Patel Residence
Morning
5 a.m.
I woke up to feel an expanse of warm chest behind me. I startled a bit and then remembered last night as it all came rushing back to me. I was on my bed, with Nachiket's warm limbs wrapped around me, as he spoons me from behind.
It felt really good. And how I have missed it.
Even in his sleep, he is careful about my right arm, as he gently cups it from behind, taking the pressure off of my heavily sleep induced limbs.
Because I am still taking a few medicines to ease the pain due to the simple fracture, though the casts have come off for a few days now. He has been really helpful and kind, I must admit, in front of others, while inside the safety and security of our room, his fingers and hands pushed insistently and consistently at boundaries that hovered all over our individual existences.
I have joined work only yesterday. And I returned home last evening with a pain nagging my right elbow, a splitting headache and a slight kink in my neck that had suddenly cropped up during the day, forcing me to quit work earlier than usual.
My face sported my usual smiling facade, I know, but one look into his eyes and I knew that I had been caught in my own game. His impatient eyes now reflected concern and care ... for me. And something else that troubled me to no ends. Much as I tried, the vermillion on my forehead screamed to me about the relationship that I was faking in front of our children.
During the past few days, Nachiket has been a perfect husband and he seemed to relish the opportunity to give me comfort and support. Oh, I know he didn't enjoy my emotional pain. But he had seemed almost ... grateful ... to be able to help me in some small way.
And he's been fabulous. Most times.
And now the concern in his eyes was killing me.
Through the corner of my eyes, I saw him taking the cup of chamomile tea from Sunny Tai, as I sat on the swing, my fingers lightly massaging my forehead. He sat by my side as I quietly sipped the tea, urging my mind to calm down and thus hasten the process of relaxation.
After a while he was gone only to return, and urge me inside our room, as he updated me that he had started a bath. I could smell lavender wisping out of the bathroom.
And when I had returned some time later from the bath, I felt relieved and relaxed, yet bone tired. And he was there, sitting on the sofa, waiting for me.
His eyes knocking down more boundaries along my pathway to the bed.
As I sat down and tried desperately to towel my wet hair, my arms feeling defeated in the process, and my eyes drooping on their own accord, I shivered as I suddenly felt his long fingers tunnelling through my hair and massaging my scalp as my hair dried. I then did the unthinkable - I drifted off to sleep wearing nothing but a bath robe. It had seemed the most natural thing in the world at the time.
I'd been exhausted, both physically and emotionally, all this while. Upon waking from my deep sleep last night I'd realized that I had Nachiket wrapped firmly around me. My eyes opened in alarm as the thoughts of the children floated back to my mind, only to realise that they were all at Dimpy's Farmhouse for a weekend. My small abode was becoming too small for them to spread their wings.
My thoughts returned to him. Chancing a look at his face, I found him sleeping. Of course he was in his night dress and I was merely wearing a bath robe.
I tried moving as slowly as possible so as to extract myself from his arm, and not wake him up as well. I knew that my habit of sleeping with the lights on was grating his nerves and he has not been sleeping well for quite some time now. My heart convulsed when I saw the peace reflected on his face as he slept.
And I made the mistake of pushing against him as I tried to detach the arm that was holing me tight against his body. I could feel the heat right through all layers that separated us. The low-pitched moan that had erupted from the back of his throat then had stopped me in my tracks.
I looked at him with all the love that I could muster at that point of time, still wrapped in that bath robe.
Love? Yes, I was in love with my husband but I definitely could not admit as much to anybody else. Though I had admitted the very truth to him through my glances, my touch, my behaviour - in every possible way, but the words. He had admitted the same. But were we ready for a physical relationship? I chuckled internally thinking that sixteen years was a long time to wait.
My chuckle awakened him and he snuggled closer, his arm tightening around my middle, pulling me back to himself and then pressing my back into his chest. His nose was buried in my hair and he nuzzled my neck, planting little kisses on my hairline.
His voice was raspy and sleep laden when he murmured, "Morning."
"Morning. I didn't mean to wake you," I said softly.
