Hi guys. Weekends are here so I decided to write a little, my first time writing here.
Okay so regardless, I wanted to write a more mature story that would discuss genuinely both problems that the characters have with one another. This is starting from today's argument.
Ragini sat all alone in her room, the darkness reigned and solitude inhabited the still silence. Today's argument was overwhelming her senses. How could he not understand? All she desired was honesty from him and yet this concept, which seemed concrete in its existence had become so fickle coming from him. His promises, his words, they were not deemed lies yet truth had not ventured into them. They were not meaningless for raw emotions were present in them yet they weren't sincere for many words were lacking from its embodiment.
The question that raised itself often these days was whether she valued his love or the truth. After all the questions she had asked herself, after all the possibilities she had eliminated, she could not choose the answer.
Love was a possibility because she knew that in a lifetime, a person can only truly love once. That kind of love did not know any boundaries, it was endless, it was the infinite type, the eternal and everlasting type which was unforgettable and unavoidable. Only the blessed could receive this type of love, Ragini knew that much and where all denial instigated, even that origin could not refuse that she felt this love...with Neil. She was surrounded by it and while their egos clashed, emotions clashed onto an invisible battlefield, this neglected love spoke volumes in their provoking words. In all where she had tried to find this love, she only found in him. They say that matches are made in heaven and are celebrated on Earth. How she forget that only one man was invented for her...and her every grain of her being had screamed this name before the beginning of time itself...the name of her Natchekat. Her heaven was in his arms; her match had always been this man. Despite the lies he has told, the kindness in him, the humbleness in him, the capacity to love had never vanquished. He was an understanding man and for this very reason she decided that she had to approach him, not violently, accusingly, or angrily. Today he had asked her what was his mistake. He did not understand her nor was she able to understand her, maybe if she tried to explain her perspective, perhaps he would understand. What it would accomplish she did not know, but maybe these stubborn feelings, this pain, and agony, would find mercy in her attempt.
Standing up, she made her way to his room. At first she stopped at the sight of the locked door, should she knock or walk in. No she did not have the right to walk in unannounced so reluctantly she knocked on the door twice. She waited and from within the room she heart sounds of rumbling and footsteps. Ragini swallowed and patiently waited, her heart thumping wildly in her chest.
The door opened and she was greeted with the sight of Neil. He was in his dark blue sleeping attire. That is when she realized that she was still in her saree, she had not changed and this did not go unnoticed by Neil.
"Tum yaha?" Neil asked as he made way to let her in. Ragini hesitantly walked in and she heard the sound of the door closing behind her.
"Tumse baat karne thi." Ragini said. The room was quite tidy and elegantly arranged, on Neil's gesture Ragini took a seat on one of the opposite sofa chairs. Neil sat on the opposite one.
"Kiske bathe," Neil said sipping on his coffee.
Coffee itne late, Ragini wondered disapprovingly but she answered the question regardless.
"Woh, tumne aaj pucha tha ki what was your mistake?" The conversation from the earlier day came crashing down on him.
Neil immediately straightened and his face became grim. He put the coffee mug on the table and folded his hands.
"haan pucha tha, but you didn't answer."
"That is why I'm answering now." Ragini responded. Neil nodded and patiently waited.
"Natcheket, do you remember the day when Ronnie arrived at my birthday."
Neil became immediately alert at the familiarity of the name but nodded again.
"Haan, I remember, tum bohot gussa hoge thi mujhpe aur phir maine tumme manaya tha aglay din."
"Do you remember what I said the next day when I agreed to believe you again?"
Neil knew where this was going and he swallowed hard. He was about to protest but Ragini interfered.
"Sirf mere swaal ka jwaab dhena." Ragini said though her voice was soft.
"Tumne kaha tha that I should never hide anything from you or lie to you again no matter what."
"And what did you say?"
"I said that I will never lie to you again," he paused, "Nor will I hide anything."
"Did you fulfill that promise?" Ragini asked. Her hands were fidgeting and she did not look at Neil.
Neil did not look at her either as he reflected on the day he promised her.
"I...lekin..Ragini it was not in my intentions to lie or hide anything from you. Aarav had told me not to tell you." He said regaining some of his confidence.
"I see, so was it worth breaking your promise. Natcheket, where am I in your priorities." Ragini asked. This question threw Neil off guard.
"What kind of question is this Ragini?" He said though he was beginning to get angry now.
"Your priorities have always been...for the lack of a better word confusing. You could never figure them out. 16 years ago when Roopali asked you to prevent telling me about Suhaani, you had so easily agreed. I asked you so many times, yet you did not answer. Our whole marriage fell apart. Natcheket, what would've happened if you told me, did you think I would've told the world? Did you really think I would have not stood beside you if you simply asked me to?"
