are some of your hairs white, Mom?' Her mother replied,
'Well, every time that you do something wrong and make me cry or unhappy, one of my hairs turns white.'
The little girl thought about this revelation for a while, and then said,
'So, Momma, how come ALL of grandma's hairs are white?'

Fun Game

A Programmer and an Engineer were sitting next to each other on an airplane. The Programmer leans over to the Engineer and asks if he wants to play a fun game.

The Engineer just wants to sleep so he politely declines, turns away and tries to sleep.

The Programmer persists and explains that it's a real easy game. He explains, 'I ask a question and if you don't know the answer you pay me $5. Then you ask a question and if I don't know the answer I'll pay you $5.'

Again the Engineer politely declines and tries to sleep. The Programmer, now somewhat agitated, says, 'O.K., if you don't know the answer you pay me $5 and if I don't know the answer I pay you $50! '

Now, that got the Engineer's attention, so he agrees to the game.

The Programmer asks the first question, 'What's the distance from the earth to the moon?'

Then Engineer doesn't say a word and just hands the Programmer $5.

Now, it's the Engineer's turn. He asks the Programmer, 'What goes up a hill with three legs and comes down on four?'

The Programmer looks at him with a puzzled look, takes out his laptop computer, looks through all his references and after about an hour wakes the Engineer and hands the Engineer $50.

The Engineer politely takes the $50 turns away and tries to return to sleep.

The Programmer, a little miffed, asks, 'Well what's the answer to the question?'

Without a word, the Engineer reaches into his wallet, hands $5 to the Programmer, turns away and returns to sleep.

Be My Valentine

A guy walks into a post office one day to see a middle-aged, balding man standing at the counter methodically placing 'Love' stamps on bright pink envelopes with hearts all over them. He then takes out a perfume bottle and starts spraying scent all over them.
His curiosity getting the better of him, he goes up to the balding man and asks him what he is doing. The man says, 'I'm sending out 1,000 Valentine cards signed, 'Guess who?''
'But why?' asks the man.
'I'm a divorce lawyer,' the man replies.

Good bye

A guy was in a supermarket when he noticed an old lady following him around. Whenever he stopped, she stopped, and she also kept staring at him. She finally overtook him just before the checkout where she turned to him and said:

'I hope I haven't made you feel uncomfortable - it's just that you look so much like my late son.'

'Oh, that's ok,' he said.

'I know it's silly,' she continued, 'but if you called out 'Goodbye, Mother' as I leave, it would make me ever so happy.' The old lady proceeded through the checkout and as she left the supermarket, the man called out 'Goodbye Mother.' The old lady waved back, and kindly smiled.

Pleased he had brought a bit of sunshine to someone's day the man went to pay for his groceries.

'That'll be 105 dollars 35,' said the clerk.

'How come?' inquired the man. 'I've only bought a few things!'

'Yeah, but your mother said you'd pay for her...'

Enjoy😆

Edited by Princess - 20 years ago