"That's O.K. God, I slept good for a change."
"Well, I guess we're good for each other's sleep patterns if nothing else," I teased.
He stiffened behind me and backed up. I froze until I felt him put his hand on my hip and roll me onto my back. He stared into my face for long moments. I furrowed my brow, silently asking him what the matter was.
"How are you this morning?" he asked quietly.
I shrugged. "Confused."
"Confused?" He paused, swallowing heavily. Then he whispered. "Please don't tell me that you think this was a mistake. Our being this close, trying to reduce the distances between us ..."
I smiled and shook my head in the negative. Breath whooshed out of his lungs with a sound of relief. He met my gaze again and asked, "Then what's the matter? What are you fretting over?"
"On the one hand, I'm grieving that this is just a contractual arrangement and that you have a commitment to fulfil. On the other hand, I'm feeling ... almost exhilarated at finally being able to be with you. I think I should feel guilty about feeling so good ..."
He smiled gently. "I'm delighted that you are feeling good about ... US. There's nothing to feel guilty about. You've allowed yourself so little comfort in the past years."
"Yeah, well, I've made up for it in the last few days."
"Nonsense. I was glad that you allowed me to be there for you."
"Allowed you?"
"Yes. I've wanted to comfort you and help you a lot of times. But you didn't welcome the attention."
"Force of habit. I'm so used to trying not to show any weakness."
He grunted and then said, "Who made you think that showing emotions was weakness?"
The question came from out of the blue. I was momentarily stunned. We didn't usually talk about stuff like this. I guess we were going to start.
"I don't know if anyone taught it to me. I just think that I knew instinctively when we parted and I had to focus on a career to take care of my family, especially when stepping into a male dominated profession."
"And women are often accused of or seen as incapable if they show emotions?"
"Sure, you know that's true, Nachiket." I paused.
"My point is why do you feel that you have to be that way in your personal life too?"
"I don't."
"Sure you do. When have you ever let me comfort you just for the hell of it? Before this week, since the fracture, that is?" he added.
I swallowed and closed my eyes. I was thinking of all the times I'd wanted him to hold me in his arms and comfort me.
"I don't know!" I cried, frustrated that he was waiting for me and my response.
I looked at him and saw the hurt on his face. "I'm sorry," I whispered.
"Don't be sorry. I'm just saying that I want you to trust me enough to let me inside when you're hurting. And I'm talking about your personal life, not just this facade that we are enacting in font of others."
"I do trust you."
"I finally believe that after the last couple of days. But I didn't before that. And even now, you're obviously not comfortable with the fact that you let yourself need me."
I looked at him. "I'm O.K. with it."
He smiled gently. "You're embarrassed," he stated flatly.
"So?"
"So I don't want you to be. I want you to feel that you can be the real Ragini with me ... no reservations, no embarrassment ... no reservations."
"I'm trying," I said. And I meant it. I really was trying. I really wanted to give it all to him. He didn't scare me. Losing myself in him scared me. I did need him and it scared me how much. I wasn't used to relying on anyone that heavily. I had spent a lot of years making sure that no one was the emotionally essential to my happiness. Then along came my ex-husband.
"Good," he said finally. "But Ragini, ... can you trust me that much?"
I took a deep breath. "I want to, Nachiket."
"I'd never hurt you again, not intentionally. And I'd never use any personal knowledge you gave me against you. You know that don't you?"
I sighed. "Yes." I decided I needed to be completely honest with him. I wanted this to work more than I had ever wanted anything in my entire life. He was what was missing in my life. Or, as I realised, being intimate with him was what was missing in my life. I had forgotten how good it felt. But I'd been surprised at how safe I'd felt in his arms.
Yes, safe. My God, I realized at that moment that this was something I'd never felt for a long time now. Safety. I'd always lived in fear of my loved ones leaving me. I'd lived in fear of letting them down, or of them letting me down.
"I know you'd never hurt me, Nachiket. And I need to let you know that ... I need you too."
Now I have said it - told the truth.