"But I did ask you?" Neil said angrily. He rose from his seat and began pacing around the room.
"Natcheket, taali dho haaton se bajthi hai. You did not trust me enough to convey Roopali's secret to me and I no longer trusted you to be faithful to me. These insecurities were born from your actions. The hidden phone calls, the messages, the secret meetings, if you simply told me, I would've had no reason not to trust you. Even when our marriage ended in a bitter divorce, you did not come to me, you did not tell me the truth. You left me to assume that there always was something between you and Roopali, I lived in constant pain that you were unfaithful" Ragini stood up too and she crept a little closer to Neil who still had his back to her.
"No that does not rid me of the mistakes I have committed, but I am trying to explain to you the importance of telling the truth. Natcheket, I am not God, I am a human too. My trust in you is limited and with each lie you have told, my trust in you has declined. My faith in you has declined. I am not saying you are a bad person Natcheket, I am saying that this is the disparity that has existed between us. The importance of truth has always been different in our lives. You can adjust it to fit the circumstances, I cannot."
Neil did not answer, a few minutes passed in silence before he turned around. "Yes, you are right, the importance of truth in our lives has always been different." He was no longer angry and he walked towards her slowly. "Shahid yehi tha woh difference that led to this outcome." Neil said as he closed the distance between them.
If Ragini was intimidated at their proximity, she did not say nor did she give any hints and she continued to speak.
"With Aarav, it was the same thing. You did not come to me either."
He put his hand on hers. "I did not want to hurt you."
Ragini did not back away, "And you didn't think I would be hurt when I found out that you hid this from me?" Ragini asked. A single tear escaped her eyes. "Neil you don't understand, when we made our wedding vows, we promised to be with each other, through thick and thin. If you were faced with a problem, you should've confided it with me. We could've solved this...together."
"Haan chuk hogaye mujhse, lekin uske itni bare sazaa." Neil said though his voice had become hoarse.
"Tumse shikayath hai yahin, that you could not tell me the truth. Natchket, I have always asked myself what was greater, love or truth. Today after talking to you I've realized that love and truth are of the same coin. Not one is greater than the other, they are the same, it is in the manner in which you apply them which makes them appear unbalanced." Ragini felt she finally found the answer she was looking for all along.
"Tumse judaa hoon isliye, because while your love was the truth it still missed the truth." Ragini smiled at Natcheket as a crease appeared on his forehead in confusion. "You loved me was the truth, but your love for me caused you to hide things from me which was why it was missing the truth." The complexity of the situation was hard to identify but Ragini gave Neil time to process what she had said. It took her days to understand this concept herself and even explaining her perspective was harder than what she had thought hence she could only imagine how hard it was for Neil to understand it.
"That is where my problem with you lies, the truth that is what I expect of you and that is exactly what you cannot give me."
"Bas itna?" Neil asked.
"Bas itna." Ragini confirmed.
"And if I promise to be truthful from now on?" Neil asked hopefully.
Ragini did not answer. Nothing would change between them apart from being more cordial to each other, after all she was already engaged to Dr. Aman.
Neil then realized what he had asked and quickly changed the topic. "I admit that saying the truth was always the hardest part for me. I would always bend it to circumstances however I never knew its importance till now. Even after our divorce, I could not pinpoint the reason. Lekin Aaj kal lagra hai ki sach hi bathana chahiye." Neil smiled and a tear welled in his eyes. Ragini swallowed and felt horrible watching the tear in his eye. She desired to wipe it away but she suppressed the urges. A few more minutes passed in silence.
"Lekin mujhe be tumse ek shikayath hai?" Neil said breaking the silence.
Ragini knew that she had said her part. Now it was time to understand him, just as he had patiently waited for her to finish, she had to do the same.
"Bolo," she said.
"It's late, are you sure you want to listen?" He asked.
"After drinking all that coffee, I doubt you will be able to sleep tonight...and I myself have no intentions of sleeping." Ragini said.
Neil smiled internally, he knew the remark about the coffee was going to come soon enough.
"Chalo, the night is young."
They sat down again though this time on Neil's bed however much closer than they intended. Their shoulders were touching. Neil looked at her and for the first time realized how patiently Ragini was waiting. There was something different about her today, she was so willing to share, to understand. He smiled, aaj sab kuch kehdhetha hu he thought. Everything he felt, he wanted to spill it all out, his jealousy, hatred, love, happiness, every emotion possible, he wanted to tell her everything.
Everything.
Author's note: Yeah...that's it. I also have to tell you, I update all my stories quickly (a very old habit) so the next chapter will come soon. Tomorrow I have a late shift at the hospital so I will be coming home late as well so I'll probably update at night. Wait...which will be morning in India...I think. You know I'll figure it out later.
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