His eyes widened slightly at that admission. A smile tugged at the corners of his mouth. "Wow," he murmured, chuckling softly, sounding amazed.
I smiled at him and he returned it. He leaned down and kissed me softly. His nose rooted in my hair and his mouth made it's way to my ear. His hot breath cascaded down my neck when he spoke. "I love you, Ragini. You'll never know how much I need you. I don't think I'd make it without you ... not anymore."
We hugged then and he rolled on top of me and pinned me to the bed, careful to not hurt my elbow. I wanted to see that smile, like the old days, the one filled with wonder and happiness. I cupped his face in my hands.
"I love you too, Nachiket."
He smiled and just stared at me for several moments. "I can't believe it," he said finally.
"Can't believe what?"
He shook his head, amused with himself. "I just never thought I'd hear ..."
"Those words from me?" I asked gently.
He nodded.
I pulled him down to me and kissed him again, this time asking for entrance with my tongue. He moaned softly and opened for me. Our tongues danced gently around one another as we shared a tender kiss filled with promise and gentle reassurance.
I felt him respond against me as I whispered,
"Make love to me, Nachiket."
He took my mouth again, this time more firmly, as his hand slid down to hold my hip, his Omega scratching my tender skin there.
I heard myself making little noises of excitement in the back of my throat. I couldn't help it. By the look on his face, it excited him to hear it.
His shudders and groans were exciting to me too. Knowing that being with me was the cause was doubly exciting. Nachiket has a sexy voice on a bad day. But when he's aroused ... Man!
Just the sound of his voice had shivers chasing themselves up and down my spine. "Oh, you feel so good," I murmured.
"I never want to leave you alone ... anymore," he mumbled.
We both chuckled at that, but he never broke his rhythm.
That was all it took. As his eyes opened and he shared his passion with me, that look sent me over the edge. I could see it swirling in the depths of his deep black orbs.
He collapsed on top of me and I relished the heat of his slightly sweaty body. He didn't stay that way for long, but lifted the weight of his torso onto his elbows. He covered my mouth with his own again and kissed me, slow and languid, telling me without words, his appreciation for what we had just shared. The feeling was mutual.
His nose found the crook in my neck where it meets my shoulder. He seemed to like that place. His voice was soft and low as he said; "I've been wanting this with you for so long, you'll never know, Ragini."
"I think I do," I replied.
He lifted his head. "I doubt it."
"Then tell me."
He sighed and pulled the covers over us as our skin cooled. Once we settled, he caught my eyes again. "I've always been in love with you Ragini," he admitted.
I raised an eyebrow, and I must have looked startled, because he nodded his head in the affirmative. Do you know how long I spent ... wishing ... wanting ..."
"Oh Nachiket. I'm sorry it took us so long to realize that we could have this, once again."
"I'm just sorry it took ... this ... to make it happen. I kept thinking I would find the courage to tell you how I felt, but the time never seemed right.
And the couple of times I tried, something always interfered."
I frowned, lamenting all the time we'd wasted.
He smiled gently. "I've been waiting for all these long years ... just ... yearning for you, Ragini. Hoping one day you'd let me in."
I hugged him tightly to my chest and whispered. "You're in, Nachiket. And you'll never be out again. I promise."
"Don't make promises you can't keep," he muttered, but he hugged me back just the same, despite the caution in his statement.
"I'm not. You're not the only one that's been yearning, Nachiket. I have too. I just couldn't figure out what I was yearning for. But now I know that it was you. I scared myself. I just didn't want to admit it."
"Why?"
"Because I was scared."
"I love you, Ragini. And I'll always do so."
This was a bittersweet time. I had my love taken away only to be given back to me. But maybe that was the way it was supposed to be. Whatever the reason or the circumstances, I knew I would never regret this. Nachiket was in my heart to stay. "I love you too"
"Shower?" he asked playfully.
I smiled. "Join you?"
"I would hope so."
"Shut up Nachiket"
I kissed his nose and he scrunched it.
"No more yearning, Nachiket, for either one of us."
"No more yearning," he repeated.
THE END.
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